Now that I have lost most of my weight people, my family mostly think that it's now all right to tell me how much fun they have had at my expense. Last night my cousin emailed me and said I remember when we bought you a shirt for a gift and three of us were able to get in it together. HA HA HA! Or Boy aunt Wanda sure did talk about you eating all her Christmas candy when you were a kid. HA HA HA. Grandma used to say put the food away here comes Howie. HA HA HA. People are freaking morons sometimes. Do they not know I'm the same person and hurt the same way as anyone else. I just want to call them out sometimes but that's just not the way I am. It just burns me up sometimes.
12-11-2005, 03:12 PM
I'm sorry for the hurt you have had to endure. Yes, some people are idiots. I don't know ~ maybe it even hurts worse when it is your family ~ the people who are supposed to love us.
12-11-2005, 03:24 PM
Ohh, Howie :hug:
I think that's one of the things I'm really afraid of, and is holding me back at the moment.
I don't think they realize that it's SOO hurtful. They say things like WOW...you look so much BETTER that you used to...etc.
I seriously think that they don't understand that those kinds of comment will hurt us FOREVER...I don't think that will ever go away.
Maybe just give them a reminder that you're the same Howie on the inside.
Or maybe they need an email that says something like..."Oh,...gosh...what happened to you? You got so old and wrinkly...I remember way back when...you were youthful and attractive HA HA HA...too bad you can't change that, eh?" (Kidding of course!)
Chin up, Howie...they just don't get it.
12-11-2005, 03:27 PM
Just looked at your website and it was just the inspiration I needed to get through the first of a couple holiday parties. I had to make cookies, and had a cookie accident before even getting out of the door with them. Scary stuff as Thanksgiving was a relative breeze. Christmas is just one day and the brakes are on. Inspiration is out there and you just gave me some.
Wishing you the mindset to just let that nonsense float over your head. You are so above that.
12-11-2005, 03:31 PM
12-11-2005, 03:32 PM
oh howie. it's awful, isn't it. how about practicing the classic 'icy smile' and then change the subject. you don't need to sink to their level
hmmmm. a person could, perhaps, print out this thread and MAIL IT TO THEM!!!!! maybe not YOU, but someone you know - someone very close to you - maybe even in the same house..
along with a note that might say something about people not understanding how words can hurt...
12-11-2005, 03:47 PM
That's really awful. I've had comments that are heading that way, but nowhere as bad as some of those. "Ooh look, you've got a new coat, not like that huge tent like thing you used to wear" and stuff like that. One of the things that I really don't like about losing a lot of weight is the fact that it kind of reveals how much weight I had to lose, and leaves me open to people reminding me of that.
I think a lot of people don't understand what it really takes to do this, and how you can't just look back and disassociate yourself from that person from before. Unless you've done it you probably don't realise how it's not just a case of being happy to be smaller, and that there are still a lot of emotions floating around that get hurt by tactless references to how you used to be.
12-11-2005, 03:50 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes people's brains just don't work. Just because you look different, they start looking at you like a different person. They forget that you still are the same person with the same feelings. You'd think people would have enough sense not to actually admit that they used to make fun of you. Dummies!!
Hey, I'm always in for hanging someone by the toenails so if you need my assistance, just ask...
12-11-2005, 04:09 PM
I can totally agree! i sometimes get so mad at people i look towards the fridge and truelly can just turn back into being the person that drowns herself in food again!
My brother saw me and said gosh your looking good, boy you packed some on last christmas i never thought you would lose it!
My constant fight is with people now telling me "don't lose anymore.... " i cop that 3-4 times a week! since my bmi is still in the overweight category, and i am going for normal! so they just have to get over it!!!!
Sometimes it can be a double edged sword! I shocked my MIL on saterday! she is very short and does not understand how i can look skinny and be 184 pounds when she is fat and is less! LOL!!! then she was reading an advertisement for weight loss and said how the guy weighed 280 pounds, and i said that was how big i was! she did not believe me! maybe height is an advantage!! LOL
People can be very cruel, and it hurts. But you have done amazingly and inspire a lot of people! well done!
12-11-2005, 05:00 PM
Oh Howie, I'm so sorry! It's like they think we're one of them now. Like somehow we'd now get a kick out of making fun of the fatty, except the fatty was us!! It just astounds me how totally clueless and inconsiderate people can be. I guess you can either call 'em on it, every single time, until they get the idea that they're being insensitive morons and you don't appreciate their sadistic humor, or you can let it roll off your back and chalk it up to people being people, and just focus on yourself and those whose opinions really matter to you. Either way it sucks, so like everyone said, chin up and I'm up for helping you and teahoney string 'em up by their toenails if need be!
12-11-2005, 05:12 PM
Howie I'm sorry that they're telling you all that and that they actually said those things.
The way I think of people saying these things are that they're jealous that they can't do something as incredible that you've done and are still doing. No matter if you're not the same weight as what you used to be or if you still were the same weight gives people no right to say hurtful things.
Like others have said before me that people don't know what it takes to lose weight mentally, emotionally, and physically. Try not to pay any attention to what they say even though it is hard not to. They don't understand and more than likely never will.
Again, I'm sorry for what they said to you.
12-11-2005, 05:21 PM
Some people are just inconsiderate. They may (mistakenly) think that since that weight is gone, so are those awful feelings. But they may not realize they're dredging them up. Or maybe they're jealous. Dunno.
But everyone here is right. You are above that. And beyond that.
Maybe it's to remind these family members of the way it used to be. Some people don't like change. Tough noodles.
I'm sorry it hurts. And I understand how irritating it can be. But we're here for you!
12-11-2005, 05:53 PM
Blimey, but people can be thoughtless! :mad: I doubt they mean to be hurtful, but if they would only put their brain in gear before opening their mouths.... I hope you don't allow their cruel comments to knock you down, Howie.
It reminds me of when I split from my ex. I lost count of the number of people I'd considered pals who fell over themselves to say things like, "I wondered how long it would take you to grow a brain, and get rid of him. We never liked him, you know.". I'm sure it was their clumsy way of supporting me, but what it really said to me was they'd spent the previous 15 years thinking I was stupid, all the while being really friendly to my face.
People can be such idiots. It's easier said than done, but remember, you don't have to give their comments the time of day. Chuck 'em out with the rubbish where they belong, and concentrate on all the positive things you have going on.
12-11-2005, 07:32 PM
I know Exactly what you are talking about, a week ago i went up north to my brother in laws wedding and I met some members of his family I hadn't met yet (we have been married 2 years)
there is a whole back story to this as well, since alot of family members only saw pics of me before we married and were shooting off their mouths about me....but i digress
a cousin of his whom only saw me in my wedding video, when saw me exclaimed wow you look so great, you lost alot of weight when i saw your video i thought you were huge.....haaaah, that really warmed me up
while I am proud I lost so much comments like that cut especially since I am so sensitive about it, my hubby is not any help either!!! aghhh
i dont think they really think about it, since you are open about your weight loss or it is obvious you have lost its a field day for comments...some make you feel really good, some really bad, I am trying to take it with a grain of salt...hold the fries ;)
12-11-2005, 07:51 PM
I am so sorry Howie!! That is just so mean! ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
12-11-2005, 09:19 PM
I do just let it roll off for the most part. I know they don't mean to be that way. People just need to think before they say stuff. Thanks for all your kind words it really helps to have your support.
12-11-2005, 11:49 PM
What is WRONG with people? Always talking before thinking. :no:
Sorry you had to go through that.
We still love you! :grouphug:
12-12-2005, 08:56 AM
Sorry Howie, I a little bit late for this thread, but I wanted to add my voice along with all of the other excellent posts. First of all, you are such an inspiration to this group, please do not let the insensitve comments drag you down! We all know what you have accomplished and we also know how hard it is do what both you and Kimberly have done. I think comments like that come from people thinking, well, you are no longer fat, so you can join us in the fat jokes. I know when I have lost a lot of weight people would comment, oh you are such a beautiful girl, I would think "well, I was before!". I think it will take a long time to grow the thick skin to be able to ignore the comments. Remember, we are all here for you, oay not attention to the little people with the little minds! :cheer:
12-12-2005, 09:34 AM
Ay yi yi. :rolleyes:
I swear it's just nothing short of miraculous that the human race continues to survive with the level of stupidity that exists in otherwise seemingly intelligent people. :dizzy: How do they exercise the judgement required to bathe and clothe themselves?
Howie, you are just so on a higher plane....and those people, well, I know they're your family so I truly mean no disrespect to you and yours, but I'm kind of thinking they're idiots! :lol: It sucks that you have to hear those unthinking attempts at humor -- I'm really sorry they feel like they have to share that crap with you, and that they find it amusing in the first place. :( I DO think it wouldn't hurt to maybe mention, the next time it happens, that you know they don't mean any harm but that those comments are hurtful to you. If they don't know that it hurts you (again, NOT a real stretch of the imagination here! :mad: ) there's nothing to prevent them from continuing to do this thing that makes you feel badly. I know you can handle it, Howie, but you shouldn't have to. "That's what reminding is for." ;)
12-12-2005, 10:05 AM
You are absolutely right, you're still the same person. I don't condone people making fun of others behind their backs - if they didn't want to hurt you with the comments in the past what makes them feel that their comments wouldn't be just as hurtful to you now? I'm sorry that you had to hear those awful things - kinda leave a bitter taste in your mouth, huh?
12-12-2005, 10:13 AM
...just was going to add another thought here. Those underhanded comments?
Sometimes I believe that the people that make them do it to make themselves feel better, that if they can belittle someone else then somehow they feel elevated.
12-12-2005, 10:31 AM
Ledom's right....most people that do what your family did do it to make themselves feel better. Remember the playground bullies? They never change...
12-12-2005, 11:18 AM
what it boils down too is that thin people dont understand what it is like to be fat. its the whole walk a mile in my shoes thing. Im sorry that you have had to deal with that insensitivity.
but im really glad you posted about it. mainly i didnt know that this was something i was going to have to deal with after i reach my goal. ive learned to deal with "fat jokes" and nasty coments about my weight but i didnt think i was going to have to deal with it after i was thin again. at least i wont be blind sided by it.
12-12-2005, 11:37 AM
I just wanted to also add a thank you for posting something painful -- I think we can learn from it. But it stinks that you have to deal with it. I really appreciate you being willing to share the UPS and the DOWNS with us, Howie.
12-12-2005, 12:24 PM
I was just thinking about the upcoming holidays this morning and relunctantly thinking about the extended family gathering. Every time quite a few people want to know the current status of my weight loss and I had a slump for a couple of months, but am back on track and don't want to share with them that I weigh the same. I know they're trying to be supportive, but it makes me feel embarassed to admit the slump. I am grateful to be back on track and feeling soooo much better. I know the road is long and I'm willing for it to take as long as it needs to to get to goal.
Anyone else experience this?
12-12-2005, 12:54 PM
I can completely understand why those insensitive comments upset and angered you - you are exactly right when you say 'I'm still the same person!'. Do they think that because you are no longer big, you'll feel okay about them laughing at you behind your back? Honestly, people can be so stupid!
I know you will not let this get you down - be comforted that not all people, slim and big are that ignorant!
Love Amanda x
12-12-2005, 01:49 PM
When things like that happen I always remember what one of my college room mates said after Thanksgiving break....that after looking around the dinner table, if she wasn't related to those people they would have been the last people on the face of the earth she would have chosen to celelbrate with...and she had a fairly 'normal' family ;)
12-12-2005, 02:10 PM
I'm not letting it get me down to much. Like said above you do get used to the fat jokes. It's still hard but you come to expect it. It just sometimes comes in a more blatant manor now. I don't know if I will ever say anything or not. I will have to think on that one. I usually tend to let things just slide of my back and go on with life. It was good to talk about it with everyone and that helps.
12-12-2005, 02:53 PM
First off, I'm sorry you are getting that kind of reaction from some of your family and friends. But, like some others have said, I doubt anyone realizes how hurtful their comments are. Unless you've walked in our shoes there is just no way to understand how emotional the process of battling fat can be - even if you win the battle like you have. To them it isn't any worse than teasing someone about the hideous haircut they had back in 1982. They just don't understand, can't understand - even if we explain it to them.
You are handling it well but it would not be out of line for you to tell them it bothers you. I know it is hard to do but you are bound to face more of the same it you don't ask them to stop. And I am sure that is all it would take - just asking them to stop.
I assume the hard part is realizing that they ever talked about you behind your back to begin with. I mean, they obviously knew that kind of teasing would have been hurtful so why did they do it at all - much less tell you about it now? Well, probably because they saw your weight seperately from you (the person). Certainly, they love and care about you as a person. Still, there is no justification for it. It might make you feel better to let them know that you never intend to regain the weight you've lost but, if you did, you would expect more compassion from them - even when you aren't around.
12-12-2005, 03:39 PM
Every time quite a few people want to know the current status of my weight loss and I had a slump for a couple of months, but am back on track and don't want to share with them that I weigh the same. I know they're trying to be supportive, but it makes me feel embarassed to admit the slump. I am grateful to be back on track and feeling soooo much better. I know the road is long and I'm willing for it to take as long as it needs to to get to goal.
Anyone else experience this?Yep. Every time I see or speak with my in-laws, they enquire about my progress. :rolleyes: It's so boring! For the last couple of months I've made no real inroads, so I've just said so. When they press further, I say something like, "No worries. It's not like I'm obsessive about it, or anything!". That does one of two things depending on who I'm speaking to: they either get embarrassed (because I actually do have OCD) and change the subject, or they laugh (because I actually do have OCD). :lol: I prefer the latter response, but either way works for me. :)
12-12-2005, 03:43 PM
I don't know why people think that they are complimenting you with those comments.
I had a molly ringwald phase in high school and loved to color my hair red and wear it in the pretty in pink hairstyle. When I finally went back to blonde, my cousin told me she loved my hair that it look horrible when it was red. I happened to like it when it was red so there :dizzy:
12-12-2005, 05:19 PM
Thanks for encouraging my guy, everyone. I could just bean people when they say hurtful stuff like these folks did. They just have no clue how hard he's worked to do this, let alone how hard it was with terrible back pain and all. Aaaargh!
12-12-2005, 05:52 PM
Your welcome Kim you both are just awesome I wish my hubby was just half as suppoting as both of you are to each other
I wish you my best
12-12-2005, 10:18 PM
I'm sorry they're being so insensitive, Howie. It's one thing to congratulate you on your weight loss, but it should stop there. :hug:
12-12-2005, 11:06 PM
These have not come all at once two of them I heard when I lost weight the first time. You just have to chalk it up to people not knowing that they are being hurtful. I love my family and I know the things they say are not meant to be hurtful. My cousin that said that, I know to be a very caring person. They just don't think about it.
I just wanted to talk about it. That way if others get the same comments we know we are not alone. Plus it helps just talking about it and getting the support from all of you.
12-13-2005, 12:45 AM
I would bet that if Auntie Wanda or Grandma got wind of these comments (assuming that they are actually real ones that were made) being made to you, they would be mortified and wish to immediately be swallowed up by the ground for making a seemingly joking comment that has such great hurt attached to it. None of us want to hear the horrible comments that we secretly worried others may have said about us come to life. Unfortunately, size discrimination is alive and well and in a real world these kind of comments are made all the time. Unless you have lived with a socially unacceptable condition (bone thin, big nose, birth mark on the centre of your forehead, furry chin, etc.) you lack sensitivity and are ignorant to how unhelpful those kind of comments can be. I am sure your cousin is a fine person, he/she just hasn't suffered the way you have so haven't grown to know how to treat our fellow humans in a compassionate and helpful way.
I have a great friend who, when I was lamenting over what people were saying about me, once told me "What people say about you is none of your business". So, I in turn pass this on to you. This is none of your business what any of them have said. It shouldn't be shared with you and you may wish to utter this line in a kind and joking way if ever you run into that situation again...it will make the point but keep the family.
You are so deserving of kind words. You were at a crossroad in your life and you took the path to health. You have struggled to get the weight off and each and everyone of us here can vouch for how proud we are of you. Experience the comment, feel the sadness then let it go - it is none of your business!
12-13-2005, 08:35 AM
What a great thread Howie. I think you are right to let it slide. I don't think they mean it badly, they are just not using their brain. :dizzy:
Last time I lost any real weight my mom said to me "Your finally getting your looks back". Nice...real nice.
12-13-2005, 09:08 AM
just ask them why they never said it when you were fat? if they say because they didn't want to offend you then you say but now its ok?
the second and i use this one loads. is you say in reply i've lost the weight your stuck with your face!. but i'm a very upfront kind of person like that :D i never had any problems like this after i lost weight i guess its teh english personality where people just come out and tell you straight to your face and not behind your back. no body is perfect so i fight fire with fire. people call me fat i pick on their problems short legs big nose or ears anything i can works wonders
12-13-2005, 11:39 AM
Hey Si good to see you around. I have used the face one a time or too.
Kimberley took it upon herself to write my cousin. He wrote back and apologized. Here is what Kimberley wrote then what he wrote and what I wrote in return. Thought you all might like to read it so if you ever go through it.
I'm sending this because Howie is reluctant to say anything himself. He doesn't even know I'm writing you - had to sneak your e-mail address off his computer. Once I say this to y'all, it'll be the end of it, but it really does need to be said.
Comments you made in your recent e-mail about his weight loss hurt your cousin Howie. How would you feel to be told how your family all got into your shirt and laughed about you? Because of comments such as those in your e-mail and ones other family members have said, he knows now he was an object of ridicule by his family. Sure, of course he knew people made comments about his weight, but to have someone bring it up again after all he's been through? Well, it's painful.
Even though you're talking about how he used to be, he is still the same person regardless of how his outward appearance has changed. Just because he's no longer fat doesn't mean he's suddenly some different person. When he looks in the mirror today, even after losing 490 pounds, he sees the fat guy and the conflicting feelings are still there. I struggle with the same kind of thing, and I've "only" lost 76 pounds so far. Believe us, we know how we used to look, we know people mocked us both to our faces and behind our backs. But we were good people then, and we still are -- and we're the same people on the inside.
I suspect you really didn't know how cutting those remarks really were. In any case, I ask that you to please try to be more considerate in the future. Your cousin has worked so hard to reach this goal, despite his debilitating back pain and many other obstacles. It's been harder than you will ever know. And to have worked so hard, but then have family say things like that to him is really hurtful and demoralizing. Just keep such comments to yourself, please.
He is so easy-going, such a goodhearted friend to everyone, he would not dream of confronting you about this. But I love him and see how hurt he was, and I have no qualms about telling you this. Below you'll see a post he made at a weight loss forum where we're participants. You can see his heart in that post. I ask that you read the replies and think about how your words affect people.
We're all family and should support one another, you know? That's all I ask.
I think something got taken out of context somehow. Kimberley emailed me and stated that I had been inconsiderate and rude to you. I in know way intended for that to happen. I was simply writing you to congratulate you on your accomplishments. I wish you the best in your upcoming surgery and trip to Maryland. Also a speedy recovery! We are nothing but PROUD OF YOU AND ALL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS! I wish I could do half of what you have accomplished. No one has ever laughed or made fun of you!!!!!EVER!!
If you got that out of my last email, I certainly apologize.
All of our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Again, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
I told Kimberley not to do that. I know you meant nothing by what you said. It bothered me to think that you all were trying on my clothes and having fun with how big they were but that comes from years of having people make fun of me. We have had pictures done with me and Kimberley in my old clothes but when your involved in it that is a little different. I get a bit sensitive when it comes to things like that. I've had things said by my brother in-law telling me that Grandma Butterfield would make comments like put the food away here comes Howie. And someone else told me good old Aunt Wanda was complaining I ate too many of her buckeyes when I was a kid. So like I said I'm just a little sensitive when it comes to these things. I know how I was and I know how people in general talk. But those were things that were not meant for me to hear so it's really none of my business. It just tends to jab at you when you do here them.
I have no hard feelings toward you as a matter of fact here is what I wrote on my weight loss support group in a discussion about the comments I have had from family and friends.
"You just have to chalk it up to people not knowing that they are being hurtful. I love my family and I know the things they say are not meant to be hurtful. My cousin that said that, I know to be a very caring person. They just don't think about it. I just wanted to talk about it. That way if others get the same comments we know we are not alone. Plus it helps just talking about it and getting the support from all of you"
So don't worry that you offended me because all though it hurt to think about it, I know you meant nothing by it. Thanks for taking the time to write and congratulate me.
12-13-2005, 11:50 AM
Oh Howie.. that's so not okay..! I can't believe people would be so insensitive to say that! That's so rude and inconsiderate!!
I hope you're hanging in there. I don't think people understand how difficult it is for so many reasons (physical, emotional, etc), to lose weight or at least committ oneself to doing it even! And how hurtful comments can be, especially when we may already be struggling so much.
Hang in there, and take pride in the challenges you've overcome and how you got there! There will always be people willing to bring us down - whether they realize it or not, but there will always also be people cheering us on :) Would you feel comfortable speaking to your family about it? Would they be receptive?
12-13-2005, 12:00 PM
Good heaven that's the first post that ever actually brought tears to my eyes.
I commend you both for addressing the situation. Confrontation is never easy when it comes to hurt feelings but it almost always helps. Especially when you approach the other person with honesty instead of judgement as you did, Kimberly.
I am so happy that you have both found closure on the matter.
12-13-2005, 12:08 PM
I am SO PROUD to call Howie and Kimberley my friends! The way you handled the situation was very classy. When you stood up to your cousin, it was not only for you, but for all of us that have been the butt of family jokes our entire lives.
12-13-2005, 12:13 PM
Very well written letters both of you and it does sound like it was more ignorance on your cousin's part and not malicious at all. Now that said cousin knows that backhanded compliments hurt, hopefully he/she will be more mindful of his/her words in the future.
12-13-2005, 12:57 PM
Great way to handle it. :yes: Stating your feelings and needs honestly, and without ill-feeling is often the best way to resolve a situation. Kudos to Kimberley for taking the initiative.
12-13-2005, 12:58 PM
Kimberley made me cry at work!!! She's a keeper, Howie! ;)
I'm so glad your cousin apologized. I'm sure your whole family is proud of you, and yes, some jealous of your success. AND THEY SHOULD BE! Look how far you've come! No pills, no surgery, just good old fashioned portion control, good choices & exercise. You truly are the ultimate 100# Club All-Stars.
To Howberley! :cheers:
12-13-2005, 01:15 PM
Kimberly - good for you for defending the love of your life - Howie.....I'm so glad I came hear to read this thread - you two are such a beautiful couple. Wish you could sprinkle some of your kindness to everyone.......
12-13-2005, 01:38 PM
Yes Kimberley is a Keeper. I would rather she had not sent that but I know she did it out of love and it turned out good. I knew he did not mean it and would have rather just let it slide but it is nice that he knows and maybe he will spread the word.
12-13-2005, 01:44 PM
Kimberly, what a well thought out worded email. I think it was wonderful the way you worded your response. What a great person that Howie has in his corner!
12-13-2005, 01:56 PM
I know I was harsh in what I said, but...Oh, man, don't go messin' with my fella. What I wrote was tame compared to what was going on in my noggin. Howie's got enough on his mind with his surgery coming up, feeling anxious and all of that - he doesn't need to hear comments like that right now. I know his family loves him (who couldn't?), so I hope they'll take what I wrote in the spirit in which it was written: Hey, y'all, be kind to your cousin!
12-13-2005, 03:04 PM
Isn't it great to get things out in the open? Excellent letter Kimberly and Howie your response was great as well. Sometimes people just don't mean things they say, but you're feelings get hurt in how the comment was said. I'm glad you've settled things with your family.