I am so frustrated with my husband I could SCREAM. He just has no idea what its like to try to lose weight. He's decided that if he doesn't see me trying 100% all the time that I'm not trying at all. Of course who cares about me pointing out things I am doing to take small steps towards losing weight. I just don't know how to get him to understand that changing completely into a totally opposite direction than where I am now is next to impossible. I can't go from the person I am right now with the eating habits I have right now to someone who eats right all the time with no mistakes ever. We had a discussion about all or nothing thinking at my TOPS meeting the other night. My problem isn't ME using all or nothing thinking, its my HUSBAND using all or nothing thinking.
I am just at my wit's end with him.. and what he doesn't realize even though I've told him a million times is he's making it worse. I don't know how to properly deal with my emotions yet, so if he goes off making me upset, what am I going to want to do but eat? I'm trying to take a small step here by posting my feelings instead of drowning myself in a bucket of Ben and Jerry's.
I just don't know how to make him see that 1 day of 100% correct eating behavior out of 3 is a positive step in the right direction. Especially when the other two are at about 70% correct eating. He doesn't SEE me eat for 2 out of 3 meals anyways.
And of course, he's fit and can eat whatever he wants, so he really doesn't understand. Sometimes I really wish I had married a fat man so that at least he would understand how hard it is.
12-10-2005, 12:48 PM
If you'd like, I can come over and hang him by the toenails.:devil:
Okay, now all joking aside, I can definitely understand what you are going through and unfortunately, he may never be sympathetic or understanding when it comes to this. I had an ex-boyfriend that was the complete opposite. If I told him I was dieting he would always try to get me to eat off program things. He wanted to keep me overweight. He thought if I lost weight then I'd leave him. I guess that theory went out the window when I left him and I was still fat.
As for your husband, do you think it will help any if you invite him to one of your TOPS meetings??
12-10-2005, 02:07 PM
Oh, that's difficult!
I'm not pretending I know your situation but maybe you need to tell him exactly what you need: "Sweetie, I need a husband that supports me in my efforts and in a cheerleader but not a policeman. You're really being detrimental to my efforts, everytime you remind me of my less than perfect behavior, it makes me want to throw it all away and eat 100% off plan because I'm getting a lecture from you anyway."
I'm always amazed by the effect of telling someone exactly what you want.
12-10-2005, 02:48 PM
Oh dear, Beth Anne. That's an awful situation. I went through a similar thing for years with my ex, so you have my sympathy. During my time with him (15 years), I was successful in losing a large amount of weight once, over a period of 8 months, and even then I never reached my goal weight because eventually I succumbed to his constant belittling and simply threw in the towel. :(
I'm glad you came here to vent instead of seeking support in the ice cream. :) I'm sorry to say your husband may never change. My ex certainly didn't, although to be fair, I didn't exactly handle the deal well myself. I eventually came to the realisation that his behaviour was his way of rebelling against my taking control of my life, and spending time on something from which he was excluded. I believe he felt threatened.
Since your husband's so fit, have you considered asking for his help? Maybe trying teahoney's and Goddess Jessica's suggestions along with inviting him to get actively involved in your quest for better health might make him feel a part of it too. Perhaps get him to help you come up with a workout routine? He may actually have some helpful tips to pass along! Whatever you do, I hope the situation improves. :hug:
12-10-2005, 03:15 PM
I can't say I know how you feel. My husband has always been truly supportive. In fact, if I ever skip the gym or eat a little off plan I find myself trying to justify it to him. He tells me all the time that he knows I'm working hard and trusts me handle my weight issues appropriately.
With that said, at the onset of my plan I had a real heart to heart with him about what I needed from him to be successful. We worked out compromises for potential situations that might derail me. For instance, he's a candy eater so until I felt in control of my habits I asked that he not eat my favorites in front of me or tell me he has them for that matter. I didn't think it was fair to tell him HE couldn't have candy all the time (he's fit and trim) but I didn't want to be tempted either.
So, I agree with Jessica. Figure out EXACTLY what you want and need from your husband and then TELL him. If he still isn't supportive then you'll just have to find a way around it. I know it sounds harsh but you are the one who has to lose the weight, not him. If you can get him on board that will be awesome and certainly it will make things easier for you. But, if you can't get his help then you must find a way to make sure HIS attitude doesn't affect YOURS. If there is one thing I've learned will always keep me from reaching any goal (weight loss or otherwise) it is letting other people's actions negatively impact my own.
I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated with your husband. But, you KNOW you are right - it isn't about waking up one day and making perfect eating choices 100% of the time. So, go with that. Don't let your husband's all or nothing idea bother you, especially since you KNOW he's wrong.
12-10-2005, 03:56 PM
IMO, men tend to have a "fix it" mentality when it comes to most things, regardless of the emotions driving the issue to begin with. And since they're naturally always right,(cough*bulls!#t):rolleyes: the only way to "fix it" is to give it your all, 100% of the time. Anything less is failure in their eyes. You know, that all or none mentality, but to the 10th. power. Plus, in most cases they've been through all of this with us before, so whether they'll say it or not, they may not have a whole lot of faith in us. But seriously, who could blame 'em? Personally, I took kind of a different approach. I didn't tell him what I was up to, in fact, I didn't tell anyone. But Bub is extraordinarily thickheaded and pretty much oblivious to what's going on around him unless it directly affects him. So other partners may actually get a clue after you've lost 50-75 lbs. and have been refusing to partake in the fast food and candy binges for the past six months!:mad: But I digress.:D Anyway, I didn't tell him because the last thing I needed was someone giving me the "do you think you really need that" look, every time I turned around, and I couldn't deal with any more expectation of failure than was absolutely necessary. So, I zipped my lip and "fixed it" my own damn self. And by the time he realized that I was vanishing before his very eyes, the lifestyle was firmly in place, along with my confidence that what I was doing was working for me, and I didn't need him to police me or "fix it" for me. But that's just me, and I am one anti-social wench who believes that if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself!:D
12-10-2005, 07:15 PM
I'm so sorry, hon. I know what it's like to have no support. And some people will never truly understand. Try and get him involved. But if he still resists, then find some other people close by that can give you the support you need. DON'T turn to food. Man, it's tempting, isn't it? (I SOOOOOOOO know).
Keep on doing what you should be doing. He can hop on board or watch from the sidelines, but you can't MAKE him do what you want him to.
Best of luck!
12-10-2005, 09:57 PM
BA, I know exactly what you mean about dh having an all or nothing personality. My dh is exactly the same way. I will give you an example. We moved recently and it was a terrible move mostly because my dh couldn't or wouldn't pack up a lot of his stuff, thought it would only take a short period of time so that on moving day half of his stuff was not packed. He couldn't do a little bit at a time every day. He always wanted to do the whole thing at once or not at all. So I know what you mean when you say your dh thinks the same about weight loss. IMHO I think you should just tell dh that this isn't helpful and just to butt out. Honestly if you can't say something supportive and helpful don't say anything at all. You would think that most people know better than to say negative stuff, in some twisted way I think they think that it is helpful. My mom is always saying negative stuff to me about my weight and I finally just told her that she can just keep her comments to herself because all it does is make me want to eat more. Like she has been saying this stuff all my life and thus far it hasn't helped me lose weight so I think she's finally learned to keep her mouth shut. Her idea of losing weight is to either starve herself or eat nothing but chicken and green beans every day. Anyway I digress, I would ask dh to just keep his comments to himself because ultimately what he is saying is making you upset and wanting to eat more instead of less.
12-11-2005, 12:09 AM
Beverly you are right we men are fixers. That is how we are wired. I have to watch that and just listen instead of trying to fix it. Beth you do need to try and sit down and talk to your dh. He may not realize what he is doing. Tell him you don't need someone to try and fix it you need someone to listen and be supportive. Ask him to focus on the good things you do and cheer you on for that. Maybe ask him to research how he should help you by supporting you in the right way. That way he can feel like he's fixing but really he will be learning to listen.
I think you told me a while back that you guys are Christians. There is a good marriage counselor named Dennis Rainey and he has a book called Building Your Mates Self Esteem. You might see if your husband would be willing to read through that with you. Dennis is relay good at explaining the differences between men and women and I think this book might really be helpful. Let me know if you can't find this and I could mail you my copy to use and then you could mail it back.
Hope things get better for you. Good for you for posting here instead of going for the food.
12-11-2005, 07:25 AM
i think we should set up a 3FC 100 lb club marriage counselling service!!!!
My dh was a pain when I started. He was a saboteur then turned into a policeman, but would switch every now and again. I did try the sit down and tell him what i need approach, but that didn't work. So if he said something that annoyed me I would be really adult about it and ignore him, or poke my tongue out or say not helpful darling!
As the weight has dropped off he has had a complete 180 degree about face. He is so supportive and helpful, and has learnt to cook healthy meals, and will always praise me when I buy something new, or he's noticed a change in my body. I love him to bits and the early months of the weight loss saga are but a memory.
You hubby will come around once he realises you are in control of your weight issues and are making positive changes. He will have no choice but to be in awe of your success!!!!!
12-12-2005, 01:05 PM
I agree with the idea of sitting down and having one big heart-to-heart that is far removed from any heat of the moment. A clear, calm, polite, "Here's what I'm trying to accomplish, and here's what I would hope from you. You may not agree with my methods or understand why, but I need this from you even if."
Then, when he pipes up again, why not have some neutral phrases you can pull out and respond with automatically? You, of course, being the smart chickie that you are, will then proceed to ignore what he said, but he will get a response that will neutralize a comeback and escalation:
"Thank you for your input."
"I appreciate your concern."
"I'm not going to argue with you about this."
12-12-2005, 03:31 PM
You've been given some great advice. Just wanted to give you a :grouphug:
12-12-2005, 04:26 PM
Thanks all - I really appreciate all the kind words and advice. It really helps to know there are other people out there who understand. I had a good heart to heart with dh yesterday, and hopefully he understands now. I think he just has a hard time hearing me say "When you do X, Y, Z it makes me want to eat." He thinks this is me trying to blame someone else for my problem.
Anyone have any ideas on other ways I could explain that to him?? (especially you H-man since you are the resident husband expert of the group!)
Thanks again for all the support and love - I really needed it this weekend.
12-12-2005, 05:00 PM
Just a thought but have you thought about checking out some books on overeating or pointing him to the overeaters anonymous website. Maybe if he understood that your overeating is like an alcoholic with a drink, he may figure it out. Just a couple of quick rambling thoughts
12-13-2005, 01:58 AM
I think Dawn has got something there. I think a lot of people are of the opinion that if a person is overweight it is because of lack of willpower and losing weight is just as easy as "eating less" where we know that addiction to food can be just as difficult to overcome as an addiciton to drugs, alcohol or cigarettes.
12-13-2005, 05:49 PM
"Sweetie, if I honestly thought that other people were to blame for my weight problem, wouldn't I just get rid of those people in my life?" *bats eyelashes*
12-13-2005, 07:21 PM
I think it may help to point out that you aren't "blaming" him for your eating, because he's right, there's nothing he can say that will "make" you eat, but if he loves you, he'll want to truly help, not just "be right." The trigger his comments have is within you, but if he understand the trigger, he can help help you, assuming he wants to. But you have to realize, the issue may be complicated for him, and there may be reasons why he doesn't want you to lose weight (that he may not even be aware of) like fear that you'll expect him to change his habits, that you'll become more attractive and lose interest in him, that he'll lose his eating buddy..... But most guys won't admit to having ulterior motives, even to themselves, so to them women are always just "making excuses."
Good luck, and if all else fails, give him the "I'll kill you in your sleep if you keep talking" look, and if he doesn't "get it" you may have to supplement with actual threats (for legal reasons, I must state that I am not advocating domestic violence in any form).
12-13-2005, 09:02 PM
I guess with me it would be the direct aproach. Tell him when you do X, Y, Z it makes me want to eat. I'm not saying that you are making me eat but there are feelings I strugle with when you do X, Y, Z. It is always my choice that I eat or don't eat so I can't blame you. However it would be a much less stressful enviroment if you did not do X, Y, Z and therefore I think I would have a better chance of betting this thing.
I think he would understand that and know that you are not trying to cop out by blaming him for your eating habits.