This is a vent about a relative who is a food pusher. I rent a home from a relative (OK, I know - that's my first mistake). This relative is *too good* of a landlord - she fixes everything, even things that aren't hers or things that are not broken. I've continually had boundary discussions with her, but she doesn't get it at all.
As a lease-bound tenant, I realize I have the right to tell her that she can't be in my house unless I am here. That would be good and fine, except then I have to spend my evenings and weekends with her here (seriously, several hours a week of "maintenance" going on here).
I can deal with almost every aspect of this .... except this invasive woman is a food pusher. She drops off monster muffins from Perkins, sweet breads, all sorts of pastries that we don't eat. I've left her very explicit notes saying, "Look - I am fat and don't need any help getting fatter. My son doesn't have much of a sweet tooth, and I don't want to encourage it. Please respect our wishes and stop bringing this stuff over." This works for a week or so, then she starts by sending over vegetables. Then fruits. Then nuts. Then oh, "healthy" caramel-apple bread. How healthy can caramel-anything be?? And if it's here, I will eat it. My son won't.
I am livid. I took the loaf of bread outside and fed it to the squirrels. She is planning to be over tomorrow, too, and I'm tempted to leave a note saying, "Please, stop." I seriously think she's doing this just to see if she can get a reaction from me and to sabotage my efforts. (She's not thin herself, and she is an alcoholic).
I do realize the only solution to this is moving out; she will not negotiate. Thanks for listening - suggestions welcome, but I've mostly exhausted every avenue with this person.
Sounds like she is concerned you might be successful at weight loss and she'll still be a drunk. Any chance of moving? You've tried being nice, you've tried being blunt...maybe changing the locks?
Oh Phanta. I'm so sorry. I can really feel for you. It seems as though she is trying to sabotage you. Maybe she feels that if you lose the weight then she isn't going to look as good and she doesn't want you to look better then her. It's really sad that she can't get the hint to stop bringing over the food.
It sounds like if she can't get the hint that moving out might be your best option, but is that a viable option for you? I hope things get better. Just keep doing your best to tell her no. Maybe you should tell her to her face. Thanks for thinking of me. It's nice and all, but I'm trying to better myself and become healthier. Your efforts are not helping me. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't bring over food.
Thanks for thinking of me. It's nice and all, but I'm trying to better myself and become healthier. Your efforts are not helping me. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't bring over food.
I don't talk to her that often. Somehow, her being in our house when we're not there is MORE than enough communication with her.
Maybe leave the food untouched, sitting in the exact same place she left it (even if it's not the exact same packet cos you ate the other one!). Try taking the food she leaves, putting it out in the garage or something for a week, then put it back where she left it! She might get the message after 10 piles of sticky buns start piling up! Leave them to go off and get really stale and mouldy... She might get the picture! Sometimes a nasty hint does the trick!
I know this is a serious issue - but maybe making a game of it might help you? Think of the food she leaves as poison - that might make it easier to leave alone. A lot of this weight loss thing is a head game you can play with yourself. She doesn't have to win.
On the occasions she does win - she doesn't have to know about it. I love the comment
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(even if it's not the exact same packet cos you ate the other one!)
You are too funny Phanta. I think it's great that you put that at the bottom of the note. I have to say I like the others ideas too. Maybe if you return the food back to her with mold on it she might get the hint. But it sounds like she is a bit thick-headed. It's just sad that she is doing that to you. I think she just doesn't like things about her own self and she's not willing to fix them so she doesn't want to see you succeed either.
You just have to be strong and prove that you can do it and her sabotaging isn't going to get to you. I can relate to you on having her in the home when you aren't there. I think if she needs to come over, she needs to give you notice so you know in advance. I don't like knowing someone is going to be in the apartment when no one is home. I don't care if it is family or not.
Keep up the good work. Just keep saying no to the "poison". You can do it.
You don't mention how old your food pusher is. Could it be a matter of she doesn't really have a life? Many older people ok, many people, don't know how to go out into the world and make new friends or have hobbies where they can meet people. Their kids grow up and move away, siblings move away, parents die and they are at a loss. They tend to become a well-intentioned pest without realizing it.
Could she be using this as a way of being part of a family?
Being honest with what you do with the food as she gives it to you is probably the best. "Thank you for thinking of us, but we don't eat that. If you leave it, we'll probably just feed the birds with it. They do enjoy it. But it does seem a waste to do that."
My brother used to live in a house next to my parents owned by my parents, rent free. When he got married, they finally had to move because Mom couldn't understand the new DIL didn't appreciate her coming over all the time to do DB laundry or wash the dishes or bring over a plate of food so he would have a midnight snack when he got home from work, let the dog out, make sure the dog had food and water just like before he was married. You aren't alone in this problem!
Good luck with your pusher! Hopefully she'll get the hint.
As frustrating as it must be just remember that YOU are responsible for what goes in your mouth. There doesn't have to be any ongoing dialog about it all. When you find something she has left, dump it (or feed it to the squirrels) - IMMEDIATELY. Don't make it a competition - her seeing if she can get you to eat it, or you seeing if you can convince her to stop bringing it. If she ever happens to ask how you liked something she left tell her you wouldn't know because you didn't eat it.
Sarah - yes, she is retired and has no spouse or children. That is a big part of it; she has a deep-seated need to be part of our families. I don't think she realizes how conter-productive her actions are.
Jawsmom - I was finally mad enough this last time to send that loaf outside to the squirrels right away, but I know from past experience that there are other times when the cream-cheese pumpkin muffin's draw is just too strong. Your comment about it becoming a competition makes perfectly good sense. Why, that sounds like what a thin person would do.
I'm with jawsmom -- just throw it out, or give it away. She's not going to stop.
I also don't think that all food pushers are saboteurs, either conscious or unconscious. Some are, sure, but for some giving food is how they learned to show affection, caring, to say thank you, to just be generous. It CAN come from a good place, even if they are being thick-headed about the real effect. It could also be a way to show superiority -- "I can afford to give you this life staple and maybe you need it because you aren't as successful as I am" or whatever. In her case, it may be just an extension of her lack of understanding about boundaries. How can you expect someone who does the other things she does to respect a boundary about food? Again, she probably thinks she is being a thoughtful and caring landlord/relative who works very hard to take good care of you; you can't change a mindset like that.
In the end, though, motive doesn't matter. She leaves the food, you get rid of it asap. Refusing it or leaving it to rot is more likely to cause a problem than it is to just go along. I'm all for letting people know what you need and when they've crossed a line, but if they don't learn then you have to decide what price you're willing to pay -- both with the relationship and your own mental health -- in continuing to fight it.
Sounds like she's a nice soul but a nosey one (or lonely) to boot.
Change the locks on the house, she'll get the message FAST. You have every right to your privacy.
As far as the food goes, tell her your doctor says you can't eat the breads and sugars anymore, its making you sick. OR when she hands the stuff to you, hand it back to her and say NO thank you. Or when she's leaving walk her to the car and put the goodies in the car with her. Say thanks but NO thanks, do this a few times, she'll realize she's wasting her $$. If she calls that she's on her way over, tell her she's welcomed to come but the goodies aren't welcomed.
It sucks to have to lie but if the truth isn't sinking in then I don't see the harm in it. You have to protect yourself and your son (which you are so right on the money with him learning to like that stuff).
Older folks do seem to be more pushy when it comes to stuff like this (food is such a nurturing gift) so you have to be firm, but firm in a good way. Remember, you said she was TOO GOOD, so keep trying without harming the relationship.
She sounds like a very lonely person! It is sad, I don't think she understands that you do not want the extra food? (my mother tends to think If she can't feed me up every time she sees me, that I don't love her, It comes from a need to nurture!, I gave up trying to change it, but luckily I only see her every other month) Maybe If you said that you have health problems with the junk food (maybe a wheat allergy) that you would love it more if she only brought fruit or veg? then you could enjoy it without feeling sick.
Having privacy I think will always be impossible with her, she is craving a friend, a family, the only solution would be finding somewhere else (changing the locks is hard when you are only renting, you cannot do it without the owners permission) , it would be good if you could add a deadlock only you have the key to, maybe you could say to her, you are nervous about security and would like to add one in so no one can break in and rob you, and if she says yes, forget to give her a key. so she cannot get in when you are not home.
I don't think she is deliberately sabotaging you, she is just trying to get some attention and to feel needed. People like this are very hard to change, try to form a new habit with her, say you crave a certain fruit, "gee, I really feel like some fresh crispy apples..." and keep mentioning it.. Then she might bring apples, and then make a BIG thing of it "Oh wow, this is just what I have been wanting, YUM", and do this for a few weeks, then make a subtle comment, on how you love her to bring you fresh fruit, sure beats all the cake and junk, and you feel much better.
Food Pushers and Sabotagers
especially all moldy.... 
You are too funny Phanta. I think it's great that you put that at the bottom of the note. I have to say I like the others ideas too. Maybe if you return the food back to her with mold on it she might get the hint. But it sounds like she is a bit thick-headed. It's just sad that she is doing that to you. I think she just doesn't like things about her own self and she's not willing to fix them so she doesn't want to see you succeed either.
Why, that sounds like what a thin person would do. 
