Weight Loss Support - As I sit here and cry while I type, I need some friends..
10-10-2005, 09:32 AM
This morning I told my daughter I would come and eat lunch w/ her, she has asked me several times in the last week, well I decided to today and told her, well apparently she had thought about it over the weekend because she said OK then got quiet, a few minutes later I walked in and asked her what was wrong and she said tearfully, while wiping her eyes (in her words, she is only 8 years old) "It's just everyone elses mom who has came and ate with them has been skinny and I don't know if I will get teased or not", my heart is broke, I didn't break down in front of her because she was only being honest and didn't mean to hurt me, there was nothing bratty about it, she was genuinly concerned about being teased over me, so I asked her if she wanted daddy to come eat w/ her instead and she said yes... so the story goes is daddy gets to go...I have been a stay at home mom all this time to do things like this, to be apart of their lives at school, parties etc and I had the rug pulled out from under me, I am big yes, I weighed in at 201 today down from 238 after giving birth 10 months ago today, I have accomplished so much recently I know, but I do see her point...
You talk about an eye opener.. Sorry so long I just need someone who understands and I know you all do, I am so humiliated.
I am gonna get on the treadmill now.. thanks for listening.
I posted this on another board also, I need all the support I can get..
10-10-2005, 09:44 AM
I think you are a great mom! You totally thought of a good and easy solution by sending Dad instead. It was a very classy move.
I understand your plight, to some extent. When my son was in middle school, we used to go on walks and bike rides in our neighborhood all the time. Then suddenly he didn't want to go, and when I asked why, he said it's because some neighborhood kids saw us together and they teased him because I was fat. I haven't walked in our neighborhood since.
Just knowing you're doing something about it is a great start. I don't have a ton of advice, but I can at least offer you a big virtual hug. Hang in there.
10-10-2005, 09:51 AM
Hmmm... I don't think that not going is the answer. It's like you're confirming to your daughter that you have something to be ashamed of or something. It makes sense that you don't want your daughter to be teased on your account. As awful as teasing is, sometimes it's necessary to learn a lesson. You need to give her the message that there isn't anything to be embarrassed about, plus, they might NOT tease her. If they do tease her, then it will give you a good opportunity to teach her about tolerance, respect, perseverence and determination. She needs to learn about not being afraid to be who she is! You can't be afraid to live your life as who you are! Being fat doesn't have to be a BAD thing! I'm so glad I grew up fat, as awful as it was to be picked on every day, I think it made me a nicer person, a respectful person, and a more sensitive person! Lots of love from Mass!
10-10-2005, 10:27 AM
I'm all for you going to your daughter's school function. By not going you are confirming that she should be ashamed to you. I still remember when I was in second grade a boy in my class remarked about how fat my mom was. It didn't hurt my feelings, or make me feel bad about my mom. It made me MAD AS ****. How dare he say bad things about my mom. She was the best mom in the world, and I loved her just the way she was. I would give anything for my mom to still be here, regardless of her weight. Some day your daughter is going to be very sorry if she misses out on sharing these moments with you now. You've got to teach your daughter that acceptance is part of love.
And for Phantastica, please don't let anyone keep you from walking the streets (in the nice way :) ) in your neighborhood. You have the right to walk, shop, eat, etc., anywhere you want too.
10-10-2005, 10:48 AM
I agree I think you should still go to eat lunch with your daughter or go to other school functions. I am a stay at home mom and I have gone to eat lunch with my son a few times and he is only in kindergarten and believe me the thought ran through my mind whether or not these 5 year olds would say something to my son about my weight. To my knowledge they didn't. I know that must have broke your heart and I am so sorry for that but you are still her mom and you should be able to go eat lunch with her.
10-10-2005, 11:06 AM
I think your decision not to go to have lunch with your daughter is the right one - for now. A window of opprotunity has been opened, though, and you need to take advantage of it. Now is the time to discuss with your daughter that how a person looks doesn't define the kind of person they are. Now is the time to discuss loyalty with her and explain the importance of sticking up for the people she cares for. Ask her WHY she thinks she'll be teased. Has she been already? Has she overheard someone else being made fun of? If that is the case arm her with a comeback - an honest one, not a snide one. For instance teach her when ignoring someone is the best response. Teach her that sometimes the best comeback is simply stating the truth. "My mom may be overweight but she's still a great mom and I don't really care what you think of her. Nobody is perfect." This is the perfect opportunity for her to learn that people who are cruel aren't the best choice for friends. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells or hide themselves/family to feel accepted. Somewhere in this school there is a perfect match of friends for her. Now is the time to help her find them.
Only after I'd taken the time to discuss these issues with her would I join her for lunch. No, you shouldn't confirm the notion that she should be ashamed of you. BUT -she's only 8 and your point doesn't have to be made at the expense of her own self esteem. By forcing her to endure (what she thinks) could be an embarrasing without any more knowledge than she has would be a mistake, if you ask me. Her self esteem can't be the highest in the world or she wouldn't be this worried about what others think of YOU. If you force yourself into the situation and she actually does get teased, what then? You will have alienated yourself from her and she's not likely to want to hear what you have to say. Talk to her NOW. Then, if she does get teased, you've already got an open line of communication going.
And, now is the perfect time to examine the message you send to her about your weight. Do you speak poorly of yourself because of your weight? Are you ashamed of your weight and do you define yourself by it? If you do then now is the time to change your tune. Speak of losing weight in terms of health instead of appearance. Find ways to be confident in yourself regardless of your size. Otherwise you are unintentionally sending her the exact messages she seems to already be getting at school. She's at a very impressionable age and she needs to be surrounded with positive and reasonable ideas of body image. That is all easier said than done, I know. Very few overweight people are without shame. But there is still no reason that you can't overcome it with plenty of postive self talk and a continued effort to develop a healthier you.
10-10-2005, 12:24 PM
I can feel what you are saying. I have always been heavy but I can say that when my son was in preschool I was always there to give a hand in his class. He was never teased about how fat mommy was. Instead he was told what a good cook your mommy is. When he got to kindergarden I thought maybe he might be embarassed of me going to school. But he didn't. Again they all thought his mommy was a great cookie maker.
I do think about what will happen now. I am living in another state from my older 2 children. And I wonder what would happen if I come back. Will I embarass them in front of their friends. I know how kids can be. I am losing the weight for me so I can be healthier and be around to see my kids grow up.
I think you should sit down with your daughter and find out what's going on inside her head. Is she embarassed just to have you at school or is it other times when you go out in public? I think you need to do what you feel is right about whether to go or not. If you're not ready to do it now. Maybe later in the school year. Just remember she loves you.
10-10-2005, 12:24 PM
This just broke my heart when I read this. You've gotten alot of great advice here, so Im not going to repeat whats been said.
8 yr olds are so perceptive of whats happening around them, mine turns 9 next month. She has learned to say whats on her mind (for the most part) without hurting my feelings. She broke down crying one day because I had been loosing weight, and she didnt want me to get skinny, because then I wont be squishy enough to hug. Go figure :lol: Let your daughter love you for who you are....a beautiful, wonderful mother who loves her.
Sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts your way.
10-10-2005, 12:38 PM
I kinda would feel the same that I would not go but I think I would put that aside, it would be kind of telling your daughter its ok to feel embarassed about her mom or to avoid situations in life that may be embarassing, just think of going to the gyno yeeks, I avoided that until I was 21......
10-10-2005, 12:52 PM
Your message broke my heart...my mother was a bigger mother, but I was never teased about my mom. (I was teased about own weight!) My mother was one of the most active mothers - even if she was a bigger mom. She was president of the PTA, 4-h advisor, volenteer & she had a part time job while taking care of 3 kids, a husband and running us all over the place (dance classes, soccer, karate, etc.) It's no wonder my mom was fat - she never took care of herself. It wasn't until I was 26 I was teased about my mother's weight. I bought my mother Godiva chocolate for Xmas one year & my bf at the time asked who I bought the chocolate for - when I said my mother, his reply was "So that's whats wrong with her." WHO THE **** WAS HE?? I decked him & dumped him in one breathe. I guess what I'm saying is NOBODY is perfect, and you should feel good because you know what your fault is & you are working on improving you! GOOD FOR YOU!! Keep it up & don't get discourage! ((((hugs)))
10-10-2005, 01:10 PM
A little different perspective - my Mom has a brace on one leg and crutches to walk - I got plenty of teasing when I was a kid. I think it made me a stronger person....talk to your kid and go to the next thing when she is ready...
:grouphug: and :goodvibes:
10-10-2005, 06:38 PM
Aw, so sorry to hear that! You put so much effort into your daughter. You're a good mom.
Congratulations on your weight loss success so far!
10-11-2005, 12:57 PM
I grew up with a mother who was bigger then the average mom. I remember making a similar comment to her when i was 8 yrs old. We were walking to my band concert and i told her i was embaressedof her "big love handles". I will never forget the look on her face as i still remember it to this day. But she never backed down she was always there for me in all my extra cirrucular activities even when i got into high school and she reached 350lbs. In 5th grade all my friends told me what a beautiful mother i had and i realized if my friends could see through her weight i could too. I am glad my mom didn't turn around and go home that night when i was 8. It taught me a valuable lesson when i was friends with "the fat girl" in school and i was made fun of because of it i just let it roll off me. I grew up to not be a shallow individual. Please remeber you are beautiful no matter how big you are. Lots of hugs and i hope things go well.
10-13-2005, 04:15 PM
Wow, that's a tough one! At least you have the excuse that you just had a baby. A lot of people don't even have that. One of my children's freinds asked if I was pregnant, twice! I said no, not anymore, 4 years ago though.... I hate that. I'm always terrified wondering if my children will say anything to people that are morbidly obese. I am at an "obese" weight and it was never mentioned, yet. You're a great mom and if you want to go to your childs school, hold your head up and go. Things happen every day and you don't want to miss out on anything just because of a weight issue. Good Luck!
10-13-2005, 05:31 PM
Your post made me very sad, and remember growing up myself (not so long ago for me). When I was a kid, my Mom was overweight but I never remember that being an issue. I just always thought my parents were dorks, regardless of the way they looked, and at one of those lunch socials told my Mom (who was stay at home as well) not to come because I thought only the dorky kids would bring their parents. Well, truth is everyone brought their parents and I ate lunch alone and missed my mother more than ever. I don't think it was a big a blow to her as it was to me, and still makes me sad to this day that I did that to her and to myself. And yeah, if anyone had said anything about my Mom OR my Dad I would have punched them. Is there any reason both you and your husband can't go? Or can it be only one parent?
10-13-2005, 06:34 PM
I've been reading your posts and thinking about this commercial I see on TV all the time;I can't remember which product or Diet, it's a mother talking; "When your 5 year old tells you that you are FAT you KNOW it's the truth, yadyada, I sit in the car while my kids play sports so no one can see how fat I am"....
I think it's a terrible promotion and targets our denial about just how badly you can feel to rush right to them with your wallet open to stop the bad feelings.....
I can appreciate your not wanting your child to be teased....but hiding out is sending the wrong message about being proud of yourself and being so much more than what you weigh. You need to focus on things that are not centered around your weight.
YOu are fortunate enough to BE ABLE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND EAT LUNCH WITH YOUR CHILD....suppose you didn't have this opprotunity anymore? Would you regret it?
(I guess you can tell I was never able to do this because of my work schedule at that time....I would have jumped at the opportunity no matter how much I weighed!)
10-13-2005, 06:53 PM
I just asked my son if he was ever teased about my weight. He said no (he's 15 now) I went lunch with him and volenteered for school parties you name it I was there. I was also his Cub Scout Leader then I went into being a Boy Scout Ast. Scoutmaster.(Still am) I have 2 nieces that have asked me to come eat lunch with them and help with parties. I have never been asked about my weight by a child but tell them honestly what your doing to help yourself be more healthy. I believe this could be a great learning process for everyone including your daughter. Kids grow way to fast have a talk with her your both really end up missing alot if you let weight stand in your way.
10-14-2005, 01:45 PM
It wasn't until I was 26 I was teased about my mother's weight. I bought my mother Godiva chocolate for Xmas one year & my bf at the time asked who I bought the chocolate for - when I said my mother, his reply was "So that's whats wrong with her."
How awful! If my husband ever said anything like that about my mom I'd divorce him.
10-14-2005, 03:09 PM
I agree with the ones who posted you shouldn't stay at home. I mean, she kept wanting you to go and then BAM, she now doesn't because she's afraid of being teased. It tells your daughter if she isn't just like everyone else or like the norm, she should hide away. It tells you, you need to be ashamed of who you are and not WHAT you are.
I just hope it isn't the type of thing where your feelings don't matter and you feel guilty about being overweight. She'll be picked on sometime, somewhere ... it will have nothing to do with you. I was a room mother for years. I was thin, then I was overweight. I found the kids enjoyed me at all sizes because I enjoyed the kids. I didn't get hung up on my size.
I hope you find resolution.
10-14-2005, 07:12 PM
xxxxxx I feel your pain because I weigh 220 right now and my 9 year old son makes comments about my weight sometimes. He is always comparing me to the women on TV and telling me I am pretty but would look better if skinnier. My ex just remarried and my son made the comment that his daddies new wife is skinny which really hurt. But I know that these are just observations he's making and he's not trying to hurt my feelings so this consoles me (somewhat). I just can't wait until I loose this weight not only for appearance sake but for my health. I never really thought about what I've been doing to myself everytime I've allowed myself to gorge out on comfort foods(because that's just what they are to me)but as I look in the mirror I'm disgusted. I can't live like this anymore,the self doubt, pity,ect. This is it! The first steps to my new life and I'm going to continue to climb until I reach my goal! I see that you've already lost weight which is major!Congrats!Just keep on keeping on......tomorrow is a new day!
10-14-2005, 07:27 PM
Hi emndarmic.....OMG....girl....you JUST HAD A BABY!!! Dry up those tears and go a little easy on yourself!!! You have done so well since the birth of your baby, and as you say.....it was an innocent comment from your daughter BUT that certainly wouldn't hold me back from having lunch with her. I do think you need to give her something to practice saying, if any of her friends give her a hard time though....sort of like a mini role playing. Nothing wrong in giving her positive role modeling, and besides....she'll be the lucky one who's Mom comes and the other little friends mom's don't!!! I go about 1x a week to have lunch with my son, and hardly any other moms go. Hold your head up, and even take the baby......makes a nice outing for you both to look forward too!!!
10-15-2005, 10:15 AM
As the fat Mommy in my kids classes...well I just decided..i would be the FUN mommy. So i volunteered for recces and just played wiht them. yeah once inawhile I get the comments...but NO other mommy is out there playing kick ball and soccer and doing goofy stuff. They are are too scared to get their hair wet.
But I really am very much in awe..that you took inot consideration your girl's feelings...it is so tough being teased...but now..you will be on this diet and you will lose..but never ever be ashamed of who you are. I would rather be fat and mean anyday. Compassion has no weight limit.
Bless you anbd much luck!
10-15-2005, 10:16 AM
oops be fat than mean..my typos..jeez..lol
10-15-2005, 08:02 PM
Wow, is this something I can relate to. My son was 8 years old when I found out he had been telling all of his friends that I was his nanny not his mom. I was a dayhome provider and one of the kids I looked after asked me if I could ask Bob's mom if he could go and play at his house. When I said I am Bob's mom he said no your not your his nanny. I was crushed and cried about it for a few days. My son is now 19 and has told me that he just couldn't take all the teasing and the names the other kids called me so he just said I was his nanny. That was 11 years ago now and I still haven't got the weight off. But I am ready to do it now and I will be able to play with my grandkids in the future.
Two things I hold on to now are "Live Strong" and "No Excuses" everytime I think about wanting something extra to eat I focus on those two mottos and it really helps.
I won't say whether you should eat at school with your daughter, that is a difficult decision you have to make alone. But I will stand by you pound by pound and cheer you on and hold your hand and listen when you need to vent.
I know we all can succeed and we will when the time is right for us. My time is now and I will cheer for everyone else who is trying each and every day.
10-16-2005, 01:54 PM
Great advice..am sorry you went through that....bless you still got thoruhg and from your words are stronger than ever!
10-18-2005, 10:41 PM
I work at my daughter's school, she's 8, supervising the kids during lunch and recess. I also am the PTA room parent for her class. I have never experienced anything negative as far as comments from the kids or my daughter. They have grown to know me and respect me as a mom and I honestly don't think they pay attention to my weight.
While I completely understand your hesitation to go to lunch with your daughter I agree with the majority on this one, you really should do it. I think once you did and once your daughter could see that there really wouldn't be focus on that you could go forward and enjoy many lunches together in the future. Kid's are honest, yes, but I also think at this age kids are more likely to be considerate of other's feelings. You daughter is more honest with you than kids that don't know you would be since she knows your love for her is unconditional no matter what she says to you.
I hope you are able to work this out so you can enjoy the time with your daughter. Show her that spending time together is much more important than the opinions of others, or worrying about what other's opinions may be for that matter.