100 lb. Club - (LONG POST) Lacking Patience, Having Doubts, Bad Dream and Why Being Fat Sucks!




SnShn13
09-22-2005, 10:00 AM
I decided to delete my post because I'm embarrassed and feel like people think mean things about me now. To the few people who did respond thanks. Goodbye...


Star
09-22-2005, 10:25 AM
Sarah - I feel your pain. I too use to have the habit of eating at night and sometimes even getting up from sleep in the middle of the night and eating. What I found out that it is just a bad habit. You need to trade your bab habits for a good habit. Try and keep yourself busy after the kids go to bed. Read, draw, pick up a new hobby.
Also, don't look at losing all your weight at once. Break it down into mini goals, lkie 5 pound goals, becuz that is more how we gain and it comes off a pound at a time. By looking at the big picture you are overwhelming yourself.
About you list of 'Why it Sucks Being Fat' How about making a list of 'Why is't Awesome to Get Fit and Healty'
Think positive - your young - you can do this!

Jen415
09-22-2005, 10:43 AM
Sarah:

Several things jumped out at me while reading your post, but the main one (and the one that concerns me the most) is that it is evident that you HATE YOUR BODY.

I'm not sure how old you are, but my guess is that you are way younger than me. Let me share something with you that took me 40 years to learn: This is the ONLY body I am ever going to have on this earth. Am I going to wait until my magical number (goal weight) pops up before I start loving my body? I decided to start loving it NOW, at 300+pounds. Because I love my body, I am now doing the right things for it--feeding it properly and making it stronger.

Think of all the things your body ALREADY does for you: it gets you where you need to go, and it houses all your internal organs you need to...well....LIVE.

We love our kids, mates, pets, etc. Love is the motivation we have to take care of things and treat them with kindness. Our bodies should be no different. We should love our bodies AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. We are only guaranteed today--THIS MOMENT. Why fill our time with hate and self-loathing?

LIFE IS SHORT--LIVE IT WELL.


JuliaTN
09-22-2005, 10:44 AM
1. If you are being honest with yourself and know that you are eating the right things in the right amounts while getting in a good bit of exercise...then don't beat yourself up over the number on the scale. There are lots of reasons why it could be moving up and it could just as easily move back down next week. Start taking measurements but only do it every 6 weeks or so & it might make you much happier.

2. DON'T GIVE UP just because it's going to take a long time (and yes, I know, easier said than done). Even if it takes 10 years, that means 10 years from now you'll be happier & healthier. If you give up, 10 years from now you'll be in the same situation -or worse- than you are now. Think about that every time you want to quit.

mousie
09-22-2005, 10:51 AM
Hey Sarah, I'm right about where you are--I'm 5'9 and 289 on the scale this morning.

I've gone through that whole rush of anger at myself, too. How did I let this happen to me? Where was my brain?? And then there's the whole "but I'm not eating the bad stuff" plaintive wail. I too am good about what I put in my body, and I'm frustrated beyond belief that "the answers" aren't working for me. Haven't been working for me.

In the last two months (since I started) I've lost 5 pounds. Ugh. Soooo....sloooow....but at least I'm not gaining, right? I've decided to take it 4 weeks at a time (tomorrow is "evaluation day") and keep good notes, and really look at what seems to be working/not working. I make a plan for the month--last month it was "35 Points [I'm on Weight Watchers] a day, protein with every meal, 5 meals a day"--and then I look back and evaluate how I'm feeling and what seems to be working/not working.

The other thing I do is try to "stay in today". I try not to look forward, not any further than the eval-day. I try not to do the "if I'm losing at this rate, how old will I be when I get to my goal finally?" thing. I try to make good decisions, today, and just let it be what it is.

I've got myself convinced that I just have to keep going. After all, time's going to pass anyway. Even if I do lose at a snail's pace, would I rather be 1 year from here and 30 pounds lighter, or 1 year from here and at the same weight I am now?

Star
09-22-2005, 10:56 AM
mousie - That is a really good plan and advice! It's the same deal when you get 15 pounds away from goal - you just can't give up. The only way to get there is stick to doing the right stuff, no matter what.

RealCdn
09-22-2005, 11:12 AM
Sarah - monthly fluctuations may be part of you being up. However, I wanted to ask if you're tracking what you eat. I use Fitday on my computer at home, but there is a free web version. I ask because I eat (generally) only fruits, vegetables and lean protein yet I can easily eat more than my target calories (1400-1600 at the moment). It could be that even though you're eating healthier you are still consuming too many calories.

I've had a couple of people at work ask me where they can start and I always give the same advice - write down everything you eat for at least two weeks. And don't not eat something that you would normally eat because you are suddenly writing things down. Write time of day, portion size, etc. A cheap food scale is a good idea - you would be surprised sometimes how much that 'little bunch of grapes weigh'. I used it as well at the beginning to gage if the oranges I bought were really 'medium' or large.

Tracking your intake for a while will give you an idea of how your calories are divided. For example when I started my breakfasts were about 10% of my calorie intake, lunches 20%, dinner 40% and afternoon snack.... 30%.

Now I do about 20% at breakfast (and morning snack), 30% at lunch and the other 50% will cover my afternoon and/or evening snack and my dinner. Taking in more calories earlier in the day (and more protein) stops me from the 'bad eating' when I got home from work.

Anne


Anne

lucky
09-22-2005, 11:17 AM
Star is right. It will help to make a list of all the benefits of eventually being fit instead of focusing on what sucks right now. Instead of thinking, "fat looks ugly" think, "fit looks and feels great."

Seriously, consider how you would approach the subject if you were talking to anyone but yourself. Would tell a friend that she needed to lose weight because her fat looked ugly? Would you encourage her by pointing out that her clothes look bad on her? Would you suggest that she were less of a person because she'd gained weight or that she's not going to be respected unless she loses weight? Of course not. You might make those points to her but it would most certainly be in a more positive manner. In these situations you have to treat yourself like you are your own best friend.

There is something else that I found helpful in the very beginning. I can't explain how I did it and I am sure the approach would vary from person to person. But, when I would begin feeling the way you do I would detach myself completely from losing weight. I had to find ways to feel like I was just living a normal life instead of living a life that focused every second of every day on becoming a thinner, healthier person. I tended to overthink the entire process. Yes, I might have some issues with emotional eating, I might have self-esteem issues that get in the way of success. It can all get very complicated especially when you factor in all of the information being thrown at us from all directions. It is overwhelming to say the least and on top of all that we worry about the scale moving (OR NOT) too. So, while it is important to face those realities and do our best to resolve them, sometimes we just have to shut them out and do what we know we have to in order to succeed - eat less and move more.

It may not work for everyone but it does wonders for me to occasionally take a mental break from EXPECTING to lose weight. The fact of the matter is that if I do what I am supposed to do I AM going to lose all of my extra weight and wearing myself out thinking about it constantly isn't going to make it happen any faster. Losing weight is my main focus right now but I can't let it consume my entire life or I'll not only be fat but crazy too.

Jillegal
09-22-2005, 11:18 AM
I didn't have a chance to read your post before you deleted it, Sarah, so I can't respond other than to say everyone here has suffered the ill effects (physical, emotional and mental) of being obese and we derive comfort from sharing with people who truly know what its all about. There's no embarrassment or shame here, only support and understanding. Nobody's going to think "mean things" about you because of any weight-related issues. :grouphug:

Star
09-22-2005, 11:25 AM
Sarah - I don't have any mean thoughts about you, only concern and support...

barbygirl43
09-22-2005, 11:41 AM
I didn't get to see it either but just from reading the responses, I ditto Jill. We are all here for you to support you in your efforts and that includes the good and the bad.

Jen415
09-22-2005, 12:03 PM
I definitely don't have mean thoughts about you either, Sarah....I'm glad you posted it. You posted exactly what you were thinking and feeling. FEELINGS ARE NEITHER RIGHT NOR WRONG--they just are!!

To me, what you wrote was a cry for help. I hope you will continue to post your feelings here, or start a journal or a blog. But whatever you do, don't stop posting here or reading here.

dragonwoman64
09-22-2005, 12:39 PM
I have to tell you I saw your subject line and thought "I know I can relate to this!"

I echo what mousie says. A couple of things I'll add:

Try and keep your sense of humor.

Few things worth having in this life are easy.

It gets easier (no, for some strange reason this doesn't contradict the above!)

Take it easy.

lucky
09-22-2005, 12:46 PM
Sarah, I did read your post before you decided to delete it. Even if you aren't comfortable "putting it all out there" I want to assure you that the feelings you expressed are ones I've felt a thousand times and that I've seen expressed often by others on the board. This is the least judgemental group of people I've ever exchanged ideas with and, should you choose to make personal posts in the future you needn't worry that anyone here will think poorly of you. I think it is safe to say that we all have each other's best interests at heart.

SnShn13
09-22-2005, 01:01 PM
Well, everyone here is super nice. Thanks for being supportive. I just feel like a complete wreck and it's not only my weight. I think I just blame that for EVERYTHING when really I'm just such a negative person anymore. I hate it but I don't REALLY know how to fix it. I "know" that I have it good and my life could completely awesome as long as I have a positive outlook and stop acting like everything is terrible when it isn't at all. I have a very lucky life and a good one. I'm just having a really hard time actually knowing these things all of the time. I just feel lost, like I don't know myself anymore... I guess it's all part of growing up and learning how to stop having such a low self esteem/no confidence. Usually I'm fine, today is just a bad day for some unknown reason. Thanks again for listening. And, I apologize if I came across as some kind of negative psychopath.

lessofsarahtolove
09-22-2005, 01:19 PM
Sarah, (Hey, what a beautiful name! :p )

I didn't read your first post, but I wanted to say that no matter what you're feeling, we're here for you and wouldn't judge you for anything to do with weight -- man, we've all either been there, are there right now, or will be back in some kind of dark place at some other point in our lives. I do have to say that I thought that jawsmom's input was AWESOME!!! :yes:

You know what else? I don't need to have read that first post to know that you didn't sound like a negative psychopath!! :lol: Fat is some very scary juju, and we all get rattled from time to time. You'll regain your equilibrium before you know it. :grouphug: One of the things that I found helped me stay focused and positive last year losing 80 pounds in 8 months was to give myself achievable goals which were health-related but not scale-related -- like eating 100% on plan for 14 days straight, or getting in 40 grams of fiber every day for 7 days, or doing HIIT biking for 20 minutes/day for 14 days straight. That kind of thing. It built my self-confidence and took my attention away from anything negative or loaded, while helping me move closer to my goal. As my fitness and healthy lifestyle habits improved, I modified my goals. I really believe this was key to my maintaining a positive outlook throughout the process -- and it sustained me during the plateau weeks.

Big hugs for you, Sarahgirl. You're going to be just fine -- just don't give up and give yourself a break!!! :grouphug:

boiaby
09-22-2005, 02:10 PM
Sarah, I didn't get to see your post either, and I hate that you felt like you couldn't leave it for us to support you with. I agree with everyone else, this is a safe place to air your true feelings, and I hope you'll never feel ashamed to do so. We are here to support each other through thick and thin (pun intended!). So please don't ever feel like you can't open up about something, because chances are, most of us have been there and have felt the exact same way. That's why this forum works so well, we can relate to each other and help each other through our own experiences. Good luck sweetie, I know you’re going through a rough time, but you CAN do this!

Beverly

Sheila53
09-22-2005, 02:20 PM
Oh, Princess Sarah (trying to distinguish you from the other Sarah--what do you think? :) ), I'm sorry you're feeling so low. But if you consider yourself a negative psychopath, well, I think then we've all been negative psychopaths at one time or another. You certainly aren't alone!

Please never feel embarassed to discuss what you're feeling. What you'll find here is support and caring from people who are struggling with many, if not all, of the same issues and can empathize, enlighten, and, best of all, inspire you.

ChocLabLover
09-22-2005, 03:27 PM
Princess Sarah :queen: (I like the name Sheila), I too did not get the chance to read your post. From what I can infer from what everyone has written, you were having an uber :devil: nasty day. Please do not feel that you can not post what you are thinking or feeling at anytime. Please remember that we all have days like that, and the need to have a verbal spew (forgive the slang) can happen to any one of us. There are days when I question what I am doing and get pretty negative. That is what this forum is for, to reach to others, get their support, and then, in your turn support others.

mezmerize
09-22-2005, 03:55 PM
Sarah I don't know anyone that hasn't been negative! Please don't beat yourself up alot of what you have said has hit home with us all. ( I didn't get to read your post) Just know your not alone and keep the fight up! You'll get there and when you do hold your hand out to others for I'm sure you'll find someone that is feeling what you do right now.

SnShn13
09-22-2005, 04:32 PM
I just want to thank everyone again for being so awesome today. It has been a terrible day as far as I really just don't feel like ME. I woke up and felt weird the ENTIRE day. I guess the reason I became embarrassed is because I don't REALLY hate myself or my body and I felt like a jackarse for giving off that impression. Yes, I am very frustrated about what I look like right now. I do hold back on some things in my life because of my weight. I know that my bod is my "earth vehicle" and I have to maintain it and I didn't for years. I know it'll take time to repair the damage I caused for the past ten years... I am ONLY 23 so I have plenty of time to fix things, ya know?

I guess it just kind of was a smack in the face for me to read people saying I'm being negative because it made me realize I am entirely TOO negative all the time. I spend more time complaining and obsessing about MY feelings and thinking that no one REALLY likes me to even consider how other people are feeling. Blah to me. As an example, I feel like people probably think I am a huge snob or a loser... I really like that Princess Sarah thing but I feel like since I do, I must be a snob and I am really not! (I really like that smiley though. Maybe I'll use it as my every 5 pounds lost thingy!) BTW, Sarah means Princess that's why I have that on my avater thingy ... I worry too much about people liking me... BLAH! My nickname since forever is Sunshine. I don't really feel like I'm living up to it!

Anyway, I am completely rambling and I feel a little bit bad about being SO off topic right now. Thank you to everyone again. I really heart you guys!

Star
09-22-2005, 04:39 PM
Princess Sarah :sunny: YOU are sounding more positive with each post - keep it going ;)

boiaby
09-22-2005, 05:18 PM
Oh Sarah, I totally know how you feel! I am OBSESSIVE about what others must think of me! And I constantly second guess myself because of it. You are NOT a snob just because you like the nickname Sheila gave you! I know you already know this, but I'm gonna say it anyway, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself! You are worth your own self-respect and that of others, and I hope you never forget that. Anyway, I hope you're feeling better, hang in there!

Beverly

Jen
09-22-2005, 06:39 PM
We all have those days where things are a bit crazy and it's impossible to cope with. Doesn't mean you are a psychopath, it means that you are totally normal.

I do want to disagree with one statement you made about only being 23 and having lots of time to work on losing weight. I'm sure I thought the same thing when I was 23 and now at 37 I am even further away from attaining the health and weight goals I would like to achieve. I'm not being critical, more like don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. The wonderful thing about being in your 20's and even early 30's is that the extra weight does not always have health risks but believe me the closer I get to 40 the more it is starting to affect my physically. I can't do things I used to be able to do when I was younger and I'm only gaining more as time goes on. I don't mean to bring you down or sound preachy or like I"m giving you a lecture, just want you to learn from the mistakes I made thinking I had lots of time to lose weight.

Jen415
09-23-2005, 08:39 AM
I have to echo Jen here....I kept saying "I'm young enough and have plenty of time"...now here I am, age 40 and 310 lbs. Granted, I was 38 and 340 at one time, so I have improved things, but I know that with each passing year, it will be harder and harder.

So, my dear Princess, TODAY is the day for you! You can do it!

SnShn13
09-23-2005, 08:40 AM
Jen,

Believe me when I say, I am most definately not going to put off losing weight. I really, really want to be a fit bride and mother one day! I guess what I meant was I'm only 23 and I set my goal to be for my 25th birthday and I need to realize even if I don't make it by then, I hopefully have a lot of time to reach my goal. I don't need to rush myself. I HAVE to do this and even though I am having a hard time really believing I can, I don't have any other options than to lose the weight. I don't like having it so it has to go!

Thanks again everyone for being so rockin' awesome. I am feeling better today but still kind of perplexed as to why I weighed in 7 pounds more than ten days ago today. I think I am going to have to 100% put the scale away and only take it out once a month! I have to remember, it's a life change NOT a quick fix. Thanks again guys!

irishgreengables
09-23-2005, 09:20 AM
I'm just reading this thread and wanted to say that I can't imagine anyone here judging your words. We have all been there or are there now and we know that there are days when it can all be too much -- and days when being overweight is just one more straw breaking the proverbial camel's back. WHY do I have to be struggling with THIS too? I have to say that I am just so impressed that, at 23, you are not only doing something about it, but are also wise enough to share your concerns with others and to ask for accountability. I gained all my weight when I was 25 (after having moved to Chile and giving up being a vegan -- gained 80 in one year and kept gaining from there) and there is no way I would have been brave and wise enough to "come out" to others about my weight problem. I was hardly honest with myself. I am amazed and touched by your willingness to share your raw emotions with us.

Jen,
but still kind of perplexed as to why I weighed in 7 pounds more than ten days ago today.

Could this be due to muscle gain? Are you exercising? Also, I find that when I begin really amping up my exercising, I put on a good deal of water weight plus muscle weight right away and then watch the fat melt away many weeks later. It is like the body has to adjust to the new, healthier me -- it needs me to prove that I'll keep it up a bit. Does that make sense? I wondr if it might help to track your weight in a daily journal for a couple of months. Write down what you eat and what you do for activities, where you are in your cycle, and any stressors or sleep deprivation going on (I also find that I put pon a little when I lack sleep). This will help you see the patterns there so that, eventually, you can say, Oh sure I just put on 2 lbs. after a clean week, but I am also one week PMS and it will all come off 1 week post.

Sandi
09-23-2005, 11:17 AM
Hello my dear. There is no way you "really" put on 7 lbs in 10 days unless you ate an excess of 24,500 calories in those 10 days. If you did, then you know the answer, if you didn't then you can rest assured that it's just your body doing it's thing. My advice - stay away from the scale for a week, drink plenty of water, follow your program and see what happens! ;)

SnShn13
09-23-2005, 11:28 AM
I decided I am going to put away my scale until October 13th. I am not weighing in anymore but once a month! I need to focus more on calories just to be sure and maybe step up my exercise. I am still on target to rejoin the gym I used to go to by the 10/13. I guess it IS still possible to reach my goal weight by my 25th birthday. My goal gym join date gives me exactly a year and a half to lose 140-ish pounds. I can DO this! If I lose 2 pounds a week starting then (and I am not like giving up between now and then so I might even have to lose less that 140-ish) I'll have 78 weeks and can make my goal. Okay, feeling a little better. I just have to stay focused!!

Jen415
09-23-2005, 12:40 PM
That's awesome Princess Sarah! Plan your work, and work your plan. Having a plan will guarantee your success!!

dragonwoman64
09-23-2005, 01:14 PM
My weight from Wednesday went down 4 lbs, now that isn't real. It's water weight, I increased my reps at the resistance machines, and that weight is going down now, I was a little (ahem) constipated. A lot of things go into weight that aren't fat.

I've felt all the things you've mentioned (I didn't get to read your first post, unfortunately, but related to the title). You may be a little depressed, and you have a right to your feelings. When I was depressed (at the same time of life as you are now), it didn't help to have my dad tell me to "suck it up."

I've learned a lot of things so far, and have lots more to learn, btw, but just wanted to share with you that part of the experience is the journey. Learning to deal with the beginning, middle and end. With the time it takes, changing the habits (mental and physical), the set backs, and the thrill of reaching goals.

Hang in there, Sarah. Go easy on yourself, girl!

barbygirl43
09-23-2005, 03:22 PM
that is great that you are feeling better and it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. If you fear your scale will get the better of you, give it to a neighbor for "safe keeping", lock it in your truck, put it somewhere where it is hard for you to have access to.

I'm doing the same thing but won't weigh in until Oct. 18 or so. My hubby got out the scale last night and left it in the middle of the bathroom floor and I told myself "Would I be okay if I gained this week" and the answer was it would probably throw me off so I avoided it. I a plan on putting it in my trunk as soon as I get home. I don't know about you but I have a scale ritual so to speak. I weigh right after that first morning bathroom trip and totally nude. If I had to walk outside to grab the scale, come back in, etc. well that's got my body going and I'm sure would make me weigh more than what I would've had I weighed right away ;)

SnShn13
09-23-2005, 04:27 PM
Dawnyal, I have the same ritual... except I've let myself get totally obsessed with the scale and numbers. I weigh in when I wake up, after the bathroom, after my morning exercise, and before I go to bed at night. I need to just work on realizing I am not a number on a scale! You'll have to let me know how your weigh in goes! I'll keep you posted.

Star
09-23-2005, 04:33 PM
Hey scaleaholics - me too, first thing in the a.m. nude. But that's it becuz anytime after that I will weigh more.....lol

wip
09-24-2005, 10:13 AM
Hey - I just posted a "poor me" type post and feel kind of crummy about it. I didn't get to read yours Sarah, but am pretty sure I relate. I can't imagine anyone having mean thoughts given all the support I have witnessed on this board. We all have bad days and it is important to be honest. Nobody can be up all the time. We are all human. Having said that, one of my first threads I felt a little beat up by the replies. I recognized though that everyone was sharing their experiences and learnings with the best of intentions. Sometimes the honest answer isn't always the one Iwant to hear. Hope your day is going well in all aspects :group hug: