So, when is the first day of your senior year? Has it already happened? I know you were worried about missing your friend who graduated last year, and I'm wondering how that's going.
Inquiring minds want to know: what are you taking this year, have you taken your SATs yet, are you on any school committees, have you decided which one of the two (or yet another) college you want to go to--I might have missed that if you mentioned it--do you guys do senior skip day and senior prank day and stuff like that, etc., etc.
Let us all live our senior year over vicariously, okay? :D
09-02-2005, 12:25 PM
Good luck with everything this year Apryl! We're all so proud of how well you have been doing! I can hardly wait to hear about your decisions for university! Keep us posted...
09-02-2005, 12:31 PM
Yes, we want to know stuff!!! :D
09-03-2005, 08:57 AM
Yeah Apryl, you're the kind of student I always longed to be, so I too, am living vicariously through you. Please give us all the chaotic details as soon as you have a few spare moments, which should be sometime in Oct./Nov.?? ;) JK! :D Update us soon, k?
09-03-2005, 11:59 AM
Hey everyone, thank you! I'm so excited that you all care because frankly, you're the only ones who have asked.
Everything that's keeping me together is falling apart. Nothing is OK here. I'm a total mess, and I feel guilty about it. I'm supposed to be HAPPY. I am a senior in high school, with straight A's, student body president, editor of the school newspaper, treasurer of national honor society, well accomplished and well respected. And yet somehow I have found a way to feel miserable. Absolutely panic-attack, up all night, stressed out mess, and it is only Day 2. I don't know how I'm going to pull off 173 more days like that. To top it all off, for some reason I completely hate all of my friends except for 1. They just aren't doing it for me anymore. And I feel bad about that.
And then my dad. Don't get me STARTED. He is never home anymore. Never home. Yes, you guessed it, girlfriend. And everytime I try to talk to him about it he just gets mad and tells me "he's 55 and can do whatever he wants, and that I have so many plans I don't even notice he's not home, and what can I expect him to do, sit at home by himself the rest of his life" And I just basically want to BLOW UP.
And then there's this guy I've had a crush on for over a year, and I just know that the feelings aren't mutual, but that doesn't mean the MY FRIENDS have to constantly FLIRT WITH HIM. I just want to send them all to an island.
And to top all of this off, I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight because it's the one thing that I want to do. But you know what, it's also the only thing I can control and unfortunately I keep choosing to punish myself.
And I am letting everyone down. I'm supposed to be on this pedestal and I just have to put on my game face, get in there, and do it. The paths I've set up for myself to take are not optional.
So, I'm sorry everyone that this wasn't the big "yahoo life is perfect" post that you were expecting, but this is the truth. I just wanted you to know that I have more on my shoulders than ever before, and I may not be around as much as I'd like, but I'm going to try very, very hard.
09-03-2005, 03:24 PM
I hardly ever post here, but you really made me think. A very smart person (my therapist, actually!)set me straight about guilt in this way:she asked "Are you intentionally trying to hurt someone with your actions, feelings, thoughts?" When I replied no, she said that the only people who should feel real guilt are those who intentionally set out to hurt others. I know it sounds kind of simplistic, but if you think about it, it makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say in my roundabout way, is that you should acknowledge the way you're feeling right now, but just don't label it "guilt"-guilt makes it seem bigger than what it is. Hope things are better soon.
09-03-2005, 03:34 PM
Oh Apryl, honey! Please don't be so hard on yourself! Nobody expects perfection, and we're still gonna love you and support you whether it looks like you're holding it together or not. I think the pressure you put on yourself and the expectation of what you think your final year should be, has just become too much. You sound overwhelmed and frazzled, and I know that you simply cannot afford to get burned out right now. So please, take a step back and re-prioritize. Then tackle each issue one at a time. You are a strong, resourceful, independent, unbelievably intelligent and mature young lady, and you are also human. Remember, the weight of the world does not have to rest solely on your shoulders. So, don't forget to ask for help when you need it, and give yourself permission to just say screw 'em to the world sometimes and just take care of you. You can do this Apryl, I know you can. Good luck sweetie, and remember you will always have a safe place to land here, no matter what.
09-03-2005, 03:48 PM
Apryl, hey, no need to apologize for the way you feel. I'm glad you feel like you can tell us what's going on. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I just want to give you lots of hugs and fix everything for you so you'll feel better. While I know I can't do that (although you've got lots of cyberhugs coming!), I will say that you need to sit your Dad down and tell him that you need him. Yes, he has a right to a life, but he's a Dad, something he signed on to 18 year ago, and he needs to balance his needs with your needs.
Every path you've chosen IS optional, and things will get done whether or not you're there to do them. You are not going to let anyone down if you choose to drop some activities, or friends, or maintain your weight instead of lose, or decide to do something totally un-Apryl-like. You need to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, then you won't be able to function at all, Apryl. You know, I remember my step-daughter saying that her senior year was supposed to be the best year of her life. At the time I thought that was putting a lot of unrealistic expectations on one year out of her entire life and a lot of pressure on herself. There's never a perfect year, just like there's never a perfect wedding. Like everything else, we need to take one day at a time and do the best we can.
Take a deep breath. Definitely talk to your Dad. And post when you can. We all love you whether or not you are the treasurer of the Honor Society or decide to grow dreadlocks and spin disks.
09-03-2005, 10:30 PM
It's hard to be the overachiever. I understand. You feel like you can't ever be the normal angsty teenager but don't kill yourself making it look like the "perfect Apryl life." You know what happens if you put your life on a pedestal? You fall off.
Ok, so here's some unsolicited advice from a overachiever with a dysfunctional family (bet you didn't know there is FUN in dysfunction!).
1. Tell your school counselor what's going on. I don't care if he's a idiot with a chip on his shoulder. This sounds silly but do it. Letting someone there know what's going on in your life is important if you need some help down the line. So take advantage of the one thing that they haven't yanked out of the school system.
2. Friends and boys. Sheesh. Why do women make it so complicated during the teenage years? Do you know that women in certain parts of Africa share husbands so they don't feel the need to compete with their friends for men? Man, I wish I lived there. Two things need to happen in this category: First, tell you friend/s that you are upset by their action. But don't do it in an accusatory mode or they'll just get defensive. Don't do it in front of people and try to do it in person. Tell them that you really dig this guy and you feel hurt when they flirt. If they're like me, they have no idea they're doing it. I flirt as easily as I breathe. Two, check yourself. You're going to be sensitive, and that's okay but make sure you're not overreacting. It's very easy to.
3. Your dad. This sucks. He sucks. I would talk to someone about this. Like a therapist. Part of me feels for the guy because he's going to be losing his stable, strong woman - his daughter. He's probably trying to fill the void defensively. The other part of me wants to say, "Um hello? Wake up?"
4. Relax. This is your senior year. You need to enjoy yourself. If that means taking a break from the extras - that's what it means. I developed a devastating and ugly rash all over my body my senior year. I was so freaked out about it because I was a swimmer. I thought that I couldn't quit because I was a senior swimmer and I'd been a swimmer since the 7th grade. But I also thought there was no way I could just a bathing suit and be part of a co-ed team. I quit. Guess what? The rash was stress related. :lol:
PS. Shelia - can I grow dreadlocks and spin disks?
09-03-2005, 11:34 PM
Schedule time w/your dad. Just like the commercial where the little girl & her dad sit down & both whip out your calendars, you guys have to do this.
Yes, he will be awfully lonely next year at this time if he doesn't have someone. However, right now, his first priority should be making sure his daughter is ok. Senior Year is tough on a lot of people. Sounds like you have Senioritis already, I had it in the 10th grade. :lol:
And from what he said about all your plans, I think he might feel a little hurt & that maybe YOU don't have time for HIM anymore. Planning a father daughter event or two would help, I think.
And yes, we are always here for you. *hugs*
09-04-2005, 03:01 AM
Oh my - you are overwhelmed! ((((HUGS))))
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I've so BTDT! It took me a long time to realize that everyone already knew I wasn't perfect (ack - what a shock that was!). No one expects you to be perfect - that would be so boring! Life is more fun without all the perfection. ;)
On the friend front, if they are not working for you anymore - try to distance yourself a bit and look around - people are always looking for more friends! You never know when your next best friend is sitting right next to you and you were too busy to notice. :D
I'm sorry about your dad - sucks when the adult is less mature than the child. :rolleyes: Find someone to talk to though - anyone, just to vent that will really listen - do you have an aunt, a trusted teacher? Besides us, I mean, we're pretty hip and cool too. :p
Hang in there - make lists if you need to - that always helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Most importantly, take care of YOU - think about how great you feel when you are eating well and exercising - make that your stress outlet.
You can do this - relax a bit and ENJOY your senior year - IMO, college is the best time of your life - but your senior year is pretty cool too. :) We are here if you need us - we have wide shoulders! :)
09-04-2005, 12:15 PM
Ok, first off (((BIG HUGS!!!))) I hope you know that we are here for you.
Dad...I know your dad has always really been there for you, so this change in him has your thrown for a loop. I think maybe some of the other ladies are right and he is a little afraid of being alone next year when you go off to college. So he has found himself a girlfriend. I know you have already spoken to him about not being home, but was it casually over breakfast or was it more defensive? Maybe write him a letter and tell him that you may be a senior, but you still need some Dad time. You need to make him understand that just because you might spend the whole night doing homework, when you take a break, you'd like someone to be home. Is this girlfriend someone you wouldn't mind being at the house? Maybe they can spend more time at your house and then you both can have what you want. No matter what, the Dad situation is one that you need to address, it's going to make you crazy if you don't.
Friends...There is no reason you have to spend time with friends who just aren't doing it for you right now. You said there is 1 who isn't getting on your nerves, just start spending more time with her/him. I know this whole friends thing is very hard for you since you and your best friend had a falling out a while back.
Stress...Ok, so you life is jam packed, but I want you to really consider making some time for some exercise. Nothing cures stress like a workout. Walking, Yoga, swimming. Any activity will do. It'll give you some time and help clear your head. I really do think it will help.
Weight Loss...I think this is really the time for baby steps. Maybe incorporate some of the exercise I mentioned above and try not to eat alot of junk. Beyond that, let it be. Sometimes you can only do so many things at one time.
Why do you feel like you are letting everyone down? Has anyone told you that? Or is it because somewhere inside you feel like you not only need to be "a senior in high school, with straight A's, student body president, editor of the school newspaper, treasurer of national honor society, well accomplished and well respected" but you also need to damn happy about it! I am here to tell you that it's ok to put Apryl first and not worry about everyone else.
You are not letting anyone down...we are all VERY proud of you!!!
09-05-2005, 01:18 AM
My dear Apryl...You do have a lot on your plate, don't you? I think you must sit yourself down and ask yourself if you're involved in so many activities because it satisfies, fulfills and makes you happy, or if you're doing it to convince yourself (and others) of your worth and accomplishments. Its one thing to overachieve because you thrive being under pressure and love having every moment filled to the max, but its another if you feel desperate to take on as much as possible just to prove that you can do it! You're intelligent and mature enough to realize your unique qualities and seem to understand that others have come to the same conclusion. If its too much to handle, keep what you truly value and drop that which you're only doing to prove a point that's already been realized. Panic attacks, misery and dreading the next 173 days are not conducive to a satisfying senior year. Unless you really think things will calm down once the routine sets in, make some changes for the sake of your sanity. Others do, why shouldn't you? You're special, that's for sure, but you're not freakin' Wonder Woman!
You shouldn't feel bad that your friends are pissing you off right now, especially if its justified. While your annoyance with them might be a passing phase, people do change (sometimes over a summer, other times over the course of the year) and you don't have to be with the same people all through highschool! When you get to college no doubt you'll have a whole new set of friends and when you start your career another set. You may stay close to your highschool friends and you may not; shifting friendships is all part of the progression. Who knows, you may find yourself associating with a whole different group during your senior year. I also remember the falling out you had with a previous friend and how it was difficult to see other close friends leave to go to college, so naturally you're feeling especially sensitive about this part of your life. Like Sandi said, spend as much time right now with the one friend you do feel close with and consider widening your circle. In any event, I hope your current friends become less annoying and stop flirting with the guy you've got your eye on (I mean, what's that all about?)
As for your dad, unless and until I have reason to do otherwise, I'm going to cut him some slack. A lot of older people look back at highschool as an enjoyable carefree time of their youth before the reality of mortgage and car payments, finding (or fearing the loss of) employment, marital/family responsibilities and obligations, etc., so it doesn't occur to them that problems could possibly exist. Others remember how stressful it was trying to make good grades, competing for university placements, coping with the often cruel highschool social system, trying to juggle school, part-time work, friends, changing theories and ideas about your life and planning your future (such big decisions!), all while going through physical and emotional changes (including hormones gone crazy)! The fact that your dad said you have so many plans you don't even notice he's not home leads me to believe that he sees a confident, mature young woman who is moving away from him and towards a life of her own. If his perception of you is as a happy senior "with straight A's, student body president, editor of the school newspaper, treasurer of national honor society, well accomplished and well respected" and you've been putting on your "game face" with him thus far, he's probably unaware that you're in need and totally perplexed as to why you're annoyed that he's spending time with his girlfriend! Having said that, if you HAVE told him you're struggling and need his help and he's rebuffing you, then yes, he's being insensitive, selfish and an irresponsible parent.
You need to REALLY make him listen and since it feels difficult to talk right now, write him one of your eloquent letters telling him what you're feeling and how you need his help. I bet he'll be surprised to know what's going on with you and will immediately give you time and attention. As for him having a girlfriend, I'm happy for him. Its not easy being a single parent and he has needs, too. Love doesn't only belong to the young. His girlfriend might not only be good for him, but may prove to be someone you can eventually turn to for support and encouragement.
About the fear of letting people down, the only person you're letting down is you by putting too many expectations on yourself. Those who care about you want only for you to be happy ~ its your life and you have to live it, nobody else!
We all set up paths for ourselves and some of us are able to follow a straight paved road, while others go off into the woods, stumble over rocks, get lost for awhile or go in a different direction entirely. You don't want to hear this, but the clear ideas you set up for yourself as a teenager may change drastically as you grow in age and experience. ****, some of my paths (academic, career, marital, motherhood) changed many times over the decades since I was a teenager. Nothing's carved in stone, my dear. Follow your heart and do what's best for YOU.
Weight loss is especially difficult to manage when you're stressed by what's going on around you. Weight loss takes desire, planning, motivation, and a clear head in addition to control. Perhaps rather than punishing yourself, you're actually feeling overwhelmed and turning to food for comfort (something most of us are very familiar with). Yes, weight-loss is something you alone control, but if you're in an "out of control" mindset because of everything else that's going on in your life it makes it rather difficult to contemplate control in one specific area of your life. Keep in mind that good, healthy food and lots of exercise does wonders to lift our mood and allow us to feel more able to cope with our world.
Please don't ever think we expect "yahoo life is perfect" posts from you. Obviously we prefer and dearly hope for posts of that nature, but ultimately we want the truth and we want you to be around as much as possible, especially when you need our collective shoulders to cry on and the comfort of a couple of hundred arms around you! :grouphug:
09-05-2005, 04:11 AM
Thank you everyone! :) I am reading and re-reading all of your posts. I think that Monday on my day off I'm going to really sit down, make some lists, prioritize, etc. Having Saturday and today off really allowed me to take a tiny step back, and now tomorrow perhaps I can make some decisions. I'll keep all of you updated. :yes: And incase I didn't say it already: thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Sheila, Kris, Mary, Sandi, Beverly, Jessica, SAPF, Laura and of course Jilly. :grouphug:
09-06-2005, 01:52 AM
It sounds like you are on top of things - you can do this!! :hugs:
09-06-2005, 02:25 PM
I'm sorry to hear that you are finding things tough right now. I remember that well from high school! You are at a point in your life where you are about to undertake some big changes (university & living on your own). I remember finding the last year of high school stressful (and exciting) while preparing and anticipating everything that is to come...
Apryl, honey....I should point out....when I said that I am proud of you...it is not because you are on the honour roll, etc, etc (which are great accomplishments that YOU should be proud of!). I am proud of you because you are a kind, empathetic, thoughtful, hard-working and smart woman. These are traits that are going to serve you well in life! But you've got to go easy on yourself! I too was (and often still am!) tough on myself...it sounds like you judge yourself much more harshly than anybody else ever will. Try to put all of the harsh things you are saying to yourself through the following filter: "Would I ever say (or even think) this to anybody else?"
Don't worry about posting..."Yahoo life is perfect posts"...nobody expects it. Life just isn't perfect! Just remember that we are here for you (just as you have been for us).
Take care of yourself lady!
09-06-2005, 10:15 PM
High school is hard -- it really is. There is so much pressure, often self-imposed, to live up to certain standards. I am so sorry that all this pressure is getting to you and that you are not feeling connected to your friends and father right now.
Oprah once wrote something along these lines: Never make yourself miserable in order ot make someone else happy. I wish I had known this in high school.
Take care of yourslef Apryl. You will be spending the rest of your life with yourself after all.
09-06-2005, 10:21 PM
Thanks everyone. :grouphug:
So, I think I've decided to 1) Take step back 2) Breathe 3) Do the things that make me happy.
I'm going to keep trying to lose weight (it's pretty much the only thing I've ever wanted to do 100% for *me*), keep my grades up, and try to take everything else one day at a time.
I'm always trying to cross bridges before I get to them!
Everything will come together one day, right? (God I hope so.) I know I can make it through all of this; I've come too far to quit on myself now.