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Old 07-28-2005, 04:30 AM   #1  
finding the thin inside
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Exclamation Extremely Interesting Angle to things....VERY LONG SORRY

Ok, so as I eat a few multi-grain wheat thins, which are officially my new potato chip I am thinking of thie Larry Elder episode I caught the other night. It was quite late at night, as I'm up late all the time. The topic was about women who had lost an excessive amount of weight. 150 to over 300 lbs. But the catch was, it wasn't all happy, how I did it, I'm a new person stuff. It was about their marriages failing because of it.

Couple A:
She lost over 200 lbs, feels great, loves herself has all this new confidence. Confidence she never had. Husband is jealous, insecure, etc, etc.
I think about that with my guy, he is that way sometimes now, what will he be like when I not only look good to him, but I look good to me and maybe a few other people? Anyways, her husband was saying how she goes out a lot more now and he doesn't like that because she never used to, and she's saying she didn't go out a lot because she didn't really like herself then. She didn't like to go out. But now she had the confidence in herself to do it. But she was also less affectionate with him. (Actually, a funny thing if you notice, all these women are now that they've lost the weight)

Couple B:
Anyways, another women, she lost like 300 lbs or something like that, and because of how big she was she had hanging skin. They hadn't had sex in like a year. And she said she actually liked herself more when she was as heavy as she was. SHE LIKED HERSELF MORE WHEN SHE WAS AS HEAVY AS SHE WAS. I was totally shocked. Her husband is saying that he loves her no matter what. He loved her then, he loves her now, forever and ever, amen. And she is saying that she loves him in the exact same way, and Larry Elder is like, so what's the problem. And it's because she just can't ACCEPT that he loves her the way she loves him. And then Larry said he would get her help for her skin. And she just started bawling, and it was really awesome.

Couple C:
Kind of similar to couple A, except, he was even trying to sabotage her weight loss success by bringing home donuts and cakes and stuff. She lost a significant amount of weight and was also very unaffectionate with her husband. Not giving him "quality time". He kept stressing the "quality time" to everyone.


Now, I am in shock because, let's be honest. In my world anyways, coming from a 21 year old 285 lb girl, who has been fat her whole life, I always hear more about the "How they did it" and "what made them change" There is little said about the dramatic changes.

I mean, to be honest I am scared to death of what life at 150 lbs will be like. I like to think I am fairly pretty now. And everyone tells me that if I lose the weight I would be a knock-out. Although they could just be being nice. I don't know what it is like to have guys check me out, or be able to wake up have a shower and put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and go outside. I can't do that right now,...in all honesty, I only did it once, and it took all the courage I had inside me. And guess what happened? Of course, I heard people say things. I had people stare. I want to know what life is like on the other side. What does it feel like to be able to paint my toenails without struggling,...to make love to my fiance without being aware of every roll and how difficult it is to do certain things. (sorry if it's too much information)

I want to know what it feels like to go into a store and go into the regular size clothes for once. I have never done that ever in my whole life. I want to know what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body. And after seeing that show, I am even more scared.
When I was a teenager, losing weight to me was more about the vanity part. I thought that if only I was thin the popular boy would like me. And as cliche as that sounds, it's true. A-midst that, I was fairly popular around my group of friends. We weren't the geeks or the preppie popular kids, but the ones that kind of talked to everyone and beat to our own drum to extreme sometimes. But I always dreamed of that popular crowd. So I made up with my insecurities of my weight by becoming the class clown. Most friends compare me to the female "chandler" (Friends) of the group. I am not friends with any of them now, but my sister tells me often to be a stand up comedian.
Then as I got older, more and more it's becoming about the health aspect. But gosh darn it I want to look in the mirror and see my hips, and the curve of my waist, and not have fat hanging on my back. Sorry to be so graphic but honestly....I took pics of my body naked without my face in them. And I was truly disgusted. Disgusted at what I have done to this body. And how all these years trying to hide and hide and hide from the abuse and alcoholism, and low self-esteem that led to very dangerous activities. Throwing away my hopes and dreams and the girls I really was, trying to hide it from the world. And you know what I did?? I just let it all go on the outside of me. And it is there for the whole world to see. Every over-weight pound on my body is a representation of some hurt in my life. And I know when people see me they know that. And that's what hurts above all else.
And after seeing that show, I am worried that when I do get to my goal, and I WILL no matter what for my life and health,but that when I look in the mirror, I will still see who I am today.
I am scared that I will never ever escape the fat person I am now.
And I am scared that I will change. And people can say, "oh if you're a good person you won't change" but my god, what I wouldn't give to walk into a club, or a restaraunt, or somewhere and know that these men think I am good looking. Or especially dress differently than I do now. I will never dress "slutty" but I will definitely try new clothes.
And my fiance has already expressed to me(he says jokingly of course) that I am going to lose all this weight and some hot guy will want me and I'll leave him. It kind of hurts because I know I wouldn't do that now, but who is to say that once I experience this other world that I have never known I might want to explore. Especially considering I am 21. I know I am more mature than most people my age, and he and I have been together for over two years now. We live together and he is 31. But you never can tell what will happen.
Anyways, sorry for rambling on, and for any of you that actually read all of this, thankyou. I know that you understand, hopefully

Last edited by RainyAfternoon; 07-28-2005 at 04:34 AM.
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Old 07-28-2005, 04:42 AM   #2  
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When I lose all the weight I want to lose I don't think I will be any different than I am now. The emotional problems we might have that have led to being overweight are not going to magically dissappear just because we've lost the weight. They may be resolved in the process but that may be because of learning to cope in better ways than eating. Yes in some ways the prospect of being a different person on the outside is frightening but I think that if people change because of losing weight than that is the way they were meant to be to begin with.
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Old 07-28-2005, 09:29 AM   #3  
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Please don't apologize for "rambling" on ~ its much better to express your thoughts, ideas and fears in the open and read other perspectives than keeping it bottled up inside.

I know Howie said in another thread that he feels like a different person, both outside AND inside, since losing so much weight and living a healthier, happier existence. He said he disliked the person he was back then and was glad to leave the old Howie behind. That gave me pause for thought, because I thought about how supportive, sensitive, kind, humorous, etc. he is and have to believe the "old" Howie was the same way. After all, Kimberley fell in love with the old Howie, so he had to be a worthwhile human being, right?

In my case, I wasn't obese until my 40s, and while I disliked what I felt I'd become (an unhealthy, unattractive middle-aged woman) I didn't feel like I had become a different person inside when I gained weight. Having lost much of it again, I still feel like the same old Jilly, except I eat better now, wear smaller clothes and can walk up flights of stairs without collapsing. Yes, my confidence increased, but it also did when I was obese and something positive happened (like being the oldest in my university class to get an A).

I smoked for over 30 years and thought of myself as a "smoker". When I finally quit (almost five years ago) it did feel strange to think of myself as a non-smoker. It was strange not to stand outside freezing office buildings having a smoke or searching out "smoking areas" with others. We were a special breed who socialized together for those few minutes while we shared nictotine. Yes, I didn't particularly like the fact that I smelled like an ashtray and woke up coughing each morning, but accepted that's what I was; a smoker. I imagine its much the same for people who have been overweight all their lives. When you discover you don't have to accept yourself that way and really CAN change, it may change your perception of yourself, but you just adapt to that new persona and change WHAT you are without changing WHO you are.

I've been attending Weight Watchers meetings now for three years and there's been quite a few weight-loss success stories. A couple of women who lost vast amounts of weight did leave their husbands, but they had been unsatisfied in their marriages prior to losing weight and had only stayed because they felt powerless to change their situation. Once they learned how to change their lifestyle with regard to their health, they realized they could make changes in their personal lives as well. Those who were in happy marriages/relationships to begin with reported renewed vigor in that regard.

While I don't think losing a tremendous amount of weight changes the person you are (in other words, if you're a kind, loving person I don't think weight-loss will make you a self-centred, uncaring being), I do believe it can change how you may respond to certain situations. A formerly repressed and insecure person may become more forthcoming and confident. Someone who previously found it difficult to take pride in herself may find it easier when presenting a thinner, healthier exterior. When it comes right down to it though, people are different and their situations and responses are different. I've seen formerly dowdy overweight people who cared little about their hair, dress, accessories, etc. lose weight and become perfectly coiffed fashion plates. Then again, I've seen overweight, yet perfectly coiffed fashion plates who've lost weight and feel they don't have to "work it" any longer. We're all different.

I remember one Weight Watchers meeting when we were discussing what it would take to make us "happy". One women said she felt her life was great except for her weight and that she'd be perfectly happy if she was thin. I wondered how many others felt that way and then I wondered what would happen if they lost the weight and found they weren't "perfectly happy". How disappointing and soul destroying would that be? It was a sobering thought. As we discussed it, a few admitted they may subconsciously stay overweight in the fear of not finding true happiness as thin people. Its a lot of pressure to put on yourself to expect instant happiness to come from weight-loss and probably dangerous to put that kind of expectation on your efforts. Yes, expect to be healthier and happier, but don't expect weight-loss to resolve pre-existing issues and create a perfect life.

As for the hanging skin problem, yes, it IS disappointing to work so hard towards a goal and not have everything EXACTLY the way we want it. In fact, it seems rather unfair. However, how many can truthfully say they have everything in life exactly the way they want it? There's trade-offs in life and I'll take the loose skin over that skin being filled with fat any day.
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Old 07-28-2005, 09:31 AM   #4  
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I wonder will I always feel fat? I remember when I was 150lbs at my wedding I felt fat. I remember feeling fat when I was 130lbs in high school. Now I yearn for 150lbs. Funny, how perspectives change but the emotions tied into our psychs don't. As much as I want to wear "regular" clothes and be a "regular" size, I'm terrified that it won't feel "regular".
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Old 07-28-2005, 12:06 PM   #5  
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I think it's great that you are able to verbalize the way you are feeling. I think that is a fear most of us have is will we be happy when the weight is gone. I'm sure the maintainers (and we have a few who post over here) would be able to better answer that question.
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Old 07-28-2005, 01:51 PM   #6  
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RainyGurl thanks for posting. I like the rambling it gave me alot to think about. I'm doing some soul searching.
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Old 07-28-2005, 02:45 PM   #7  
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Raingurl, I enjoyed your rambling immensely. It is scary and comforting in a way, of how identical my thoughts and feelings are on the subject. I have been on both sides on the cycle (fat, thin, fat, thin) with the fat getter fatter everytime in the cycle. I sometimes wonder if I did sabotage myself because I can not tell you how often my mantra was "If only I was thin then...." and maybe was afraid what happen when I was thin. But I do think your inner person, the person who you really are is the same fat or thin. I think what happens is that the outside perceptions change, and people find a hard time accepting the thin person, when they have only known the fat person. I remember a comment my own mother had made when I had lost over 90 lbs and was just about 10 lbs away from goal (my goal was a reasonable weight). She said I looked too thin. She was not used to seeing different from what I was.
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Old 07-28-2005, 03:44 PM   #8  
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I'll reply with a very short quote from Marie Curie (Physics Nobel price)

Nothing in life is to be feared, it should be understood

My interpretation of this quote is that, you probably never knew what it feels to be thin (just as me by the way)......

i think fear is a normal reaction. With time, and learning to discover the new "you", it will disseapear.....
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Old 07-28-2005, 03:50 PM   #9  
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Rainygirl - I think you are a very untersting and insightful person. It has been well documented that when one partner makes an unusual or seemingly drastic change in behavior it will often affect the people in their intimacy circle - even family members. We see a person we respectd and love do something so radical, it often makes us introspective and we seek to see if we to change in any way. Change in scarey and uncomfortable. We tend to use all kids of different thermometers to gauge how to respond. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

Thanks for such an intersting and important post

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Old 07-28-2005, 05:03 PM   #10  
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Thank you for posting this!

That program you watched sounds so amazing! I wish I would have seen it!

I think it's great that you are able to verbalize your feelings so well! I am currently 230 pounds, and I weighed 130 up until I graduated from high school, so I've been at 130, but I'm terrified of what it will be now! I know I love my husband and he loves me, but I do worry sometimes that he may get jealous! (I'm not sure why I have this fear) and so it really makes me feel better to know that others have felt that way!
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Old 07-28-2005, 05:27 PM   #11  
finding the thin inside
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Thanks so much for replying, I woke up and first thing came to the fatchicks forum. It's actually my homepage haha. But you all honestly have put tears in my eyes. It is always so amazingly refreshing to find out that not only one, but many people whom you've never met that live accross the world can and do feel the same way as you do. It's great not to be alone.
I told my fiance that I am and I'd also like him to just think of this whole thing as a very long extreme makeover process. And I have this image of how I'd like to look. I have these fantasies I guess you could call them when I lay in trying to fall asleep. And I imagine the things I am going to do when I am healthy. And I say healthy, not thin or skinny....because well, Just because someone is skinny doesn't mean they are healthy. I am scared...of finding out what person is really underneath all of this excess baggage. I guess in a way that's exciting too. Like in earlier weight loss attepts when I felt my collar bone sticking out and I was like, holy cow, I have a collar bone!!!! LOL Anyways,....I appreciate all of your replies. =) thankyou.
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Old 07-28-2005, 05:39 PM   #12  
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You've made so many valid points of concern here RainyAfternoon, and I think it's very insightful of you to have realized them now, rather than being surprised and caught off guard by them after the weight has come off (like I did ) If you've never lived life as a normal sized person then how could you possibly know what it will be like for you, right? True, you might change; in fact it's pretty darn likely as you allow yourself to develop into the person you've always wanted or thought yourself to be on the inside. But the bottom line is, just like the weight you've chosen to lose; the person you become is completely up to you as well. The choice is yours, it always has been, you just may feel freer to express your choices now that you're shedding the layers of fat you've been hiding beneath. This is scary, to say the least, and you will probably encounter some pretty disturbing emotions that you may not even be considering at this point. But, truth be told, (and this is unbelievably hard for me to say) change is good. We can't let fear of the unknown prevent us from living the life we should, otherwise, what's the point, right?

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Old 07-28-2005, 07:07 PM   #13  
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Hi Rainyafternoon.

I related to your post on many levels- I am also 21, and have been overweight or obese for much of my life. When I was about 15, I succesfully dieted down to juniors sizes, and still, I looked in the mirror and saw the same person. It might have been the whole teenage, high school mentality, but I really didn't feel differently. And the thing is, now I WANT to. I know losing weight won't change who I am as a person- but I also know that if I were more outgoing, assertive, and confident, I would be a much happier and more active person. That's how I like to think of it.

It also sounds like maybe somewhere you're having doubts about your relationship. I don't want to put words in your mouth at all though. People mature differently- like you, I feel that I'm more mature than the average 21-year-old- but in terms of relationships, I can't imagine myself settling down anytime soon. It's a personal preference, really. I know that in the past I've been in relationships and not really considered others because I thought my weight produced some kind of stamp across my forehead that read "undatable." AsI've gotten older older and realized that this isn't true, that there are all kinds of people out there for everyone-friends and otherwise- it's just caused me to look at meeting people differently. If you are happy in your relationship and you think it's what you want it to be, I don't think losing weight will jeopordize your feelings.

Honestly, I think the question "How will I feel when I'm 100 pounds lighter" is like saying "How will I feel in ten years?" You might have some idea but you never really know.

sorry for babbling. Hope to see you post more. You gave us all a lot to think about.
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Old 07-30-2005, 10:53 AM   #14  
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What a great post - so insightful!

My husband has said in the past that if I lose weight, I'll leave him. It's scarey because I have a TERRIFIC marriage but I still remember him saying that (it was several years ago) and it makes me wonder, "Am I *capable* of doing something like that?!" "Am I that kind of person?" ya know what I mean?

I have a lot of demons to conquer along with the extra weight...so I can see where you are coming from. It's great that you are so introspective to start with.
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Old 07-30-2005, 11:57 AM   #15  
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I know that this happens to a lot of women. IMO, it's just a reflection of what was already inside of them; they just didn't have enough self-esteem to do anything about it, whether that be leaving an unhappy marriage or selfishly abandoning their marriage to look for greener pastures. At any rate, I believe if you already have a good marriage, then you will still have a good one. DH & I have been through all sorts of issues already and we came through just fine. We've always adjusted through it together so we'll adjust through this together.

Even so, I understand the feelings. DH has lost a lot more weight that I have & I have to admit that I've been a little insecure. But he's been putting up with men hitting on me for years so I guess it's only fair.
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