LA Weight Loss - Funny Stuff..........

THIS IS TOO SAD!!

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesturday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. A dozen celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemina delivered the eulogy and lovingly and described Doughboy as
a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show
business, but later in life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie. A little flaky at times, he
was
a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and
Jane Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

hilarious :lol:

:lol:

Now I'm hungry for crescent rolls. Is that bad or what?!? :lol:

Fiona

Gosh don't you just love those little flakey things.....yum

George Carlin is still making those keen observations ...

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a
cow.


CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least.....

MARTHA STEWART. .

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant and Osama Bin Laden too are still walking around; but they
take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and haul her butt off to jail

:lol3:

Without getting into any politicalness, I almost spit out my H20 cocktail all over my desk when I got to "...and we aren't using it anymore." :rofl:

Fiona

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

lol....lol....lol

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, "YES! YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. :lol:

Fiona - :rofl:

Fiona - :rofl:


DITTO !!!!


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Afew of my helmet stickers:

"Eat Right, Exercise, DIE anyway"

"When I grow up I want to be just like Barbie. That little B_tch has everything"

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.

Dear Tide Company

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that
I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started
becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out
using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick
trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty
bag people.

I don't know if that's really that funny or I'm just that tired, but I am ROFLMAO! :lol3: :rofl: :lol: :lol3:

Star, that was funny....

:lol3: :rofl:

I'm catching up to this late - but the one with the tide reminds me of the Alfred Hitchcock TV episode, where a woman kills her abusive husband (I think by mistake) with a frozen leg of lamb. Then she cooks it. And invites the detectives to dinner. . .

For all my 3FC sistas...I love you guys! :^:

Subject: FRIENDSHIP
>
>
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound sweet and soft and sissy, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to a true friendship:
>
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you sad. :cheers:
>
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. :(

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got "lucky". :love:
>
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. :devil:
>
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit your stinkin whining. :tape:
>
6. When you are confused - I will use little words. :blah:
>
7. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again! I don't want whatever you have. :barf:
>
8. When you fall - I will point at you and laugh at your clumsy @$$. :rofl:
>
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.
Why -- You may ask?
Because -- you are my friend.

:grouphug:
>
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four.
>
>Remember:
>A good friend will help you move.
>A really good friend will help you move a body.
>Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

:lol3: :rofl: :cheers: Fiona - Now that's my kind of friend.
Have seen that before but always funny again!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she s a far better lover than you are."

Again, the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

A married couple are driving down the interstate the morning after a particularly bad argument. They are still angry at each other, so they ride along in silence.

They pass a farm and see the livestock, mostly pigs :ink: and cows :moo:, grazing out in the pasture.

The husband says, "Honey look - there's some of your family!"

The wife replies, "Yep...My inlaws." :s:

These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest.


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank,

proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."

The other says "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins!

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town

thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but

they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to

"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying

he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

.....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.

"What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked
out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout
counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how
old are you?"

"Eight, the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used
for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't
for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one."

Arty wanted to become a hit man, and he didn't know how to break into the business, so he figured he would pass the word that he would do his first hit for one dollar.

Well, Bill decides that Arty's offer is the best way to deal with his mother-in-law.
He tells Arty to meet him in the grocery store where she shops at the same time every day and he will point her out. So Arty goes to the store at the agreed upon time and meets with Bill. Bill tells him that she is on isle 7 and wearing a brown coat.

Arty goes to isle 7, sees the woman in a brown coat, and proceeds to strangle her. Whereupon he returns to Bill to collect his dollar. Bill says "What do you mean, I just saw her in the cereal isle, she's the one with the hat on." So Arty finds the woman with the brown coat and hat and strangles her. By now Bill is becoming quite agitated, as is the rest of the store. He screams at Arty "No, No, No, not her....HER!" pointing to his mother-in-law.

Well, Arty feels a job is not done until it is done right, so he grabs Bill's mother-in-law and strangles her. Of course, by now the police have arrived, and both Bill and Arty are carted off to jail, and the next day the headline in the paper was...



Arty Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Jenson's Market

Subject: Honey flavored candy


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red............Cherry" "Yellow........Lemon" "Green.........Lime" "Orange.......Orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavored lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! They're "*******s!!"

Thought of the day...

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.

A baby asked God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to
earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so
small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for
you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God
said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you.
And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able
to understand when people talk to me if I don't know
the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the
most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with
much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will
teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even
if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will
not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to
you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even
though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from
Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to
leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

"You will simply call her, "Mom."

Star, you're sneaky...putting something that weepy in the "funny stuff" thread. Are you trying to make me cry?

Mary - Actually I was hoping you would come over here, becuz I knew it would getya!
Had you in mind when I posted it....lol

Subject: The Wedding



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

! Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis ?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

BEST DRINKING STORY EVER TOLD

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood
bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there ! for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patron left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Star, this is great!

The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

joan - that is about the truth! I'm moving out of the country......I've tried everything else...lol

Some People Never Retire

One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale".

Where you moving to, Star?
here's another goodie:


Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc...

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her! sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..." "Yes?" she replied. "We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know .. How in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Francis"...

Joan - I was just kidding........it was a statement after reading your Pasta Diet Joke..
BTW, I kid around alot......lol

Star, you don't have to move - you just have to speak another language! I want to learn Italian!

Joan - Also, let me add, that Julie is my interpreter....... :rofl:
Becuz I'm :dizzy: most the time...

Stressed from work?

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulb s despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question?

What did the 0 say to the 8?

nice belt.

:lol:

What did the 0 say to the 8?

nice belt.

:?: I didn't get it...... :?:

Karen-

Don't think too hard . . . .look at the difference between a 0 and an 8. I really love the simple jokes;)

Karen -- Wait? You just lost 90 pounds, graduated from college and you don't get it? How can that be??????? Oh please trade places with me.....lol

I never claimed to be the brightest light bulb.... I guess it must be too simple because it went way over my head.... :lol:

Okay Karen - the zero is like a ball shape, the eight is like a ball shape with a belt on....get it?
Your right it's probably too simple for you....lol

:dizzy: Oh, Ok, now I get it. Thanks Star!

It was too simple for me. I thought it had something to do with the sizes 0 and 8 so I was way lost..... :dizzy:

Subject: The Nudist! (Too funny!)
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his grandmother asking him to send her a current
photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but
accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother. It says:

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...
it makes your nose look short.

Love,Gramma

:lol3: That was TOO FUNNY! :rofl:

Karen, you thought of sizes 8 and 0 because you are actually skinny enough to fit into them. Meanwhile, I got the joke right away...I don't think I've worn an 8 since...birth, maybe?

Subject: To be six again
>
> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
>
>>back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
>
>>was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd
>
>>like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the
>
>>morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
>
>>Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He
>
>>put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
>
>>the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours
>
>>later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
>
>>her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
>
>>ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then
>
>>it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
>
>>M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
>
>>husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with
>
>>a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six
>
>>again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I
>
>>meant my dress size, you idiot!
>
>>
>
>>The moral of the story:
>
>>Even when a man is listening, he is definitely gonna get it wrong
>

What Religion is Your Bra?
>> >
>> > A man walked into the ladies department of a
>> >
>> > Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
>> > said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
>> >
>> > "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
>> >
>> > "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one
>> > type?"
>> >
>> > "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed
>> > a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
>> > "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
>> >types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the
> types.
>> >
>> >The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic,
>> >the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which
> one
>> > would you prefer?"
>> >
>> >Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
>> >between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
> simple...
>> >
>> >The Catholic type supports the masses.
>> >The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
>> >
>> >The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and
>> > upright.
>> >
>> >The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
>> >
>> >Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD,
>> >
>> > E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
>> >
>> >If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
> stood
>> >for, it
>> >is about time you became informed!
>> >
>> >(A} Almost Boobs...
>> >{B} Barely there.
>> >{C} Can't Complain!
>> >(D} Dang!
>> >{DD} Double dang!
>> >{E} Enormous!
>> >{F} Fake.
>> >{G} Get a Reduction.
>> >{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
>> >

HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain..Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
__________________

I love the last line in this -- I'll stock up on the wine and chocolate. .

SUBJECT: The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere .

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork..

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Star, I LOOOOOOOOOVE that last joke. One of my all time favorites. :lol3:

Fiona

Best Out of Office Auto Replies


1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,
"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See
what you think:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.


So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis
too. That's love."


Rebecca- age 8

----------------------------------------------------------------------


"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."


Billy - age 4

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
they go out and smell each other."


Karl - age 5

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs."


Chrissy - age 6

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."


Terri - age 4


------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."


Danny - age 7

------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you
still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"


Emily - age 8


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen."


Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you
hate,"


Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)



-----------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."


Noelle - age 7



-------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."


Tommy - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all
the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.


He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."


Cindy - age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"My mommy loves me more than anybody .


You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."


Clare - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."


Elaine-age 5



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer
than Robert Redford."


Chris - age 7



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day."


Mary Ann - age 4



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and
has to go out and buy new ones."


Lauren - age 4



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you." (what an image)


Karen - age 7



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."


Mark - age 6



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget."


Jessica - age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest
he was asked to judge.


The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.


The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost his wife.


Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed
onto his lap, and just sat there.


When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,


"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

What did the German winemakers say at the end of their workday?

"Our feet are stained!" :rofl:

Okay, this one I didn't get.

Oh, NOW I get it. . .

well-then help me out-I'm clueless.

Auf Weidersehen? (spelling - my high school german is well, 25 years old)

Ah-got it! Thanks. Maybe I haven't had enough coffee this morning yet . . . .

Yeah, that one doesn't work unless you say it out loud. I didn't get it either, but now I do! :dizzy:

Fiona

There was an Asian lady married to an English
gentleman and they lived in London.The poor lady was
not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she
had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy
pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her
request,and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt
to showed her highs. The butcher got the message and
the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she
unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she
wanted.The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some
sausages.
So she took her husband to the store..............

what did she do?
(please scroll down).

.......

.......

.......

.......

.......

......

......
What were you thinking? ?
HellOOOOOOOOOOOO........................!!!!,
Her husband speaks English...
Now get back work......



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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[QUOTE=Star]
What were you thinking? ?
HellOOOOOOOOOOOO........................!!!!,
Her husband speaks English...
Now get back work......

hilarious...thanks i needed that

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..

and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

.............................

NEED AN ANSWER?

.............................

You know darned well where it went!



That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The Best Poultry Ever

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan
with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping
sounds.


When the chicken's *** blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done







LIFE IS LIKE A DOUGHNUT: YOU'RE EITHER IN THE DOUGH OR IN THE HOLE

The Rope
>

>Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
>one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
>decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were going to
>fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made
>a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
>the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
>her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting
>anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.

Metal - :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I thought you might like that one ;)

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Interesting... :write:

I had no problem reading that at all.... ;)

I always wondered why I could read my friend's letters in middle school and others struggled. She could barely spell her own name correctly. She actually dropped out of school in the 7th grade, and she was almost 18 years old at the time.....

Oh, Karen, was your friend dyslexic? that can really be so frustrating. (I'm fine with words, but occaisionally have trouble with numbers)

I don't know if anything was wrong with her. I think she didn't really care to be honest.

When she dropped out of school, it was a few weeks before her 18th birthday; and she was pregnant with a 15 year old boy's child.

She is married now with 3 children, lives in the same house that she grew up in, and works at the local movie theater. She seems to have made out ok even with her low education level.

Star, I will keep that away from my son.
It will only give him another excuse to not study for spelling :)

It made me so happy to be able to read it, becuz I am such a bad speller myself...
I say things backwards all the time....my kids have understood me when I do that from a very early age.....

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. :s: The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

:lol: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. :lol:

I got this off of the AP wire this morning. Its about
a child custody hearing case.

If you have kids, PLEASE beware...this is scary...

AP Wire: September 29, 2005

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom
drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child
custody law and regulations requiring that family
unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy
surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly
refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his
grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat
him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that do mestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose
who should have custody of him. After two recesses to
check legal references and confer with child welfare
officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
Houston Texans, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.

Sorry.... I just had to send you this? GO ASTROS!!!!!!

hilarios,

i will have to use this one day and change teams as needed :)

Sad News:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which

almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The

Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part

for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg

in... and then the trouble started.



Shut up. You know it's funny.

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Star...Absolutely hysterical!!!!!!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

thanks guys, I needed that:)

Star, thanks for the Astros plug!!! I am so frustrated because this whole thing is playing out almost exactly like last year!!! I have already developed such a visceral disgust for everyone in the cardinals organization (braves, too, for that matter) from last year, I don't think my blood pressure can take it! BTW< Erik was at the 18 inning game...glad I wasn't...that would be a mommy NIGHTMARE!

A business man was on his way home from work one night when he realized
that it was his daughter's birthday and he had not gotten her a gift
yet. Rushing to the make a stop at the toy store before going home he
walks in and tells the lady at the counter, "How much is the that Barbie
there on the window?"

In a very polite voice, the lady asks him, "Which one? We have:

Barbie at the gym for $19.95
Volleyball Barbie for $19.95
Barbie goes shopping for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Dancing Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

Surprised by her last offer, the man asks her, "Why does Divorced
Barbie cost $265.95 while the others cost $19.95??"

The lady responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's computer
and Ken's friend.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then. -- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. -- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age
9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(9) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with
that. - - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age
8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --
Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. -- Ricky, age 10

That is so special, I love the minds of children.
only if we could all still think like that :)

Cool Math Trick

1. Grab a calculator (You won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

That was pretty cool.

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million
dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful
when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to
repair". Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the
window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed,"I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us." They walked up, knocked on the door,and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem", said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." the genie said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison,"what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. They satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

>*****OLOGY
>
>
>
>When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a *****.
>
>When I stand up for those I love, they call me a *****.
>
>When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own
>way, they call me a *****.
>
>Being a ***** means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It
>means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step
>on me.
>
>When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am
>defined as a *****.
>
>The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of
>being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have
>the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and
>won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I
>"should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want
>what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
>
>So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash
>every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
>
>And if that makes me a *****, so be it. I embrace the title and am
>proud to bear it.
>
>B - Babe
>I - In
>T - Total
>C - Control of
>H - Herself
>
>B = Beautiful
>I = Intelligent
>T = Talented
>C = Charming
>H = Hell of a Woman
>
>B = Beautiful
>I = Individual
>T = That
>C = Can
>H = Handle anything
>
>Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! "If you can't
>do something right, get a woman to do it."
>
>Have a great day!!!
>
>"Work like you don't need the money.
>
>Love like you've never been hurt.
>
>Dance like nobody is watching."

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern. ..
I no longer drink Starbucks as they don't support our troops.
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
And I no longer sit down on any restaurant toilet seats because the infamous butt spider could be nesting there and send me to a certain death with one sting.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
(Jeeze, the BIBLE didn't mention it works that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will poop on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your crotch and your arms will be too short to scratch.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin and he's a lawyer.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Tina - I've seen that one before and it is still a :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Tina, I loved that

WOMEN'S *** SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their *** is too fat...

10% of women think their *** is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

:rofl: :lol3:

This pretty much says it all when it comes to deer hunters!


A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a
blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully
drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his
arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on
the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat,
bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have
ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

I would do the lol icon, but it scares me so....lol, lol, lol

shennie - that is too funny....lol - ditto - lol

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST &HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE





Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"


And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and had ****loads of money and farted whenever he wanted.





THE END

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." ..... "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure *what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and p eppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Love it, Carmen. I'm trying to control myself since I'm at work right now...but it is hysterical!

Subject: Life Explained


One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give
you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And
God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back theother forty?"
And God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the ow
gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hours a day."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love, and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relative to remind them just how amazing

Carmen - I came to this thread today and just read the chili story...at work...laughing my guts out crying trying to be inconspicous here!! Not working :lol3: too funny...!!!

Like the new one two...you sure get some good ones!! thanks for the laugh I needed it!

Beanie

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/>
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***********************************************

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Excellent, Star! I love humor like that!

star hilarious!

They reminde me of my sunday school kids, I have a little girl in my sunday school class who says the longest prayers and she tells EVERYTHING that happens in her house. She once prayed for her dad to "get some damn common sense, so he can sleep in mommy's bed again and she can watch TV on the couch." I was explaining that one to the kids forever.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

Dang funny!!

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."


With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you..
at the river J

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks
the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?

The salesperson answers, "Which one ,We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What, Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and
the others are only $19.95>
The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends."

Sign posted in store window:

"Unattended children will be given expresso and a free puppy"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde's Year in Review:
>>>>
>>>> January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>>>>
>>>> February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
>>>> labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
>>>>
>>>> March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
>>>> months.....box said "2-4 years!"
>>>>
>>>> April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
>>>>
>>>> May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into
>>>> those little packets!!!
>>>>
>>>> June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
>>>> slope.
>>>>
>>>> July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
>>>> other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>>>>
>>>> August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
>>>> because
>>> top
>>>> was down.
>>>>
>>>> September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>>>>
>>>> October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>>>>
>>>> November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
>>>> hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
>>>>
>>>> December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
>>>> button on the phone!!!
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> What a year!!

I'm SURE this one is buried in this thread somewhere, but rather than trying to direct everyone there, I'm just reposting for the benefit of all...

10 RULES FOR HOLIDAY DIETING

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa , position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

very cute Fiona!

:rofl: Fiona - I'll :cheers: to that!!!! Great holiday advice.....

:rofl: Best advice I have heard in months.

Fiona: :rofl: , I like number 7 the best! Merry Christmas! I needed that!

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for
herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about
where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

I think Star has found the perfect list.... :lol3::bravo:

For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but dammit, they need to apply to SOMEBODY.

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't particularly like them or give a ****! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky *******s". And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My God, that's terrible" or “What has the world come to?" is secretly saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!" Every one.

4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Yes? Okay, we're done. If you only have one; fine, make it into two. Problem solved. You want to improve your appearance to us; maybe you should pay a little more attention to the eyebrow below the belt if you know what I mean? Now THAT's the kind of grooming that will make us wait patiently for an hour on the couch with your obnoxious cat to see.

5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water, pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, ginger bread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet", you're such a big ******* that you'll probably capture regular sized *******s in orbit around you. You might as well ask the kid to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that type of order, dumb****.

7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "beef with broccoli." Spirituality is revealed by a dedication to ideals that transcend the gratification of the self; not by low-rise jeans. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on their butt cracks?

8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change?

10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies’ first poop party and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it’s called "Social Extortion."

11. New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. Now get out of my face!

12. New Rule: When I ask how old your kid is, Please don’t tell me in months. "Oh, He's 27 Months." Cut it out. "He’s two", will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I’m sitting here in my cubicle laughing out loud at this list. My boss and coworkers are asking me what’s so funny. Rule number 6 is so my boss. Oh if he only knew!

dawn - Let me know if he reads it and if you get fired........lol

Star - That was hilarious!!!!
Thanks for sharing:D

BTW - you look very familiar - are you sure you don't live down the street from me??

-S

sznn - pm me with where you live....

OMG that was hilarious. HILARIOUS! :lol3:

Jesus and the burglar




Jesus and the Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined

his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when

he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a

strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

saying,


"Jesus is watching you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his

flashlight out, and froze.


When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head, promised himself a vacation after the next big

score, then clicked the light on and began searching

for more valuables.


Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could

disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus

is watching you."


Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the

corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest

on a parrot.


"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.


"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just

trying to warn you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world

are you?"


"Moses," replied the bird.


"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people

would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus

Funny, funny, funny!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

:rofl:

Good one!

2006 must be the year of the bad joke. This one is especially for our over-40 crowd... Love, BKS

HARVARD TEST

This was developed as an age test by an *** department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

.
.
.
.
.
How did you do?
.
.
.
.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down; and I bet you can't resist passing it on. ;)

BKS - :tantrum: :rofl:

Okay - another one for the oldies among us: I got this list from my mom - how many do y'all remember?

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3 Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5 Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM re cords
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17 Metal ice trays with levers
18 Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21 Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25 Wash tub wringer
26. Incinerators
27. Garbage pails & the garbage man
28. Clothes lines
29. Air Conditioners for cars than mount on the window
30. Lawn Darts
31. Water Wiggle
32. Metal Tonka Toys
33. Drive ups
34. EVIL KINEVIL (jumping bike over friends laying down)
35. PONG
36. Pinball games (3 games for 25 cents, 5 balls a game)
37. Manual score keeping bowling. 50 cents a game.
38. over 100 octane gas for under a dollar
39. 10 miles a gallon
40. Real Floppy Disc
41. 8 Track Tapes
42. Skate boards/Skates with metal or clay wheels
43. what helmet?
44. 15 cent comic books
45. Milk Man
46. Full Service Stations
47. Feed and Fuel Stations

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 1-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Thanks Jule - that would make me older than dirt..........lol

Star - I'm older than dirt, too -- I remember 12cent comics! And do you remember those colored plastic inserts we had to use for the 45 records? and what RPM means!??

Revalutions per minute, there were three speeds; 33 1/3, 45 and 78.....
My friend had a record player in the glove box of her car...
I had the first heated rollers, you boiled them....LOL

ok, I guess i just grew up in an old house :lol: I was using a Wash tub wringer far into my teens, DM said that was the only way to wash clothes and I loved candy cigarettes and those little wax candies..never really knew if it was ok to eat the wax ;)
So i won't claim the "don't tell your age" (I got 11 of them) I will just say that I was reared in an old home :lol:
DBF always says I am the oldest 26 year old he has ever met.

Shennie - I agree with DBF, only becuz you seem way to wise to be 26....
I LOVED the candy ciggs too and the wax bottle kool aides.......

OMG I got 30! Where's my cane?

Hey Carm, I have crutches already, but my mom sent her walker over to me via DH....what's your address????

3500 Wistful and Ancient Lane, Crotchetyville FL, 900BC.

WE are sooooooooooooo funny...:rofl: :rofl:

Carmen - I got 30, too - I live next door to you. When you're not using the walker, can I borrow it? (I thought the zip was 999BC) -- this was before the extra 4 digits, which I can never remember.

Are you two pulling my cane?

:cp: :rofl: yall are to much!!

:rofl: at all of you

Ok so i decided to go and count how many i remembered and i got 13 and im 27 maybe it has something to do with me being raised out in the country lol

Oh my, I got 15--almost older than dirt.... I wonder why...:?:

I think it must have been written by a teenager!

Shennie - I always chewed the wax - not sure if I ever *swallowed* it.. .maybe that's the reason I have all that cellulite?

I ate the wax several times, also dog food (remember the kind in the packets that looked like pink and yellow big league chew), snake skin, and I drank koolaid with rabbit pellets in it, all at the insistence of my big brother. If I didn't do it he would beat the stew out of me. Re: the wax, he'd drink all the juice from the bottles and make me eat the wax. You wouldn't think so, but he turned out to be a GREAT guy.

Carm, Yeah - my big brother tortured me too, I think it's normal.....
Unlike me, he is very quite and reserved. I think I embaressed him. He use to ask my mom if she could make me be quite?

Apparently I should be close to dead.. :rofl:
Thanks fer the chuckle!!

Does anyone remember the Free glass you would get in boxes of soap powder?

Okay, I knew that I grew up in a 1 horse town! I got over 20, and I am 28 years old. We still have a cafe with jukeboxes on the table!

DH did it, he got 19. We have an old drive up that has been around since my dad was a kid. They have the best burgers, fries and floats around!

Schatzi - Yes I reamember that and didn't they use to put towels in there too?

I loved the wax, probably more than the .2 oz of juice. There was a penny store (do they even still exist) around the corner from my DGM (in the back of someone’s house of course that had the best 3/.01 candy. $1 would make me the richest kid on the block.

I remember when pop bottles were glass and I had this obsession with taking the little papers off of them that had the price. Every time we would go to the grocery store I would do it. It got to the point were I had to empty my pockets when we left and was forced to put them all back on during the weekends. (Have no idea why I kept doing it)

Shennie - We would get our allowance on Sat mornings and go directly to the candy store, spend our whole $2 and go home and eat candy and watch cartunes.....where did those happy days go??????

Saturday morning cartoons were the whole reason for the weekend. Now kids don't even get up early enough to watch them. DS sleeps in on Saturday.:dizzy:
I would have a pack of saltines (don't like milk so i couldn't eat cereal and DM and DD would still be sleep) and sit in front of the TV from about 5AM until noon. Then I would get to watch soul train at noon. (the real soul train before the half naked girls;) ) and practice all of the dance moves.
Whatever happened to all of the dance shows (American bandstand was good too) and why were we so fascintated with watching other people dance on TV.

Shennie - OMG - I lived for Soul Train (but I was young with babies) I did my housework and danced with the babies....I STILL watch soullllllllllllll trainnnnnnnnn...lol My DS's still remember that and then they would watch wrestling.......
And yes American Bandstand, etc........

Shennie and Star - To this day, not a single family event goes by without a Soul Train line. :rofl:

I don't know why kids today have lost the line? It is by far the best way to showcase what our mamma gave us....

Yes, yes! I know why they've lost it. Its because instead of seeing Soul Train, our kids would much rather be able to watch their idols and the half nekkid girls on BET and MTV. Such a shame.

They are missing out on so much fun....

Did you all get things like steak knives at the gas station?

I loved soul train, too -- and Sat AM cartoons. . and Star Trek reruns after school --

At the drive-ins did they have the little tray that went in the window? This was before car air conditioning. ..

Julie - Yes to all of the above. First DH and me use to watch Star Trek everynight (before babies)....
The places where the girls come out to your cars are called drive-thurs, like A&W. Actually here we still have a couple and the girls bring the food out on trays on rollerskates, the one we go to is called Fast Eddies. It draws alot of Classic Car nuts....

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to the doctor for her annual physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 210.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" the nurse asks. "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures 5 foot 5.

She then takes her blood pressure and comments to the woman that it¹s very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

When Tom first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Tom became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.


After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Tom's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Tom be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.


"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Inner Peace,,, Finally

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have
finally
found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things
I
started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this
morning I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle
of
Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
both
Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines
and a box of Chocolates.
You have no idea how freking' good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

:rofl:
star were have you been...missed you

Ha ha, sounds like a workable plan to me!!

Why do women like circumcised men?

Because they can't resist 10% off.

:lol3:

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced

:crazy:

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

:lol3:

Karen...you are going to get me fired...everytime I thought I had laughed too hard, the next one made me laugh even harder. :rofl:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.


And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to
see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will change
direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she awoke, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said. She was so excited.

That evening, her husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

Ha ha, funny Carmen. Where have you been hiding?

This is how I've come to feel about this place!
http://www.geocities.com/fire_godess_e35/friends.jpg

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into a ladies department of macy's and syly walked up to the
women working behind the counter and said, " I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife." What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is
more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed the sea
of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of
bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleswomen
replied: There are the catholic, the salvation army, The presbyterian, and
the baptist types. Which would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.
The saleslady responded, It is all quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of the mole hills.
but don't forget the German ( HOLTZEMFROMFLOPPEN)

Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G,and H are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
A) Almost Boobs....
B) Barely there...
C) Can't complain
D) Dang!
DD) Double Dang!!
E) Enormous!
F) Fake.
G) Get a reduction
H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!

Katie funny and I'm sure most of us are going down in cup sizes:)

Long, but funny, I was laughing out loud and I'm here by myself:)

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together
in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....
RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much
pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake .. .. . . .. . . Remember, my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot
down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the
bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please
don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man who convinced me I should have a
phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does
try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!!
I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax
off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major knock and I
slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared
the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice,
to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! So,
I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

Barb, I about laughed myself silly. My kids cannot figure out what the heck is so funny!

Barb - that one is hilarious. I have a friend who actually tells stories like that - she should get a job telling stories.... I can totally see this coming from her! OUCH!

Lets just say I'm never trying this I'll keep all my hair thank you:)

What's so funny is that I have a cold wax kit in my cabinet that I was trying to work up the nerve to use. Not now!!!! :lol3:

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.



"My Dad called the middle wife. "She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there e in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"



This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"

"They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff; inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

You have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs.

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?"

Little Joey walks into his 2nd grade classroom and announces to the teacher that there's a dead kitty outside.
The teacher asks, "How do you know it's dead Joey?"
Joey answers, "Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move."
The teacher is mortified! In horror she says...'What did just say young man?"
And Joey says, "I went up to the kitty and said 'pssst' in his ear and he didn't move"
Out of the mouths of babes. :)

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight?
Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Why did the Easter egg hide?
He was a little chicken!

Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
Because he was eggo-centric!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has four rabbits' feet

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A bunion

What do you call an Easter Bunny with a large brain?
Egghead!

What does a bunny use when it goes swimming?
A hare-net.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make it wait for three hours!

What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny.

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail

Thought you guys would get a laugh out of this

"HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER"

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate,Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react,she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY .. NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

This isn't funny, but it is very freaky!

http://louhi.kempele.fi/~skyostil/archive/dump/flash/psychic.swf

Tina:
I did it and is so cool! :D

Waxing

This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .

Two blondes are walking down the street when one sees a compact mirror that someone had dropped out of their purse.

The first blonde picks it up and looks into the mirror and says, "That's funny. I know I've seen that face somewhere before."

The second blonde takes the mirror from her, looks in it and says, "Of course you have, silly, it's me!"

a jewish boy goes to his father and asks for 5 dollars,
his father answers, "4 dollars, what do you need 3 dollars for..."

hahaha!

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............


1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.


2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.


3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S *** AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.


4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO


5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.


6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"


7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEP ER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.


8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.


10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)


11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.


12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!!

Katie--you just brought back some old college memories!

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
2 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal

Sample the Crown to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Crown again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Crown is still OK, try another cup, just in case. Turn off the mixer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.

Sample the Crown to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Crown Royal. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of ar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the bottle of Crown Royal.


Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost completely unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Carm- Thanks for bringing this thread back up!

Kim - How did I know you would have something to add?

Actually at first I thought Carm was giving a rundown of my day yesterday.....

Kim--can I come bake with you??

Sure! Rum balls, coming up! (minds out of gutter...NOW!)

did you ever see the saturday night live with alec baldwin (one of his many) when he does the skit with his holiday balls?

OMG - my all time favorite - DH, BIL and I were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. "can't wait to get my hands on your Schweddy *****!"

Pete Shweddy is one of our holiday heros!!!!

ha ha ha