100 lb. Club - 21 Years, I've asked for Divorce

I haven't been posting much, have had so much on my mind but I have been 100% on plan which seems so weird to me under the circumstances. I've managed to lose 3 pounds the past 2 weeks.

My DH took his parents to Boston for 10 days which really allowed me to see how I would feel with him gone...and it was very peaceful and allowed me time to think.

I've kept things going longer than I probably should have...thinking it would be for the best for my 2 teenage boys. Also, I hated to think we couldn't make it when it's not for any glaringly obvious reason like betrayal or illegal activity, which has been the case with family members...most of whom have been divorced twice. We talked about failed marriages before we married and I guess that's what kept me trying for so long.

I grew up with an alcoholic Dad and was thrilled that I did not marry one. It took me years to see that I married a workaholic and an addiction is an addiction. Dh's is just more easily accepted by society.

I've raised the boys alone with DH always working 11-13 hour shifts. He missed just about every event at school from kindergarten graduations to honors award, sports, driver's training, how to shave, tie a tie...all of it. I've been a "married-single-parent" for decades and no matter how much we discussed it, over and over again, he would tell me he was ultimately trying to make his business a success for us.

For me, I look to the future and can't imagine what we would have to discuss or share or why we should. It would be impossible to have discussions reminiscing about the boys doing anything...he wasn't there. I realize now just how lonely I have felt while being married. My sons were the bright spot in my life and while I will be forever grateful that I was able to be a SAHM with them...they are growing up (18 & 15-1/2).

I need to find a life for me that will fill me up...food was never the answer. Somehow I always knew it but for some reason I finally believe it. I got through having a party on the 4th for my one son's birthday...yes, 4th of July baby as is my Dad. I got through the party without overeating and even got my exercise done in the morning.

Why the heck I'm sharing this here...I don't know. I've always found it difficult to just jump into a forum and let it all hang out...but I sense that being accountable and having a sounding board is going to be very important and helpful down the road. I also needed to practice saying the word Divorce as we aren't telling the boys until Monday...they have too many plans this week-end and it wouldn't be fair. We will then be telling everyone else.

Thanks for letting me vent. (o.k.---I just have to get the courage to actually hit the submit button...........

(((HUGS))) Barbara Ann! I hope you don't mind me popping in here, since I'm not an actual member of this group. Your moderator and I have met in real life, and I do often peek in. (I too needed to lose 100+ pounds) With your post, I felt the need to say something.

I'm curious what your DH's response was when you told him you want a divorce, but if you were happier while he was gone to Boston, that speaks volumes. I guess counseling is not an answer or you'd go that route, right?

Starting a new phase in your life will be scary, exciting and even overwhelming at times, and I admire your sense of peace, and well as your control of your diet and exercise. From what I know of the other members here, I just know you'll get lots of loving support from them.

Good luck to you, and God bless.

Thank you Jane for the response. My husband does not believe therapy is the answer and is unwilling to try it. I have been in therapy for a year and it has made a world of diference in finally laying my childhood to rest and seeing how I got to the place I am now.

Owning our own business...I knew it would mean a lot of hours. It's been 21 years with no signs of him slowing down and seeing him able to run at the ring of the phone if his family needed some help with a crisis :mad: did not equate to him feeling he could take time off to attend a school or sporting event for the kids.

I tried discussing it too many times. His response was he felt he was doing his job...providing for his family and when he wasn't at work he was home...not out drinking or carousing. For years I allowed that to be enough because I grew up knowing the life of a drinker and who was I to complain if my husband was trying to show his boys pride in working hard. He never has seen that he gives his boys everything...but time....and I don't see the point of allowing it to continue.

Dear Dear BarbaraAnn, I too am not a regular to this room, but at the core, this site is for Support...I just wish I could hug you. I know many of the issues you are and have dealt with. . It's to your credit that you recognize that right now this relationship is "toxic" for you .. and that food does not fill the emptiness. or feed your soul.
Many of us that come from addictive families learned to Not air the family dirty laundry and ignore the "elephant in the room" and never ever seek help .. If you find it easier to "PM", my arms are open to you :grouphug: .

BarbaraAnn, I've been where you are. I was married for 16 years, and alone for most of it. It's not a marriage--it is a roomate relationship at best.

Do what is best for you, for ultimately, you are the only one you can control.

Big hugs to you!!

Bless your heart!!! But, good for you to make some hard decisions and life changes. I wish you all the best. Change is difficult, but your courage is inspiring.
Lynne

You seem like a very together lady, BarbaraAnn. I'm sorry your marriage hasn't provided you with the emotional fulfilment you deserve. You've done a great job of bringing up your boys, and now that they're getting older, you'll have more of an opportunity to point your life in whatever direction you like. Good luck to you.

Dear BarbaraAnn, congratulations for having the courage to take this leap. It's time for you to take care of you, and make a life for yourself. I'm sure your boys probably won't even be all that surprised considering how absent their father seems to have been all their lives. I too am a "married single mother" and I know exactly how you feel. In fact your post just made me realize that my dd is eventually going to grow up and move on (she's almost 8 now), and then where will that leave me? Most of my life is wrapped up in raising her, although I have begun making my needs more of a priority as far as health and exercise in the last few years, but that's not everything. Thank you for posting this BarbarAnn, and thank you for being strong and doing what is best for you. Good luck, I'll be thinking about you.

Beverly

Barbara Ann- I have not been in your position but I've known many people in ones quite similar to yours. I am glad that you got the time you've needed to think and you've been in therapy trying to figure things out. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing for your whole family. Many people would have let it drag out or not done anything about it. Congratulations on being proactive about your life- you only live once, and it's a shame to see anyone in a situation that they want to be out of. Good luck to you for moving on, and thanks for sharing what's been going on with you. :grouphug:

Barbara Ann -
I am always sadned to hear when a marriage ends. I imagine it to be very hard to stay when it doesn't seem like much of a marriage. It sounds like you are saying that you would like it to work - but that your husband made that decision, without knowing it, for you. It breaks my heart to hear you in pain.
How did your husband respond to you when you told him you wanted a divorce? Did he fight for the marriage? Is he taking you seriously?

Come and post here as often as you want, about anything you want. We are a great group of supporters. Sometimes we are a great shoulder and other times we can be soapboxes - but it's all support - and support comes from love :)

On a side note - I think it's incredible how you are staying on plan during all of this! My spoon would be soooo bent from all the ice-cream if I were in your shoes!!!

Hugs :grouphug:

BarbraAnn...I want to commend you on the courage it must have took make this change in your life. I can only imagine how hard this was/will be for you. I'm glad you came here to share. We are here for you. (((HUGS)))

Thank you all so very much. It took me a few minutes to compose myself enough to respond...tears of relief from being understood and for your support and compassion. With my decision to tell my boys first...and not for a couple days...I'm in a weird place.

Today has been the most difficult day...knowing that our 4 lives and those of our families are going to change in a couple days. I know my decision didn't come easy and it's not doubts I'm having but nervousness. Of all the people brought into my large extended family by marriage...DH has been everyone's favorite. I initially worried they may rally around him but no, it is more likely that they may carry me off to an asylum...so if you don't hear from me next week... :dizzy:

To respond to some of the things posted:

Schatzi: You explained it wonderfully and I will be sending you a PM.

Jen415: It's amazing that a stranger's words could impact me the way yours did...I've been walking around repeating your "It's a roommate relationship at best" whenever a self-doubt moment would try to creep in.

tchrnw & TooFatFish: Your well-wishes meant a lot, thanks.

boiaby: I really appreciate your sharing your situation. It makes you wonder how many of us are out there who are married and lonely, it's not what many people would expect.

djs06: What you wrote is exactly what has been motivating...we only have one life. Thanks for the reminder.

Charbar: I've been finding it strange that I've been able to stay on plan during this as well. I sure wasn't putting the icecream spoon down the past 3 years when I was depressed and couldn't find my way to a solution. I was a "functional depressed person". When I was home alone...I was lost but just before the boys would get home from school, I would pull together myself and the house and it was "Showtime!" with smiles. Exhausting behavior. Once I decided I needed and required more for myself in all aspects of my life...I have not binged or even had the desire to fill that hole inside with food. That hole is finally being filled with hope and I know it's going to make the difference.

As for husband's reaction..he was saddened to see just how serious I was and the calm manner of speaking convinced him that it wasn't like all the other times. There wasn't much marriage for him to fight for when I explained I didn't see a future for us when we had been living separate lives for so long. Him and work and me and our boys. He just nodded his head when I told him I just couldn't do it anymore.

JacobsMommy: Thank you so much for the vote of confidence.

You all really helped me so much and I am so glad I broke out of my box and took the first step in sharing here.

Good for you. Put yourself first in your life. I'm sure your children will understand. My parents divorced when I was like...9 I think or around there somewhere, and I don't have any pyschological issues....atleast not that I'm aware of. :lol:

Reading your initial post brought so many memories flooding back to me, BarbaraAnn. I know exactly where you are ~ lonely, frustrated and longing for the companionship you expected marriage to bring. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job raising your boys, all the while being patient and waiting for your situation to change (yet knowing, deep inside, it never would). I know its a difficult step to leave a life you've known for 21 years - to admit defeat - to feel a sense of failure because you couldn't make it work - to worry how it'll affect your boys - to fear the ramifications of your decision - to fear the unknown (I know I stayed longer than I should have because as unhappy as I was, I felt "better the devil I know than the devil I don't").

Of course its sad for all parties involved when a marriage ends, but if you know in your heart there's no use flogging a dead horse, then the reality is that there's no point wasting any more time wallowing in misery. I can only speak for myself, but I can whole heartedly say ending my marriage was the beginning of my real life. The sense of relief once it was out in the open and I could take those tentative steps toward starting over felt like my soul had been released!

Things won't change too much for the boys seeing as you've been the hands-on parent all along and your family and friends will get over the shock soon enough. I expect the transition will be relatively stress-free (since there doesn't seem to be much contestation).

You've already started making your life a nicer place to reside in by beginning (and sticking to) a weight-loss program and once you've actually moved on, many other doors will also open for you. It wasn't until after my divorce that I went back to university, changed careers and began travelling to destinations I'd previously only dreamed of. Then, when I least expected it (and at a rather ripe age) I DID meet the person who proved to me that all my expectations of a relationship could be fully realized. I look forward to growing old, but never, ever bored, with this wonderful person. BarbaraAnn, fulfilment of all nature and kind awaits you. Go ahead ~ give yourself the life you deserve! :)

Barbara Ann - just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out but you sound like you are at peace in your heart about your decision.

All the best

Love Amanda x

BarbaraAnn - I love it when women wake up one day and say, "Wait a minute! I deserve more than this!" It's a fantastic, empowering moment because you've realized that no, it's not a terrible, abusive marriage but that doesn't mean you're don't deserve happiness and love. And yay! Because you DO deserve happiness and love!

BarbaraAnn,

I am happy for you that you will be able to be in a happier time of your life now. I admire your courage in making a hard decision, and for being able to do it without resorting to food for comfort.

Several here have been in marriages that have not turned out as they had hoped, or know of friends in that situation. I am wondering if these situations are more common than we realize?

I know what it is like to be a married single mother as well. My husband was not there when our son was a baby because of his own emotional issues he couldn't 'cope' with changing diapers, feeding, bathing, putting the baby to bed, in other words just about everything. Now that our son is almost 4 he's been a bit more active but mostly because I have shift work so he has to look after our son while I'm at work. I think if my husband had his way I'd be the full-time caregiver and he'd just hang out with us once in awhile when it is convienent. I almost wish he had the workaholic thing going, at least that would seem like a better excuse. I hope things went well yesterday when you told your sons what was going on. Don't ever doubt you've been an amazing mother to hang in there trying to give them a stable life with 2 parents.

Once again...I would like to thank everyone for their input and support. It has truly made a difference in me getting through the past few days. I'd find a moment creeping in of "What the he!! am I doing?" and run to re-read this thread or my journal to slap myself out of it.

No doubt there's been some weird moments...I seem to have only 2 emotions right now...sad or mad, and they switch from one to the other within minutes or seconds. Also, there's been a few blonde moments like putting the mail in the fridge and the milk in the pantry but hey...I am blonde! ;) (Gotta be careful not to make myself laugh...I got my teeth whitening strips on and don't need to choke to death on saliva....at least not after all that I've been through. :lol:

Uh...we ended up telling our sons Sunday night. DH went over for his weekly visit to his family (his sister where his parents stay when they are not in Italy)and even though he agreed the boys should hear the news first....and even though he picked Monday night as the night to tell our boys in order not to upset their week-end plans...he told his family. Now the clueless, clueless man does not know that his youngest neice calls our oldest son occasionally to chat. When he came home and told me he had told his family....I wanted to kill him :devil: but controlled my anger because he says I have always made a big deal out of everything. :rolleyes: :?:

So, I had to call my oldest son home from a BBQ with friends...get my youngest son from a friend's house and then try to tell them in as calm of a manner as possible...all while not trying to choke their father. :barf: Somehow when both boys were hugging me...I even felt sorry for the guy and told the boys we needed to include him in the hug as we would always be family and it wasn't a matter of someone being wrong but rather it just was not meant to continue blah, blah...suffice it to say, I deserved an award under the conditions. Boys were surprised but because there wasn't anger or tension in the air...they calmed down with promises that we would always try our best to work together for their best interest.

After that...I felt a huge amount of relief. I was actually glad in some ways of not having to wait another 24 hours but hey...as Dh was probably thinking..I proabably just wanted to have things my way...as usual. :dizzy:

I'm doing o.k. ladies....he moved out to his sister's last night instead of tonight as both boys were out with friends and I thought it might be best if they didn't see their dad walking out with suitcases. Hard to know what all the right ways of doing things through this are...so I'm going with my gut. Dh will be coming here for dinner tonight to spend some time with the boys and so it begins....one day at a time.

Thank you all again!

What relief you must be feeling now! Other than your "DH" jumping the gun and upsetting the boy's Sunday plans, it was handled beautifully ~ calm, reasonable, sensitive (the group hug was a great idea). You said all the right words to the boys and having their dad leave while they weren't there surely helped minimize any trauma. :)

So, now your new life begins. We talk a lot here about "the journey" in the context of weight-loss; the learning experiences, adjustments, exhilaration, fulfillment, successes and occasional frustrations. Not only are you embarking on that journey, but another one encompassing all that and more! Isn't it exciting?! Here's to BarbaraAnn's new life! :D

Is it just me but I am getting the feeling that either your husband is hiding a ton of emotions or is he relatively indifferent to the whole thing? My husband would probably kill me first before he would divorce me.

So he gave up everything, so you could be a SAHM? That's his reward? Empty nest is a time to build the relationship back into a new relationship. We all go through it to some extent. It is time to renew that relationship into the new couple.

Beyond matters of faith and religion, I think I have to explain my thinking to you. I am 2 years into completely empty nest. I felt the same emptiness you describe. I was truly scared that there would be no "us" left when the kids were on their own. Instead I have found the last two years to be the sweetest of our 29 year marriage. DH has reached a point in his career that he finally isn't so driven, and thus has more time and energy for ME. He is more romantic. For years I didn't get flowers because of the kids' cat. Now, our empty nest has fresh roses, my favorites, every week. Knowing I love the ocean, he literally quit his job to transfer so we could not only visit, but live by the ocean. I have seen so many of my friends and family who wonder at their former spouses who treat the new wife the way they always wanted to be. It is not that they didn't want to treat the first wife so kindly, but that it was time that they finally could spend the time, money, whatever, to be that attentive. I fear you are giving up just short of the goal, and missing the payoff for the both of you.

I'm glad you explained your reasoning and described your experience in your second post, Sea, as I found the first post rather judgmental (after all, we're here to support). Not that we know all the ins and outs of BarbaraAnn's marriage, but to say her husband "gave up everything" to allow her SAHM status assumes they were working towards a common "reward" at the end of it all. My impression is he was indifferent to her AND their children throughout and basically used work as an excuse to lead a separate life.

You're extremely fortunate that your husband changed so totally, Sea. However, given that he was able to do so (apparently quite willingly), I can only deduce he was not apathetic to the marriage all along (as seems to be the case for BarbaraAnn). After 21 years I doubt her decision was made lightly or easily and I'm sure all avenues were explored before taking such a drastic step.

So he gave up everything, so you could be a SAHM? That's his reward?

Wow, Sea, forgive me but I've got to interject here. I must admit I was stunned when I read your first post, then I scrolled down and was glad to see that you at least tried to explain your statements. As I'm sure you know, everyone is different, and you can't possibly think that BarbaraAnn came to this decision lightly. I am very happy that things ultimately worked out for you and your dh, but if you'll go back and re-read BarbaraAnn's initial post, I'm sure you'll see that her situation is probably vastly different from yours. Of course I have absolutely no way of knowing that, but I have to assume it given your statements. Please remember, this is not a place for judgment, rather support. And support is precisely what BarbaraAnn needs from us right now. Also, I'm sorry if I was harsh, I don't mean to be, I just felt like I couldn't not say anything. No hard feelings, K?

Beverly

I just want to say good luck to you on this new journey. Although it's been a long time since I left a relationship, I do remember feeling a lot of emotions that I didn't think I'd experience since I was the one that made the decision. Just wanted you to be aware of that in case feelings come up that you don't expect. Know that we're here for you! :)

Although it's been a long time since I left a relationship, I do remember feeling a lot of emotions that I didn't think I'd experience since I was the one that made the decision.You make a very good point, Sheila. I was rather shocked to discover this too. I wasn't married and there were no children involved, so it's not quite the same scenario. Still, it was a 15 year relationship that I ended. I was bewildered when at times I experienced emotions akin to those of a bereavement. I've since discovered this isn't at all unusual.

Sea: I too was quite happy to see your second post as, quite frankly, your first one sucked! :mad:

With regards to your second post...

There is no way that I could possibly or would want to even try to sum up a 21 year marrige here...it would take 21 years to impart all that is involved on both sides.

I will say, I've had 21 years of flowers for no reason...except he loved me...which really meant once...don't be upset that when the school called and our youngest son was sick and you Barbara didn't get the call the first time but I did and went to the wrong freakin' school because...

HE DIDN'T KNOW OR REMEMBER WHICH FREAKIN' SCHOOL HIS KIDS WENT TO!!! The flowers didn't really smell all that sweet....and I will continue to buy my own d@mn flowers...thank you very much. ;)

Thanks for watching my back boiaby & Jillegal! :lol:

I'm gonna go swim some laps....

so sorry to read about the divorce and my prayers are with you on this barbara. I know I don't post alot but I lurk every now and then and I can't imagine the amount of emotions that you are going through. I pray that God's will be done for you and that you heal in the best way possible. I pray that he heals as well.

I'm sad to hear your news, sad for you and your family. Even in the best circumstances, divorce is not easy. God be with you.

Ok, step one - DONE! It's out in the open. You can start telling people. For me, the more I talk about something, the clearer it becomes in my head. Talk, talk and talk. You will get through this, one step and one crazy emotion at a time.

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to respond since I've been sick so I just caught up on all this tonight. I don't have any personal experience to speak of, but I'm so glad you are taking steps to really make yourself happy and change your life. Life is too short to waste it! It sounds like you really handled things so well! My DH's parent's divorced when he was 16 - it was a super nasty divorce - but he really doesn't feel like he has any issues because of it. Kids are so resilent.

((((HUGS))))