Weight Loss Support - The Big Lie




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Quite-a-Handful
06-18-2005, 11:01 AM
I've grown fond of telling myself, and others, there's no reason to diet because what do I have to show after 28 years of dieting? An exra 120 pounds, is what.

But it finally, like a bolt of lightning, hit me the other day that I haven't been dieting for 25 years. I've been playing. One dangerous fad diet after another. Every pill and potion you can imagine. Going to WW meetings and being shocked -- SHOCKED! -- that I didn't lose weight when I had followed the plan to the letter all week, when what I actually had done was ignore the plan for the first two days (after all, I had all week to catch up and I deserved a break anyway); then worked the plan strictly for two days, then loosely for two days; and then I starved myself the day before the weigh in. Or, when not on WW, weighing myself on three different scales and recording the lowest one as my "real " weight in my chart. Measuring myself and then writing down smaller numbers in a journal ONLY I WOULD SEE. How sick is that? Planning on going to the gym three nights a week, but not really going and then complaining to friends that I can't lose weight even though I work out regularly. Playing this game: After realizing in tears that I "can't" diet, vowing to start going to the gym on Monday, which is better than dieting. Then Monday comes and instead of going to the gym, I tell myself, if I eat right, I don't need to exercise, so next Monday, I'm starting a new diet; then of course, once I blow that, vowing to start going to the gym and so on and so on ...

And the big revelation: I thought that if I pretended to be a good-eating, excerising, health-conscious woman -- even though I'm not -- then people would believe that I was and think that maybe I was afflicted with some disease or condition that made it impossible to lose weight. So it WASN'T MY FAULT. So there.

Even sicker is that I couldn't even admit the truth to myself. Like if I made the lie so complete, then it would be true. If I never admitted my weight to anyone, never admitted my overeating and slovenly habits, then they would actually see a svelte, 125-pound woman.

I know that good self esteem and a great attitude and good heart make you attractive no matter what. But that's NOT what was going on with me. Instead of feeling good about my total self and being fabulous as a result of that, I was hiding my abysmally low self esteem under a cloak of fake fabulous. The difference -- to the outside world -- is subtle, too subtle for others to notice, perhaps. But inside, it made me feel like a fake, like if anyone could see the congealed mess of weight-related insecurity that was resting underneath the surface, they would run far and fast away from me. My whole life was fake because I was not who I was presenting to the world.

Whoa.... I had a germ of an idea about all of this over the past few days, but it wasn't until I was just writing it that I realized the magnitude of it all. You would think being a writer that I would recognize the power of the written word and the writing process. But I guess it was just another part of the lie. I don't have to journal... I know my own thoughts... it's just as effective to analyze them in my had than on paper. Oh, bull.


midwife
06-18-2005, 11:24 AM
Wow! You are a powerful writer. I saw so many truths in your post for myself too. I have been on a "plateau" for about 8 months....thinking that maybe where I am now is just where I am meant to be...."big-boned" you know! Cause I have been "on plan", sort of....portion control when I feel like it and exercising a couple of times a week when I feel like it, but boy do I take credit for working hard and changing habits!

I understand about lying to yourself, and you are right. It is very odd. How can we possibly get away with lying to the woman in the mirror? I guess if we fool ourselves into believing ourselves, then truth ensues?

Best wishes to you on your journey.

jennie934
06-18-2005, 11:31 AM
that is quite an insite you had into yourself. It sounds like you are finally ready to start to battle this for real.
I can relate to a lot of what you said. the part of the hiding under fake fabulous is right on. I have always tried to act like I like my self the way I am when really deep down, I think it has caused a lot of my emotional problems to date.
I have finally comitted my self losing weight and being incontrol of the situtation. No matter if I mess up or not, I am going to get back on the wagon and keep going. In the past, I did the cycle of dieting then binging and gaining it all back but this time, I am not going to let my self do it. I am commiting to continueing this and seeing it through.
thanks for sharing your story and I'ms ure as you know, you arn't alone.

Keep on keepin on!


Wisertime
06-18-2005, 11:59 AM
Wow, I could have written that (though not as well as you did). I spent years faking it and lying to myself. Who knows? Maybe I had to go through that to get to where I am today. I think I finally "get it". I still get mad at myself for wasting those years but I try to stay positive with a Better Late Than Never attitude.

Best of luck to you.

Lynn

satylite
06-18-2005, 12:16 PM
Wow. I don't think I have a lot to contribute here, but did want to note that your post really, REALLY hit home. It's one of those things where it feels like you may have just reached into my own brain and pulled out some of my very well-hidden thoughts. Thank you for that.

Oh, and about not needing to write things down, but really needing to write things down? Totally, completely spot-on.

FerretNose
06-18-2005, 03:19 PM
Geez, I couldve written that, too! This is weird- I was actually doing some of this behavior this morning... complaining to my husband that my weight loss is stalled, something must be wrong with me, yadayada. But deep down i know that I haven't given it my all, not really. My program was to walk 5 times this week. What did I do? Only walked twice. I have at least been in control of my eating, but I have indeed slacked big time in writing it down.

I also have a habit of doing something (like certain exercise program or whatever) just 2 or 3 times, then getting frustrated because I don't see results. Then I complain that whatever it is isn't working- of course it's not working... I haven't given it near enough time to work. Then I complain that I've "tried everything and nothing works on me!" but in reality, I'm constantly switching techniques without giving it time or even my best effort.

You have totally opened my eyes to a concept, and it's an oldie but a goodie: we lie best when we lie to ourself. I just realized that what I have been doing is sabotaging my own efforts in order to not have to do them. I've been doing it by trying technique after technique, so that I could say to myself and others, "I've tried everything, it doesnt work, woe is me." I know this isn't very clear, but I'll bet some of you get my drift!

This is why I've been stalled after the novelty of losing the first 10 lbs came off. :o What a great thread!

cecilyisworking
06-18-2005, 04:59 PM
I can so relate to what all of you have said! The thing I've been thinking about lately is the "I've tried everything and nothing works" lie. I've said it many times. There is a difference between what I know I've done (or not done) when I say "tried" and what I pray others believe when I say it. I know that by "tried" I mean I handed over the credit card, bought new food, and sat on my rear and waited for the magic to begin. What I want others to believe is that I ate like a saint, but only when I wasn't working out to the point of exhaustion, only to find that the scale was tacking on pounds at an alarming rate. Yeah, right. I was a fool if I thought others didn't see right through that. There is no magic here, only hard work and perseverance.

Thanks for the thread! The truth hurts!!!

Quite-a-Handful
06-18-2005, 06:37 PM
So it's been a little bit of a painful day for me. But that's OK because it's also been enlightening and positive. I'm so glad so many of us can relate to the same feelings. 1) because I don't feel like such a self-delusional freak; and 2) sharing my thoughts seems to have helped others. So, hey, that IS a good day! :D I hope everyone is well. Thank you all for your kind words.

gray eyed girl
06-19-2005, 12:12 PM
I hear you and could have written that myself. Wow. I would venture a guess that most if not all of us here have played that game with ourselves at some point. I've realized that I was blaming every one of my lazy, half-baked attempts at a diet on breastfeeding. I failed because I was breastfeeding and couldn't eat less because my milk supply would go down and my son would starve. But you know what? My son is almost 1 1/2. He eats like a horse and loves his whole milk. He doesn't need to nurse for the nutritional value any more, this is an emotional need that he needs filled. And if he only gets a couple of swallows of breastmilk, that's okay because his emotional needs are still being met. This definitely wasn't the only "life changing" realization I have had. Like you, I would also do things halfway or not at all and assume that somehow my good intentions would be enough while I overate and didn't exercise. I think my biggest "click" was that I realized that if I stick with my eating routine and exercise routine, I can easily be at my goal by my next anniversary. That's exciting, to know that by our next anniversary I could be thinner than I was on our wedding day. I want that.

I am rambling here, but I just wanted to say that I have definitely been there too, playing those stupid games with myself and with my health too, and I appreciate your being willing to put it out there and admire the writing you used to do it :).

MorticiaAddams
06-19-2005, 12:55 PM
A reallly great and inspirational post and one that I can totally agree and understand froma personal point also. ;)
It was a eye opener to myself as well when I discovered that thru the stares from other people and the names kids would yell that as much as that hurt me it was the things I did to my own self that hurt me more. :o
Thanks for the wonderful post and I hope your journey is as wonderful as mine has begun to be.
Many times I wonder why couldnt I have done this sooner. Because I was not ready and now that Im ready its a ride I dont want to ever get off. :D

Schatzi
06-19-2005, 02:19 PM
This is the kind of post I want to re-read when I begin to backslide..."QAH", as you see, you spoke the inner thoughts and feelings of many of us! Ok OK,I'll admit it I was very near to tears...thankyou and I send hugs of support

starcity
06-19-2005, 10:19 PM
The truth may be hard, but doesn't it feel good and exhausting to get it out? Just like everyone else here I completely understand what it feels like the moment you realize that you've been telling yourself a lie. This realization is fresh in my mind also. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I've always led the world on, trying to make everyone believe that I've struggled with my weight. Truth be told, for most of my life I've just rolled over and completely played dead. I haven't tried. I really have never rolled up my sleeves and given weight loss an honest, conscious, whole-hearted try. The big lie I've been telling myself is that I've tried to combat this, but I haven't. I've also just been playnig games. I've looked at myself in the mirror and said that it's time to get the weight off, but then I go grab a bowl or bag of the nearest junk and plop down in front of the television.

I think this has always been compounded by the fact that I don't feel like the spirited, happy, optimistic person inside of me is really overweight. I'm shocked when I step on the scale or see photographs of myself. My outsides don't even come close to reflecting the person that I am on the inside. How I view myself in my mental eye is completely different.

So denial comes ease. Truth comes slowly. I feel compassion toward what all of us here are saying. Let our realizations transform us. Let us not forget our insights. I'm going to try hard to look in the mirror and see the body that I present to the world everyday and not just turn away from it. It's time to admit reality, even if it isn't pretty. Thank you all for being open. I encourage each and every one of you to take baby steps toward your goals. And let us all find comfort in knowing that there are others who understand...

http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tracker/img/bar-retro6/fireworks01/lb/340/170/340/.png (http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tracker/index.php)

Shalia
06-20-2005, 10:38 AM
Starcity, you are me. :) I pretend I diet every few blue moons or so, only to outside people, then I grab the icecream, sit in front of the TV, and veg. I stood on the scale not too long ago and nearly cried when I saw it at 240. I'm a happy-go-lucky person <usually> and that fat person on the scales was NOT me.

Now, I'm to the OP <sorry, forgot your name!> and I've been lying to myself and others by only journaling on weekdays <like weekends don't count?> and skirting the exercise issue <what, my metabolism is going to increase itself?> rather than let anyone think I'm failing. *sigh*

Thanks for the look in the mirror guys. Now to actually DO something with it rather than find the nearest candy bar. :(

PsycoPhat
06-20-2005, 10:52 AM
Maggie,
I think you've busted quite a lot of us! :s: Time to look at myself and see what I can ACTUALLY do to improve my life, starting with finding out exactly what I've been lying to myself about. :write: This won't be too fun, but it will be worth it in the end.
Kathy

FerretNose
06-20-2005, 04:42 PM
Now that we've all had a revelation thanks to the courage and mad writing skillz of the original poster, let's dig a little deeper. I daresay at least a few of us that are struggling with our weight and know that we really haven't taken control in a real, meaningful, and effective way (by means of misdirection or outright lying to ourselves and others) also have dealt with other major life issues that they were truly *not* in control of. Before I even ran across this thread, I was reading into a psychological condition called "learned helplessness". Because my weight is not the only thing I struggle to master. I'm afraid to give my best to lots of important things, and it has stalled my life in a horrible way.

To put it in the most simplistic terms, "learned helplessness' develops over time when a person has had so many difficult or painful things happen in their lives that were really out of his/her control, that the person eventually has a "why even bother, nothing I do matters" attitude. This is a false belief that the person uses to avoid giving their best effort to things in order to keep from being hurt again. Someone with this problem will draw other people into his/her false ideas.

The following link goes into major detail and will be very relevant to anyone who feels so ineffective in life. Since learning about this concept and seeing how much it applied to myself, I have caught myself over and over just in the past week lying to myself and others, or using misdirection, to avoid doing things that require hard work or dedication. In fact, had I not read it, I don't think I would have recognized myself in this thread at all. I hope someone else can get something out of it:

http://www.coping.org/control/helpless.htm

dona
06-20-2005, 06:10 PM
I really needed this thread today.. I'm feeling frustrated as I have hit a flatline on my scales for the last two weeks.. I have been doing good for over 6 weeks now and have lost 18 lbs.. but.. the scales haven't budged for two weeks now and I am starting to feel the same way I have with every other diet I have been on.. Now.. so the control is my hands.. do I feel sorry for myself and drop this like so many other diets I've dropped .. blame genetics etc.. or do I look at myself.. Have I been drinking enough water? probably not.. have I been excersizing consistantly? No.. Have I been careful with my portions and not lying to myself about how much I am really eating?? Maybe it's time to get a kitchen scale.. The point is I have done the same thing for years and to make a change I have to realize that weather I stay fat or get fit is up to know one but me and I have to love myself enough to do this. There is so much wisdom in this thread.. I'm printing it out as I type this to reread. Thanks to all...

angelshine90
06-20-2005, 07:06 PM
hey I just wanted to also chime in here and say how awsome this post is....I was reading everyone's response and thinking "i've have never done that blah blah blah" and then I think I heard that little voice...the little voice that told me that it wasn't "just water weight" or that maybe i should put down the bag of jelly beans and and eat an apple....the same little voice reminded me that I lied to myself for a long time.....every morning I would step on the scale and when it would read 149 (my highest weight) i would say OK i am NOT eating today...then proceed to cry ..instead of actually going out and DOING something about it!!...I turned a blind eye to it...and just saw curves......its so easy to fall into that trap when you are with someone who loves you for you..and wont say..Hey honey you are getting a fat ***...hahah cause if he did you would punch him in the face..but you understand what I am saying....finally i decided that it was time to eat healthy ..that i was an adult and it was My responsiblitly to take care of ME...so I started working out every am and did South Beach....I finally lost those 9 pounds and I am not looking back....I am doing this FOR ME and for the first time I am being honest with myself...it was time to change....

thank you for that post....it really opend my eyes up

paperclippy
06-20-2005, 08:00 PM
I'll just add another vote for "great post" . . . Thank you. I have learned not to cheat myself in most ways, but I still let little lies slip through. The biggest problem I have is with taking my measurements. I will pull the measuring tape much tighter than it should be to get that measurement down another half inch! I feel like if my measurement is the same as the previous couple times, I've somehow failed. But I know as long as I still see long-term improvement, I'm doing good.

All your posts have been really great and insightful. You should totally write a book about this stuff -- I'd buy it.

LHB1977
06-21-2005, 11:18 AM
FerretNose - thank you so much for that link! OMG! Finally some answers!
You know, I have always thought myself a strange person. :lol: Back when I was in school, I was an overachiever. I had to be the best at everything. I was a straight A student, the president of every club, involved in everything - I was a goody goody. And I got made fun of for that constantly. I wasn't itty bitty - but looking back at pictures now - I really was in good shape. But I still thought I was fat. I still thought no matter what I did, that it wasn't good enough. Then I went to college. There, I became the total opposite of who I was before. I never went to class. I failed almost every class. (Before that I had never made an F in my life!!) I started drinking, smoking and doing some drugs. And gettting fatter....and fatter....and fatter. I just quit. Just quit trying. Now I can't seem to get back to the "goody goody Lauren" - or at least a happy medium. I feel like I waste space on the planet. I feel like I am using oxygen to breathe that someone else who is more beneficial to life could use. If I do try ANYTHING - I never see it through to my goal. I always quit. I have felt like such a faliure for sooooo long.... and I can't figure out how to change. "Just do it!!" my loved ones tell me. "Just change!" and I look at them blankly. "Huh? How do I do that?" To them, it seems so easy...to me - impossible.
Another realization......have any of you noticed that if you are overweight, you tend to surround yourself with other overweight people? I was talking to a girlfriend last night and she was talking about how she couldn't wait to get home and eat this piece of cake in the fridge, and how she sure needed to go to the gym but would probably "just sit at home on my fatass and do nothing!" And I thought to myself "Lauren. This is not what you need to hear. Why are you surrounded with people with this mentality?" But I do love her and she is my friend - so what do you do? Does anyone else notice that they do this also?
I haven't weighed this week - scared to after this weekend. I really do think I am wasting your time here. I don't seem to be really doing anything about losing weight. Just talking. Talky talky talky.....like I always do......

FerretNose
06-21-2005, 04:12 PM
hey Lauren- sometimes the talky talky ends up being the way we figure things out. You're not wasting anyone's time, not even your own time, because you are seeking answers. As long as you keep looking, you're not wasing time. I surrounded myself with fat friends even when I had a great figure. They also tended to have low self esteems. Hmmm... you're also not the only one who overacheived in the early years and screwed around with the college years! You don't realize that you are still a perfectionist- just a negative type one. You want it all or nothing deep down, but we don't get anywhere with all or nothing. "Impotent Perfectionists" hate to take baby steps because anything less than the end result (what they see as perfection) is somehow unacceptable to them. They'd rather not try. That's the part you have to get over, and the first step to that is to slow down and see what your next step is. Then take that step. Then evealuate the second one. And so on. Keep goin! It's so easy for other people to say "why don't you do so and so" but they don't realize that you dropped your tools somewhere down the road. You gotta backtrack and go find them.

LHB1977
06-21-2005, 06:10 PM
Well, FerretNose, I posted a reply but it disappeared! I don't understand! :?: It literally just disappeared! I don't have time to re-write it right now, but I will tomorrow! Thanks and I'm sorry! I don't know what happened?! :?: :?: :?:

Flower Power
06-23-2005, 10:29 AM
Thanks Quite-a-handfull...you really started the ball rolling. All of you are offering great insite. Don't think I can add much except to say Been there done that. It's been a slow process but at 54 I know how I sabotaged myself and I am not doing it anymore. I deserve better and SO DO ALL OF YOU. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness that you deserve. Your all worth it! Cindi

Onederchic
07-03-2009, 02:53 PM
I love this post. It is a real eye opener. I know it is an old one but I felt it was worthy of being brought back to life.

Mikayla
07-03-2009, 04:37 PM
I agree, this is a great post. I defiantly could have written it myself...you know if i were a writer.

I used to lie all the time and say I was on a diet, after awhile even I believed it and the I would be so frustrated when I didn't lose a pound. Well no kidding I didn't lose any weight I wasn't doing any work.

Onederchic
07-03-2009, 04:58 PM
I hear ya. I was 330 pounds and would make myself believe I wasn't "that big". That I was "normal". Frightening now looking back on it, really.

CLCSC145
07-03-2009, 05:14 PM
I was actually pretty honest with myself about not trying - the only lying I did was telling myself I didn't care. But boy do I see this in people in my life. This is what I think most of the time, too, when people say they are doing everything "right" and gaining weight. I know there have to be exceptions to the rule, but personal honesty is a real problem for some.

Seeing old posts like this does make me a bit sad when the original poster is no longer around. It makes me wonder if they ever conquered their food demons, are they still struggling, did they gain more, what would their life had been like over the last several years if they had beaten the weight problem. I hope for the best, but given the odds of this pursuit, the chances are not good...

Truffle
07-05-2009, 08:18 PM
Geez, I couldve written that, too! This is weird- I was actually doing some of this behavior this morning... complaining to my husband that my weight loss is stalled, something must be wrong with me, yadayada. But deep down i know that I haven't given it my all, not really. My program was to walk 5 times this week. What did I do? Only walked twice. I have at least been in control of my eating, but I have indeed slacked big time in writing it down.

I also have a habit of doing something (like certain exercise program or whatever) just 2 or 3 times, then getting frustrated because I don't see results. Then I complain that whatever it is isn't working- of course it's not working... I haven't given it near enough time to work. Then I complain that I've "tried everything and nothing works on me!" but in reality, I'm constantly switching techniques without giving it time or even my best effort.

You have totally opened my eyes to a concept, and it's an oldie but a goodie: we lie best when we lie to ourself. I just realized that what I have been doing is sabotaging my own efforts in order to not have to do them. I've been doing it by trying technique after technique, so that I could say to myself and others, "I've tried everything, it doesnt work, woe is me." I know this isn't very clear, but I'll bet some of you get my drift!

This is why I've been stalled after the novelty of losing the first 10 lbs came off. :o What a great thread!

For some reason, until I read this thread, I didn't realize that I've been doing the same thing, switching techniques, for many years. No wonder I haven't made any progress.

This is an excellent thread.