Lighten Up! - Employee Handbook With Pay

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06-01-2001, 06:44 PM
We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of
the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be
approved by both employee's supervisors.

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income Tax -244.40
Outcome Tax -45.21
State Tax -11.61
Interstate Tax -61.10
County Tax -6.11
City Tax -12.22
Rural Tax -4.44
Back Tax -1.11
Front Tax -1.16
Side Tax -1.61
Up Tax -2.22
Down Tax -1.11
Tic-Tacs -1.98
Thumbtacks -3.93
Carpet Tacks -0.98
Stadium Tax -0.69
Flat Tax -8.32
Surtax -3.46
Ma'am Tax -2.60
Parking Fee -5.00
No Pkg Fine -10.00
F.I.C.A. -81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund -9.95
Life Ins. -5.85
Health Ins. -16.23
Disability -2.50
Ability -0.25
Liability Ins. -3.41
Dental Ins. -4.50
Mental Ins. -4.33
Reassurance -0.11
Coffee -6.85
Coffee Cups -66.51
Calendar -3.06
Floor Rental -16.85
Chair Rental -0.32
Desk Rental -4.32
Union Dues -5.85
Union Don'ts -3.77
Cash Advances -0.69
Cash Retreats -121.35
Overtime -1.26
Undertime -54.83
Eastern Time -9.00
Central Time -8.00
Mtn Time -7.00
Pacific Time -6.00
Bath Time -4.44
Time Out -12.21
Oxygen -10.02
Water -16.54
Heat -51.42
Air -46.83
Misc -144.38
Take Home Pay: $0.02

06-02-2001, 12:37 PM
Too bad in some cases, this is sooooo close to reality!! :(

06-02-2001, 02:57 PM
Hey talk about reality-- that's my paycheck LOL

06-06-2001, 08:35 AM
This sounds like our employee manual! Great post.