Weight Loss Support - "compliments" that aren't?




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gray eyed girl
06-10-2005, 01:32 AM
Does anyone else get these as you lose weight? I hate it! A friend of mine commented that I'd lost a little bit of weight. I can't really see it so I asked how he could tell, and he said "well your face is less puffy."

:?: What am I supposed to say to that? I know that he meant well, he's just not very good at compliments. Still, isn't there a nicer way to say that? Perhaps, "it shows in your face" or something? Not "your face is less puffy."


Invidia
06-10-2005, 01:51 AM
Eh, I think it's a guy thing. My guy friends insult me without knowing it constantly.

A guy I know said, "Wow.. You're like .. not fat and ugly anymore. You're hot," which kinda peeved me until he added the hot thing. My older brother, who lives to annoy me, said, "Wow! You only have ONE chin now!"

konstine
06-10-2005, 02:33 AM
I think the best way to think of it is that they didn't notice anything until your physical aspects change. They notise the contrast, I think.

My boyfriend once grabbed my butt and went "Whoa! It actually is firm now!" (oh the horrors..) :( I guess it was pretty squishy beforehand..haha, but at least (a) he noticed, and (b) it was in a good way.


kykaree
06-10-2005, 05:19 AM
Men!!!! I am trying to teach the guys at my gym to give tactful compliments, with mixed success!!!!! Men just don't understand our hang-ups and they say stuff that to them sounds completely neutral, but to us is loaded and negative.

My boyfriend said to me the other week, oh your legs aren't nearly as bad now that you have started exercising - yeah, thanks for that!!! Oh and the classic, "oh my goodness you can see your pubes when you stand up, your stomach doesn't hang over them quite so much"

Sigh.......

Serafyn
06-10-2005, 06:14 AM
Oh good grief! Some of these comments are just plain pathetic! These guys really need some help! :lol:

I guess I'm luckier than I thought. My husband is living and working hours away from me, and has been for the last year. We talk on the phone in the evenings, and I see him about every other weekend. Sometimes, even at this distance he can really make me wonder WHAT I was thinking when I got together with him. But today he was lovely. I've just recently reached the weight I was when I met him, and I was telling him that I bought some clothes that fit me better and wore them out today and got tons of compliments and it made feel so good. He said, in this "well, duh!" voice, "That certainly doesn't surprise me! I've always thought you had a beautiful shape. In fact, even at your highest weight, you just looked plain GOOD to me." :dizzy: Wow! Sometimes he blows me away! :love:

But he ain't seen nuthin' yet! I'm going to go the distance and really blow him away! ;)

Ahealthierme
06-10-2005, 09:47 AM
eep! I definetly think it's a guy thing. Men have absolutely no tact, but if it makes you feel any better I think his heart was in the right place....still "puffy" is one adjective a man should *NEVER* use to describe a woman. :lol:

TheNewChristy
06-10-2005, 10:28 AM
Oh and the classic, "oh my goodness you can see your pubes when you stand up, your stomach doesn't hang over them quite so much"

Sigh.......

HAHAHAHAHA!! I have never heard that but it gave me the funniest mental picture--I can't describe it, I might get kicked off the board. LOL Note to self--don't read 3FC board at work or you will frighten your office mates with bursts of uncontrollable laughter... :lol: :dizzy:

paperclippy
06-10-2005, 10:55 AM
My boyfriend once grabbed my butt and went "Whoa! It actually is firm now!"

:rofl: My boyfriend said almost the exact same thing to me! He was a little more tactful though, it was more like "Hey, your butt is getting pretty firm!" and said more in a "good job!" sort of way. :lol: He keeps telling me I should be careful not to get too pumped up or lose too much weight, because he likes my belly and arms and stuff to be soft! He was like "if you get your stomach all firm, I won't be able to use it for a pillow anymore!"

lucky
06-10-2005, 11:04 AM
There is no question about it, guys can be amazingly dense when it comes to complimenting women. However, we sometimes dig our own holes by fishing for more than we asked for (unintentionally, of course!). By asking how he could tell instead of ending with, "I have lost weight, thanks for noticing." you probably caught him of guard. He wasn't prepared to think past his own nose so he spurted out what he was REALLY thinking. Just remember, the important thing is that he noticed - not HOW he noticed.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you did anything wrong. But after many years of marriage and having two sons, I've learned the hard way that there is ALWAYS risk in asking guys a loaded question (Do I look fat in these jeans?) LOL.

marbleflys
06-10-2005, 11:23 AM
I once weighed over 200 lbs.....and work in a large medical facility....I was writing at the counter by the nurse's station and one of the doctors yells across the clinic "WOW,YOU SURE HAVE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT!!!!" Needless to say, there were about 15 people who heard him....I was mortified. He thought he was being complimentary....

So I walked up to him and said (quietly)..."Oh so you thought I was a fat pig before?"

he wound up bringing me starbucks every morning for a month or two. :devil: :s:

almostheaven
06-10-2005, 11:25 AM
I'm going to agree with the "it's a guy thing" aspect and approach this from a different angle. I ran into an old high school buddy of mine about 3 years after high school. I was 132 when I left high school. I was over 160 when we met again. The first words out of his mouth were "Dang girl! What happened? You used to look GOOD in high school!" Followed by a quick and pathetic back peddle of "Uhhh, I mean, ummm, I didn't mean it that way!" All I could do was burst out laughing at how red his face was upon realizing how that had come out.

Now he saw me progress over the years to my highest weight up until I moved away. So when I went to visit the family back in September, I stopped in to see him. The first words out of his mouth were "Dang girl! You're TOO skinny!" He didn't back peddle on that one. LOL!

leannealise
06-10-2005, 01:12 PM
Yep, it's guys!! My male best friend, ironically enough his name is Guy, told me yesterday..."Nan, you look SO much BETTER!". I just looked at him. I couldn't respond. So I smiled and walked away. He doesn't understand that I hear what he is saying as, "You used to look SO HORRIBLE!". I understand that I was a little heavier a month ago but I didn't think I look that terrible. Oh well, at least my husband understood that it was mean :) And he on the other hand always says THE MOST WONDERFUL things to me. He compliments me ALL of the time! The only thing he is bummed about are my boobs getting smaller ;)

almostheaven
06-10-2005, 09:50 PM
The only thing he is bummed about are my boobs getting smaller ;)
It's a guy thing. :lol:

itsmyturnnow
06-11-2005, 06:13 AM
I for one can hardly wait til someone says something to me. Anything I dont care. I just want it to be noticable. Because when the day come when somebody says gee you've lost a lot of weight you look good now. I am going to stand tall and say "YEP!! I SURE DO!!!!" I will have worked hard for it and by golly I will have EARNED IT. You ladies be PROUD of your weight losses!!!!!!! You want them to notice, YOU HAVE EARNED IT!!!!!! They're MEN who cares how they say it, as long as they say it.

kykaree
06-11-2005, 06:18 AM
Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you did anything wrong. But after many years of marriage and having two sons, I've learned the hard way that there is ALWAYS risk in asking guys a loaded question (Do I look fat in these jeans?) LOL.

LOL I was walking with my dh in the city and walked passed a big window, I was wearing a slinky knit t-shirt which I didn't realise but made my bum too enormous. I said to dh "oh my goodness I didn't realise this top was so unflattering and makes my bum look huge", dh looks at me and says "you look no worse in that than you do in any of your other clothes"

I was completely devastated!!!! Until I realised he was trying to say "don't worry you look fine in whatever you wear" but it soooooooooooo didn't come out like that!!!!! My dh has been married twice before - you think he would have learnt something by now!!!!!

MorticiaAddams
06-11-2005, 09:55 AM
Totally a guy thing :p
I can not post how I was refered about my weight loss in my stomach area as it is just to bad.
but yes the butt not to big thing,, or dont lose it in the chest :mad: ... I can now poke your belly button..... ( Like I want you to any how ).... You have less flab under your arms now... Yeah i have heard a bunch.. Men can be real morons sometimes but getting them trying to make up for their big mouths can also be worth it when your getting dinner made and roses and all the other perks called BIG MOUTH PERK :lol:

Solus
06-11-2005, 12:08 PM
I WISH it was just a guy thing. My own MOTHER said this to me: "I'm glad you're losing weight, you were starting to look raunchy. You look SOO much better NOW"

That, of course, was probably when I weighed about 150lbs less than I do know. At the time I thought...My own MOTHER thinks I'm ugly? I MUST be disgusting!! I was still an insecure teen at the time so it totally devastated me. I won't blame my mother, because she didn't force the food in my mouth, but at the time I spiraled into a terrible depression and gained about 30lbs right away.

It's funny, NOW I am sooo much more confident even though I am soooo much fatter. I don't give a rats arse what OTHER people think of my looks. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself and my health.

Anyway...small rant there, sorry.

gray eyed girl
06-11-2005, 04:51 PM
I think it really is a guy thing. And really I AM glad that someone noticed. Thankfully this was not my husband. He's well trained ;) and has cheered me on every step and ounce of the way so far. He tells me that I'm even hotter now and compliments me often. He is a wonderful inspiration. So at least I have hope that my son will know how to compliment properly ;).

jawsmom, I completely understand your point. I probably did catch him off guard a little bit. He caught me off guard too! I hadn't been able to see any change at all up to that point. I am starting to notice a little bit now, which is exciting. It's not that big a deal really. I've been friends with this guy longer than I've known my husband so I know that he really did mean well, and that makes me feel better. Plus, as you said, what matters is that he noticed at all.

gypzye
06-11-2005, 07:04 PM
Hehe, that's funny.... it's not solely guy territory, though. My (girl) friend saw me at the gym the other day and said "Wow, you look great!! You're getting so skinny, wow.....I mean, not that you were like a total pig before or anything, I just mean you look great!!"

lol...... I know she meant well. :)

lucky
06-12-2005, 10:54 AM
Grey eyed girl,

It sounds like your future daughter in law is going to be in good hands. And you are lucky to have your husband behind you 100%. I know I could never have made it as far as I have without the support of mine. Bless his heart. He compliments me so sincerely and in such a nice manner. It is the conversation AFTER his compliments that go awry and that is ALWAYS my fault.

I have never told my husband how much I weighed. I mentioned the other day that once I get to my goal weight I want him to guess how much I weighed when I started. Oh, the look of horror on this poor man's face. He has flat out refused to participate and I can't say that I blame him! On second thought I agreed with him that it was a bad idea. I'd probably be offended if he guessed correctly!

Men - I guess they think that if we ask them a question we want to hear the TRUTH! LOL.

mom of 3
06-12-2005, 11:32 PM
Reading these posts has been a hoot!

Of course I have some of my own to add. At a friend of mine's wedding a couple of years ago an older gentleman that I had not seen for a while approached me and said "Wow girl you have really been packing it on since I last saw you." I just looked at him and said "You know that really wasn't nice." Oh well what are ya gonna do.

I work with nearly all men and one of them said to me that I was looking really nice and asked how much weight I had lost so I told him and then said that I was looking to lose about another 35 lbs and he said "Do you have enough weight on your frame to lose that much more? What are you trying to do get back to what you weighed in high school?" I told him no I would have to lose another 65 lbs to be at my high school weight. God Bless him, I felt so good after he said that.

My favorite non weight loss "compliment" is when a guy would come up to me and say "Hey you're not too bad lookin' for a redhead." to which my response would be "Really, you're not too bad lookin' for an ******* either!" :lol:

FerretNose
06-13-2005, 12:22 AM
Bwahahaha! "Not too bad lookin for an a-hole", I love it!

I hate to pick on the guys (well, not really :devil: ) but have you ever noticed how they interact with each other? I have heard my hubby and his best friends saying things to each other that, if my best friend had said to me, I'd cry or kick her a**! One of his buddies came over and said to him, "Dude, she's feedin you real good, huh." and smacked him on the gut. Then they just laughed. WTH?

oh, here's an even better example. I noticed that every time my hubby would talk on the phone to one of his friends (one he's had since childhood), he'd be like, "Hey, cap'n hook, whatcha doin" the same way I'd say to my best friend, "hey chick, whatcha doin". So after awhile of course I HAD to ask why he was nicknamed "captain hook". He told me his friend had a very crooked, er, part, and they had always picked on him about it since elementary. Huh? If my best friend made a cute nickname out of one of my flaws... wahhh!

Yet another friend he calls "FatJoe', like that, all in one word. They have always called him that. He doesn't mind, doesn't even seem to notice. Like it was his actual name.

I guess most guys are less inclined to... take physical attributes as seriously as we do. They don't sit there and pick apart every word someone says. They didn't spend buttloads of time and energy in high school trying to interpret every comment someone made about their physical appearance. I did. Now the only person's comments I pick apart are my husband's.

The worst one he gave me was, I had just bought a pair of size 11/12 jeans, and i have not been able to get in that size jeans for 12 years. I had been busting my butt with diet and exercise, and finally saw a tiny fruit of my labor. They didn't look great, but they did fit, and I was basking in the glory of just that, until.... da-da-da-daaaa! Along comes Chris and says, "Wow! once you get rid of that roll right there (actually points to it) those will look perfect!" :mad:

Of course he didn't understand why that made me cry.

StarAngel2528
06-13-2005, 10:35 AM
HeHe, I like this tread! My fiancee doesn't really give me any complients.. he's more like "I don't want you to loss anymore, I like you the way you are. Want to go eat Mcdonalds??"

I did get one bad complient tho, a girl from work said "wow, you gut is getting a little smaller" I kno she meant well, but the wording wasn't quite right.

Tealeaf
06-13-2005, 03:18 PM
I know I'm going against the grain here, but I don't really see what is wrong with most of these compliments. I'm fat. I know that by the standards of this culture, I don't look as good as someone who is of healthy weight. Yes, I have a large gut, and double chin, and puffy face.

As I go through the process of losing weight, I'm *hoping* that someone notices that the above are gone! I'm certainly not going to look for ways to be offended when people compliment me for looking better than I did before.

I'm not trying to be hostile here, but I really don't see what the complaint is here.

gray eyed girl
06-13-2005, 03:47 PM
tealeaf, I think you raise a good question. I guess for me, the issue is not so much whether or not I have a gut, or double chin, or a puffy face, it's that I think there's a nicer way to compliment than to point out that I have those things. Does that make any sense? Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that my friend noticed. I just think that there's a nicer way for him to say he noticed than to point out that yes, I really am fat and have a puffy face. I know I do, he knows I do, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about it when I'm trying to stay motivated to change that. KWIM?

leannealise
06-13-2005, 05:56 PM
My main complaint is that there is a nice way to say something and a not so nice way to say something. I personally would rather be told that I look really good vs being told that I don't look like such a fat pig anymore. Call me crazy but a compliment should be just that...a COMPLIMENT. I don't want to feel worse after getting one, I would rather feel better.

FerretNose
06-13-2005, 06:34 PM
For me, it's kind of like the time in 5th grade when I was struggling really hard to keep my math grade up. I mean really hard. All my other grades were great, but that one. I studied and practiced till my brain was going to explode and my eyeballs were falling out, for weeks.

Then I finally got my report card. On the bus ride home I was so happy it made me giddy. I had gotten a high C, which brought up my grade from a high F! yay me! Then I run inside to show the card to my daddy, who I thought the sun rose and set upon... and I hear "Well that's okay, hon, but I'll be really impressed when it's an A." :?: Be impressed now! Didn't you notice how hard I worked?

I can honestly overlook less than glowing compliments from an aquaintance, coworker, whatever. But when it's coming from someone whose opinion truly has an impact on my self-esteem,(parents, husband, child, younger cousins who look up to me, best friends) it can be a huge letdown, making me feel like I'll never get there, and I'm just going to fail and fail.

I know some people can take a compliment and enjoy it, no matter what angle it comes from. I would like to feel that way as well, and I have been working for years to take people more at their word. It's a smidgen of co-dependency, when it comes to my husband. I let his (perceived on my part) behavior dictate my self-esteem sometimes. Used to be all the time, but he told me it was unfair to him and to myself that the burden of my emotional well being rest on him alone. He made a rule in which there is no putting down on myself or my body in our household. He has banished what he calls the "itty bitty shitty committee". I'm not cured yet, but I'm much better.

Damn, that man is wise for being only 37 years old. Lost of men would turn such a weakness to their advantage!

Sorry! didn't mean to hijack the thread! :D

Serafyn
06-13-2005, 06:35 PM
Okay Val (Mom of 3), I cracked up when I read your post: "you don't look bad for an *******" :lol: I didn't even realize it was you at first! Here I am on a completely different thread, and you are still cracking me up! You are the greatest!

By the way, that reminds me of a story from years ago. I was in a play and was helping work on the set and I was wearing my glasses, which I didn't do very often then. It was contacts most of the time. Anyway,this guy I had only met a few days before (a dancer and a carpenter for the theater) comes up to me, and right in front of a bunch of other people I was just getting to know, says, "Wow! You look so much more intelligent with your glasses on." For the first (and probably only) time in my life, I actually had an instant and perfect response. I turned to him and said, "Really? Well, that's interesting, because, you know...you don't look ANY more intelligent when I have my glasses on!" :s: He was stunned for a moment, and then started laughing and said, "Touche'!" We became friends after that, although later that year I had to chastise him privately for telling a mutual friend that he thought he'd really like to be in a relationship with me if I just lost a little weight. :eek: Um...I weighed like 135-140 lbs at that time and looked pretty darned good. :dunno: Hard to please and a jerk. Not my type.

StarAngel2528
06-14-2005, 11:04 AM
I have a new one from last night.

Me and my friend from work have both been dieting and she has pretty good sized breasts, anyway, one of our team leads comes over to talk to us and he's staring at her chest and she's like "what are you looking at?" and he's like "you've been lossing weight!" Now, there's a man for ya!

AmberJoy
06-14-2005, 04:02 PM
It hurts, it all hurts, but I'm too the point where I'm just numb. My grandma recently was talking to me about weight loss and I told her I had been bulimic for 2 years (hoping that she could realize some of my food issues...) and she lit up and said "oh does that work? I've been thinking of trying that, of course my weight has never been as serious a problem as yours...." ouch. what do you say to that?

gray eyed girl
06-14-2005, 04:15 PM
oh my gosh, AmberJoy, are you serious? :s: That's really sad, honestly. I will never understand why eating disorders are suddenly "cool." On another site I visit there are TONS of groups that just exhalt anorexia/bulimia to this godly status. It's really frightening to see these young girls willingly damaging their bodies this way. Anorexia is bad. It almost killed a friend of mine in HS before her parents got her into treatment. It's really, really sad to see someone older react that way when told that their grandchild has SUFFERED from one of these diseases.

I'm so sorry she wasn't supportive or even understanding of what something like bulimia does to a person. I hope that you give yourself a lot of credit and encouragement for being able to recognize that there is a healthier way to be. You deserve recognition for that, and for the challenges I'm sure you've faced.

2frustrated
06-14-2005, 04:57 PM
Amber Joy, your grandma sounds worse than mine! :lol:

My granny (a name she hates..) said of my weightloss, "You'll have to keep it off, cos your mum just put it all back on again," Infront of me, my fiance and yes, you guessed it, my mother (her DAUGHTER!). Not, "Ooooh congratulations, that must've taken some work!" Or, "Wow, you look so good!" Just a backhanded criticism of my mother and a chastisement for me! :dunno:

AmberJoy
06-14-2005, 05:14 PM
Gray eyed girl, thank you for being for more understanding than most people are of my past eating disorders. That means a lot to me. You are right it is a very disturbing idea that they have become 'cool'- if you research online there is actually a dieaty (im not making this up) named awna. to whom young women contribute giving them the will power to do such harmful things to their bodies. I never did "worship" this "deity" however I do hope that the experiences I had can help me prevent others from cinsidering it. I have chronic heartburn and I burned all the enamel on my teeth, causing to root canals. By all means, its not somthing to take lightly and I'm dissapointed by soiceties views on it. But I'm thankful to the support I have from people like you! 2frustrated- im sorry your grandma is insensitive too- its the worst isnt it??

AmberJoy
06-14-2005, 05:19 PM
I didn't spell some words right in my last post. The diety is named Ana. That's really all I know about it.

mom of 3
06-14-2005, 05:25 PM
Sorry about your grannies, sometimes my mom says things without thinking first and can be hurtful but most of the time she is supportive and wonderful.

AmberJoy, I hope you are very proud of yourself for doing what it takes to become more healthy! Hooray for you! I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work!

Andrea, hee hee, I'm glad I can make you laugh. The redhead comment has always been one that stuck in my crawl. I always wanted to ask "so how do I look for a blonde?" I really like your comeback for the guy with glasses comment. Reminds me of a time when this really nice looking guy asked me out and I always felt I should be up front about the fact that I had a son, so I told him and he said "So, whats that got to do with me and you?" Okay, at least I had the good sense not to go out with that one. Probably just about the only loser jerk I didn't date. :lol:

kykaree
06-14-2005, 06:46 PM
My mum waged the battle of my bulge all my teenage years, I can't tell you how many times I have consoled myself with food over something she said. And when I finally accepted myself as fat, that seemed to make things a hundred times worse. Now in my 30's it's like I have shaken my demons, and I am doing it my way, the slow, healthy way. Bless her, mum said a couple of weeks ago "you know I love you at whatever weight you are" that meant more to me than she will ever know.

Hugs to you AmberJoy, bullimia is sooooooo misunderstood, I am grateful to have never had that problem but think there for the grace go I.

I don't think there is a woman alive with a weight problem or issues that can't trace it back to family issues somewhere along the line. I am just so grateful to have you all that understand, without having to explain it. Thank you!!!!