[cbeckett]

My daughter (14) and I (40) have been on Weight Watchers since last April. We have both made lifetime.Me in August her this January. She lost over 30 lbs. And I am soooo proud of her. Her original Life time goal was 125, but she ended up reaching lifetime at 135. She started at 178. So I am happy, even though she could lose another 10 lbs, I have not said anything about that and I feel I have given her nothing but praise. The thing is yesterday I caught her sneaking a 2pt bar. I didn't mind her having it but she was really hiding it, like she had done something wrong. At first she denied having anything thing but then she came clean and told me it was a 2pt bar. I told her she had no reason to hide that. BUT the FACT IS SHE DID, and I don't understand why. I have also found cheese stick wrapers in her pants pockets as well. SO she is sneaking all kinds of food. I don't want to minimize her accomplishments... but she heading right back up. What can I do? Does anyone else sneak food? Why?
Any help would be appreciated.
thanks
Cyndie

[NYCT1981]

Hi Cyndie!

hmmm i don't sneak food... but i did when I was a kid. I think the problem is that I had the mentality that #1, I was fat and #2 certain foods were "off limits." So i would sneak them and eat them in my room... sometimes in large quantities. I don't know where this "off limits" mentality came from, maybe from my parents, who i thought wanted me to lose weight.

I don't know you or your daughter, so don't take this the wrong way, but if your daughter is 14 and you are playing a role in her weight loss, it is possible that she's going to have issues with food in the long run. my feeling is that since you are playing a role in the loss, she feels accountable to you. maybe somehow she is feeling a lot of pressure from you... i dont know, i am of course not a psychiatrist. But, in my experience, I never wanted my parents to know that I was eating ice cream, cookies, etc, i guess out of shame. So instead of eating an ice cream out in the open, i'd sneak the carton... didn't exactly make that much sense.

i'm just speaking from experience and I think the best thing to do is just not be hung up on her weight. even the praise could work against you because she'll feel a lot of pressure to keep the weight off. just encourage her to exercise regularly and eat right and that NO foods should be off limits if eaten in moderation and above all, she is beautiful and wonderful (etc etc) at ANY weight. maybe she shouldnt be on weight watchers where she has to watch and count everything she eats.

anyway, i have gotten past (for the most part) these types of food issues by listening to my body and eating every couple of hours and making the best choices most of the time... but never denying myself anything. best of luck!!

[CackyDoodle]

My heart goes out to both of you. I did sneak food when I was about her age, and my parents didn't know what to do with me. They ended up putting locks on the cupboards and fridge because they couldn't keep food in thehouse. I don't recommend
that solution at all.

My first reaction is let her know it's her choice whatever she wants to eat, you love her no matter what she weighs, and if she wants more food, buy her some. And I would encourage her to check out OA. I don't know if this is right, I just know what I wish my parents had done. I'm 40 now and have been battling food obsession since puberty, and I'm just now learning how important it is to me to feel in control, meaning I'm the one who's deciding what I can eat. So where I'm sitting, I'm thinking it's not something you can do for someone else. Don't know what I'd do if it were my kid though.

My parents would ask if I had eaten something, telling me I wasn't in trouble but they just wanted to know, and still I lied. I don't know if it's because they really were mad and couldn't hide that from me... just another something to think about.

ETA my DH does not give me a hard time about my weight at all. he is concerned for my health but other than that he's fine with it. he's a rare bird. anyway, it was still a good 10 years before I was in a place to lose the weight for myself. so if you go the unconditional positive regard route, just know that she may not choose to keep it off.

[Susanna]

Dear Friends I sneaked food when I was a kid and now sneak food from my kids, which has its own humiliation. I know that food and weight was way too important in my family when I was a kid my Mom hates fat people and my dad was the first compulsive overeater I ever met. When I went to Overeaters Anonymous I saw and heard that there are many like me, maybe it would help you too. Adolescence as I see in my girls (13 and 14) is a time they need to separate from us as painful as Ifind it. I think that my best advise is to not make food an issue and save your battles for other areas like sex and homework. I'll be praying for you Susanna

[ellis]

Wow, what wonderfully supportive comments, girls.

Cyndie, I've been sneaking food since my late teens. (I'm 40)
I would be inclined to go the non confrontational route. If you catch your daughter sneaking food, give her a big hug and let her know that you're not there to judge her, but just to be there for her. (I'm not suggesting you're judging her now... I think you know what I mean...)

My relationship with my 15 year old DD (she suffers from depression) is so tenuous in that she's a teen! I can't afford to relax my "grip" on her. Every now and then I see "that teenage look". The little rebellious one that says, "I'm slipping away. You're not on my wave-length. You're not cool, you're just my mom." And I reach for her, and hug her, and tickle her to make her laugh, and I say, "Hey! What's going on in that clever head of yours!?" And we'll sit down together and have a little chat and giggle about things, and I'll think, "Thank you, God! One more hump is behind us!"

I guess what I'm saying (in a roundabout way) is that you need to keep the lines of communication open. If your daughter feels that you're going to be judging her when she sneaks food, then she's certainly going to make a greater effort not to be caught. Not to make light of it, but even laughing together about it is very healing. We're only human, and we're going to make mistakes.

Sending you and your daughter hugs and prayers...

[cbeckett]

THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR WONDERFUL REPLIES. I talked alittle with her last night about it. I really don't want to make to much about it and you all said what I was thinking. She needs to make her own choices and I can be there to LOVE HER.
Just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything. She's a really cool kid.

Ellis- I loved what you said about you and your daughter. My daughter and I right now are best friends. She's getting ready to go to the wild and wonderful world of high school next year and I know I'll slip down the list some. SO I'm enjoying being #1 right now.

Thanks all and I'll keep you up to date.
Cyndie

[ellis]

Cyndie, I'm always afraid of putting my foot in my mouth when I reply to posts.
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes... I'm SO glad you've got such a good relationship with your daughter. You'll still be number one, sweetie. It's obvious that you're a wonderful mother.