Weight Loss Support - Anyone have relationship issues because your depressed?




DaisyLily
04-18-2005, 05:55 PM
My Fiance and I have been fighting a lot lately. I've been really depressed because of my weight. He said things have to change (he's right) but he said if they don't within the next two weeks it's over because we can't keep living like this. He is out of town now but asks me what I've done to change and did I stick with the Schedule he set up for me. We end up fighting because of this too. I tried to get him to understand that I have to do it myself and he can't force me to. I am trying but I think 2 weeks is a short time limit. He says he doesn't look at it as two weeks but 6 months (that is when I started going down hill) I know he wants what is best for both of us but all I do now is cry. I've decided that I am going to stick to a schedule for those two weeks and put myself first. Whatever happens between us is secondary. But I can't stop thinking about it. It's helped me not ruin my diet though. I think I can't risk gaining. Anyone else been through somehting simililar?

Edit in: He is not asking me to lose weight, just to get motivated and stop being depressed. I know my depression is about weight and feeling out of control. Just want to make sure it didn't sound like he was demanding I lose weight. I was overweight when we met and when he proposed.
And plus I'm about to start my period so I'm ubber emotional!


newfiesara
04-18-2005, 06:01 PM
What do you mean "schedule"? What type of schedule?

DaisyLily
04-18-2005, 06:13 PM
He wants me to wake up at 6, work out, go look for a job and then clean until 5. Then from 5 to bed do whatever I want. Like what I would do if I had a job. It's realistic and basicly what I made for myself too. I don't think he is being unrealistic or mean. I have been in such a lazy rut lately that we both know something has to change.


ThatbabyMadeMeFat
04-18-2005, 06:22 PM
He wants me to wake up at 6, work out, go look for a job and then clean until 5. Then from 5 to bed do whatever I want. Like what I would do if I had a job. It's realistic and basicly what I made for myself too. I don't think he is being unrealistic or mean. I have been in such a lazy rut lately that we both know something has to change.

Ummm...

Ummm.....

HELLO?!

This guy is your fiance? He sounds like your WARDEN. He has a SCHEDULE for you?! What are you? An infant? He is telling you when to clean and wake up???

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but JEEEEEEZ-UZZZZZZZZZ.

I hope you haven't paid the caterer yet.

Listen girl, NO ONE can make you do things. You have to WANT THEM FOR YOURSELF. You cannot lose weight for anyone. You cannot work out for anyone. And you certainly can't motivate yourself to do ANYTHING if the man you love is down on you and treating you like a child and dictating how you spend your time.

Why are you in a "lazy rut?" Have you thought about why?

I'm sure there are good reasons why you haven't found a job yet. I'm sure there are good reasons why you are in a rut. But girl, all I know is during each of our journeys we need SUPPORT. We need hugs and kisses and ego boosting and UNCONDITIONAL love. Not rules. Yikes.

Tell your fiance to get off your back. You can ONLY DO THIS FOR YOU.

DaisyLily
04-18-2005, 06:31 PM
Yeah, this is why we fight. He doesn't know what to do to help me, Honestly I don't know what he can do either. I know I have to do it and I am trying. Nothing is set or paid for yet. :p

2frustrated
04-18-2005, 06:41 PM
OUCH!

Maybe he's just trying to give you a kick up the bum! Maybe he's not really gonna call it off (I hope, cos that's just a BIT drastic!). I guess if it's a schedule you want to do then go for it, if not, make up your own and tell him it suits you better, maybe that's a compromise?

I do get depressed and I am under a fair bit of stress at the moment. I used to get nagged about eating Mac D's and KFC but it's never been a HUGE deal between me and my fiance. He tells me he'd love me even if my boobs dropped off! (So I guess he would love me if I weighed more than I did when I met him!)

I find it encouraging if he comes for a run with me, or gets me off by butt to go for a walk, maybe try asking your fiance to come out for a brisk walk with you, or get him to join a gym with you or take you swimming, that's more the kind of schedule I'd like! And it's more fun with two, and he'll get fit into the bargain! Even if he's super buff and like a rake, everyone can benefit from exercise!

newfiesara
04-18-2005, 07:15 PM
Wow, I could never tolerate someone giving me an ultimatum such as the one that you're facing. I really feel bad that I can't speak from this exact experience, but... how much control do you want someone ELSE to have over your own mental well-being or happiness? That's just crazy!

You need to resolve this, and I'm sorry I don't know anything to tell you to do.
But you can do it, with or without his "help".

ThatbabyMadeMeFat
04-18-2005, 07:46 PM
I know what he can do to help you..

He can be kind instead of being critical. He can encourage you when you stay on plan and back off if you don't :)
He can offer constructive advice other than beat you down (It sorta sounds to me like he is being pretty harsh).

I dunno.. if someone nags me about something, it makes me want to rebel. :) I can act all teenager-y like that. But if my husband is sweet and kind and encouraging it makes me feel good about myself so I take better care of myself.

Besides, if people could just "stop being depressed" I don't think that there would be such a huge demand for antidepressents and therapy. How does he know it's so easy! And how would he like YOU to act if he gained weight and lost HIS job? maybe you need to remind him about the whole "for better or for worse" thingy.

kykaree
04-19-2005, 02:47 AM
I'm not sure whether it's just the way it's coming across, it is really hard to describe things on message boards sometimes, but he sounds very controlling. I agree with everyone else. You really need support at this time, and friendly encouragement, your beating yourself up enough on your own, you don't need someone else to do it. If I have learnt one thing during the last four months, it is that if you have a positive attitude to yourself and your weight loss journey, life is so much easier.

My partner has gone from jeopardising my weight loss to be being a wonderful supporter. I didn't do anything to make that happen, just everytime he was being negative, or doing something stupid (like demanding I bring him cake and stuff) I would just smile and ignore him. He has now realised he just has to get with the program.

If you don't have support outside your relationship, look for someone...a group, a gym, friends, family whatever. Find something outside the relationship to help keep you motivated.

And smile! You're gorgeous and you are losing weight, you're fabulous!!!!!

BethMichelle1011
04-19-2005, 10:47 AM
Daisy Lily-What you said clicked with me so much, it's terrible but I'm trying to lose weight with a pretty unsupportive boyfriend....I mean don't get me wrong he's supportive and all but only when I do it his way and according to him i should NEVER EVER eat fast food and I should exercise like an hour+ a day, and all this stuff.....oh and of course no sweets, and if I do I usually get the "is that a diet food".
I have also been depressed lately and my boyfriend have been arguing more and more....I think the main reason has to do with how I'm ont happy with myself or my weight and therefore I'm finding other things to complain about so i don't have to focus on myself......It's so hard, plus my boyfriend and I love together. Often times I feel needy towards him, and what makes it even worse I don't talk to any of my friends anymore, I have like 2 I still talk to, but one livies 2 hours away, the other has a very busy schedule with school and stuff....so it's pretty much me & him and I put him before myself, if he's home I head right home, but if i know he's not home thats when I decide to let myself go do things. I know it's not right and want to change it but I have no idea where to start.....and of course if he goes out to do things and i'm not included (which is alot of the time), i get offended and hurt and complain/etc...which usually boils into other fights....it's crazy...


but anyways sorry for the ramble just had to vent a little I guess, the point of this was that I'm going through a similar situation and if you would like to be buddies I would love it:)

lucky
04-20-2005, 02:53 PM
Everybody has periods of depression - life isn't all sunshine and roses. But, if you have been depressed for any length of time you need to see your doctor. You need to determine if your depression is situational or medical. You've said that you are depressed because of your weight. It may very well be that the depression feeds your weight rather than the other way around. Only a doctor can tell you for sure.

As for your boyfriend - well, ultimatums are not condusive to a healthy relationship. But, consider his point of view. Making an ultimatum as a last ditch effort to help someone you love is one thing but if he has a pattern of making demands to get what he wants you will be just as well off letting him follow through with his threat to end the relationship. If you believe that he's just at his wits end and doesn't know how to handle it then you have to talk to him. Create a plan for yourself and show him why it will work. And if you aren't at the point that you are ready to make any changes at all you should tell him so. It is all about compromise.

Now, please don't think I am defending your boyfriend but put some thought into how he got to this point of frustration. I know I've had weeks when I just couldn't motivate myself to get things done and my husband doesn't say a word. BUT, if I walk around down in the mouth, complain and whine about not wanting to do anything all the while lamenting that the house is a wreck, and generally making everyone else in the house miserable with my attitude then he is very likely to call me on it and suggest that I either get my rear in gear and do what needs to be done or stop my whining. Like it or not, we all need a kick in the pants every now and then. The key is knowing where the other person is coming from - concern for you or selfishness.

Jman1
04-20-2005, 04:34 PM
Your fiance's attitude isn't the most helpful one for dealing with depression. Maybe you can get him to compromise by promising to take one step towards recovery. Perhaps calling a psychologist and setting up a consultation. Two weeks is pretty unrealistic, but if he sees that you are taking steps in the right direction, he might feel a little better about the whole situation.

Don't go and marry him until you're sure he's going to be okay with you for the long haul, of course. :)

LKTS
04-20-2005, 04:47 PM
I have to agree that this sounds a little controlling of him from how you describe it. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he really wants to see you happy and healthy. However, as someone else said, if we could just 'stop being depressed' we would! Consider getting some outside support so that this stops being a control issue between the two of you - see a nutritionist or a personal trainer to find a way of eating and exercising that will work with your lifestyle; see a therapist or a psychiatrist if you think you are depressed and would benefit from that, etc.

Food and relationships can be tricky, but remind him that you need his support, not his censure; thank him for his help, but don't expect him to be your food and exercise monitor. (My opinion, anyway.)