Weight Loss Support - Inevitable question

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03-23-2005, 10:10 AM
I am starting to not want to tell people how much I have lost. I feel embarassed about the number, like people are still judging me by the weight I am. I mean, I know it is obvious that I have lost weight - but I almost want to make it seem like it isn't as much as it is.

I have been asking my husband to tell people he doesn't know the number, he thinks I am crazy. I have always been private about my weight, this is the first time I have even been able to admit the actual number to anyone, and I still haven't told my husband the number - but he isn't really even interested.

Are they still judging me by my weight? Will it ever end?

03-23-2005, 10:24 AM
I think the problem is that YOU are still judging yourself by your weight. You aren't that person anymore and there is nothing to be ashamed of. You really need to change your thinking. You have obviously worked extremely hard to loose 70lbs. Claim that victory! I have lost 36lbs and I will shout that number from the rooftops to anyone who wants to know. I will tell them how I did it. How long it took. The only thing I won't tell them is my weight. That I reserve for my husband and these boards! A girl has to keep some secrets!
My suggestion would be to read Dr Phil's book. It really helps you change the way you think about yourself and your weight. I know it helped me a lot. :dance:

03-23-2005, 10:48 AM
Before I started losing weight, I never would've told anyone my highest weight (256 lbs.), but now I don't mind telling people because I'm no longer that person. By the way, keep up the good work, hon!

03-23-2005, 10:53 AM
Thanks! I really thought that I would be happy to tell people the number lost, but as it increases I feel more and more embarassed about it. When I get to my goal it will be somewhere around 100 pounds - at that point I may feel differently.
It seems like people have good intentions, and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I just hate that once-over look. I just know they are "sizing me up".

03-23-2005, 10:54 AM
I know Oprah talks about "owning" your weight. I've struggled with this a lot. I remember when I first told my husband my weight. He didn't leave me, he didn't act disgusted, he was like "oh." No biggy. After that, I was able to be honest about my weight. It got easier. When I was pregnant and weighed 278 pounds, I was still able to get weighed in front of my husband. I would suggest you reveal the number to your husband or someone else close to you that you trust. When they don't freak out, you'll feel better. I've been overweight for most of my life, since childhood, and I think that's where the shyness about the number came from for me. But you're an adult now. No one will tease you. They'll appreciate how hard you've worked!

03-23-2005, 10:56 AM
shout it out- you lost 61 lbs! that's an awesome number! I've lost 28 lbs and I know people come up to me and ask what I've been doing and how much have I lost- be PROUD! I say "about 30 lbs and 3 pant sizes". You've obviously worked hard for it- now is your time to get recognized for all your hard work!

keep it up! you're doing great! :balloons:

03-23-2005, 11:01 AM
I can sympathize with you, KTna. I've gotton a lot of attention from friends and strangers about my weight loss over the last couple years and it can be a little uncomfortable for me, especially the attention from acquaintances/strangers.

It's not telling them numbers that bothers me so much as how much of a huge deal they make of it. I'm happy that I'm getting healthy, and I'm proud of new active lifestyle, but all the attention I get reinforces that feeling of being judged by my appearance. It's gotten a lot easier though, as time has passed. I'm learning to gracefully accept a compliment without passing it through the filter of "what must they have thought of me before!?"

03-23-2005, 11:12 AM
That's exactly it, it's almost like they are saying, "wow you looked terrible before!" when they say, "wow you look great now".
Some of it is probably in my head. I think I get more satisfaction from the people that give me the once-over and DON'T say anything about it.

03-23-2005, 11:19 AM
KTna - I'm reluctant to tell the number as well. I don't tell people what I make or what I scored on my GREs. I do tell people when they ask or say something nice, "Thanks I'm about a 1/4 of the way there." And when that number becomes 1/3 or 1/2, I'll say that as well. If they press further, I just say that my goal weight is my IQ - a number I'll happily share with anyone who does ask.

03-23-2005, 11:28 AM
The question I was asked last night went like this:
Wow, you have lost so much weight, you look great!
-Thanks, it's been a long, hard road - but I'm getting there.
So what have you lost? 50 pounds?

I really didn't want to but I told her 60, but it is my mother-in-law so at least it was someone I am close to. I just don't know what to say when it's anyone else.

I don't have trouble telling people what size I want to be, or even what size I am right now (I am almost at a size I am comfortable to tell people) but the weight number just seems so personal!

03-23-2005, 12:18 PM
I think you are right to give people the benefit of the doubt. Anyone willing to give us a compliment obviously has good intentions even if it makes us uncomfortable. If you don't want to share the particulars then just give them a grin and say, "I'll never tell!"

Try to remember that you aren't being told you looked awful before but that you look fabulous now. It is hard to keep that in mind, especially since we usually don't think of our former selves as attractive. But others see us much more objectively than we see ourselves. I think it is important to remember that the people making these comments are seeing a whole new us. We carry ourselves better, we smile more, our self esteem is higher, we are more outgoing, etc. All of this shows. Even if it is our weight loss that they specifically mention they are actually commenting on the whole package.

Keep in mind too that most women are interested in losing at least some weight. Sometimes they may ask the particulars of your weight loss as a frame of reference for themselves.

Just try to take it all in stride. And, remember, it is much better to have someone ask out loud how much weight you've lost than have someone wonder to themselves how much you've gained! You've done a great job and have pleny to be proud of - whether or not you want to shout it to the world is up to you.

03-23-2005, 12:35 PM
Thanks so much, I think I like the mysterious answer, I will use that..."wouldn't you like to know" approach. You are so right about it being better for them to ask how much I've lost rather than wonder if I had gained. That is a great perspective!
I even have people that I think are already skinny asking for advise, it feels very odd! I have had more comments in the last few weeks than the whole time I have been losing, I guess it is starting to really show, so I guess I should be happy about that.

03-24-2005, 08:53 AM
I think it's how we often perceive things. But in reality, they're not trying to say you looked awful before or size you up compared to how much you lost. They're actually just awed that you were able to lose that much, because they know it's hard to do and most people can't do it and you did. They are amazed by what you accomplished. They're not even thinking about how you looked before when they ask how much you've lost. They just know they can tell you've lost quite a lot and want you to wow them with the impossible number.

03-25-2005, 06:17 AM
I don't tell people how much weight I've lost. . .usually the question is "Have you lost weight?" and I just say, "yep" or "I think so" and then that's it. If they press for details I just steer the conversation to healthy lifestyle changes.

I don't answer with my weight, because I think people focus on that too much with women. I mean, I obsess enough over my weight, I don't need other people thinking about it too. Plus, I have finally figured out that it isn't the weight I want off, it's what it means to me. Losing weight means I'm sticking with something. It means I'm healthier with more energy. It means my body looks more like how I feel inside, and I can't wait for it to look more that way. It means I'm exercising, and that feels good. It means I don't drink pop anymore, and that means no sugar crashes.

So, what I do is skip the weight part of the conversation and move right to that stuff.
they say "how much have you lost?"
and I say "I don't know, but I feel great!"
or I say, "thanks for noticing! I feel so much healthier now."

they say "So what are you down to now?"
and I say "It's not polite to ask a lady her weight!" (because it isn't!) ;)

03-27-2005, 09:40 PM
Im totally the same way when they ask how much I only say im not weighing myself that way They know I cant give them a number and I dont tell them how many sizes Ive gone down either. I like the way my body is changing but some how I feel that I worked for it its my little secret, at least right now. It feels like I was always judged by my body but that was me and its still me, I have to work on that I know but in time it will change in time we will dance strut and want to tell the world but not now its our time we have more work to do and we want to be the one who knows what, when and how long. Everyone is diffrent and everyone handles it in their own way but its totally understandable to want to keep that information for yourself. Its like your gift to yourself and you want it for yourself. Some times thats how I feel.
So your not alone there ,keep a smile on your face that only you know why . Great work on getting more healthy and doing what your doing. Keep it up :bravo:

03-28-2005, 07:41 AM
I got up to 200lbs and was at my heaviest in my life, but I didn't mind telling people how heavy I was when I was trying to illustrate how disgusted I was with it. It's embarrasing, but I'm pretty much an open book! Well, I recently decided to do something about it, and have lost 6 lbs in the first week. I was so excited and couldn't wait to tell my husband, who is living and working 3 hours from me at the moment. We see each other on weekends. I told him where I started, but before I could say how much I lost, he loudly exclaimed, "200 POUNDS!?" and started laughing. It took me a moment to get over how rude he was just to finish telling him what I lost. I have to admit, that threw me a bit. Made me feel the most self-conscious of my weight that I have ever felt. No matter, though. I know I'm on my way now! I don't care what he or anyone else thinks anymore. I'm getting fit and living my life!

03-28-2005, 09:18 AM
Hi Andrea, I'm so sorry your husband did that to you! I usually don't comment on things like this because the personal relationship between partners is just that, personal, and who am I to judge?? But I felt compelled to comment because I just couldn't seem to let this go. I think what he did was incredibly cruel and hurtful, and I hope for your sake, that this isn't his usual manner. Good for you for saying to **** with 'em, but please remember that you deserve respect as much as anyone, and have every right to demand it, especially from your loved ones. I, for one, am sooooo proud of you!! You're doing an awesome job kick starting your journey. You just hang on to that great attitude and you'll be there in no time. Keep up the good work and take care!


03-28-2005, 10:15 AM
I too have had the situation where thin people ask me how much I've lost and are in total awe. Then the inevitable question is always, "do you have a goal weight in mind?"

While this used to bother me, lately I have figured out that naturally thin people have NO IDEA what it's like to be obese. To them, losing 10 pounds is extremely difficult, so they have no frame of reference for the seemingly insurmountable amounts of weight we have to lose.

Here's a good example: my husband told a good friend of ours that I had lost over 70 pounds, and his first question was, "Wow - what does she weigh now?" Of course my husband didn't tell him, but the question sort of explained everything to me. He couldn't even conceive of being 70 pounds overweight, so he assumed I've withered away to nothing. My best friend said almost the same thing... when she asked me how much more I want to lose, she was shocked when I said 40-50 pounds. She was worried I'd look "anorexic." But she has no idea what I weigh, and the fact that I'd need to lose 120 pounds in total is inconceviable.

I don't think people mean to be cruel. In fact, I have been surprised at how much AWE my skinny friends have expressed at my loss. While it is a little embarrassing, I have noticed that they seem to be a little awkward about it, too... they want to know but have no idea what the "right" questions might be.

I'd tell only what you feel comfortable telling, but keep in mind that people may just not know what to say to you. Talking about weight is extremely awkward, and everyone responds differently.

Just my 18 cents (sorry so rambly!).

03-28-2005, 10:19 AM
andrea: here's another bop upside the head for your husband, but he DOES get props for laughing about it. but he'd better show up with flowers the next time he sees you!!!!

<hi bev - i followed you here.. happy day after easter!>

as for the issue at hand... sometimes it's impossible to deny a weight loss... one woman, after we hadn't seen each other for more than a year, simply blurted out: "you're half the size you used to be!" and i had to correct her: nope, i'm LESS than half the size i used to be...

i decided to come clean about the amount of weight i've lost. and i have become extremely sensitive to people's reactions about it. not in a negative way, but rather so that i can address those little adding machines in their heads.

and often, my next sentence is something along the lines of 'no one ever sets out to get as heavy as i did. and i am lucky that something is available for people like me.'

i REFUSE to get involved in pre vs post surgery eating and exercise habits. it's not anyone's business that i'd pretty much stopped bingeing years ago, and no one wants to hear the rest of the story.

soooo. what it comes down to is whatever you're comfortable with. but losing more than, say, 30 pounds, generally makes people talk. when you lose 75, 100 or more, it's REALLY on their minds.

03-28-2005, 12:30 PM
Hello, just adding my 2cents!

I love people's reaction when I tell them I've lost 4 stone (about 60lbs), and it's been really great this weekend I've been up to my home town and NO-ONE has recognised me! It's wierd and funny and all mixed up!

People over this side of the pond don't tend to be as direct as you US guys, I don't think anyone's asked me outright the figures. I told my kickboxing instructor that I'd lost 21lbs since I started in August and he was really pleased for me. Then last week I forgot my uniform and had to wear my usual workout pants and T shirt (which are tight and fitted) and the instructor guys out front were all staring at me! :rofl: Then at the end of the class my instructor took me to one side and said, "Don't take this the wrong way but... You look like you've lost loads of weight and you look much healthier and fitter!" I was really pleased that he'd noticed, especially as he sees me every week!

If the subject comes around to my weight, I tend to say, "Oooh I want to lose another 14lbs," or something, but I think people are in awe that you can lose so much weight.

My fiance has such difficulty in understanding my food problem as he has always been a stick insect and he says things like, "Just stop eating when you're not hungry!" If only it was that simple! But now I am lighter than him, and I think I shocked him when I told him! :rofl: It was really amusing actually, we were out to dinner with another friend of ours who is also skinny cos he cycles everywhere... Anyways my fiance was making some kind of jibe about me being an eating machine or something! And I said, "Yeah I know, but I'm lighter than you!" He looked visibly shocked! :rofl: and said, "How come??" so I said, "well I have lost a lot of weight!" :lol3:

Back to the point... I guess it's your decision to tell people the number (or roundabouts), but you're just going to make people jealous ;)

03-28-2005, 02:12 PM
Well, my husband sees me often enough to know that I weigh too much, but I guess I'd never actually told him the number. I would have had he asked, though. I guess I just assumed that I had said something at sometime or another. I do think that he was truly astounded at the big 2 at the beginning of the number. It was a knee-jerk reaction. But I didn't like the laughing and the sarcastic comments that came afterward. I didn't say this before, but he said, sarcastically, "Yeah, at 200 lbs, you might want to think about losing a little weight alright." It wasn't totally cruel...just not very supportive and loving, and it came from someone who isn't very loving to me to begin with. (Can you tell we have issues!?)

Anyway, I really don't care what he thinks. He has only one interest in me anyway, but even that interest isn't very strong anymore. That might change when I lose weight. Dunno? Don't care. It's my body and I have other things to do with it! :lol:

Thanks Beverly for the kind words. I hope I am as succesful as you have been!