100 lb. Club - Toxic People

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12-09-2004, 11:20 AM
I blew it last nite and eat almost a whole bag of Lite Mic.Wave popcorn.I had spent the morning with my meth addicted sister(who has cancer) at the doctors. A's are self asborbed ,very negitive and demanding.All she wants to talk about are her problems,how bad things are and how terrible this or that person is or was. She'll repeat her stories over and over and when she's done with that she goes into the detail workings or not of her colon.I try to change the subject but she'll always bring it back. Yes, being anywhere near her is "fun" times. There is no one eles who can or will take her. None of her 3 children want anything to do with her and her only friend is her dealer. Everytime I am forced to be around her I end up fighting the effects for days.All that bad energy follows me around like a fog and saps my optimisum.I know for my own health I have to stay away from her . I suppose the gist of this post is "Avoid Toxic People",they are ruiness to your motivation and progress.

12-09-2004, 12:55 PM
Hi Pam,

You sure seem to go through diffucult time with this person. I'm not an doctor, but since i had very serious health problems in the past, i know a little bit about this issue. Her negative attitude while your in her presence may be just the need for her to ventilate everything she is going through.

There are two ways for you to deal with this situation:

If this attitude really puts you down and have negative effects on your life; you can take your distances with this person.

If you feel strong enough, you can also stay close to her, but not letting her negative thaughts invade you. Basically, you can have an empathy relation; meaning you let her know you understand her problems, but that they shouldn't affect you.

12-09-2004, 01:16 PM
Remember, you can't just say that you won't eat in reaction to stress/whatever -- you have to find SUBSTITUTES for food, AND find ways to manage the situation in the first place.

In situations like this -- when you are the support for someone in crisis -- it's crucial that you also have support and some tools to deal with the situation. Ministers have counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists all of counselors. Dealing with problems and misery and being someone else's resource takes a toll, and you have to find some way to deal with this stuff in a constructive, safe, releasing environment.

That might mean a support group like Al-Anon (or Narc-Anon or whatever it's called ...), it might mean a religious leader, or a counselor. It might mean doing something good for yourself like a yoga class (which, when taught by an actual yogi rather than an aerobics instructor, has a definite spiritual component). You have to explore why she and her situation punch your buttons so, and learn to balance your compassion with an element of self-preservation.

When you are a bit removed from your latest visit, take some time to think about things you can do after these visits to make yourself feel better that DON'T involve food. Vigorous exercise is a great stress reliever -- maybe just walking, but maybe something like kickboxing would help. Maybe you need to schedule "me" time in the tub with bath salts and candles and soothing music. Or, a visit to a coffee shop for a soothing hot cuppa (fat- and sugar-free, of course!) with the paper or a crossword puzzle. It's up to you to find those substitutes, and reinforce that they are just as soothing, if not more, than food.

This is a tough situation and there are no easy answers, but they will only come through observation and exploration.

12-09-2004, 01:35 PM
If you feel strong enough, you can also stay close to her, but not letting her negative thaughts invade you. Basically, you can have an empathy relation; meaning you let her know you understand her problems, but that they shouldn't affect you.
I absolutely agree with frenchipolarbear. I believe in trying as best I can to follow the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Your sister is an addict, so you can't apply reasonable expectations to an unreasonable person. I don't know if you're able to do this or not, but I would recommend REALLY TRYING to increase your coping skills so you're not taking on her stress and anguish and then trying to release it with food. In our maintenance lives, we're all going to be exposed continually to different stressors, and we are going to have to learn how to cope healthfully rather than turning to food.

It sounds like she's all alone in a dark place, and really needs you right now, so maybe you can share in your own individual healing processes -- hers with meth, and yours with food. I know, it's easier said than done, but usually the really important stuff is harder. One of my very best friends had an incredibly ugly parting of the ways with alcohol during a time when I really needed a lot of support and kindness, as in that year my then-partner of 4 years was killed, and 2 of the 3 women who raised me (I considered them my mothers) died. My friend just didn't have it to give -- he was a bottomless pit of need and focus on self. He says now if I hadn't found the wherewithall to be there for him during his hardest times, he's sure he wouldn't have made it through to the other side -- and now his life is great, and he's healthy and happy. It was hard as ****, but again, I think the important things we do in life usually are.

I wish you all the best with it, Pam. :grouphug:

12-09-2004, 01:37 PM
Go funniegrrl! I got interrupted while writing my post, so I missed your wisdom. I couldn't agree more.

12-09-2004, 02:41 PM
:thanks: Thanks all. I do keep in touch with Nar-Anon and they say to let go of the addict and leave them in God's hands. To concentrate on your own life and healing yourself. I try to do this as much as possible.I used to try to solve all my sister's complaints because she is ill and has no one eles. It was a thankless task and very stressful. For instantance not long ago she called me complaining her cable was out.I called the cable company to go fix it that same day. When I called her back to tell her she screamed and yelled at me saying she didn't feel good and didn't want to be disturbed. This is how it is with her. No matter how hard I try it's never right or enough. When I don't jump at her demands she plays the "I'm sick"card, when I tell her I won't take further abuse it's the "you don't love me"card.I know I have to practise letting her go and keeping my distance as much as possible. Addicts are masters at manipulation and as I am the only one left who hasn't headed for hills so all her attention is directed at me.I have to remember that "no" is a tool to protect myself.Thats enough for today. I'm going to brian wash myself into positive thinking and refuse her another sec.of control.

12-09-2004, 04:54 PM
coudln't have said it better than frenchie, miss encyclopedia and funnie. Pam, I hope you can reconcile the issues with your sister and food. We're here as a sounding board if you need to vent.

12-09-2004, 05:01 PM
Miss Encycopedia! :lol: You're such a sillyhead, Rocky!

12-09-2004, 05:05 PM
Miss Encycopedia! :lol: You're such a sillyhead, Rocky!

But it's twue ... :D

12-10-2004, 02:04 AM
I was babbling on the phone when I saw your post "Toxic People", and I can definitely relate to that, it's so hard not to get pulled in.. they really play into it. While I don't have any advice, I know how you are feeling. You are a great person for tackling this, and I wish you all the luck and strength.. venting helps me, so vent away when you need to :)


12-11-2004, 04:42 AM
I had a short relationship with an addict a few years ago. I didn't know when I met him and jumped into the relationship too quickly. It was the most exhausting and draining situation, I know TOTALLY about the manipulation and lying thing.When I tried to end it I got threats of suicide, I was blamed by him for his drug problems, he bothered my friends, he told lies about me, phoned me up in the night, watched my home etc etc.(I sure can pick them!)
It must be hard to have it long term Pam.
These 2 points are completely obvious but I'm going to say them anyway...
You can't help your sister if you are all 'wrung out like a dish cloth' and it isn't 'good medicine' for her to be able to manipulate people to get what she wants.
When you are feeling strong be there for her. When it's too much for you - it's o.k to walk away.Have firm boundaries. Get as much help and support from NA. Make sure you do fun things for yourself!
I just think you are a fantastic lady Pam and I'm glad you are here a 3FC!!!!

Goddess Jessica
12-11-2004, 11:43 AM
Pam - I can't give you advice on this one but may I say what a wonderful sister you are. She probably doesn't tell you that but deep down she knows it. Whether she has more time on earth or not, you will always be happy that you stretched out your hand in sisterly support - even if she's not willing to accept it.

PS - Oh yeah, microwave lite popcorn? Come on! My binges make yours seem like spa food. ;)