100 lb. Club - Holiday Eating tips (funny)

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12-08-2004, 05:08 PM
Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-
malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else
to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat
of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season! Of course I wont be doing any of these tips! LOL

12-08-2004, 05:41 PM
Heather, that was great! :lol: Really funny... :lol3: (Nice to see you, by the way. :) )

12-08-2004, 07:09 PM
That's hilarious. I took the liberty of copying it and emailing it to all my friends. Wish life could really be like that with no consequences. ;)

12-08-2004, 11:16 PM
What a hoot! :rofl: Good advise if I were skinny.

12-08-2004, 11:16 PM
:rofl: i love it!

12-09-2004, 12:25 AM
That is hilarious!!

12-09-2004, 01:05 PM
Too funny. Thanks for the laugh

12-10-2004, 01:44 PM