100 lb. Club - Who am I?
11-14-2004, 08:28 PM
It's just me, venting again. I seem to do a lot of that. Here's my newest thing, looking in the mirror, in pictures.. I don't know who I am anymore. I am not the girl I was... I can't even recognize myself anymore. This could be positive IF I was losing lots of weight, but I'm used to being thin. This size 18 crap is starting to ANNOY ME! My eyes look so, sad, my whole face looks sad, and my smile? It's not there anymore. Fact is, I'm tired of who I have become, and I don't know how to find that girl. I keep trying to lose weight, thinking thats my solution, but I worry that who I used to be was just some made up social butterfly. Do I even want to be her again, juggling school, work and a social life seems exhausting now. I'm getting old ! :lol: It's a mid - twenties life crisis, aging is hard. Constantly redefining who I am confuses me after a while, I wish I could just be handed something which explained what I should do, how I should act, and what is age inappropriate, or age appropriate for that matter. I don't know.. my mind and body are feeling like they want to burst out of me... but I have been so concentrated on what I *should* be doing, I don't even know what I *want* anymore. I feel pretty screwed up.. is that the norm these days? Well thanks for listening to my endless rants...
11-14-2004, 10:32 PM
I completely understand! I, too, find myself having a mid-20s crisis every now and then. I wonder where I really am in life. Should I be married with kids? Should I own a house? Should I weigh a certain amount? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. I also understand what you said about looking in the mirror. I was looking at some pictures of myself from college, and was thinking "what happened to that person?" I was much happier, my eyes sparkled when I smiled, and now? I seem unhappy all the time. But I think that with this weight loss, I will regain a semblance of that person I used to be. Or at least hopefully I'll regain some of that sparkle. I think we'll be great support for each other - we're around the same weight and age and are experiencing the same problems. Feel free to contact me any time, I'll be there when you need me to be!
11-15-2004, 12:27 PM
I think that society in general puts certain "norms" on how we should be. My problem with that is that I don't fit that norm and never have. I used to be the social butterfly also. People, people, people. You know what I realized finally? I'm more of an introvert and had been playing the extrovert almost all my life to be a people pleaser. I did that to mask depression. Most of my life people around me never knew I ever suffered from depression. I was an excellent actress. But from doing that I lost myself. I'm still lost. I have no idea how to embrace the person I really am. I know that losing weight is not the key to my happiness. I thought before it would be, but its not. I'm glad I am realizing this before I have lost all my weight. I think without that realization the weight loss could bring on a huge depression with me being lost as to how to make myself happy. Damn, I need some therapy I think. For me I seek the answers to is there more to life than being a mom and being married. I am so deep into that role I am not an individual anymore. Is that selfish? I want more for me. I don't feel complete at all. I just can't believe I can feel this way and waste so much of life when it is so damn short. How many regrets can one person have? I can't live that way. I have to find some balance and quick. I know that got kind of heavy. This thread calls for nothing less. From the heart.
11-15-2004, 12:53 PM
Tammy - I loved your reply :) It's so real, and thats the thing about losing weight, it brings up these emotions. For so many people losing weight becomes a very emotional time, and sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who deals with all these things.. it's good to see others deal with it too :) Thank you.
11-15-2004, 07:01 PM
Kelly - I'm from Cincy! Nice to have a you on the board.
Today I was having a similar conversation with someone. He said:
Jessica is a lot more sensitive than her exterior would lead you to believe.
I was a little shocked that someone condensed it so correctly.