Since we are running out of hypothetical situations, how about we make this a real-life question and answer thread? But instead of just one response, any Jaded Lady member may add her advice. Also, more than one situation can be discussed at the same time....
Angie was last, and explained what's going on at the theater that she has a question with... here it is....
"This is what Im dealing with right now. When ever we have a cast / crew member do something great we always make sure to let them know our appreciations by bring it up infront of everyone and applauding their hard work or thoughtfulness. Anyways the problem is, we have one guy who each time this happens makes sure to run over to that person and does something goofy and takes the attention away from that person. I feel that each person is intitled to credit without him interferring.
So what would a JL do about this?"
Go for it, ladies, and help Angie with this........
11-06-2004, 08:35 PM
I thinking this guy doesn't feel like he gets enough of his own attention. Could this be the case?
One of my coworkers (who knows I am on a diet) constantly offers me foods that she knows I can't eat, like fried chicken, chocolate, etc. Then, she makes comments like "If you THINK it's fattening, then it will be" She has a joke that she is on a LARD diet, that all she eats is lard. Once, after handing out chocolate, she told me "That's how I keep my men, by feeding everyone else"
This girl is EXTREMELY thin, and eats like a horse. I don't know if she wants to rub it in my face that it comes so easily or what, but it drives me CRAZY!
11-07-2004, 08:37 AM
Angie - I think Sam hit the nail on the head. The guy is begging for attention which is probably fairly common in actors, lol! But since it isn't fair for him to steal the thunder from others, I'd talk to the big ham about it in private. Very undertoned, you know. Kind of like, "So-and-so deserves the spotlight all to herself tonight, so let's let her have it, ok?" Then I'd try to be close to him to help rein him in if he starts up again. If that doesn't work, I'd be a little more frank about it. (IE: Knock it off, buddy!)
Sam, if she really is being devious, and not just generous, candor is also needed for your problem, too, I think. Tell her in private that you are eating healthy now and would she please stop bringing by all the goodies to your office? If this is happening in a lunch room, where she has the right to have all kinds of junk, just keep saying, "No, thank you, anyway". But don't let her win out over you!! Be prepared for an even harder sell from her - gals like this intend to get their way. It's up to you to stand your ground. If she STILL persists, use the line I gave Angie - Knock it off, buddy! LOL
What do the other JLs think about these problems??
12-03-2004, 03:23 PM
I was talking to my sister Maggie this morning, and laughingly mentioned how we were talking about saggy boobs here, and she said she noticed that my face is really "looking older" and she thinks I should start maintenence now.
Before you go thinking she is a witch, or jealous, let me say that Maggie doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She is not a devious or hurtful person, in any way. You just won't hear her say anything mean about anybody. She is the runt of the family, and has always been petite, so there is absolutlely no way she is jealous, either. She has applauded my losses week after week after week, since January.
Ideally, I should lose about 40 more pounds. But I was going to lose 20 more pounds, then stop, which would mean I would still be technically overweight, but I thought that would be a good place for someone who is 51 years old and 5' 9" to stop.
Now I think maybe she is right. I mean, I prefer saggy over fat on the rest of my body, but not on my face!! I would rather stay right where I am than have an old, haggard look!
They say it takes one year for your skin to catch up to your weight loss, and at 51, I know it isn't all going back where it should! So here's the question - should I go into maintenance now for awhile to let my face skin catch up whatever it can?
What's a Jaded Lady to do??????? I hope I get lots of feedback from several of you guys on this......
12-03-2004, 03:38 PM
Wow Jane, that is a tough one. I honestly think that it's all up to how you feel about yourself now and if you're happy. If you continue to lose the rest that you're wanting to lose, your body isn't going to care when you start maintence. (btw....you don't look older to me!)
Can you see a difference in your face? Are you unhappy with it? I honestly didn't know that it took a year for your skin to catch up......nobody told my belly either! But all kidding aside,
I personally would finish and try to reach my goal. Because I figure, if it's going to take a year to "catch up" then it can wait a little longer for me to finish what I've been working on and then since maintaining is also something to work on and get used to, then your body can catch up then. Does that make sense? If you only have about 20lbs or so to go, then I don't think it's going to make a big diffence.
Also, you've been losing slowly and consistantly, so your body isn't in a huge shock..... It's not like you've lost 50lbs. in one month and then your body is going to struggle w/what to do.......
I'm sure I haven't helped a bit.....but I hope I did a little.
I've seen your photos Jane and you look lovely. You don't look like someone who is in her 50's either! You look marvelous!
12-03-2004, 04:51 PM
I too never knew that it took a year for your skin to catch up with your weight loss. I will have to remember that.
Anyway, this is hard Jane because I don't think anyone can tell you what you should do. It is what you feel comfortable at. Do you feel like you look older? Do you feel like you face is sagging? I sure didn't think it looked like it was, or that you looked older.
I am totally with Marti in that I too (personally speaking) would continue with the loss and make it to goal. Or maybe lose another 10 and then decide how you look to you. I honestly don't think it matters what others think but what you yourself see in the mirror and if you like what you see. If you feel comfortable at the weight you are now, and feel that is something you can live with then you should start maintenance. You could always lose the rest at a later time if you decide to. But you may like where you are now. You , you, you-it's all about you Jane and how you feel about yourself. Sometimes others see you differently than we see ourselves.
I haven't seen a pic of you lately but the last one I did see I thought you looked fabulous, and definitely not older!
I know I didn't help at all either but that is my 2cents.
12-04-2004, 07:13 AM
Thanks you two - of all the ones posting yesteday, I guess you two were the only ones brave enough to tackle this! Yes, my face is saggier than I thought it was. I did a thorough exam in the mirror and have to admit she has a point. And the skin on your face does NOT catch up, like the the skin on the rest of your body.
If I had to stop now, and a stranger saw me, I think the stranger would classify me as chubby. Not really "Fat" anymore, but not at goal, either. I am keeping in mind that, even if/when I reach my goal, I will still be somewhat over what the charts say is right for my height.
My original plan was to stay OP until March 19, which is the Saturday before Palm Sunday. My good buddy Sally and I are going shopping in Indy for Spring/Summer clothes the following Monday (the 21st)
The thing is, I am afraid to go into maintenance right now at Christmas. I know it's going to be very tricky to find just the right amount of points that keeps me level, w/o gaining or losing. Trying to do this at Christmas sounds too dangerous, so I think I'm going to keep on at least until the first of the year, and then re-evaluate everything.
I know this, though: I would rather be the size I am now, than have a wrinkled up, saggy face!
Neal says I look fine to him. (he also said that 83 1/2 pounds ago!) On the phone, Mary said she doesn't know what my face looks like, lol. Katie, when asked, looked me over and said, "Well, now that you mention it, maybe you SHOULD start maintenance now." :yikes:
I know you guys are right - it is something I'm going to have to come to terms with on my own, but it's hard to do!!
12-04-2004, 08:55 AM
Jane - been thinking about this, sorry I didn't post sooner. I chuckled at first because when you said "maintenance" I thought you were talking about plastic surgery! I just saw something on ET about some celebrities who start with PS early one and go in every 6 mos for "maintenance"... Isn't that wierd, my brain works in mysterious ways sometimes.
When I was involved in TOPS, I knew several women who lost significant amounts of weight and it is true that the body you get at the time you begin maintenance is not the body you have a year later. After all, you are continuing to exercise, and are eating to maintain, not to lose. I also think that a person's hormones are affected by losing weight, because I read somewhere that hormones ar stored in body fat... I think that could be why active, healthy women have an easier time with menopause, fighting osteoporosis and other hormonal shifts.
That being said, you are beautiful at whatever weight and I've seen the progress pictures, missy! Your lifestyle changes are paying off for you in a big way, so I think you should continue toward your goal. As you said, it is higher that an "ideal" weight per se, so I would say get to that weight and maintain it for a year, then see what you think. That means keeping up a cardio and weight program of some kind (but I bet you already planned on doing that)
I also sense that you want a plan in place for tackling the holidays... so you should do what you need to do to get through them and feel good about your choices.
Anyway - maybe PS isn't out of the question? If, after a year of maintenance, you have too much saggy flesh and wrinkles.... well why not? IMO, I just wouldn't do PS until I had been at goal for while, and I had a really healthy lifestyle, KWIM? I think some people look to PS to do for them what a healthy lifestyle should. But if you already have the lifestyle and the healthy weight... I don't see why not.
Remember, your family loves you and are probably so pleased that you have lost all this weight, but it is a big change for them as well. They may not want to admit it, but change can be scary......if your body changes so much, are YOU going to change too? Well, yes, but all for the better.... I think sometimes the people closest to us sometimes have a little unconscious fear of the unknown. It could be, too, that it's just that they are going to love you at whatever weight you are and if you ask them if they think you have lost enough weight of course they are going to say yes, 'cause they think you look great all the time. I have a very supportive family, but sometimes I have found that I can't really look to them too much for my affirmation because then there would be no motivation to continue, lol! it's a double-edged sword. Hope this all makes sense....I don't want it to sound like I'm critical of your family, 'cause I'm not. They sound like wonderful supportive people...mine are, too. If they could lose my weight for me I'm sure they would. sigh. Like we said in TOPS, "If it is to be, it's up to me" Keep up the good work, Jane
12-04-2004, 12:26 PM
Thank you, Katy. Have you seen the surgery-free face lifts done with thread? I saw it on Oprah, and it was amazing! I probably would never have my face cut on, because I'd be afraid of the results, but I would do the thread procedure.
Too bad I can't go to the gym for my face! And yes, you know I already have a plan for the holidays, but not a maintenance one. Didn't think I would need it yet, lol. I do plan on continuing my exercising, no matter what. One reason I chose the workout that I did is because it is do-able for life. Or at least while I'm mobile, lol. I have seen what happens to women who exercise like manics then stop. Not a pretty sight! Much, much worse than I am now!
So anyway, like I told the others, I will stay OP through the holidays, because I think maintenance is going to be tricky enough w/o trying to do it over Christmas. There will be a fine line between enough points to stay the same weight and too many/not enough. But I truly just don't know what to do after that.
Anyway, thank you for your input, Katy.
12-04-2004, 07:31 PM
I did see that episode of Oprah and I found it to be interesting. I like that massage therapy thing better though. There is a name for it, but I can't seem to remember. It showed a noticable difference also. Non surgery way would be great....but what about the belly and thighs??? Should I put threads in there to tuck them away?? :lol:
I think you'll do just fine w/the holidays. You've done great so far, what's a little holiday going to do? I think your plans will work. And when you're ready for the maintenence, then you'll do great with that also.
12-04-2004, 07:55 PM
Sorry to just budge in, but I just had to comment.. my mother is your age, and has the same problem. I've suggested to her the same thing you are talking about, no sugery face lifts, but since she's not done losing she decided against it. So she's going to a dept store and is going to ask them what they can recommend. Maybe a cream which is designed to "lift" skin can help? Good luck, I hope it all works out for you :)
12-05-2004, 06:50 AM
Thank you Aimee! I use an under-eye cream and a face/neck cream. It's amazing how much better my neck looks right after I put it on. Loosens the cords in my throat area. Btw, you and your mom both are welcome to join the Jaded Ladies...
Congrats on your loss so far!
12-15-2004, 06:01 PM
Ok ladies...I need some advice.
My sister called me this afternoon. We talked for a little bit before she finally got around to why she called. She wanted to know if I could help with her baby shower. I said I can help, what do you need? She started naming everything from food to party gifts.....ok, this is her second baby, I thought that the second, third and so on baby, didn't really need a baby shower and I told her, but if she's having one that I could help, but not in the financial area. I had just talked to her about our car and how money is going out also to the other car to get fixed.
She sounded upset, but said it was ok.
What else should I have done? I'm willing to help set it up and decorate, but I can't foot the bill. Every party she ever plans is extravagant and I just don't live that lifestyle and she knows it.
Before she hung up, she said "never mind, you don't need to help."
Should I have offerred her more than my help? Do 2nd babies need another big baby shower? She has everything except baby clothes and diapers...(she's having a boy this time)
Am I wrong? I feel bad, but at the same time I feel a little angry that she expected me to do all this. The timing is just bad for me also.
What would you girls have said and done??
12-15-2004, 07:49 PM
I think you handled it well...This is just my opinion, but I don't think 2nd baby showers are necessary, certainly not big extravaganzas! If the new baby needs something, it can be given when the child is born for a "birth" day gift. Presumably, the gear should still be around from baby#1. You were honest about your financial situation, and still offered to help....you did well - don't let her make you feel guilty.
12-15-2004, 08:32 PM
Is she asking you to help some other people who are throwing the shower? Surely she isn't having one for herself! The only time I have heard of showers for the 2nd (etc) baby is if there is a big age gap between the kids.
Is this the same sister who hosted your wedding reception? Although there is no reason for it, she may think you "owe" her for doing that.
In order to keep the peace, I'd call her in a few days, and remind her that you are very willing to set up and decorate, maybe even offer to address invitations and stuff like that, which doesn't cost anything. Then if she still refuses your help.... at least you tried.
As one of 7 daughters, I know there can be tender feelings and misunderstanding with sisters. One thing I have learned over the years is to do what it takes to make sure you haven't hurt each other. Make nice, without kissing any booty.
Good luck with this!!
12-15-2004, 09:22 PM
Marti~ I am with the others on this. It's one thing to help with the decorations, food and such but to foot the bill or even part of it ummm, no. And don't let her make you feel guilty because you shouldn't. You explained your situation to her and that should be it, she should have taken you up on your offer to help out. I too am wondering if she was wanting you to help others with it or is she giving her self a baby shower or wanting to but at someone else's expense or partial expense. Definitely not proper etiquette to give your self a baby shower or to have a baby shower for #2 etc. but every one is different and times they have changed. Just don't feel guilty over this. And like Jane said, call her in a few days to let her know you are willing to help. She shouldn't hold it against you.
12-16-2004, 07:12 AM
She had mentioned this to me before during the day we decorated my grandpa's house. And my Aunt said she'd do it. So I assumed it was taken care of....but then she called me and asked again. I asked about our Aunt and she really didn't give me an answer to that. Then she told me that she's pretty much throwing the shower herself. Now.....why would she do that?
And the age gap is only 2yrs....so all the stuff she has is practically new.
She probably does feel like I "owe" her after throwing me the reception.....but the reception was my grandma's idea (I didn't want one and especially didn't want my grandma to do it while she was sick) and so my sister piped up and offered.
I figured I would just talk to her in a couple days or so and see what's happening.....or...I may call my Aunt. I'm not sure. I may just leave it as it is.
I'll keep you updated.
Thanks for the advice!
12-18-2004, 11:50 AM
Hi Marti - Hope this situation w/your sis is smoothing itself out. I was just over at the other online comunity I hangout in, a simple living and frugality message board. There was an idea there that made me think of this situation. Given what you have said about your sister and how she feels about "stuff", this may not work, but i'll throw the idea out there anyway. The idea is to have 2nd baby shower be a hand-me-down shower. Lots of people were contributing to a thread on this topic.... said it really solved the dilemma of 2nd baby showers and the new moms got more stuff than they expected.
I've been on somewhat of a tight budget for both kids and love hand-me-downs.... but I know people have varying opinions about used clothes. That being said...I'm off the Red, White, and Blue with my kids as we speak! ( RWB is a big thrift store 'round these parts)
Hope you are having a great weekend w/ Jhanai!
12-22-2004, 06:35 PM
Did you and your sister ever talk about this again? I'm just wondering how it turned out....
12-22-2004, 07:19 PM
Nope, haven't discussed this since she called. I don't want to ruin my holiday spirit by being stressed over it. I'm sure we'll talk more on Christmas Eve.
I will keep you updated though!