Weight Loss Support - Anyone else hate it when people notice weight loss?




jansan
10-14-2004, 05:14 PM
Hi all,

More than once I have self-sabotaged when someone has noticed my wl and commented upon it. Last time I got to 180something and 2 people in two consequtive days asked if I was loosing, and the very next day I was eating again. This has happened in the past more than once. I dont believe it is a coincidence.

I love my privacy and plump anonymity and apparently love the feeling of safety and security my extra weight gives me. I guess I fear my life will have to change if I lose. I will have to do the things I think I should, behave the way thin people do, etc. Of course I know this is not true, and my life does not have to change at all when I lose. I just gotta convience my subconscious of that and break this lose/gain reaction.

I also hate it when someone says 'oh, you look so good now'. What I hear is 'Oh, you looked so bad before.'. Arghhhhh! Why cant people mind their own business about my body?

Anyone else identify with this?

Jan 250/214/206/170?


punkinbutt
10-14-2004, 05:20 PM
I get pretty embarassed when someone points out my weight loss, especially if someone else is around. It's kind of silly but it makes me feel like they're pointing out what a fatty I am. My grandma is horrible for this and she has a hearing problem so she makes sure to shout it. :o

funniegrrl
10-14-2004, 05:59 PM
Jansan I know exactly what you are talking about -- both the embarrassment of the unspoken "You looked terrible before" and the feelings about losing that cloak of invisibility and becoming more "visible." You're not alone!


nelie
10-14-2004, 06:05 PM
You know I've never had anyone say "you look good NOW" but it has become almost a daily experience for me for someone to say "you've lost weight" or "you look really good" or something like that. I actually like it and don't mind it because it is a validation that I am not the only one noticing the changes. Really, how would you expect to lose 50+ lbs and have no one notice?

Lyria
10-14-2004, 06:18 PM
No one particularly commented on my weight loss until I went home for holidays in July. The people I live with here at Uni saw my decrease in weight pretty gradually, the odd person commented, but as I was still wearing mostly the same clothes they didnt notice.

When I got back home however, everyone commented. Some people didn't even recognise who I was! I was so self conscious and I got more so the more often people said "Oh wow, you look great" or "God! You've lost some weight!" Or the most hurtful "You look like a rake"

Sometimes I think it was easier to be heavier and be invisible to everyone, being slim people LOOK at me, random guys comment on me, sometimes I just wish I could hide again and be the person no one takes any notice of.

But that passes and I realise how much healthier I am now, and how much I love my new lifestyle, being able to run for kms or pick out any outfit I want.

I guess we are just never really happy. If no one comments on how you look you get upset. If people comment too much on how you look, you query their motives. Most people when they see someone after a long time and you've changed are shocked...they may not be at their most tactful.

Just be happy with yourself, be confident in yourself. That is at ANY size. After all, it's your body and your life, and you can live it any way you want :)

Livi

pyxie
10-14-2004, 07:03 PM
I'm a quiet person, and like others I like my anonyminity (sp?) and have been taken aback when some people have commented about my weight loss. I feel like they are crossing a boundary into my private space, and into my inner life.... without my permission. The three instances I'm thinking about were people that I just had casual acquaintances with - two were store clerks and one was a veterinarian tech.

I felt infringed upon. I knew it wasn't the other person's bad manners or overstepping boundaries... but it was within me. I felt that my personal boundaries were being invaded. So, I did a little homework on my feelings and brought it back to childhood (as usual) and placed the feelings coming from how my mother dealt with my chubbiness as a child.

Looking at pictures now, I see that I wasn't very overweight. My sister and I talked about it years and years ago and she apologized for calling me fat when I wasn't really fat. She felt partly to blame for my being over 200 at the time. She's always been thin and we kidded her as children about her thinnness, and I likewise was kidded about my weight. In college I was 155 at 5'4 ; and she was 112 at 5'7 and we still had our childhood kidding going on.

Anyway, for me it's the unexpected person commenting about my weight loss that will catch me off guard and put me on guard of my feelings about my weight. It is a tender spot for me. I've been a yo-yo since I tried to loose 20 lbs in college. That's the first time I rebounded over 200 too. Been up and down 4 times and I'm in my 50's and hoping I've finally found a way to not rebound up again.

Allie
start weight 258/ goal 145 maintained 6 months/ 162 now- heading back down

Only Me
10-14-2004, 07:46 PM
YES! I don't know why, but I don't like my weight being commented on. I guess it's personal to me like others have said, and comments invade my personal space. I don't talk about my weight loss attempts much with anyone, not even my dh, who appreciates the healthier meals I've been making and is trying to lose a few lbs himself. He likes to talk about it though.

almostheaven
10-14-2004, 08:31 PM
I actually like it and don't mind it because it is a validation that I am not the only one noticing the changes.

I'm the same way here. I actually got a whistle one day while loading groceries into the trunk. Hubby wasn't amused, but I sure was! :lol:

jansan
10-14-2004, 10:49 PM
Of course not everyone feels the way I do, but I think its an invasion of my privacy for someone to comment on my body size. Its sort of rude, though most people think they are giving the weight loser a welcome compliment. Not true for many of us.

I was watching oprah today and celine dion was the guest. First thing out of her mouth to oprah was in an overly gushy manner 'oh, you look absolutely wonderful' or something like that. Even I cringed. In effect I heard her say what a dog oprah had been before. Oprah just mildly thanked her and moved on. Talk about someone who must be weary of her weight being a public issue.

I think something more appropriate, if must say something, would be to complement weight losers such as 'that color looks good on you' or 'I really like that outfit you are wearing.' But then, we cant control the world and as we lose we will have to learn how to make ourselves feel safe from these well-meaning comments, unwelcome tho they are. I used to say 'thank you' and nothing more and when folks start noticing, as they will, will resume using that one. I also dont think people begin noticing weight loss until about 20+ pounds are lost so I have a way to go before having to deal with that again.

Most people mean well, and I have to learn how to deal with it because it will happen again. This is one of those things out of my control and I wont let it to stop me this time.

Jan h250/s214/c206/g?170

funniegrrl
10-15-2004, 12:39 PM
Really, how would you expect to lose 50+ lbs and have no one notice?

Well of COURSE I would expect a large loss to be noticed, and just a quick, sincere mention is fine and usually welcome. Compliments from people who never knew me as really overweight are fine, too. What makes me squirm are the people who go on and ON about it, make comments like, "You must feel SO much better," blah blah blah. There's a, "What a relief it must be for you to join the rest of us normal people here in the real world" tone that, while unintentional, can be offensive. I don't mind acknowledgement, but I don't want it to be the major topic of conversation, which often happens. This is usually from people who never struggled with weight at all, or are carrying 10 extra pounds of middle-aged weight and bemoan their piggish state as if it compares to my previous weight. Puh-leeze.

Djcat
10-15-2004, 06:58 PM
When I first started to cut out the junk food this summer :cookie: :nono:, I didn't tell any one at work about trying to lose weight. I couldn't believe when someone noticed that I had lost weight after "only" 10 lbs were gone, because I thought that was like a tick falling off an elephant's behind! :D

Now I am a total of 32 lbs down, and other co-workers have noticed and commented. Although I am a private individual, I see their comments as a sort of encouragement, because all of my hard work is paying off and it is an incentive to keep trying!

_Emily_
10-15-2004, 11:47 PM
I know how you all feel. Since June I have dropped 50+ lbs and I am so proud of myself. Every time I see someone I have not seen in awhile they tell me how good I look. Maybe I just can't accept a compliment properly because I have, somehow through all these years of being a 'big girl', tricked myself into thinking that the only reason people would pay a compliment would be out of pity. I feel that people are judging me and that makes me self-conscious. They say the same thing like ten times in awe while just staring. They say things like "You look so good!", "I can't believe how great you look now!", etc.. This makes me feel so embarrassed. I don't know what to say. I say thank you, but I feel like they want me to say something more.
My dad is really happy for me, but he hurts me with some of the things he says. I know he is just trying, in his own weird way, to commend me on my success, but he says things like "You look so good now. You used to be so big you looked like a football player". I try to smile and act like nothing bothers me, but my throat tightens up and my eyes start watering. Even though I am not that size any more, I was once and it really hurts me that he used to think of me that way.
I gotta admit, though, I do like the new attention from boys... lol.

jansan
10-16-2004, 04:22 PM
I say thank you, but I feel like they want me to say something more. >>
<< My dad is really happy for me, but he hurts me with some of the things he says. I know he is just trying, in his own weird way, to commend me on my success, but he says things like "You look so good now. You used to be so big you looked like a football player". I try to smile and act like nothing bothers me, but my throat tightens up and my eyes start watering. Even though I am not that size any more, I was once and it really hurts me that he used to think of me that way.
I gotta admit, though, I do like the new attention from boys... lol.>>

Hi, even if they want you to say more, you dont have to. Its yourself you have to please, not someone else. If they persist and ask you for more information you can either tell them more if that pleases you, and if it doesnt, politely say that you consider that a personal matter.

As to your father, only you know your relationship with him. I know how what he said would have hurt me too - I felt it just reading your post. Parents are supposed to be the source of unconditional love, including a child's weight. Is there any way you could talk to him about this? Or if that is not your relationship with him, perhaps you could respond something mildly pointed such as 'gee Dad, now that really made me feel good.' And leave it at that.

Jan 250/214/205/170?

wildblue_yonder
10-16-2004, 11:15 PM
I only wish I had that problem. It would be great if more people noticed my weightloss, after all it's no secrect that I'm fat. We can try to cover it the best way possible with our long shirts and what not but when your fat, your fat. I guess for me it would be nice for someone to acknowledge all the hard work I've done to lose the weight. We all need a little encouragement.

I can remember when I was much thinner(back when dirt was invented). I look at the pictures and yes, I do look much better minus the weight.
It could be worse, at least they are not pointing out weight gain, now that would be horrible :o

GOOD LUCK!
:cb:

sw/230 8/10/04
cw/200/
gw/130-140

jansan
10-16-2004, 11:53 PM
There really do seem to be two sides to this issue. Some people seem to really like it when others notice their weight loss. Others like me dont. I guess it proves yet again one size does not fit all. Arent we lucky everyone isnt boringly alike?

People dont seem to notice wl until a certain amount is gone, more than one might think. This time for me I suspect it will be about 20 pounds when my weight privacy is violated again since that is where it happened last time. I am in the low 200's now, so in about 10 fewer pounds...... When I started at around 250 afew years ago, it took about 30 pounds gone to be noticed.

But this time I know it will be coming, and I am ready. Fore-warned is fore-armed.

Jan

lj_cox
10-19-2004, 08:53 AM
Really, how would you expect to lose 50+ lbs and have no one notice?

I had to laugh, because exactly that happened when I lost my first 50 lbs. Going from 230 to 180, no one commented. I'd been buying Lane Bryant jeans to fit as I'd lost weight, and it wasn't until I was about 170 and had to buy a different brand that someone noticed my weight loss.

That said, I'm in the camp that would prefer people not comment. I like going unnoticed. There's a school of thought that suggests that one of the things that helps in being successful at weight loss is figuring out what the fat does for you, and coming to terms with that. And from this thread, invisibility is one of the "good things" about being heavy.

On the up side, becoming visible does get easier to handle in time, and as the weight stays off people do stop commenting.

Linda C.

JessieD
10-19-2004, 10:09 PM
Oh my gosh, I can totally relate to almost all of that. With me, it's like, ok here's this cute little plump red-head, a sophmore in high school. In about six months(of really hard work and dedication) I drop from 140 to 118 at 5'2". The attention was enormous, and made my head even bigger. But, it didn't stop me from losing; and eventually, around November of my Junior year, I was axorexic looking, and pretty much had the eating and excersize habits of an obsessed anorexic. Yet, the attention and comments kept flowing my way "Oh, you look so good," or "oh, you're so hot." Eventually, my family became concerned with the bones virtually sticking through my skin that I was completely oblivious of; after all, I still thought of myself at 140lbs. They showed me how grostesque my faragile body looked, and I soon began to change my eating habits(actually eating more than 700 calories a day) and excersizing like a maniac.
7 months, I was back to a healthy weight of 130 with a lot of muscle and two more inches taller. To see the number on the scale was hard, but the missing attention was even harder. So now, I struggle, and battle in my head "should I lose weight?yes." then a week later, it's "no, i look fine, and am healthy.
In short, I can say that the comments that I once relished, I now hate, because my head is so mixed up from all. Though I know that's not the only reason I have such mixed emotions about this weight loss/gain issue, it was definately a contributing factor.

ali_cat
10-20-2004, 06:04 PM
I hate this. I just hate getting praised for my weight loss. I makes me feel very embarrassed and uncomfortable. My mom did this a couple months back, I had lost 20 pounds and she made a big deal about it, and since then I've gained 45 pounds total. It...stinks. I'd much prefer it if people I knew kept it quiet and just kind of an off the cuff 'good job' and nothing more. I guess because I don't see it as such a big a deal as others do.

Tulip-Fairy
10-20-2004, 08:05 PM
There really do seem to be two sides to this issue. Some people seem to really like it when others notice their weight loss. Others like me dont. I guess it proves yet again one size does not fit all. Arent we lucky everyone isnt boringly alike?
Jan

There really is two sides to this story....I have spent most of my life being Slim and took it for granted at that, but a couple of years ago i started to gain, after 3 kids and hitting a big birthday people started to comment about it, i was looking "well" or "contented" how my middle aged spread was starting, my mother even pointed out that she had "gone" the same way, so what did i expect...some people were openly pleased that i had put on weight, coz "it was about time i did!!" i felt exactly the same as many of you guys, my private space had been invaded, comments were unwanted, and that feeling of fading into the background was not welcome, never being commented on got me down, blending into the background where i had never been before wasn't what i was used to, so many people didn't comment but there expression said it all (oh oh, she's put weight on...best not mention it!!!!) so i started my first diet and lost a bit, then moved on to Atkins WOE and over the next two years got back to my goal weight, it was hard work and i couldn't have done it without the support i receieved from 3FC's but now all i get from family and friends is " oooooh you dont' want to go to far, your loosing too much" or to the other extreme "well you've always been skinny, so it was probably pretty easy for you!" so my acheivement weren't really recognised!!! :?:

Oh well you can't win 'em all!! :dizzy:

jansan
10-20-2004, 09:40 PM
I also must admit, that although I really hate it when people comment when I lose noticable weight, and I can start gaining from that point, I also get miffed when I lose and no one notices. :dizzy: :dizzy:

Talk about not knowing what I want. I would say the predominate feeling is one of not wanting people to comment. I guess I want them to notice, but to not say anything about it. LOL, I have control issues too.

Jan h250/s214/c206/g?170??

BerkshireGrl
10-20-2004, 09:54 PM
Geez, I have to say when I went from 208 to 156, from a size 20 to an 8, I LOVED the attention :devil:

But then, I've spent most of my life as "the fat girl" who was in the background feeling like a :chicken: dork

Hey you wanna pay me a compliment cause I look good? I'll take it, thanks.

Though I admit there is the whisper in the back of my head that is a bit bitter that when I was over 200, I was invisible... but I think that has a lot to do with my own lack of self-confidence and how I presented myself.

almostheaven
10-21-2004, 06:10 AM
Geez, I have to say when I went from 208 to 156, from a size 20 to an 8, I LOVED the attention :devil:

But then, I've spent most of my life as "the fat girl" who was in the background feeling like a :chicken: dork

Hey you wanna pay me a compliment cause I look good? I'll take it, thanks.

Though I admit there is the whisper in the back of my head that is a bit bitter that when I was over 200, I was invisible... but I think that has a lot to do with my own lack of self-confidence and how I presented myself.

That's EXACTLY how I've felt about it. And I do think my self-confidence has really sky-rocketed since losing the weight.

Regardless of how comments affect anyone though, we all need to take the positive of whatever we can get out of it and focus on that positive aspect so that the negative parts don't bring us down and lead us right back to what we're trying to get away from.

wildblue_yonder
10-21-2004, 09:51 AM
Jan,
I am glad that you started this post because I never realized some people just didn't like the attention weight loss brings. I guess I was thinking about how I would feel if I lost the weight. I figured we all need to be regonized for our success. I just wonder how you would feel if NO one noticed or said anything about the weightloss??

A few weeks ago I was at our local McDonalds. I noticed that the manager looked familiar but I really didn't know her. I asked her if she had lost a lot of weight. She said, "Yes, 160 pounds!" :cp: (ATKINS DIET) I was amazed and in awe of her. She looked like a totally different person. I told her how great she looked. It's not that I thought less of her before, it's that I know how hard it is to lose weight and I wanted to regonized her accomplishment. So when people tell you how wonderful you look maybe they are thinking that you would like the compliment because they too know the struggle that goes along with weightloss.
I Just hope she wasn't offended by my comment. I will still give compliments, but I will be more cautious in the future.

Have a wonderful week all!


SW/230~~~CW/199 yeah baby :cheer: ~~~~GW/130-140

jansan
10-22-2004, 11:05 PM
I really do think people who give compliments about our wl really are well-intentioned and do so in good spirit. And many people love to hear it. As someone above said, if it is bothersome to hear, as it is to me, its up to ME to reframe the compliment into something that wont derail my wl efforts. For me losing enough weight to make me noticeable makes me feel as if I am less protected by my fat and hence more vulnerable and less safe. It does serve that purpose for me. But it is up to me to work on this - learn to feel safe when thin- so someone elses kind words wont make me eat again. That is giving someone else too much power.

Jan

a broad abroad
10-23-2004, 06:47 AM
Yes, I know what you mean. I don't particularly care for weight loss comments/compliments, as well meaning as they usually are, but it is often a double edged sword. I'm proud of the results of my efforts, but embarrassed that I got that way in the first place. If I had never gained too much weight those comments would not have happened.

I definitely feel it is an invasion of my privacy and personal space, much the same way as people asking me if I plan on having kids. It is a personal matter and none of their business, however it seems like some of them see it in the same vein as "what time is it?" or "do you think its going to rain today?"

Having just turned 40 I'm becoming a bit sensitive to 'middle age' mentality. After over 10 years of being heavy and invisible to the opposite sex, I'm starting to get a few glances from the men and it produces a positive feeling, almost like being young again.

Just yesterday I was at my DH's office and saw one of his workmates, Curt, whom I haven't seen in several months. As I was leaving Curt said "Oh Hi, I almost didn't recognize you with your new hair style." Yes, the day before I got a new cut and color so I was happy to divert attention to that but in my mind I thought/knew that probably wasn't all he meant. As a 50 year old guy he is wise enough to know the old adage about never commenting on a woman's age OR weight!! HA HA.

lyndaann
10-23-2004, 10:38 PM
Jan, you are so right about the importance of being prepared. I don't mind when people notice my weight loss (this time). It was a problem for me in the past however. I tried to work through the issues, prior to my starting making changes in life style. I feel sad :( when people don’t recognize me. It also bothers me when the so-called well meaning friends and co-workers tell me that I have lost too much weight and that I am becoming obsessed. I am determined not to regain the 140 lbs I have lost back again and if I am obsessed then so be it :D . The comments have caused me a lot of pain and I have found myself wanting to sabotage myself at times. I have small long bones and hide weight. This is one of the reasons I gained soooo much weight before I admitted I was overweight. I have stopped telling people I want to lose 10 more pounds and just smile when they make comments :flow1: . If the comments become to intrusive I tell them that I am working on maintaining and that I am giving myself permission to find a balance and that I hope they will be supportive.
Lynda
285.5/145/135

goeatanapple
10-23-2004, 11:00 PM
I'm a bit of a fence sitter here, most of time time I love those sorts of comments, and I'm a bit of an attention seeker at times! But, there is still the "shy" me to consider - sometimes I feel a bit werid about it all. When I was slim and pretty with big boobs, I got a LOT of unwanted attention. When I gained weight, I hated it - but it was nice and cosy and safe all the same. Who is going to want to assault an ugly fat chick, I'd think to myself. I was afraid of the changes in my body, that's why I'd always go back to it.

Now, I just want to be slim again, be damned if I get attention or not!

:)

jansan
10-24-2004, 12:16 AM
Lynda writes; <<It also bothers me when the so-called well meaning friends and co-workers tell me that I have lost too much weight and that I am becoming obsessed. I am determined not to regain the 140 lbs I have lost back again and if I am obsessed then so be it . The comments have caused me a lot of pain and I have found myself wanting to sabotage myself at times.>>

I know what you mean lynda about the comments sabotaging one. (I wish I knew what it was like to be so close to my goal as you are) But as I lose, but not yet enough for it to be noticed this time, I am hoping just knowing the comments are coming will prepare me to just say thank you and move on.

As to people telling you you're are losing too much, they are most probably afraid that the relationships with you will change, and no one likes change. They may also need to find something else besides relative weight that will make them erroniously feel superior to you. ??? One of the things I think with people who say that is twofold. If they are thin, they dont want anyone else being thinner than they are. If they are heavy, they dont want anyone else weighing less than they do either. There seems to be some sort of relative size relationship between many people esp women. As long as one remains higher in weight than someone else, even by afew pounds, its ok with them. But...go lower than them, and all of a sudden you are 'getting way too thin', and you are doing something 'wrong' with your very own body. Of course sometimes people do try to get too thin, anorexia does exist, but judging from your numbers I would guess not.

I also think sometimes people like to be able to point to someone else as being heavier than they are so they dont have to deal with their own weight.

I also think sometimes people dont like to see us lose weight, because when we are heavy, they think they are better than we are. And if we lose alot and start looking and acting more alive, independent and spirited, and might now become competition in various areas, they need a way to 'put us back in our places'. Our fat used to be what was used directly or indirectly in the past to keep us in our places, and usually we did it to ourselves, but now they subtlely have to find something else to pick at us about to get into our heads. Not all seemingly innocent weight-related comments come from pure hearts. There is a pecking order in life and we visiblely have moved out of the established, comfortable line. (there are more ways than losing weight to do this of course.) Just thoughts running wild here.

Stick to your guns. Your body is your body, and only you truly know what is best for it.

Jan

lyndaann
10-24-2004, 02:30 AM
Jan, you will get to your goal. Just try and stay focused (easier said than done). I would look at the food that I wanted to eat and say " do you want to eat the ***** or wear size (what ever the next size down was) :) . I would then go and try on clothes. When I had lost my first 50 lbs I wanted someone to notice. They said, " Did you lighten your hair?" It took me 16 months of prayer and determination to get here. I was somehow able to keep focused. Last year I made dozens of Christmas cookies, pies, and the traditional Swedish Meatballs. I didn't eat one cookie or treat. I only ate a small serving of meatballs. This year I am not so sure that I can do that :?: . I think my brothers and boys will have to settle just for the meatballs and side dishes. NO COOKIES AND TREATS. It is time for new traditions :flow2: .
You are right about the different reasons for people not being supportive. I have found that the people who are the most supportive are family and close friends ( most knew me thin. I had a co-worker tell me I was becoming anorexic. She said I had no butt. I felt like I had to defend myself :mad: . I was so upset that I found myself wanting to announce "guess what I have gained a pound are you happy!” My brother put things in perspective for me. He pulled out pictures of me at 15,18 & 25 to show me that I was thin then and guess what NO BUTT!
Keep up what you are doing and you will soon realize your goal :encore: .
Lynda

wildblue_yonder
10-24-2004, 04:19 PM
For me losing enough weight to make me noticeable makes me feel as if I am less protected by my fat and hence more vulnerable and less safe. It does serve that purpose for me. But it is up to me to work on this - learn to feel safe when thin- so someone elses kind words wont make me eat again. That is giving someone else too much power.

Jan

Jan it seems to me there is some other underlying issue that is going on with your feeling "safety" in the weight. I was sexually abused as a child and I thought in some strange way that If I had the weight on me it would make me less noticable. I now realize I was giving my control away by letting myself get so out of control and to the point of gaining weight to hide. NO MORE hiding for me. If you notice great, if you don't great too but I won't hide anymore. I am proud to be ME! :D



SW/230 CW/198 GW/130-140

Trixi
10-24-2004, 04:54 PM
The worst part for me is the people (mostly ladies) that knew me at my highest and when I lost the first twenty, I would get comments about how great I looked and good for me. Now that's it's at 44 pounds lost they don't say a word and even make atempts to ignore me, but I catch them looking. Then if someone else mentions it then they will blurt out "oh, your still doing that weightloss thing?" I have had this happen from three different ladies who I know have been up and down on the weight issue themselves and if they were doing great it would be "go Dale" if they were not working on it and had gained a few pounds then it was nothing. So I just assume that it's their issue and my job is to make sure that I give myself credit for how hard I have worked to get heatlhy and there are always going to be people that will try to sabotage that because of their own issues and I am not going to let them!

Yes, I am totally embarassed that I had let myself get to my highest and at the time I hated myself. But having people say "my god you have lost alot of weight" just tells me that I don't ever want to be in that place again, and I won't. I am hoping if I maintain my weightloss for a long time, eventually I won't be the girl that lost all that weight.

Dale

jansan
10-24-2004, 08:18 PM
I am very glad we are talking about this broad issue. There sometimes is more than meets the eye in both the person who comments, and the person for whom the compliment is intended. Most of the time I believe the comments are intended as nice compliments, but sometimes they are not. That is human nature. In either case, I dont want them to affect what I want for myself. Fore-warned is fore-armed.

As to what the underlying 'safety' issue is for me, I have looked at this deeply and honestly. Its not so much being safe from the opposite sex as is traditional in safety issues, but more from society in general. I grew up being a quiet, clever, secretive kid and learned to navigate thru life by being what I have come to call a 'silent observer'. I could watch the world around me, see what was what with whom, and then set my course accordingly to quietly get exactly what I wanted. I now have alot in my life that pleases me. I am educated, have a nice home, good trust-worthy friends, and more. This strategy has worked well for me in many areas, though not all. This method of living life is not good in all social situations however. And it also makes me uncomfortable about others comments -- it means I cant be the 'silent observer' that is both comfortable and natural for me. I am like my father. Some people just dont like being the center of attention.

Yes, people commenting on my wl has always been an issue for me, and I am working actively on it. I have written interesting lists and journals in order to both unearth as well as render peoples comments harmless to me. That's why I wrote the original message here, and I am extremely pleased others have added their feelings and insights. This is a very interesting topic and the various messages have really put alot of it into better perspective. I love looking under my personal history rocks - until hidden scenerios see the light of day, you cant work on them and correct them. And this is the one of the last that I had been unable to totally figure out and tame. I didnt even know it was an issue till it bite me in the, uh.., rear end a couple of times unexpectedly and sabotaged my wl last year.

That said, I am on my way. It feels different than before. I got tools this time, and I know how to use them.

Jan
h250/s214/c206/time goal, May 1

sherybaby
10-24-2004, 08:34 PM
Hi there! Well, I personally don't really mind when someone notices my weight loss however it soooooo....bothers me when I'm over my parents house visiting and my dad says "are you suppose to be eating that?" "It's just cutting back Sherry that's gonna help you lose" Now he's also losing some wt but I never say that to him. I already know I need to lose, I don't need any comments from the peanut factory so to speak. I know he means well but it hurts my feelings and makes me feel worse.

jansan
10-25-2004, 05:39 PM
After thinking about it for the past few days, I have concluded that unless someone is a bosum buddy with whom you discuss weight/body issues freely and openly, unsolicited comments about someone elses weight loss and hence body, is rude. My personal opinion of course.

Which of the following unsolicited comments do you think are rude, and which are not?

-I see you have finally gotten that face lift you needed.
-Your legs look nice now that you have had those varicose veins repaired.
-Nice bikini wax job (egads!)
-Have you gained weight?
-Good job on capping those front teeth
-glad to see you have had your teeth cleaned (ack)
-You have a pimple on your nose.
-Nice electrolysis job on your upper lip.
-Have you lost weight?

Well, in my opinion, they are all rude, and to many individuals, they cross personal boundries, though many people seem to think someone else's body is fair game to comment upon. Someone can give you a heart-felt compliment without making specific remarks about one's body state. 'You look nice today'. 'You have a nice sense of style', 'that's a good color on you' 'You eyes are sparkling today', And so forth. I am sure there are many better ones.

Of course if you invite comments about your weight, all bets are off.

Jan, learning more every day.

almostheaven
10-25-2004, 08:37 PM
I guess I don't see "Have you lost weight" as being rude because to me it differs from the other lines. For one, everything else, but one, was phrased as a direct statement of fact, while "Have you lost weight" is a question. But the other question "Have you gained weight" I would see as rude unless you knew it was someone who was too small and knew they'd been wanting to gain. Kinda the same reasoning on the other end...if it's someone you knew had wanted to lose weight and was overweight, I don't feel that asking is rude. It's certainly not meant to be rude.

Many people are happy to see someone able to do something...often something they themselves would love to do but haven't quite done so yet. I see my weight loss as an inspiration to others. Which is why I don't mind the comments, and frankly bring it up myself on occasion. I love to be able to inspire other people. My motto's been that if I can do it, anyone can. So I always hope that they do take notice and that it gives them enough hope to stick with it this time around.

cdtobehealthy
10-25-2004, 09:12 PM
I understand how you feel Jansan. My mom has often wanted me to do shows or public things where they work with you to lose the weight. I've never wanted to do it because I hate the publicity of it all. I don't want to be the "girl who was so fat before" or the "girl who lost so much weight" .. I just want to be me. I hate hearing it too because it just makes you realize that they're focusing on your weight. I like "you look wonderful/beautiful" a bit more than "have you lost weight!" or "You look so thin!" but I can understand how both are a bit irritating.

The best you can do is try to find a way to use it as encouragement, because people will notice and say what they think and view as a compliment. Many people don't realize what its like to be in our place.

jansan
10-25-2004, 09:32 PM
<<"Have you lost weight" is a question. But the other question "Have you gained weight" I would see as rude unless you knew it was someone who was too small and knew they'd been wanting to gain. Kinda the same reasoning on the other end...if it's someone you knew had wanted to lose weight and was overweight, I don't feel that asking is rude. It's certainly not meant to be rude. >>

Of course most of those examples were intentionally outlandish. I guess my point is that in our culture we have become so used to feeling free to ask even casual acquaintainces if they have lost weight, that we no longer see it as rude, though many who are asked percieve it so. What really is the difference in level of rudeness between asking if one has gained vs if one has lost weight? Besides cultural bias, not much really, just that we are used to one and not the other. Perhaps its more akin to asking what is one's annual salary or how old someone is. Or perhaps asking a fat woman when her baby is due.

In truth I never used to think spontaneous commenting on someone else's body or weight was rude. I didnt like to hear it pertaining to me, but other than that, I didnt think too much about it. Until.... a very good friend of mine with anorexic tendencies, was all hot and bothered by someone telling her she had gotten too thin. She went on and on about how commenting on someone else's weight/body was so rude. At the time I thought she was being abit too sensitive (perhaps because I thought she was too thin too), but regardless of intent, I also have finally come around to that point of view.

As stated, it is "unsolicited" comments about weight that can be unwelcome and have repercussions. If you encourage such comments for yourself, or know they are welcome to a friend, they are not rude. Go for it. If I felt that way, I too would sing out to the world and get deserved praises for my hard work. It is indeed a subject many like to discuss. There certainly are blurry lines here to be sure.

There is no such thing as acting perfectly.

Jan h250/s214/c206/g size 14?

lyndaann
10-27-2004, 01:04 AM
Let me put in my 2 cents :dizzy: . I understand what you are saying Jan, It is difficult for me when to much attention is focused on my body :o . It always has been. I too was a bit of a stand back kind of child who needed to feel very safe in new situations. Now, I can handle the "Boy you have lost a lot of weight,” but when the conversation becomes too intrusive I tend to want to end the conversation and eat an Oreo :( . As a child I was very thin (it's my body makeup). I was also an asthmatic and in and out of the hospital. My parents were very concerned and thus a lot of attention was focused on my weight. I could eat anything I wanted and not gain an oz. (Not great for life long habits). I have long thin bones and I hide weight well (not great either). I didn't start to gain noticeable weight until I had my babies. I would get back to my normal weight and then another baby would come along. It was in a very difficult marriage and my being thin was very important to him. So to protect myself I used weight :shrug: . Prior to my trying to lose weight this time, I did a lot of planning (yes I a planner) I knew that in the past the comments really undermined my efforts. So just knowing that helped me. To make a long story short, I agree depending on who is commenting, the comments are very rude. What I need to decide is am I going to let the comments sabotage me, or am I going to find a new ways to cope. I am finding new ways to cope and developing healthier life choices.
Lynda

KandiceS
10-27-2004, 01:28 PM
wow- I could've written this

"I also hate it when someone says 'oh, you look so good now'. What I hear is 'Oh, you looked so bad before.'. Arghhhhh! Why cant people mind their own business about my body? "

I actually posted a while back ago but on the knot.com because I was feeling the exact same way. did I not look good before?! thanks for telling me then! hang in there!

KandiceS
10-27-2004, 01:30 PM
this is what I wrote on 10/11/04 on the knot.com

I've been overweight my whole life.
since starting to work out 3 months ago (I always wanted to but the wedding was a huge motivator for me) I've lost 18.5 inches and then I started the curves diet last week. unofficially- me weighing myself on friday and then again this morning, I have lost 8 lbs since Sept 28th. I get weighed tomorrow.

But- to my question- people have started to tell me that I look good and they can tell- esp in my face and legs. Good right? I'd rather have someone say they can tell, as opposed to all the hard work I've been doing isn't showing.

BUT- the same people- I can't help but wonder- that are telling me I look good, are they just saying it because they know I've been working hard or do I really look better?
And the "you look good"- did I not look good before? is that what you're implying?

I mean I'm doing the weight loss for myself to feel better about myself, but alot of my self-esteem is how other people view me too. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep it off and then all these people that have noticed will go back whispering behind my back and all... "how could she let herself go back to that?"

somedays I guess, I just rather be fat and continue on my way I've been doing things...




You are definitely not alone!

jansan
10-27-2004, 10:04 PM
Hi Kandice and all,

Losing weight and having people notice can be a complex thing to deal with, as we all know. The bottom line is if we lose more than 10-20 pounds, people are going to notice and comment whether we want them to or not, whether we think its rude or not. Most are being kind, but dont know they may have crossed some of our personal boundries. Just know its coming, and allow what they say to be just words in the moment, and nothing more.

People will have their thoughts about us no matter what we do, how we look, what we weigh, if we lose, what we wear, what our job is, the car we drive, and so forth. There is no way to stop others from having thoughts about us. In the same way we have thougths and judgements about them and everyone else too. Some judgements are kind, some are more harsh, many are neutral. The task at hand is to realize what is in someone else's mind about us is a transitory thought, a fleeting electrical impulse, and nothing more. Dont give anyone else's opinions or thoughts of you more power than your own opinion about yourself.

Everybodys brains come up with thoughts about everything in our environment, including other people. Our brains are coming up with the dangest things all the time. If you doubt this, stop, close your eyes, and listen to all the thoughts that come up in just a couple minutes. If this is going on in our brains, its going on in other peoples too. Do we really want to live our lives based on these fleeting judgements generated by the thousands in the minds of other people? NO!

Think about it. We form quick judgements about others in the same way all the time too. If we see a woman we dont even know wearing a red dress and dont think that color looks very good on her, would we really want her to stop wearing a color that brings her joy just because we formed a fleeting visual impression? What if the person next to us likes her in red? Whose thoughts should have precedence in her decision? ...Or should she just forget about other peoples thoughts about her color choice and follow her own personal path?

I grew up in a family whose operative words were 'what will the neighbors think?'. You know the conclusion I have finally come to after decades? Who cares????? They can think whatever they want of me, and I am sure they do. I dont really care what they look like or wear, though I have my opinions too, or how much weight they gain or lose. Are their lives so boring that they have nothing to worry about themselves, or that they should have power over what I look like or do? Heck no.

Live and let live.

Jan.

girly
01-28-2005, 03:30 AM
This thread was so exciting for me to find!!! I actually quit losing the last time everyone at work had a discussion about my weight loss. One girl noticed I had lost and started the conversation. Then I started getting lots of diet advice. It made me very uncomfortable. I work with a group of women who are all 10 years younger than me and weigh half of me. I know they are all very nice and they had no idea I was actually uncomfortable with thier conversation about my huge body but it made me so uncomfortable I felt physically sick. Oh did I mention that the largest of this group is a size 8 and they are all always on the latest diet together. They always ask me if I would like to join in. I feel like the fat old woman. It makes me VERY SAD!!!! I have been putting of losing weight now and I consciously think that I don't want to stir the diet pot at work. They all want me to do south beach with them right now. GRRRRR. They are lucky I like them or I would have to sit on them. So, I have decided to just lose this weight and ignore thier chit chat. If anyone asks if I have lost weight I am going to deny it. Maybe if I stay busy enough I can avoid all of this. Doubt it though.

lottie63
01-28-2005, 08:47 AM
I Love love loooooooooove when people notice! I work hard to lose why wouldn't I want them to??? also I've never been made invisible by my fat...so nothing really changes.

Ottoette
01-28-2005, 08:56 AM
This is a very interesting thread. I know in the past I have stopped my WL when receiving too many comments and attention from men. That's my issue. I think now that I'm married and done sowing my wild oats it will no longer stop me.
I do comment on WL in co-workers. I think of it as acknowledging their hard work. I am always sure to let them know I understand how hard it is and I admire their dedication. Perhaps I will think twice now.
I expect some good comments, perhaps when I've lost 10 more or break back into One-derland. I don't think the 8 I've lost shows, personally.
I have a Dad who makes those back-handed compliments that make you feel icky. I have learned to ignore what he says and hear the real message, which is he's trying to be nice and supportive, he just hasn't a clue how to do that! This is the man who came up to me in the kitchen when I'd had my first period, snapped my bra strap and said "I hear my little girl's becoming a woman!" How mortifying was that to a young teen!
I will definitely be on the lookout for my reaction whenever I start getting any feedback. I think that's the important thing, be aware of how I'm feeling, and deal with it so it doesn't sabotage my efforts. After all - THIS TIME, it's for health and energy, not for everyone else to appreciate.

lpnin03
01-28-2005, 09:13 AM
I love to hear people tell me that they can tell that I am losing weight. Over the past week, several people have told me that they can tell in my face that I am losing weight. I will just be glad when they say they can tell in my hips and butt that I am losing weight!! LOL

CAcritter
01-28-2005, 05:20 PM
Hi all,

I'm mostly just a lurker but thought I would add my 2 cents in here if I may.

I too find the well meaning comments interestingly derailing. I have an urge to do something stupid like eat a box of girl scout cookies or something.

It took me a few times before I realized that I mostly reacted to well meaning comments from aquaintances, those bother me the most. I'm still not sure why. The compliements from my hubby and kids don't bother me at all - it's the woman at the PTA or people I met with occasionally that really bother me. Maybe it is just a feeling of personal boundries crossed but I don't understand my reaction to it. Maybe it is just an internal realization she had to have noticed how fat I was before to notice the difference now? Don't know.

But now I know about it I am prepared to deal with it. =D

ann

CAcritter
01-28-2005, 05:54 PM
Hi all,

I'm mostly just a lurker but thought I would add my 2 cents in here if I may.

I too find the well meaning comments interestingly derailing. I have an urge to do something stupid like eat a box of girl scout cookies or something.

It took me a few times before I realized that I mostly reacted to well meaning comments from aquaintances, those bother me the most. I'm still not sure why. The compliements from my hubby and kids don't bother me at all - it's the woman at the PTA or people I meet with occasionally that really bother me. Maybe it is just a feeling of personal boundries crossed but I don't understand my reaction to it. Maybe it is just an internal realization she had to have noticed how fat I was before to notice the difference now? Don't know.

But now I know about it I am prepared to deal with it. =D

ann

suechef
01-28-2005, 08:37 PM
I had one of those "foot-in-mouth-disease" comments the other day. I was at swim practice (Masters Swim Club). My dad used to belong to the club, until he moved to Jamaica (he was one of the stars, which I'll never live up to). One of his swimming friends was there the other night, who I haven't seen in a while. Harold is in his late 70s and not from the politically correct generation, but he is a very kind-hearted fellow. So, we get to the end of the lane, and I say "hi". He says "hi" and then goes, "oh, it's you, Susy, I didn't recognise you, you're wearing away to a frazzle" (a frazzle?? I had this image of the fuzzy thread you might get on a sweater). Then he says "you look so much better!".

Now, there was probably a time when I would have reacted (internally only) in a negative way. But in fact, it made me laugh. My first thought was, boy, you sure don't know how to talk to women! But I didn't mind a bit (and of course, I DO look so much better :D ).

To the general point, I like compliments, though I prefer if someone says "you look really nice today" as opposed to "you've lost a bunch of weight, you look great". Obviously we're both aware of the weight loss, no need to draw attention to it, and there is the unspoken corollary, that you look better than you did before, which even if true is generally rude (except if it's obviously unintentional, as above; two people can say the exact same thing with very different sub-meanings, and it's often very obvious). So, when I compliment people I never make weight references. Unless they bring it up, in which case I'll say how much I admire the hard work they've done because I know exactly how hard it is.
cheers,
Sue

almostheaven
01-29-2005, 10:17 AM
I picked up the February 7 copy of First at the store a couple of days ago. On page 44, Social Smarts, one question is:

How can I fend off diet questions? I want to lose about 25 pounds, so recently I started a diet and have already dropped 7. A lot of my coworkers have noticed and asked how I've lost weight. I know they're being nice, but all the questions make me feel uncomfortable. I don't really want to talk about my diet or how much I weigh with people I'm not close to. What can I say to stop their questions?

Weight loss is one of those things you can't hide, so expect comments for a long time to come. Try to see the praise as the compliment it is, but do put a stop to the nosy questions. When someone asks specifics about your diet, as in "How'd you do it?" just give them the blandest reply possible, like "I've cut back and I eat really healthy." As for "How much do you weight?" smile, look mysterious and simply say, "I have no idea, but I feel wonderful."

lmatis
01-29-2005, 11:11 AM
Wow, I had no idea that any one would be offended by acknowledgement of hard work! I'm very out spoken and very positive! I would never want to hurt anybody's feelings EVER! I have friends that go from one end of the scale to the other and we all battle the fat, eatting, and fitness issues. We all have problems, I feel obligated to tell them good job! I have crazy weight issues, I too was once to thin, but not by my own doing. My thyroid went over active, my family talks about it like I was going to shrivel up and dye. I usually have a good sense of humor, but I get really irritated if I mention losing weight and they go off the deep end with my previous illness. I'm never going to weigh 115 lbs again, I didn't mean to get that thin in the first place and I couldn't help it!! So I get offended in a differnt light, as in what you want me to stay fat and feel like crap! I know they mean well, but yes the issue of "mind your own business" comes to mind. If I have the urge to give somebody the thumbs up on weight loss I'll try to more cautious and make sure they want the encourgement! :D Oh and I hate the akward feeling of oh you really put on some weight encounters! I would NEVER tell somebody, wow, you put on some weight. (Mentioned to me at a football game the past fall for an ex-co-worker.) I forgot about that! Yea, I wanted to crawl in a hole, the big mouth had to say it in front of other people who didn't know me when I was thin!

suechef
01-29-2005, 11:20 AM
Imatis, that is horrible, I can't imagine how anyone could be so unkind. I just tried to put myself in that position - how would I have to be feeling in order to say something so awful to someone. THAT'S a person who needs to do some personal work. I think in a case like that I'd just say, "That's not a very nice thing to say to someone" or "why would say something so unkind to me?" NO WAY does that person get to make you feel bad, and I'm sure the people you were with would applaud you if you said something along those lines - not rude or nasty, just letting them know they were cruel and that it is just unnacceptable to talk to anyone like that.

lmatis
01-29-2005, 11:35 AM
It was a guy (no mannors) what can I say, he's an old school farmer. (But he has a secrect that I know about, he likes heavy women) Which made me feel twice as uncomfortable!!! I thought yuck is he hitting on me, HIDE!!! I politely told him about me being sick and asked him didn't you know? And then he felt uncomfortable! :D Shuts impolite people up every time!! They immediatly pull their daggers back quickly when I tell them I was sick! It's kind of like oh you want to be rude? I have a very strong, quick witted personallity and sometimes when someone lashes out I snap back and enjoy every minute of it. I absolutely hate mean people!! My mother taught me one thing, always treat others how you would want to be treated! I just have enough backbone to tell them what I think if they are not being nice! :D

Christalynn
01-29-2005, 12:10 PM
May I add on?

I was just posting my reaction to compliments on another thread. I don't want to be bitter about my weight loss thinking "why haven't you notived me boefore" but I am struggling with the acdeptance and compliments of others. Yesterday two people complimented me and it almost made me mad. One of them sees me me about every other day and the other hasn't seen me in about a year. The one that struck me wrong offered me a teaching job once I reach my goals. Am I mistaken or is there not overweight teachers? because of our history, I don't want to take what she said wrong but it didn't come out in a good manner.

girly
02-01-2005, 03:31 PM
After reading many of these posts its seems that everyone reacts differently. And I know that even though peoples compliments make me uncomfortable that they meen well. They are not trying to be cruel. It is my own issue. And it may be part of why I struggle to lose weight. I'm not sure yet. When I was thinner I felt okay when people talked about my weight. But now I don't even recognize myself. I almost feel like these people see the real me that I have become *THE REAL FAT ME*. I don't want anyone to see that but they do. And that is what makes me feel so awful. Its not them it is me. And especially if it is people who never knew me before I was fat. This is all they know. I guess I am just in denial of what I have become. Then there are the people who did know me and they can be just as hurtful. Because I believe 100% that people treat me different when I am thin then now. In fact I know the breaking weight. Society changed toward me at about 170- 180 pounds. At that point I could lose 10 and people saw me as a normal person. But now over 200 things are different. So maybe I am just trying to defend myself by trying to be invisible. I don't want people to notice me anymore. Anyway.... Bit of a ramble. Sorry.