Ok, this is the first time I've let myself post anything like this. I don't know if it's TOM or what (I just started yesterday, and it's a bear!), but I feel so, so low right now.
Here's the thing. This week, I hit 225. That means I lost my first 25 pounds. While I know that's nothing to most people here, to me it means a lot. But for some reason, I can't feel good about it right now. Instead, I'm feeling... ashamed that I let it go for so long that 25 pounds barely makes a dent in the way I look. Frustrated that I'm thinking about weight loss and exercise all the time (I've even been *dreaming* about it lately). Impatient, because I know I have probably a year ahead of me before I reach my goal weight. Scared, because I fear that I if I let my guard down one minute, I'll stop going to the gym 6 days a week or start eating the way I used to.
Are these things normal? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Why, now that I'm doing the "right" things, do I feel like this? Is it a delayed reaction after having been in denial for almost 10 years?
Anyway, I apologize in advance. I usually try really hard to be positive on here, but I am feeling alone and could use some support.
09-17-2004, 06:28 PM
Hmmm... I've never lost 25lbs., so you'll have to wait for someone else to answer this one. But, I do imagine many people feel that way because results are "big enough" Just concentrate on all the pressure you took off your knees and your heart! Hey, carry a 25lb bag of dog food around for a day....
***Someone should pull up that "onion analogy" about losing weight and how at first you don't notice as much, but then you do. Or explain better than I did, lol.
CHIN UP, JENNIFER!!! You're doing *Great* :bravo:
09-17-2004, 07:52 PM
When I lost 25 lbs, I cried. Mostly because I had gone below a plateau point that I had previously been unable to reach.
I hate having to think about food all the time, I think about food more now than ever. What am I going to eat? When am I going to eat? When I go out, what can I eat? Am I going to be away from home too long without eating? I also think about exercise all the time but it is more like.. Is the gym going to be crowded? What should I do today? Can I get to the class in time? If I do this set of exercises today, what can I do tomorrow? Will I be too sore tomorrow to do this or that or what not!
I felt kind of ashamed mostly because I was stupid. Last fall when I was put on birth control pills (to help control my PCOS), I found out that I could eat more and not gain weight. Ok let me tell you how stupid that was, I could've at least tried to watch my eating closer or exercised more than sporadically.
I am also impatient, I want to lose weight quicker before I lose my motivation. I want to get closer to my goal before I start to stumble and fall.
So yes, your feelings are normal. Congratulations on losing 25 lbs.
09-17-2004, 07:52 PM
How could I NOT read a thread with this title?? :lol:
Jennifer, my dear, even though Iíve been at my goal weight for more than two years, I STILL feel a lot of those exact feelings you describe. You arenít alone!
I still feel deeply ashamed that I let myself live most of my life as an obese woman. And I'm saddened and ashamed that I deprived my children of having an active and fit mom, both to play with and as a role model. When people congratulate me on my weight loss, it makes me feel very uncomfortable because Iím not proud of allowing myself to stay fat for so long. I only did what needed to be done.
And certainly I feel frustrated that I have to spend so much time and effort in maintaining my weight loss ó as much as it took to lose it in the first place. I used to believe that once I hit my goal weight, Iíd be transformed into a ďnormalĒ person, so that weight maintenance would be easy and natural. Well, for me at least, itís not ó but every bit of effort and planning is totally worth it, let me assure you! :D
And finally, oh yes ó Iím scared. Iím terrified of regaining the weight, as is anyone whoís read the abysmal statistics about weight loss and regain. Youíre absolutely right ó we really canít let our guard down because weight regain would be incredibly easy for most of us. But I use that fear to motivate me ó I donít ever want to lose it and become complacent about where I am now.
But I balance the fear with the knowledge that only *I* can ever make myself fat again. Iím in total control of my weight through every diet and exercise choice that I make every day. I simply refuse to let myself go back to where I was -- thereís nothing but pain there for me.
Yes, everything youíre feeling is completely normal and Iím sure most of us can identity with every word that you wrote. :) But donít be surprised if you keep on having those feelings, even after you reach your goal. Thatís the wonderful part of having a community like 3FC to come to every day ó where else can we find a group of people who feel just like we do ó when we thought we were the only ones??
09-17-2004, 08:21 PM
Wow! Jennifer, everything you said is exactly how I felt when I reached 225 (which was 25 lbs lost after I finally started weighing myself). You should know that it does get better. You will start to notice changes in your body soon, and then it will go faster and faster. When I lost the first 25 lbs I felt like nothing changed. But the second 25? It seemed like every 5 lbs brought me down another dress size. I do still think about food and exercise a lot, but I'm not nearly as obsessed. It's more automatic. I just know what's right without planning so much. It's been almost a year since I started losing weight and I'm not as scared about regaining. I know what I need to do to keep my weight under control. I've done it for a year successfully and there's no reason why I can't keep doing it. That's the big difference for me. When I was 250 lbs I felt so out of control. After I lost the first 25 lbs I remember crying everytime I messed up with my eating or exercise. I was a mess - I don't know how my husband (naturally skinny of course) dealt with me. Now I really feel like I'm in charge of my body and it feels GREAT.
09-17-2004, 10:46 PM
Yes, I went through the same thing after I'd lost the first chunk of the 170 or so I needed to lose. My Jenny Craig counselor said, "The past is the past; you can't do anything to change it, so let it go. All you can worry about is now."
Still doesn't mean I don't regret having let this go for so long, but ... I'm just grateful that I woke up, so to speak, and I'm overjoyed at the new things I've experienced because of weight loss that I never thought would be part of my life. So, you give a little, you get a little.
09-17-2004, 11:11 PM
25 lbs is a lot to ALL OF US! It is a great accomplishment. Don't be down on yourself for "letting yourself get that way" focus on what you have done to get back on track and just look at the awesome accomplishment of 25 lbs gone. That is totally wonderful. I am so proud of you. We have all felt ashamed and depressed that we let it go and tortured our bodies into obesity. You are making an awesome effort to change that and thats what counts! You are a beautiful smart and SUCCESSFUL person. You can do this I just know it. And we all fall off the wagon! The key is to jump right back on it. I think its TOM making you feel this way.. You'll see. You need to celebrate this 25 lb accomplishmet! It's AWESOME..
09-17-2004, 11:44 PM
ya know what.... i bet having those 25 pounds off IS making a difference in the way you look. you just can't see it. (just like i can't see when i am doing something good or making a difference) it might not be anything major so look for small things. like... the way your clothes fit, the way you feel when you walk or work out, things like that. to me, and a lot of other people on this board, 25 pounds is a huge milestone and you've done a great job! it will get better. i promise. (now if i could only listen to myself! LOL)
09-18-2004, 12:23 AM
Aww, Jennifer, never ever be ashamed or afraid to share here. That's why we come here -- we take turns giving and getting care when we need it. I'm all for being positive and putting the best face forward, but sometimes you just can't quite muster it, you know? And you need friends to bolster you and give a more objective viewpoint.
I felt EXACTLY the same way whenever I lost anything until I got to maybe the 40ish mark. I STILL feel it sometimes. And it feels awful to be feeling awful! I was so ashamed of myself for letting myself go, destroying my good looks, and so drastically reducing my ability to fully participate in life's activities. I though in those terms instead of rejoicing in the 25 pounds -- I would ACT like I was excited about the lost weight, but it wasn't pure, untainted pleasure. It was always tinged with regret and self-admonishment......some kind of punishment for what I'd done before I started losing.
I think you're going to have to just ride it out, sweetie. You're going to have to talk yourself through all the positive changes you've made, until you begin to believe that you actually deserve to be happy with yourself. That's what I did. I had mental conversations with myself all day, really making an effort to speak to myself as kindly as I would someone else. (You would never treat someone else to the coldness and lack of compassion that you're doling out to yourself right now, would you?) Jennifer, you go to the gym like 5-6 times a week now! You make healthier choices with your food, you pass up temptation all the time, you're supporting your husband in making positive changes......and you have lost 25 freaking pounds as a result of discipline, focus, and hard work!!
With time and repetition, and the piling up of results, you'll feel this way less and less. I'd imagine we'll both -- like most of us here (we're in some good company) -- always feel a bit of this complicated, fraught emotion. Look at Meg and funnigrrl -- they've both achieved amazing transformations, and still they take none of it for granted. Maybe it's the healthier of options to remain uncertain of our success; maybe it beats complacency and a feeling of immunity. The thing is that you WILL grow to feel more joy as you put more and more of the weight behind you (no stupid pun intended! :lol: ) and move forward ever more firmly into this new, permanently healthy chapter of your life. I know it. And you're talking about a year stretching before you....before you know it, Jennifer, you'll be looking at six months behind you, and wondering how they passed so quickly! The time will pass regardless, you're just going to pass it this time, this year, with a lot of weight loss.
Jennifer, if ever you want to talk or need someone to vent to, please feel free to PM me, or come here and share it with the group -- that's what we're here for! I think you're doing SO well, and I really respect your efforts and hard work. You're going to be just fine, you sweetheart. I think you kick ***. :grouphug:
09-18-2004, 12:48 PM
Thank you guys so much for the kind and wise words. I'm kind of embarrassed now that I said anything. I do think TOM is contributing to my state of mind.
You're all right, of course. I know I just need to keep doing the right things, and since this is a true lifestyle change, the sense of mindfulness can't -- and probably shouldn't -- go away. While I *know* these things, sometimes it just *feels* too difficult to keep up. But somehow, even on days when I think, "I just can't do this anymore," I find the strength to go to the gym, to pass up a bowl of ice cream, to walk instead of taking a cab.
It also just helps to know I'm not losing it and that other people have felt and do feel the same way.
Thanks to all of you. I appreciate this forum more than you could know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some weights to lift and some cardio to do :).
Jen hearts 3FC.
09-20-2004, 04:11 PM
I think you are doing a great job and I agree that we've all felt that way at some point. I wouldn't worry about feeling embarrassed for posting it. Like I said we've all felt that way, most of us just suck it up and don't say anything and try to move on. WTG on the 25 pound mark. Can't wait to hear you've reached the 50 pound mark.