Lighten Up! - Intelligent Quotes?




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KymboShrimp
08-13-2004, 06:30 PM
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush



found on Jokes.com


gatsby
08-13-2004, 06:45 PM
the saturday night galas at the refugee camp are simply devine but oh those pesky flies...always ruining my eyeliner!


gen

lessofsarahtolove
08-16-2004, 03:15 PM
Those were great!! :rofl: :lol3:


rochemist
08-17-2004, 12:17 PM
Deep Thoughts
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5)"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirabl! e job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to f! ind you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be de! ad." --Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ' My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

Ilene
08-22-2004, 07:23 PM
OMG tohse are so cute!! :rofl:

Samantha2002
09-24-2004, 09:04 AM
Love these!!
:) Sam