I couldn't find a generic thread for humor here, so I thought I'd just start one! ;)
Some thoughts about dogs.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. Dave Miliman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret
06-23-2004, 06:52 PM
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at your self.
06-23-2004, 08:05 PM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and
thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying,
but I remember the guy you're talking about."
06-23-2004, 08:33 PM
Subject: recipe for baked stuffed chicken
When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for
people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give
this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with
melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing
and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end
toward the front of the oven. Listen for popping sounds.
When the chicken blows the oven door open and flies
across the room, it is done.
06-24-2004, 08:32 AM
:rofl: You ladies are hilarious! I have a great cartoon to scan in today and share...will post later. :)
06-25-2004, 12:50 PM
I love these comics, Pearls Before Swine, but I can only read them online. You'll find them (and tons of other comic strips) at www.comics.com.
06-25-2004, 12:53 PM
06-25-2004, 12:53 PM
Loved this Non Sequiter comic strip: (Darn! Just realized you guys probably can't read it at the size that's allowed for the image. The sign on the window reads, "Rehab Clinic" and the doors read, from the left, "Alcohol", "Drugs", and "Krispy Kremes")
06-25-2004, 12:57 PM
06-30-2004, 12:15 AM
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
06-30-2004, 12:17 AM
Man Falls Asleep At Church...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
:censored: thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your :censored:!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
06-30-2004, 12:25 AM
Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
06-30-2004, 12:19 PM
:lol: These are too funny!
07-01-2004, 09:51 AM
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
07-01-2004, 09:53 AM
Once again, the Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk on a sprained ankle with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
07-04-2004, 08:05 AM
It's not so complicated!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
07-06-2004, 12:11 PM
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.
07-08-2004, 11:23 AM
My mom found these and they're just too cute:
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the **** is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my @ss coming into work today." :lol:
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
07-08-2004, 11:27 AM
SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY
"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding the two stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, two tablets."
"When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"Fight Truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles leads to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay
is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" -- ( U R )
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"You can complain because rosebushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn
bushes have roses."
07-08-2004, 11:53 AM
Ellis, that one about God is hilarious...especially the end! Had to send it on to my cousins in Toronto. My younger cousin always praises the Canadian Health system...saying that any time she needs even a bandaid, she just walks in and the put one on, no charge. Maybe it's people like her who keep my 93 year old grandmother from getting glasses for 8 months. Oy!
07-09-2004, 04:09 PM
How to weigh yourself accurately.
(All this time, I was just doing it wrong! :lol: )
08-02-2004, 10:28 AM
What It Means To Be Canadian
(By Kevin Burns with thanks and apologies to Will & Ian Ferguson's "How To Be A Canadian")
At least once in our lives, you will hear us screaming, "Hap me. Hap me. Tumbuddy pwease hap me!" (The sounds emanating from that person with a tongue frozen to a flagpole, even if Mom said, "Don't do it.!")
Our national animal is the beaver; renowned for its hard work, even temper, industrious nature...oh who are we kidding. It's a forty-pound water rat whose most heroic trait is to slap its tail to warn his buddies before he runs away. And it's not like we were short on choices either. But we stuck with the beaver and now we spend millions every year blowing up and bulldozing the work it does. So very, very Canadian.
It's here in Canada, where the vision of Jesus was found on the side of a Tim Horton's in Bras D'or, Nova Scotia (Cape Breton Island), thus now making Timmy's the new found Church of The Land. Finally, a seven-day-a-week shrine. Now we line up in droves every morning to toss a Toonie into the collection plate and be blessed with a fritter and double-double.
Only in Canada do we know what either a fritter or a double-double is...or a "Toonie" for that matter.
Although our country is vast (about 100 square miles for each person), we settle mostly near the U.S. border and huddle for warmth.
If it's not deep-fried in grease and covered with either sugar or gravy, we won't eat it. See "Poutine" in Quebec, "Beaver Tails" in Ottawa, "Elephant Ears" on the Prairies and TimBits at every crossroads.
Maple Syrup - If it comes from a tree, it must be healthy.
Molly's Reach - Home to Nick, Jesse and Relic. The Persephone is out front. You've got to be Canadian to get it.
Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."
We, as a culture, will actually pay someone to sell us furniture that we have to put together with a little odd-sized wrench that tends to create more curse words than heard on Christmas Eve. Oh, but we're smarter than the Swedes, aren't we?
Driving in Canada? Here's what you need to know:
In the Maritimes, everyone says, "After you!" It's done with a little flick of the headlights. So polite. So Canadian. Traffic is slow.
In Montreal, it's gang-jaywalkers. Since it's unlikely that a driver could take out the whole crowd, they break the law in packs.
In Toronto, the traffic lights are interpreted as follows: Green - "Don't stop." Yellow - "Faster. Faster." Red - "Screw 'em. they deserved to die."
In Winnipeg - "Sorry." (If you've been there, you'll understand it.)
In Saskatchewan - The word "Saskatchewan" is an ancient native word for, "I can turn left from any bloody lane I want." Turn-signals are sold as an extra on cars.
In Alberta - Posted speed of 110 kmh means for each person in your car.
In Vancouver - pedestrians are viewed simply as slalom obstacles that continue to move. Applying brakes while on this course is not allowed.
In Victoria, since there are no cars, only golf-carts and motorized wheelchairs, there is no reason to turn up your hearing-aid, since you wouldn't hear them coming anyway. Speeds not over 20 kmh.
"Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
Speaking true Canadian eh? Here's a phrase only Canadians would understand. "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went and bought a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way to the duplex. So I get the half-ton and I was trying to deke a deer, eh. Friggin' Chinook melted everything. Then this Mountie in a ghost car gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L. Only had my toque and Stanfields on. The Mountie, he's all chippy, calling me a "S**t disturber." So all I could say was, "Chimo."
Canada, where it's never too cold to go to the mall!
How to get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool. Simply say, "Could we please ask you to get out of the pool?" They will.
In Saskatchewan, there are skid marks on the Trans Canada highway. The question remains, "What did someone have to stop suddenly for that they didn't see coming for miles?"
Curling. An Olympic sport we may not have invented, but we perfected it by encouraging smoking and drinking while on the playing surface.
Bonspiel - another word for "big drunk." Adding booze as a prize in a Bonspiel would seem redundant.
While coffee shops around the world are charging over $3.50 for a cup of coffee, in Canada, our prices are actually going down. If Tim Horton were still alive, he'd be Prime Minister.
There is a lot of Canadian money in Third World countries, unfortunately it's mostly Canadian Tire money since many Canadians have a fun time convincing unsuspecting street vendors that the picture on the money was of our King.
Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.
Only in Canada would a guy stagger out of a bar at closing time, attempt to navigate every square inch of real estate between the front door of the bar and his car. He would stagger and stumble in plain view of the police, unlock the car door, get in, start the car and wait for the police to stop him from driving any further. It would be then that without a slur and without a drink consumed, he would inform the police that he was, in fact, the "D.D." (not Designated Driver but "Designated Decoy" so that his drunk buddies could run to their vehicles and drive home.)
Mike Myers, Dan Ayckroyd, Jim Carrey, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Brian Adams, Caroline Rhea, Jill Hennessey, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Dave Foley, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet, Lorne Greene, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Martin Short, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Shannon Tweed, Louis B. Mayer, Lorne Michaels, Monty Hall, Rich Little, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Robbie Robertson and Cirque de Soleil are all household names. They only became household names when they left the household (Canada).
Canadians have a deep respect for authority and they prefer law and order to anarchy and freedom. Why? Because the authorities told them to, that's why.
I am Canadian. (Not available in Quebec).
Canadians dislike Americans but they're not sure why.
If you hear the name "Elvis" and think of figure skating, you're Canadian.
Canadians have photos of themselves taken beside large objects next to the highway. (If not a large object, then in front of a Provincial boundary sign).
And finally...Canadians remember where they were when Paul scored, when Ben got caught and when Wayne was traded. (Real Canadians don't need last names).
It's Good To Be Canadian Eh?
08-03-2004, 04:53 PM
Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories...those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the one remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No, just the ones you need.
Q: Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Yes, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs,but I need the name brand. I tried Generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that.
Q: I thinkc I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.
Q: Will health care be different in the next century?
A: No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
08-03-2004, 05:01 PM
Laurie, those are hilarious!!! :rofl:
08-03-2004, 11:10 PM
Beachgal (a.k.a. Laurie)
I am still laughing at the elevator jokes. Tears streaming down my face! These are hilarious. The trouble is, I could see myself doing a few of them at work!
Thanks for the laugh I really needed it tonight!
08-04-2004, 07:11 AM
So this guy and his wife are in the garden weeding. The guy looks over at his wife and says "wow, your butt is really big!" "In fact it's huge!" "Your butt is so big I bet it's bigger than the barbeque grill!" He proceeds to get a tape measure and measure the grill and then his wife's butt. Sure enough, it is bigger than the barbeque grill. His wife doesn't say anything, but continues to weed the garden.
Later that night they are in bed and the husband is feeling a little frisky. He rolls over and says, "ya wanna get lucky". She looks at him and says, "if you think I'm gonna fire up this big *** grill for one teeny little weenie, think again"
08-04-2004, 09:55 AM
:rofl: Girls, those are GREAT! :lol3:
08-04-2004, 05:50 PM
Senior Citizen Alphabet
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental replacements and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can't show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu?
R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray-- and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind!
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
Ain't being a "senior citizen" great???
08-04-2004, 07:05 PM
Love those both!!! Peggy, thanks...I definitely have to copy that for my Bobie...she will love it and pass it around the nursing home! ;)
08-22-2004, 10:14 PM
>A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> >pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
> >together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
> >"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
> >in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and
> >after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are
> >you?" he asked him.
> >"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
> >"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
> >"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
> >replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
> >The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little *******s."
08-23-2004, 03:10 AM
:rofl: Thanks I really needed a good laugh tonight. :D
08-23-2004, 06:06 PM
Thought this one was really cute!
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and
that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic
forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then
post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
08-23-2004, 06:44 PM
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Jenn, this was hilarious, but I especially loved the one above. Thank goodness no SBDers do that! ;) (I've been in groups where that happens, though... :faint: )