100 lb. Club - My marriage is in trouble, and I am falling apart!
05-30-2004, 12:09 PM
As most of you know my husband is in Japan til October or November and has been gone since March 5th. We argue alot over the phone about anything and everything. I have been previously married before and in that marriage he came home one day and just said he did not love me anymore and left. No explanation, nothing. I never saw it coming. That has made me insecure in this marriage. Since my husband and I have been arguing all the time I am constantly thinking he is just going to walk out to. I am a complete wreck. My eating the past couple of days has suffered also. One night I had chinese buffet and the day after that I just snacked myself into tons of calories. Although I have tried to make him a part of this weight loss, I don't think that I am doing very well. I am so much more active now and just not home alot, and he was used to me being home and available to him all the time before. Sometimes I feel it just would be easier to go back to the way it was before. Me at home all the time and fat, so he is not wondering what the **** I am doing all the time. I feel like the worst wife in the world by not being able to find a resolution to our problems. I am not meeting my husbands needs and I feel he is not meeting mine. Thank you all for listening. I truly do feel like I am loosing it.
05-30-2004, 12:16 PM
Oh, Tammy, I'm so sorry to hear this. :grouphug:
Don't add more stress to yourself by constantly worrying about what you did wrong the last few days. Try to sort about the present issues, because you can't "uneat" things.
05-30-2004, 02:48 PM
Tammy - Get thee to the Family Services Center! That's what they're there for. Also, don't you have some sort of ship's spousal support group you could turn to? The things you are experiencing are pretty common to long deployments and are solvable.
Jennelle (a Navy wife for 14 years)
05-30-2004, 03:13 PM
Don't always know the right words ~ you are in my thoughts. Hugs and prayers for you.
05-30-2004, 04:46 PM
I'm so sorry, Tammy! You're under an incredible amount of stress here--it's enough to rock any relationship. I agree with Jennelle about the Family Services Center. Talking with someone who knows what you're going through will do you a world of good.
Don't beat yourself up over the Chinese buffet. Just call it a mere blip on your weight loss journey. You deserve to be healthy and fit, Tammy, no matter what anyone says or does. You CAN work through this and both of you can get what you need.
05-30-2004, 05:02 PM
Really sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time, Tammy. Sounds like the Family Services Centre and/or the navy spouse support group might be a good idea. And don't give a second thought to the chinese buffet....just try and look after yourself the best that you can.
Yes maybe being at home all the time and feeling fat and miserable may save your marriage temporarily but in the long run it will do in your marriage as much as you going out to exercise. Also you won't feel good about yourself and if you can't love yourself how can anyone else?
I'm not a marriage expert, goodness knows I have enough marital problems of my own but I don't think that it is fair for your husband to expect you to sit at home waiting for him. Does he support your weight loss efforts or does he want you to stay overweight and this is his way of sabotaging your efforts?
It must be difficult to have a long distance relationship like this where he is gone for long stretches. I agree with the others who have advocated seeking counselling, even if he can't go it will still help you starting coping with these problems. Good luck and best wishes.
05-30-2004, 06:55 PM
Oh Tammy you poor thing!
I'm not married yet - but I do have a couple of practical suggestions , and I sincerely hope that they help. :)
How about sitting down and writing him a long letter telling him how much you love him and then tell him everything you have said in this post - about how insecure you feel, about your weight loss and anything else that needs saying.It sounds like he is feeling insecure also - so reassure him that you are losing weight for yourself AND for him, that you want to look and feel your best for him when he comes home. Tell him about everything that you are getting up to in your new active life - and tell him how much you wish he was there to share it with you. :blah: :blah: :blah:
I know how hard it is to really express yourself on the phone - if I was speaking to you on the phone now, I would not be saying half of these things - I'm much better at writing! You expressed how you felt perfectly in your post to us, so you are obviously a writer too! :write:
It is doubly harder to express how you feel if you both are tense and your hu sband is upset that you weren't in earlier. In relation to this - could you both agree a set time when you know he will ring and you know to be in? Even if it is a two hour period each day - it's better than him expecting you to wait in all day and night, and being upset when you aren't in.
It sounds to me that you both love eachother very much, but are under alot of stress, as anyone would be in your situation.
I hope this helps you!
All the best
05-30-2004, 07:59 PM
It is hard being home and meeting all the exectations of your husband while he is away. It sounds like you are not the only one feeling insecure in this marriage. He must also be feeling some insecurity or would not question you as he does.
From my experience, we women tend to feel compelled to make sure everyone is feeling good before we tend to our own needs. I would recommend that you do seek counseling and meet with others that are in similar situations. However; I would also recommend that you begin to work on your self esteem, if you can't feel good about yourself, regardless of the weight, you will never have a good marriage or any other relationship that you get involved with. Peace begins inside.
I don't know if any of this helps or hinders, but I have suffered similar. I had to raise my self esteem and begin to feel good about myself in order feel content.
Take care of you!
05-30-2004, 09:58 PM
It must be so difficult for you. I am sure that everything will be ok. It's hard not to let past situations get the best of you. Just think when your husband comes home in Oct/November.. you'll be such a changed woman, he won't be able to resist you! We're all here for you! Maybe a letter expressing your concerns and feelings would help.. Heart to hearts are always good. Being so far apart (distance) could put a strain on even the strongest marriage. *Hug* Take care of yourself. We're all pulling for you. It will be ok. :)
05-30-2004, 10:56 PM
Tammy, I wish I had some great advice for you that would fix everything, but all I can do is agree with what others have said and be here for support. I think the idea of a letter is excellent, please think about giving that a shot. Good luck and be strong, this too shall pass.
05-31-2004, 12:10 AM
I did the letter thing two days ago and sent a nice card. We talked a bit today online and that seems to help since it does not get as heated up when we are speaking through messenger. We both agreed that we are sick and tired of arguing. He sees me as a very angry person but I mask hurt with anger. I never knew that until I really had to think about it today. I also told him that and I think it might of helped. At least it made him understand a little bit better. I guess I'm a pretty complicated person.
Ok, now about his ship. He is stationed on the USS Coronado out of San Diego. This is the ship that told him absolutely not he could not miss the three day cruise out into the bay when our baby was due. We fought that and finally won. Our daughter was in the hospital two weeks after she was born and they did not want to give him that time off either. This ship offers NO support. They are not in the least bit family friendly. I think if he had more support on the ship he would be doing alot better. They don't even have a chaplain on the ship. I think there is just tons of pressure on the both of us during this deployment. He had to leave when Kara was only four months old and will not be back until she is over a year old. He is not dealing with missing her first year well at all. I don't blame him. That would be extremely hard for me also.
It has helped me alot to be able to talk about it here. Thank you all for listening and your kind words. I don't tend to talk about things til they are really, really bad. Probably not the best way to go about things. To me asking for help shows weakness. I know that is just messed up thinking on my part. But, I am learning I can't let these things get out of control anymore. It's not healthy for any of us.
Thank you all so much. Everything you have said has made my day so much better. My biggest concern is to not let this get out of control and binge eat. Because of you all I was able to keep my sanity today and think a little more clearly. You guys are just great. I will check out the family support center. This is our first really long deployment and we just are not in the swing of things yet. I think I am going to have to work a little harder with him with my communication and that will probably help heaps. Wow, this got long. lol..sorry. Once again thank you all. It helped my day out tons.
05-31-2004, 04:19 AM
Really glad that you found some help here, and are feeling a bit better. Sounds like maybe you are finding a way to begin to work on things with your husband......it takes time and patience, you know! I completely understand the 'not asking for help' - I used to be like that until a couple of years ago....now I have learned the being able to ask for help is a sign of strength.....you have to be confident in yourself to do that!
As to the binge eating. I have been going through an emotionally difficult time with my mum's illness, and have successfully stuck with my eating plan and exercise......what I did was treat myself to all kinds of good food (exotic fresh fruits, fresh fish, healthy meals at my health club), and when I really wanted to binge I ate low fat yoghurt and fruit, rather than fighting it. Also, when I get that urge, I think about how I will feel just after I have eaten lots of junk/un nutritious food, and remind myself that it takes a few minutes to eat, and a few days/weeks to undo the effects!
I hope things get better for you
05-31-2004, 03:52 PM
I am sorry you are going through so much. Can I make two suggestions. One as we change our lives the world reacts to us differently and sometimes we need help developing new skills. Personal counceling might help wiht that. Second as we change those who are used to teh roles we play usually do not want us to change. They will do anything to make all the things they are used to go back to normal. If you hang in there they will get used to the new you and they will adapt. Remember you are a different person with new needs and new coping skills and you are growing every day. The ones who love you just might need time to catch up wiht you.
05-31-2004, 09:09 PM
tammy... so sorry to be so late in responding... everyone has offered wonderful advice. and you are sounding so much calmer after talking with him. and he sounds like a keeper... how many men in this world would even notice that we'd mask hurt with anger????
and he sounds genuinely interested in what's going on with you and with the baby...
soooo. here's my suggestion... journal journal journal. so that you can communicate with both yourself and with your husband about what's going on at home. in EVERY area. my goodness, girl... being alone at home with a young baby is MAJOR stress... and add to that the fact that he's in japan... in the navy... and wants to be involved in your life [at least from what you've written]. ya gotta figure out some way to keep the communication flowing.
you're well on your way. there's a lot on your plate without even setting foot in the chinese buffet!!!!!
so glad you're hanging around here...
05-31-2004, 09:43 PM
I decided that I can not let this stress me out so much. Both of us are trying really hard to figure out just what the other needs. And, yes it is so hard to do from a distance. It probably would do me good to journal. And even better to let him read it so that he can be aware of what is going on here without me flying off the handle at him when I think he does not understand. I really have alot of insecurities to get past. I need to realize that he is not just going to walk out on us. Thinking that everyday is making my hair grey. So, I have decided that this is not going to kill our marriage and since I have started thinking that way I have noticed today that I have not used food as a comfort. Self-realization can be a real b***h. Makes you learn alot about yorself and it is necessary. I'm so glad I found all of you. Your help and advice means a world to me and then some.
05-31-2004, 11:36 PM
:angel: Hey there...sorry I am so late getting on this. Not much more that I can add, as usual everyone here has done a great job with some advice and you already sound a little better.
:grouphug: We are here when you need us :grouphug:
06-01-2004, 03:48 AM
Sounds like you're finding a way through this horrible time - I'm really glad. And maybe a bit of a breakthrough moment as well? That's great on the comfort eating front.......Mind you, grey hair, eh??, ah well, that's a reeallyyyy eaaaassssy one to fix!
You take care of yourself, and keep posting!
06-01-2004, 05:48 AM
My mom is an Air Force wife. My stepfather's basic training took place RIGHT after their wedding. And I mean he left about a week after the wedding. :eek:
One of the things that helped her the most was to write. She put aside a special notebook that she would detail our days in, how she was feeling, what was happening, how much she missed him, etc. She sent him the pages once a week. This was a long time ago, way before the age of cell phones & calling cards, so a phone call was a luxury that we just couldn't afford.
He felt like he was still a part of things, and it helped her not to feel so helpless, as the military has a habit of making wives feel. Only now, almost 20 years later, do they listen to her when she communicates w/the base.
We're glad you found us, too!! *hugs* That's one of the things I really like best about 3FC. No matter how alone you think you are in what you are going through, there is ALWAYS someone here who knows what you're going through, can relate, and is supportive.
06-02-2004, 12:23 PM
I'm glad to hear you are doing better. I'm in my 2nd (and last marriage) and I too still deal with tons of insecurities from the first since I was married to a cheater and habitual liar and what helped me the most was to go to counseling. she told me it usually takes a minimum of 2 years to get over a divorce (of course I married my sweet hubby just 1 year later). He is wonderful at understanding and we've hit a couple of rough spots and he just gives me a big hug, tells me he knows where I've been an we work through it.
Good luck and this time apart will be over with before you know it.
06-02-2004, 02:27 PM
Tammy.. hugs to you!!!!
You are so loved here...
Pray to God to help your marriage and for wisdom when dealing with this tough time.
I will pray for you too!!
It can get better... it's not lost!!