100 lb. Club - Adventures in hiking

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04-30-2004, 12:58 AM
I know I'm in here constantly endorsing the benefits of hiking for fitness and try to pass myself off as an outdoorsy type, but I'm ready to fess up that my experience of last Sunday has made me re-consider my favoured form of exercise.

I live little more than hour from the sprawling metropolis of Canada's largest city, yet minutes from my subdivision there are still farms and forests. In fact, my favourite trail system is only 10 minutes away by car, so a friend and I decided to take advantage of the cool, yet spring-like weather, and set out for a wee hike.

It's an 18km paved trail system within a beautiful valley with plenty of wooden steps, dirt pathways up steep hills, and sturdy bridges over babbling brooks, so it's a really good workout that takes just under 2 hours, depending on your choice of trail. On Sunday though, it turned into a 5 hr. nightmare.

Not content to walk the marked trails, my friend (who considers herself a true nature nut) insisted we venture into the surrounding forest to make for a more challenging workout and so we could truly appreciate our surroundings in their most natural form. "What if we get lost?" I asked timidly. She assured me that so long as we walked in a southerly direction we'd never be too far from civilization and, in any event, we'd eventually meet up again with the trail system. I was a bit skeptical because, as mentioned, we were deep in a valley, surrounded by Canadian Shield and though subdivisions and strip malls may be in close vicinity, getting to them is a different matter. However, I followed her blindly into the abyss.

Oh yeah, it was nice for the first hour or two, until a frog leaped up out of a bog and bounced off my stomach, the shock of which caused me to stumble and brush my leg against poison ivy (excuse me while I re-apply my calamine lotion), and then I walked straight into a low branch (forehead height) because I was looking down trying not to step in deer poop, and, to complete the poop equation, a Canada Goose (no doubt back from wintering down south) flew over and pooped on the top of my head. Okay, I'd had enough and didn't mind telling my friend I was ready to be led back to the trail so we could find our way to the parking lot, go home and clean up. One look at my friend's face told me all I needed to know. Then she confirmed my worst fears we were well and truly lost.

I was not a happy camper (in fact, had I been a camper at least I would have had a tent and provisions). As we wandered around aimlessly I tried to think what Richard Hatch would do. My survival skills being non-existent, I began to fear what would happen when it got dark (I think I read somewhere that you can start a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together, but that wasn't an option).

As time went on I had to inform my friend we were clearly going around in circles. When she asked how I knew, I was tempted to say it was because I remember having already seen that rare coniferous tree to our right, but the truth was we'd passed the same dang squirrel at least 20 times and at this point it was rolling around the ground laughing it's tail off at us. Miss Know It All Nature Lover told me not to panic because she knew that the sun sets in the west, moss grows on the east side of trees, streams run in a southerly direction and the petals of Trillium flowers always point north. So, as far as I could figure, we were in a south-easterly north-westerly position, which meant absolutely jack to me because I'd been kicked out of Girl Guides over 30 years ago for smoking (before having attained any orientation badges)!

Presently a gust of wind arose. My friend wet her finger, then held it up to determine what direction it was blowing. However, I was suddenly distracted by a sense of the oh so familiar. My friend saw the look of revelation on my face and anxiously asked if I'd seen or heard something. "I smell KFC" I bellowed. I instinctively followed that scent of chicken flesh rolled in herbs and spices burbling in boiling trans-fat. Reaching a particular spot, I stopped and pointed skyward "It's up there".

Naturally it meant having to scale a sheer cliff (well, let's say it was a VERY steep hill) which was tough going as the dirt was still soft and moist and difficult to grip. I thought at one point I'd have to abandon my bra and use it as a lasso (I figured the cups would fit securely around a couple of boulders and I could hoist myself up but I feared for my friend, seeing as her bra would do little more than dislodge a few pebbles.) Fortunately it did not come to that, as eventually we were able to scramble up (after some belly shimmying). As we crested that cliff, bloodied and muddied, lo and behold our salvation stood in all its glory; proof that my nose had not failed me KFC!

It had been over five hours and I was a little light-headed (not to say thirsty and hungry), so perhaps I just imagined that the Colonel's beady eyes were willing me to enter, yet did I succumb to his charms?? NO!! Okay, I have to admit it might have been because the only money we had was my emergency telephone quarter, which I promptly fished out of my soggy hiking boot and used to call a cab to take us back to my car!

I'm considering joining a gym. :D

04-30-2004, 04:18 AM
:lol: "I smell KFC. It's up there." :lol:

Thanks for the good laugh. :)

04-30-2004, 08:23 AM
Wow what a time! KFC to the rescue!

04-30-2004, 11:46 AM
oh my goodness. poor jill. at least you have a good story!!

04-30-2004, 01:11 PM
OMG, tears are falling because I'm laughing so hard! The goose poop on the head clenched it for me. :rofl:

Goddess Jessica
04-30-2004, 07:30 PM
Jill, woman, you tell the best stories. If you wrote a book, I would read it.

05-01-2004, 09:43 AM
I seconed what Jessica said! That was a great story! I'm sorry it really happened to you but I'm glad everything turned out o.k. It certainly could have ended up much, much worse. Thank goodness for your keen sense of smell and good old KFC! Please don't give up your beloved hiking, but you may want to consider sending your friend off to the gym for her own safety!


05-01-2004, 10:17 AM

Oh wow ~ what a time you two had. I'm glad you are both ok ~ and things turned out well. I don't think I'd give up the hiking, but I might have second thoughts about going with that person, or at least listening to her guidance when hiking again. You do such a nice job of telling the story. It sounds like some of the messes I have found myself in.


05-02-2004, 01:32 PM
Great story, Jill. Thanks for making me laugh!

Ivanna B. Skinny
05-02-2004, 05:41 PM
You are a great story teller! You should consider it for a living!!! :rofl:

05-03-2004, 12:26 PM
Jillegal - Goddess Jessica is right! You have got to write a book! I am sitting in my office laughing out loud....my co-workers are going to think that I have LOST IT!!

Out-doorsy-shmorsy! Blah! Who knew a former love of trans-fats would one day save your life???!

05-03-2004, 12:53 PM
Aw shucks :o - I'm glad you enjoyed my story. I always find it relaxing to vent with the pen in times of distress, but it's my daughter who's the real writer of the family (and she's well paid for it too). I did mention to her all your kind words and suggested she might have inherited her talent from me - "Better that than your hips" was her reply. Brat (and so close to Mother's Day too).

Anyway, I gave the trails another chance this weekend - I stuck to the marked route (like glue). Ran into that squirrel and he gave me the thumbs up.

05-03-2004, 12:55 PM
Sounds like your daughter also inherited your sarcasm?? ;)

05-03-2004, 04:15 PM
jilll. what a wonderful tale!!!!! maybe you need a new friend/hiking companion???? you certainly have a great sense of smell. and frankly, i would have eaten the darn chicken at that point!!!! you had certainly burned off more calories than you'd have eaten1!!!!!

and my sister complains about MY adventures.. they're NOTHING compared to yours, jill!!!!

you're welcome to head south anytime you want a nice, safe, well marked hike with a partner who doesn't stray off the trail...

05-03-2004, 06:20 PM
Great story...I'm glad to hear you hit the trails again. Makes me miss my adventures of hiking (the last time I went my friend had just had her baby--he's now almost 9--and we both made it up the first hill and turned back around huffing. It's sad though that we hiked up the 2 mile trail in about 45 minutes a few weeks before that with her 9+ months preggo) Ahh the younger days.

05-04-2004, 12:46 PM
Okay Jiffypop - it's on! How about we meet in....say Chicago, at the end of June and see what kind of adventures we can get into hiking around the windy city? ;)

P.S. - it would be appreciated if everyone could take a moment and say a li'l prayer for my embattled Maple Leafs, who face elimination tonight. May the force be with you, sweet boys in blue!! (Congrats Calgary!!)

05-04-2004, 03:21 PM
I'll say a little prayer for your boys in blue Jill!

I stayed up until the middle of the night watching my Calgary Flames...I am so wiped out! They won...so it was worth staying up for (thank goodness!).