Carb Counters - Okay - Let's Really Get Creative...once Upon A Time....
02-01-2004, 08:42 PM
Better, and more fun than word association - the never ending tale!
A story begins - we each add a sentence or two or a couple of paragraphs....and we're off and running....let's see how creative we really are....I'll start...no need to copy/cut and paste...just continue on next "reply".
Here we go!
Once upon a time there was a very slim and sexy lady called Carborina....despite her curves and lovely body alas she was alone and drowned her loneliness and sorrows in some low carb beer and a single malt scotch now and again.
One evening, while sitting at the local watering hole she was approached by.....
02-01-2004, 08:55 PM
Dr. Phil who asked her to join him for his "Dont hate because Im Beautiful " show .
Corborina agreed to join the group but had one condition .
02-01-2004, 09:28 PM
That he would set her up on a date with
Richard simmons. Because, well, he's gay and high carb--it would never work.
Kim in NJ
02-01-2004, 11:30 PM
Dr. Phil could not agree to her condition but approached her with a second offer....
02-02-2004, 12:09 AM
He could hook her up with a Tony Little look alike and years supply of...
pure liquid splenda, imported directly from...
02-02-2004, 06:51 AM
Portland, Oregon and various Canadian providences....areas known for their low-carb enthusiasts. But the slim and sexy Carborina said "NO!" It wasn't Splenda she yearned for, it was......
02-02-2004, 08:42 AM
.....caffine. Carborina was horribly addicted to caffine and was always looking for a low carb way to get her next fix. It was finally getting to the point where she didn't care about the carb count, and she knew this was dangerous.
Not being able to hide her secret any longer she broke down and told her entire story to Dr. Phil who suggested....
02-02-2004, 08:43 AM
someone that didn't look as good as her. That way in the morning she could...
02-02-2004, 09:50 AM
roll over and be scared out of bed by the sight of who was lying next to her. Her adrenaline would be pumping so hard that caffeine would no longer be a necessity.
Carborina thought this over and decided....
02-02-2004, 10:03 AM
... that it wasn't such a horrible idea. After all, it had been quite some time since a man had sent her heart to racing... even if it was going to be in the negative way. So, Carborina set out in search of an ugly man.........
02-02-2004, 10:13 AM
Now, ugly men aren't hard to find, but Carborina wanted a terribly ugly man. One that would really do the job. So, she wasn't satisfied until she found...
02-02-2004, 12:46 PM
Carl, the owner of Carbohydrate World, the nutrition store that offered every food item in the world.. double the carbs. From the moment she saw him, Carborina knew....
02-02-2004, 12:50 PM
she'd found her man. He was a mass unevenly colored flesh accented with an array of pocks, scars, pimples, and a certain spot near his neck that looked a little oozey.
Carborina took a deep breath...
02-02-2004, 12:53 PM
walked up to him and said, "will you marry me". He looked so shocked he fainted. And because of his.......
02-02-2004, 12:56 PM
inability to speak his mind, mumbled and stuttered out a yes. Turning redder and more sweaty he asked..
02-02-2004, 01:24 PM
... Carborina if she would reach into his pocket and grab his white-flour filled chocolate bar, so he could regain his strength. By the feeling this created in her gut, Carborina knew she had chosen the right man. Seeing this guy beside her every morning would indeed...
02-02-2004, 01:44 PM
cause adverse reactions, and cause the buzz (that coffee gives her) to immediately happen upon awakening and realizing who she was sleeping next to. So she smiled at him and said...
02-02-2004, 02:30 PM
"Of course, Carl. You are the answer to all of my prayers, so your wish is my comm......WAIT A MINUTE! Who is that gorgeous hunk restocking the double sugar/double fudge brownie endcap?" Were her eyes deceiving her? Could it possibly be that the man standing just a few carbohydrate-laden aisles away was actually her......
02-02-2004, 03:43 PM
.... brother's best friend? The hottie hunk she remembered from high school? Oh boy did she ever want to make a good second impression. Standing up and leaving Carl the Carbohydrate King to lay on the ground in a sweating (and slightly oozy) pile she approached the endcap, ran a hand through her hair and said...
02-02-2004, 04:09 PM
nothing! Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out. Horror! Carborina just stood there frozen - unable to speak or move. He grinned down at her and...
02-02-2004, 05:53 PM
said "If your looking for the fat free triple cream stuffed double chocolate snake cakes they're in isle 3." She gasped and...
02-02-2004, 08:01 PM
looked at the magazine rack directly behind the rippling pecs pointing to aisle 3. There, on the rack, was Dr. Phil's face staring at her from the cover of the Daily Star. Blazoned across the bottom of the cover was the unbelievable headline, "Dr. Phil.....
02-02-2004, 08:43 PM
tells all..yes it turns out Dr. Phil was a sham - a snake oil selling fraud - his home made degree was from the University of Timbuktu and his Ph.d....well let's just say the printing press in his basement sure came in handy.
Carborina was so shocked to see this news as Dr. Phil was her idol - forgetting all else (including the gorgeous hunk and Carl the oozing pile of carbs) she ran into the street with tears streaming down her beautiful face......her eyes were so tear filled that she did not see the.....
02-02-2004, 11:58 PM
truth that lay before her....she decided to fix this wacky mess she had made for herself. But how???? She had now found her sexy soulmate and she had also found her oozy carb laden man was a human indeed and though ugly worth her respect.....
If she could only find Carl something meaningful to do with his life and take his mind off of her.....
YES an idea...the Wack Pack!!!! She contacted Howard Stern immediatly to see if she could get Carl a spot in Howard Stern's wack pack and he would be as famous as Stuttering John and High Pitch Eric!!! All those public appearances would keep him busy and famous! When Howard accepted her offer she ran home to tell Carl. He was so.......
02-03-2004, 03:34 AM
SHOCKED. Someone... No, Howard "Freaking" Stern, wanted him to be on his show??? Could this be possible? Carl, the oozing, blubbering and otherwise disgusting carb-ladden man -- famous??? It just didn't seem feasible. Carl always had the secret desire to be a rock star, and this was close. Carl couldn't believe his luck. Jumping up and down, causing near earthquake-like vibrations, he looked at Carborina and said...
02-03-2004, 07:19 AM
"Carby, baby, you're the greatest! Do you think they'll also do a show about active polygamists with fabulous pecs, because if they do, Bruno the stock guy would be perfect!"
Carborina, at first startled by this revelation, slowly broke into a smile. Even though she realized that her carbo-laden store owner with a face not even a mother could love AND her multiply-married but gorgeous pec-man were soon to be gone forever, she was slowly devising a plan for her own happiness. And that plan would begin with........
02-03-2004, 09:22 AM
with buying her own low carb store & resturaunt so she could spread the word of Dr. Atkins, be able to support herself and be on her own. After all these revelations she thought, " I am gonna kick this looser guy to the curb!". The first thing she did was.......
02-03-2004, 11:08 AM
... pick up a bag of triple-caffine coffee from the shelf on her right. She may be getting her life in order, Carbornia though, but she wasn't going to be doing it without caffine. She laid the money for the coffee on the counter and walked out of the carbohydrate-laden store leaving the bouncing Carl and the bulging Bruno in the dust that was beginning to fall from the ceiling of the store (due primarily to all of Carl's jumping).
Upon arriving home, Carborina brewed up a pot of the triple caffine coffee and made a phone call to..
02-03-2004, 01:21 PM
Her best friend Lenda. Lenda was a sweet gal. and had known Carborina for years, through thick and thin. She had helped Carby achieve the body she now had. Lenda herself was known for her low-carb culinary creations. And, her favorite color was yellow.
Carborina asked Lenda....
02-03-2004, 02:19 PM
how she thought she should get the store going. Lenda was splendidly surprised to hear that someone would have the guts to openly admit that Atkins was the way to eat. So she volunteered to pitch in and help get the store going. The first thing they both did was....
02-03-2004, 02:24 PM
buy some tiaras. Carborina and Lenda both believed very strongly that they were princesses and that all the women who would be visiting their store would be princesses, too. Best to have a good supply on hand. ;)
After the princess-wear had been purchased, the pair got to work on...
02-03-2004, 03:33 PM
... ordering all of the supplies for the Ultra Low-Carb Paradise store. The process went fairly quickly as everyone was ultra-eager for a low-carb establishment such as theirs to come into existence. In fact, in the last election the President had been elected by a huge margin and it was thought his pro-Atkins platform had been his ticket into the White House.
After the store items were all efficiently ordered, Carborina and Lenda headed to the day spa for their royal treatment. Both girls started with a mud mask and it wasn't long after the mud had been applied that another woman (who smelled slightly of lemon chiffon mixed with cinnamon) was shown into the room. As the technician began applying a mud mask to this new woman (who smelled slightly odd), the woman began to rant and rave about...
02-03-2004, 06:33 PM
the taxi driver that cut her off on the way over here making her bite into the lemon filled powered doughnut a disaster. Lenda could not keep her giggles under control, the more this women ranted and raved the harder she would laugh. The women got up being very irritated with this, peeled the cucumbers off her eyes and...
02-03-2004, 08:14 PM
jumped up, shouting "Girlfriends, I'm about to stick these cucumbers where the sun don't shine!" Carborina and Lenda stood gaping at the spectacle before them. There, standing only a sweet Italian sausages length away from them, mud dripping from her chin, cucumber seeds glistening on her cheeks, stood the CEO of Harpo Productions, Oprah herself. The cucumber seeds could have been the seeds of inspiration themselves, because Lenda and Carborina turned and looked at each other, both realizing what this moment meant for them and their plans. They turned to Oprah and said....
02-03-2004, 08:21 PM
"Can we be on your show to talk about our new Atkins store?" Oprah, surprised, looked at them and said "What in the world is so great about Atkins. I heard that was bad for you." Carborina and Lenda looked at each other and grinned. They then ushered Oprah to sit down, relax and listen to what they had to say. By the time they were done Oprah had a gleam in her eye and a plan. She decided that she herself would try Atkins so that....
02-03-2004, 08:58 PM
she could become slim and gorgeous enuf to have the guts to pull off a Janet Jackson bares all stunt at next year's superbowl....how exciting would that be?
Oprah was just filled with ideas and while the ladies chatted they did not notice the other mud slathered face next to them - listening carefully and speaking discreetly into her palm sized tape recorder....why who could that be??? Well it was none other than...
02-03-2004, 09:59 PM
It wasn't a her it was a HIM!! It was Dr. Phil in disguise and he was riding on Oprah's coat tails again, trying to listen to the ladies conversation. Oprah descretely recognised her stalker and told the ladies she would meet them at a top secret location to discuss their further plans and her plans to financially back the girls if they could help her loose 20 pounds in 1 month. She whispered the location in Carby's ear she said......
02-03-2004, 11:13 PM
When the swallow flies north at midnight, meet me at the intersection of East West Street, and West North Boulevard. There I will reveal my diabolical plan to take over the world... I will from this moment on be known as "Brain" while you, my dearies, will be known as Pinky and Tall Man.
But seriously, after they all got over their good laugh, they decided to meet at Oprah's favorite coffee shop.
There, Oprah told them...
02-04-2004, 12:34 PM
...what her ultimate goal weight would be. Carborina and Lenda presented Oprah with her very own copy of the Atkins book and told her that alll she needed to know was inside. Oprah began reading immediately turning the pages, her mouth salivating at the thought of how good being thin would feel.
What the ladies did not know, as Oprah sat reading the book was that Dr. Phil, having ridden on Oprah's coattails for so long knew exactly where their meeting would be held and was in fact only a few feet away from them, hiding behind a newspaper!!!! He could hardly keep his excitement to himself and he chuckled and chortled behind his paper, plotting....
02-04-2004, 03:36 PM
the downfall of Oprah's Atkins start. He figured if she started on Atkins then all his fame and glory would be thrown out the window. So the more he listened the more he resolved to get rid of the 2 girls. After all, if making sure Oprah fails the Atkins plan and the other 2 girls aren't around to help, he can be there to help Oprah pick up the pieces. So he left and went....
02-04-2004, 03:50 PM
to the bank to get some money for reinforcements.
However, while crossing the street, Dr. Phil was decapitated by his own book that someone had thrown out of the window of their car. It was a terrible mess and quite a tragedy for many people.
When Carborina, Lenda, and Oprah heard the news....
02-04-2004, 10:50 PM
They were startled and amused at the same time...it all seemed so ironic. They started Oprah on her new way of eating, they explained to Oprah that Atkins is not a diet that it is a way of life and she was about to change her life and her way of eating for life and she would feel great.
Meanwhile Stedman happy in his fortune he had from Oprah was at his downtown apartment sleeping with his skinny girlfriend on the side. They happened to catch the commercial for Oprah's new show and it talked about her new found weight loss plans. Stedman was horrified, he threw his chick outta the bed and ran to get his clothes on "if she looses weight then I am done for, she will look for something better and dump me off the gravy train" He ran out the door "BUT Stedman wait you forgot......"
02-05-2004, 12:47 AM
"Your pants.... and my lipstick, on your collar. Oprah will be furious if she finds out about me!!"
Stedman ran on, the warning unheeded, but never made it to the studio which is where Oprah and "the girls" were setting things up for the show. He mysteriously disappeared and was never heard from again. The skinny girlfriend was heartbroken.
Back at the studio, Oprah got a mysterious phone call telling her that "it was taken care of..."
The girls were a little taken aback to accidentally discover that Oprah was actually the kingpin of the Chicago Mafia. They were suddenly a little nervous... and as they looked around over their shoulders, they saw...
02-05-2004, 08:54 PM
The Godfather appear - yes it was Marlon Brando, shuffling in with his pants undone and his fly open - but nevertheless it was him...in the flesh - and there was a lot of it!
Oprah had an idea - what if we put Marlon/The Godfather on Atkin and show everyone how it's done and how we can return Marlon Brando to his previous studmuffin status.
Carborina and Lenda looked doubtful - would it be possible to morph this pudgy guy into something hunkable? Well maybe, but first we should definitely call.....
02-05-2004, 09:55 PM
Richard Simmons, we need someone who can get this guy exercising, but not just anyone we need someone experienced with BIG people. Carby made a phone call and told Richard of their plans for Oprah and Marlon, Richard was elated to help. He packed up his tank tops and silky shorts and was on his way to Chicago......
02-06-2004, 10:06 AM
.....where upon arriving Carby and Lenda were horrified to see the man before them. There was Richard Simmons, still in the same tank tops, still in the same silky shorts but with a WHOPPING HUGE BEER GUT!!!! It would seem that Richard, devastated by how he had so easily faded into the scenery so many times in his life had taken to drinking beer. And not just any beer, regular carbohydrate loaded beer. In fact, he had a beer in his hand when he got off the plane, his tank top was hanging a little to the left exposing one man boob and he had his other hand down the back of his silky little shorts doing God knows what.
Carby and Lenda looked at each other and...
02-06-2004, 08:37 PM
quickly calculated that a chest and back waxing was not only definitely in order, but could possible shave up to 2.06 pounds off his now-bloated frame. Plugging their ears with some wax to help deafen his childish screams, they worked through the night, attempting to complete the first step in their plan to restore the aging exercise icon to a semblance of his former self.
The next morning, after finding Richard huddled in the bathroom over a box of honey glazed Krispy Kremes, the girls realized this was too monumental a task even for their combined efforts. Someone else would have to be recruited for the job. But who? They quickly came to the realization that there was really only one person with the know-how to help. Only one person with the sheer determination, knowledge, and power to pull this one off. So, out of desperation, they called......
02-06-2004, 09:23 PM
Jane Fonda - the next best thing to Richard Simmons. As a former aerobics exercise queen they figured that she must be able to do something - either about Richard, Marlon or Oprah!
Jane answered and listened to Carby and Lenda's predicament - hmmm she pondered, now where did I put my striped leotard and matching leg warmers? and do they still fit? Up to the attic she went to find her gear...unfortunately on the way down she slipped and broke her hip (too bad she was not taking her calcium supplements regularly) and was now out of commission.
The girls sent her flowers and were getting very discouraged...Oprah was harassing them about the show....Marlon was licking melted butter off his fingers....and Richard was trying to get him to rub it over his newly shaven chest - not a pretty picture to say the least.
Carby and Lenda decided it was time to.....
02-07-2004, 01:40 PM
Take over themselves, they quized each of the 3 on all of the points of Atkins and started teaching them to count carbs and do their daily food log, then the key point for sure.....each got an account on 3fatchicks.com, daily they started posting their food logs for everyone to see and they noticed that with the support of the people on the message boards it wasn't as hard as they thought......all the sudden the 3 of them noticed that low and behold they were loosing weight!!! Not to mention they felt so energetic and happy. They just felt GOOD!!!! SO GOOD that they felt like exercising!!! They all got memberships to Bally's total fitness and they would work out there at least 3 times a week. The were beeming and beautiful!!!!
Carby and Lenda by this time with the financial help of all 3 of these people had opened up a full size LOw carb resturaunt/ store and plus & regular size clothing store all in one for all walks of life!!! They felt so great looking at their 3 little students that they asked all 3 of them to be spokesmodels for their new store, they all agreed and were eager to help.
It was all great until........
02-07-2004, 02:39 PM
everyone else jumped on the bandwagon - not only had Subway introduced more Atkin wraps and snacks, but so did McDonald's, Burger King, Red Lobster and othe rmainstream restaurants....poor Carby and lenda were forced to declare bankruptcy.
They were left with some old Atkins bars (stock from the store), a few xxl pairs of sweatpants, and some used Richard Simmons tapes......feeling dejected they went to the airport and decided to......
02-07-2004, 03:46 PM
go to South America for vacation, they still had a little money left and they were going to burn it away!!
After flying into the biggest airport in the middle of South America they just got a car and drove for days. FINALLY they found an oasis, a beautiful little city of cabanas right on the beach. They checked in!!
When they checked in they found out that their american dollars were worth 4 times more in South America than in the US, they were still rich!!! They partied!! WHOOOOOHOOOO. Then they found out what this little town was all about.....it was made by women for women!! Each cabana had your very own RED HOT CABANA BOY!!!! yippeeeee He did all of your washing and fetching, all were certified in massage and aromatherapy, and were bartenders too so that they knew just the right drinks to make. They also were personal assisstants to do all of your work for you too so you could party and make money, they also were personal sylists and cheuffers. And They had certified nannies and teachers for the chicks with kids!!!
Heaven on earth!!! Plus remember the cabana boys were RED HOT too (if you know what I mean!!)
Oh my goodness we will have to live here for life.......
02-08-2004, 07:57 AM
this is pure heaven. Lenda had an idea. While Richard was on the 3fatchicks site one day, she remembers looking over his shoulder and seeing a recipe posted about homemade protien bars. She remembers what great responses it had from others posting and how delicious they sounded. "Carby" she screamed "there is still hope for our fame and fortune yet!"
She whispered in Carbys ear explaining all the details. Carby jumped up and down excitedly. "Yes! this will work!" The women quickly called over one of the cabana boys and....
02-08-2004, 11:28 AM
They send Carby's Red Hot Cabana Boy on a mission to gather ingredients!! NO better place to make the bars than right here...no spys and everyone thinks we are done for so we will have plenty of privacy!!!
The sweaty red hot caban boy reaturns tired from his efforts but he has all the ingredients they need and they are off to work. Lenda notices though that things are sweet enough for the bar she has a splendid idea......
Carby tells her Cabana boy "why don't you take a swim and cool off when we are done I will......
02-08-2004, 11:14 PM
let you rub me with oil...and sample my new protein bars - guaranteed to put more muscle definition on the already RED HOT cabana boys.....however little did Carby and Lenda know that while out searching for the ingredients - the little spy of a cabana boy copied the recipe and had already sold the patented recipe to none other than.....
02-09-2004, 01:05 AM
Martha Stewart, she was looking for fast money and a new business because she has soooo many legal fees now! The red hot cabana boy got a handsome sum for his deal with Martha and Martha got.......
02-09-2004, 12:11 PM
What she deserved... since the RED HOT cabana boy failed to convert the recipe from metric to standard correctly so the protein bars that Martha made were definitely NOT a good thing. They were downright nasty - so the girls were still in business.
The RED HOT cabana boy may be really HOT looking, but he was a little short on the intelligence area because he got caught and then fired - so he may be really rich from Martha's money, but he was OUT as far as tending to the ladies. Poor Sap - he decided to seek his fortune elsewhere in the world while Carby and Lenda plotted their futures as low-carb protein bar mavens.
They were working on their new flavors when the phone rang....
02-09-2004, 03:42 PM
"Can we talk?"....why it was none other than the famous Joan Rivers - she had heard about the soon to be released protein bars (seems her new pool boy had a distinct south american accent and had a great dislike for carbohydrates)....and wanted in on the deal.
Carby and Lenda were not sure what to make of this? What could Joan Rivers to for them in return they pondered?????.......................
02-10-2004, 09:26 PM
....and pondered....and suddenly.....
02-10-2004, 11:09 PM
it occured to them! Joan, who has swindled most of her money on cheap booze and south american boys, was in desperate need of a new beginning. She needed something big.. something grand, to bring the spot light back her way. They saw through Joan and her demented plans. They were not about to let this recipe fall into her hands. "NO THANK YOU!" screamed Lenda into the phone and quickly hung it up.
Meanwhile, in a distant place, Bill Gates and his forces of darkness were gathered around a large round table......
02-11-2004, 12:05 AM
"we have to take down these girls" he said "as soon as they make these bars and promote 3 fatchicks.com all of our e-businesses will fall apart." He looked horrified... " they will only want to log onto one website and it will take over the world, plus now that I have been taking Trim Spa I decided to go into the fitness business and I don't want to compete with a bunch of fat chicks!"
Sitting on the other side of the table was a very thin blonde woman. The blonde woman returned to her desk and pulled out her purse, hidden in her wallet was a picture of her in a former life....she was a 300 pound woman....she had lost it all on Atkins but none of these people her at her work knew that, they just thougth she had always been this blonde hottie you see before you now. She looks closer at the picture....Carby is standing next to her in the picture. They are smiling, arm and arm, such good friends....she hadn't seen Carby in years.....not since their Induction days.
Ally DaVinci (the blonde woman) has an idea.......
02-11-2004, 11:01 AM
they were hit with pure inspiration! There was nothing Joan Rivers could do for them! They needed The Fab Five! Gay is in - old women who've had too much plastic surgery and dress terribly are out!
They quickly went over their plan with Oprah. She was terribly excited about a slim down, whole life makeover so she picked up the phone and...
02-11-2004, 09:49 PM
ordered some low carb pizza - god she was so hungry talking about all this yummy food.
The doorbell rang, and who should be standing there holding the pizza box but....
02-14-2004, 03:05 PM
Carby's nephew Zach, he was so happy to see Carby. The family had been looking for Carby since the news of her Protein bars had been released to the public, but no one knew where to reach Carby, when Carby's mom had received a frightening phone call.
The woman's voice on the other end of the phone had sounded panicked and she said "please find Carby and tell her she is in danger....All I can say is Bill Gates" and she had hung up. Carby's mom faintly recognized the voice but she couldn't place it. The whole family went in search of Carby not knowing what had become of her and Lenda.
Zach was elated to find Carby safe and they all dropped the pizza and ran straight to Carby's mothers house. Carby's mother was totally shaken "OH CARBY there is another call.... the woman left a message on the answering machine this time!!!"
They all gathered around the answering machine to hear the message.....Carby immediatly recognized the voice!!! It was Ally Da Vinci.......
02-16-2004, 11:03 PM
...and she meant business. As they were standing there shocked....a big rock was thrown thru the window.....on it was a note and a bag of Hershey's chocolate kisses...they unwrapped the kisses and started enjoying them...then someone got the note and began to read...it said.....
02-17-2004, 12:54 AM
Foolish women! I knew I'd get you! These kisses are made with sugar alcohols!!! You'll be spending so much time in the bathroom, you won't have time to accomplish anything!!!!
And that was it. Who would send such a thing? And why would our heroines cave in so easily to a high carb temptation? Was there any hope at all?
02-21-2004, 09:48 PM
Of course there was - suddenly there was a knock at the door - the women were scared to open it - and peered thru the peephole...who should they see but....