1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead, especially if you have to get very close in order to check.
2. Never read a book of "demon summoning" aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to ****.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or
crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations,
some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open
flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of
fireplaces in this regard.
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, howdo I get out?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through
a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An
American Indian........ on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him...... on the horse and they
trotted off. The ride was uneventful, except that
every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!"
and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so
excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing....she said.... I merely sat behind him on
the horse.....put my arms around his waist, and held
onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady....." the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback".
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets
into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned.
I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a
Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Thank you, Merrylegs... just what I needed this morning... a good laugh. 
