[Warrior]

Hey guys, i'm Shona (Warrior) from NZ

My story so far -

I was using this forum in 2012/2013 (aged 16/17) and within 12 months I went from 198lbs to 135lbs. Then from the end of 2014 to the start of 2017 I developed some really unhealthy eating habits.

I started chewing up and spiting out junk food then went to purging and starving by mid 2015. My left thigh started going numb on a few occasions, and I was taking pain relief most days for headaches.
I was sleeping for 12-13 hours a night but still found myself falling asleep on my lunch breaks, and struggling to make it through my shifts.

Then the time came when I was starving myself all day so at night I could eat a chocolate bar or 2 (by this point I was also consuming 500ml - 1 litre of diet drinks (somedays more), more days than not). This led to me carving sugar really badly - waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back to sleep until i'd had my fix.

The start of 2016 I started consuming 'normal' food again but still in-taking a lot of sugar, obviously that lead to gaining weight - like REALLY FAST! Within 7-8 months I gained back EVERYTHING I had lost. For the past 6 months I've maintained my weight and I have been dropping my sugar in-take steadily. I have also managed to wean myself off the diet drinks so I am proud of myself for that - I no longer have cravings for them, so that's a blessing.

I have never told anyone any of the information above before, although my family and a couple of my colleagues expressed their concerns for me when I was at my lowest weight, saying I was very drawn in in the face and very pale. But no one has commented on my rapid weight gain.

I'm so over the looks people give you, having no energy, being to big for my clothes, the humiliation of being so unfit that I sweat and have a red face over doing the tiniest amount of exercise (esp when i'm at work) and just plain not feeling good enough.

I'm fully aware I should be going to the doctors and talking about this and getting blood tests, to make sure I haven't done serious damage to my body with the amount of sugar I have shoved into my body over the past year and a half. But to be honest i'm far to scared and embarrassed, as I've said no one (apart from you guys now) knows about any of this - I know that's a lame excuse, but that's how I feel.
As far as they everyone else is aware, I lost a lot of weight and then gained it back.
Once I get back into a healthy eating pattern and my weight starts falling back off hopefully I'll find the courage to go.

I'm sharing my story here 1. because it's been a very lonely 2 and a half years going through all this and I know you guys can understand a lot more than someone who has no idea about the struggles of weight.

2. I also just want to share this in the hope it can prevent someone else going through a similar situation. I, myself said 'I'm never going to be that person who obsesses, loses more than necessary or loses it then gains it all back' but look where I am now. You don't really realize it's happening until you're into deep, and then it's very hard to stop.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

[Keika]

Hey Warrior, first off, I'm so sorry about everything you've had to go through, physically and emotionally. You certainly are a "warrior," both for going through it, but mainly because you've come here. If you're posting here about this, to us complete strangers, that's a great sign that you've taken steps towards reaching a healthy lifestyle again. You are super strong and brave to share with us like this, and I really want to commend you for it.

I do have to recommend that you go visit your doctor. With everything you've gone through, not just the sugar but the purging and starving, it's really important to make sure your body hasn't been damaged. There's a lot that can happen to your body--just about everything is dependent on getting fuel, from blood and muscles to kidneys and your heart. The doctor will be able to help you recover if any of those things have been damaged, before something really bad happens as an effect later on down the road.

Also, if the doctor is worth any kind of salt, he's not going to judge you. He will compassionately listen to the things you've just told us, he will not offer judgments or condemnation, and he will kindly work with you to make sure you're in the best condition possible. I obviously can't speak for the entire world of doctors, but every doctor I've ever been to has never so much as flinched at anything I've told him or her.

Take it one step at a time, and definitely start with the doctor. But, I would definitely recommend finding someone you trust, who you know won't judge you and will be compassionate and helpful, to tell all of this to. We as humans are social creatures, and everything immediately becomes a hundred times easier when you know you have someone in your corner to help you out. You don't have to take this person to the doctor's or anything, but having someone sympathetic who you can talk to about this will immediately lighten the load. You do not have to go through this alone.

Nothing you told us here is something to be embarrassed about. I'm not a doctor, but it sounds to me like you've been suffering from an eating disorder. That's about brain chemistry, and it is not a reflection of you as a person. PERIOD. I've dealt with anxiety disorder since at least early high school. Trust me when I say that disorders like these are triggered by hormones and chemicals, not by weakness. This trustworthy person who you can talk to will know that, and will help you. I repeat, this is not a reflection of you as a person. You are so courageous just for posting here, and don't ever think you're not!

You're such a warrior! Good luck in all you do!!

[EagleRiverDee]

Hi Warrior! Welcome back to 3FC. It sounds like you hit a bad spot but now are coming back out of it, I am very glad for you that you've seen how unhealthy your behaviors were and have committed to greater health. I, too, think you should enlist the help of a doctor. Rather than think of a doctor as a judge or enemy, see them as part of your "team". I have a doctor, a nurse practicioner, an acupuncturist and a massage therapist that I consider my health care team. They each have a role, and are very helpful to me. Because it sounds like you had developed/may still have an eating disorder, it is important to get a doctor involved. The good news is that at your age you probably will bounce back very quickly, but eating disorders often require some help, so don't hesitate to reach out and take it.

Bless you on your journey back to health!