[Elladorine]

I recall making a post here a few years back lamenting on how it seemed the only way I could lose weight was if I was completely obsessed. Thinking about restricted eating constantly. Planning and planning. Feeling terrified if I had to eat at a relative's and was uncertain of what might be served. Feeling petrified of going to a new restaurant. Feeling angry and resentful that I couldn't just relax like the people around me so I could actually enjoy food.

What I didn't talk about (or even want to admit to myself) was that I also felt strangely competitive and judgmental. I was constantly comparing myself to others. My self-esteem seemed directly related to what I was currently eating; "good" choices made me smug, and so did watching others making "bad" choices. My "safe" window of acceptable food was diminishing to a handful of overly-strict, meager options. I wanted to hop on the scale 5 times a day, seeking validation that I was doing "good." Clothes had to fit just right at my current size or I'd want to throw a temper-tantrum. If I didn't follow my plan absolutely perfectly, I'd fall apart.

In other words, my obsession for becoming healthy became unhealthy, and ultimately became my downfall. Just like every other time in my life I'd lost a significant amount of weight: I'd run out of steam and the switch in my head would flip over to "I don't care" mode.

So what happens if I'm not obsessed? I feel completely out of control. I find myself returning to the kitchen over and over again to grab another serving of whatever has my current interest until the entire box is gone. I'll go to fast food joints I don't typically visit to order the largest, sweetest, most fattening ice cream treat they have, and make sure to pay with cash so there's no record for my husband to see. I can't even enjoy what I'm currently eating, because all I can think about is what I'm going to eat next. Sugar might as well be cocaine, it becomes a "need" that I can eat all by itself.

A little background: I've had GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) all of my life, but was only diagnosed with it when I was also diagnosed with postpartum depression. I was eventually diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) as well. Since then I've been put on medication and have worked hard with my doctors and therapist to get my anxieties under control.

I tried to speak to my psychiatrist about feeling out of control with my eating, especially around sugar, as it's been getting progressively worse. He chuckled and shrugged it off, telling me that we all struggle with that. But seriously, I don't think everyone does, at least not to the extreme that I do. It's not as if we all used to weigh nearly 400 pounds. It's not as if we've all gained back 50 pounds in just half a year. Thankfully, my new psychiatrist understood my concerns and has taken steps to help me. And in light of this, my therapist referred me to a new therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

I've since found out that most eating disorders start out in people that have an anxiety disorder. In my case, I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder), which is considered an EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). For whatever reason, it's not nearly as recognized as Anorexia or Bulimia, even though it's more common. And it makes me wonder . . . with all the stigma our society carries about the obese, how many of us struggling with a significant amount of weight have an eating disorder we don't know about? How many of us needlessly blame ourselves for not feeling in control? How many of us could benefit from working with therapists that specialize in eating disorders? I do know that many of us know how to eat right, that the hard part is making ourselves follow through.

And at the other end of the spectrum, I wonder how many of us have dealt with having orthorexia? It's not officially recognized as an eating disorder, but it's basically an obsession with eating healthy. And of course there's nothing wrong with eating healthy, unless chasing after that ideal consumes your life in a negative way, as it had with me.

I'm currently working hard to find my happy medium, to avoid the two extremes of either being obsessed or not caring at all. To experience cravings and deal with them calmly. To make the healthier choices without making it a big deal. To not feel insanely jealous or judgmental when seeing someone enjoy a slice of cake or ice cream. To not build myself up and feel holier than thou over my "better" choices. To not feel like absolute scum for occasionally having a treat. I don't want to set myself up to crash and burn yet again. I'm hoping I have the tools this time around to get healthier in a healthy way, and I'm hoping that sharing my experiences may help someone else out there that's struggling.

[alaskanlaughter]

welcome back!! i remember you from when you were here before and wanted to welcome you back! I don't have alot of input or experience with those types of diagnoses....I know I struggle with compulsions around eating, obsessive thoughts over junk food, things like that, but I've never gone to a therapist for it

[emski87]

Thanks so much for your post Elladorine a lot of it rang true for me. I agree in the fact that generally I only see results when I get a bit obsessive as losing weight is hard work and it is all about the planning BUT I also am trying to be realistic and keep some perspective this time. As in if I fancy a bowl of cereal late at night then 300/400 calories in the long run is not going to make any difference. If its 3500 calories to a pound that is less than 1/7th of a pound so I am trying not to deny myself.

I too am very competitive and have to stop myself from preaching to others about healthy eating, reducing sugar etc which is ironic because behind closed doors I am far from a stable eater. I have been up and down these same 15 pounds a number of times and never really manage to keep it off and even though I don't have much to lose I get myself so stressed about it I end up back at square one.

I also go through phases with my binge eating, like when I am in the zone I can go months without doing it as I am completely focused but in a bad phase I can do it a few times a week. Not really able to offer much advice but just wanted to say I know exactly where you are coming from and I do believe the longer we suffer from these kind of things the more we understand ourselves and can hopefully start to manage it a bit better! Good luck!

p.s. have you read 'Brain over Binge' - would really recommend it to get some perspective on binge eating and how it actually works!

[Inkrid]

Binge Eating and Orthorexia isn't recognized because our society IS so hung up on weight, dieting, and looking "good"! If an overweight person (i.e. me LOL) goes all crazy with dieting and is fainting around, it's "OK" because I'm getting "healthy"! But if I were 120 lbs. again and were obsessed with dieting and fainting around I would be sent into a hospital because my friends/loved ones would be concerned!

The website Dances with Fat might be of interest to you. Reading it every day helped me feel some resemblance of sanity!

[Palestrina]

Hi Elladorine, I do agree that people could benefit a lot from seeing a therapist but I've also seen a lot of therapists who were not helpful to me. Finding the right person to help was key for me. I came across my nutritional therapist while I was exploring the option of intuitive eating and I'm so glad I've found her. Most therapists helped me find the root cause of my eating disorder in childhood, through traumatic events but the knowledge of this did nothing to help me overcome my ED. Furthermore, I learned that my frequent bouts of restrictive eating (dieting) were spurring on my ED and making it stronger and stronger. There is nothing that brings on a binge eating episode more reliably than restrictive eating/thinking.

My road to recovery is based in making peace with food, getting acclimated to hunger-directed eating, getting rid of the diet mentality, building up my self-love, and learning how to address my anxiety without eating episodes. It's a long process and in order to proceed I have to let go of weight loss as a goal. If it happens it's only a byproduct but I don't have any negative feelings about that. My problem is my eating disorder, dieting and weightloss have nothing to do with fixing that. Losing weight has been a byproduct of this healing.

[KateB]

I read you initial post three times...It was like you are my shadow or something!

I am currently on a plan that is working very well for me. But with that being said, I worry, A LOT, that once the weight is gone, I won't be able to maintain my loss. I have lost significant amounts of weight (I classify any loss above 50 pounds as significant) but as you stated the "switch will click off" and I end up in the "I don't care" mode. Which in fact I do care, it is just like I can't make myself do what I know is right.

I am hopeful though, partially because with this plan, there is no sugar or artifcial sweeteners or processed foods. I am not hungry between meals and I do not have cravings. Which I think is related to not having sugar. I really feel I am sugar junkie. Getting away from sugar was one of the best things I did for myself. I have read report on how sugar affects the brain in the same way as cocaine. I really do feel sugar is my drug of choice.

Constantly comparing yourself to others....OMG I am so guilty of this. I look around the room to find someone larger than I am. If I can find somebody (which there have been many times I couldn't) I felt like it was "OK" for me to be there. If there wasn't anybody as large or larger than meI felt like I didn't belong or that I was unwanted. Didn't matter where I was or who I was with (even family), that is how I felt.

BED....I don't think most in society see that as a real problem unless you are bulimic. If you are over weight and you binge I think it is looked as part of your lifestyle. If you binge and purge, then you are viewed as having a problem. I really think most in society really feel that binging is not a disorder, unless purging is goes along with it.

Inkrid and emski I am going to look into the book and website you recommended.

I have a friend who suffered from bulimia in highschool. She was at an inpatient treatment center. They addressed her purging, but not her binging. Within 3 years of her being released she has more than tripled her weight. When she talks to her doctor about it, she is basically told that as long as she doesn't revert to purging she is OK.