[Fatsoul]

Hey everyone, this is my first post. I feel like I really need support from people going though the same journey. Recently I finally lost the extra weight I had been carrying and went from 130lbs to 108lbs. I am very short so this is a much more appropriate weight for me. I stayed that way for about 5 months and was finally happy and healthy again. I am extremely fit. I was a personal trainer for 7 years before finishing school and changing career paths but I have always had a tumultuous relationship with food. Recently my entire department and I lost our jobs and I have been at home searching for a new job. These last couple of months I have returned to my old binging and purging ways and have managed to regain ten pounds I feel terrible and disgusting. I will have 5000 calorie binges and then get back on my diet for 4 or 5 days and do it again. Slowly this has caused half my hard work to be reversed. I'm also in a lot pain from forcing so much food in at once. I always swear it's the last time but in a few days I do it again and each time I do I feel more and more like a failure. I am puffy and exhausted and feel so defeated I really need some motivation to get back on the wagon and loose these ten pounds again. The constant ups and downs are taking both a physical and emotional toll on me. I really need some positivity and support because the self hate is at an all time high.

P.s. Sorry for any grammatical errors I wrote this on my phone while emotionally charged and it is way too long to re read for errors on this tiny screen.


fatsoul

[Streudel]

I've been on your same journey so this is all said with the voice of experience. I don't think the 10 lbs is what you should worry about. 10 extra pounds won't kill you. Bingeing and purging will.

Losing 10 lbs won't help you lose the self hate either. You do need support, and I'm happy to give it. But I think what you need more than some magic motivational mantra, or some Nike style just do it encouragement, or diet and exercise tips is this:

You need to hear that you are not terrible or disgusting or any of the names you call yourself. You are not a failure or a bad person. You are someone who is going through one of the scarier things that an adult can face, the loss of a job, and you are coping in the same way that a lot of your fellow humans would by eating for comfort. One of the other things that perfectly rational, good people do when faced with the loss of control and confidence and the fear that comes with the loss of a job is they grab control of what they can in their life. The fear and feelings of failure are channeled into controlling their body.

If there's somewhere you can reach out in RL, I hope you'll consider doing it. By all means keep posting here, but also consider seeing what your doctor can do to help.

Good luck.

[Fatsoul]

Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot

[MauiKai]

Are you starving yourself when you're "on your diet"? Because if you're suffering with too much deprivation and hunger, that is surely going to drive a binge.

[Fatsoul]

I never go below my bmr which is 1300 cals. Even post binges like last night which was a huge one where I consumed at least 5000 cals.... I don't go below because even though I'm not hungry at all today, I know if I starve I'll be miserable and drive another binge even sooner. However, now that you said that it made me think that maybe the quality of what I'm eating isn't providing my body with the nutrition it needs. I eat a lot of 'diet food' with addititives and little nutrition and that may be why I'm so lathargic when I'm not restricting like crazy? When I lost this weight I still had these products to keep me same but the majority of my food was whole foods. Do you think this could be the issue? Besides the emotional of course. I'm just so physically and mentally tired by this cycle..... I need it to stop

[Fatsoul]

Sane* not same oops

[Esofia]

Maybe try maintaining for a few weeks, get stable on that, address the eating disorder side of things, then try losing again? It won't really be a waste of time, believe me.

[MauiKai]

I never eat diet food. It's horribly processed and unnatural and I do think that your body could be driving binges based on the fact that it's getting nothing, really, nutritionally...

[Fatsoul]

I think you're both right. These foods may taste good but they're empty calories. Today had been day one of real food! It's very hard for me to give up control and not try to loose the weight but I will try. I think maintaining may be what I need to get myself healthy again because this cycle had taken a really hard physical toll on me. I'm extremely exhausted.

Also Streudel I wanted to tell you your words really touched me. Every word you used I have felt about myself. It's amazing how much impact being able to relate to somebody and feel normal has.

You guys are great

[Fatsoul]

Ps. I can't cut out all the diet foods because they keep me sane and help beat cravings but I can and I will reduce them significantly. Provide some nourishment for my body.

[Streudel]

I'm so glad I could help even a little. My heart breaks when I can hear my own internal dialogue through the words of another. We would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves.

The key for me has been to challenge that inner mean girl with the truth, which is that I am worthwhile and I have more value in the world than being pretty to look at, or having a prestigious job, or living in the right neighborhood. As human beings, we matter in that we bring love and joy to the people in our lives. When I let myself be motivated by care for my well being rather than punishing myself for perceived failings, I'm amazed at what I can accomplish.

I hope you keep posting here because I think you'll find the support here goes beyond how to diet tips. The folks here see that what you eat and how you exercise are all a part of a bigger picture. We share what's going on in our lives and how it's affecting our emotions, relationships, and lifestyles.

Welcome aboard.

[caokycuong]

You have some good days and you will have some bad days. That’s LIFE!

Last week, I weighed in and get the number of 66.4 kg. That’s good news. My weight is being decreased continuously day by day. That evening, I went out with my sweetheart and enjoyed some food. The food was so delicious and I ate a little bit more than usual. And Monday morning – the day after that day, I weighed in and got the number of 67.1 kg! I talked to myself that’s OK. I can get it back! But life is not simple like you think!

On the same day, I got the bad flu. When you are sick you will feel weak, very weak. And you will have the trend to eat more than usual. On Monday evening, I consumed food so much and really felt better.

On Tuesday, my number is 67.8 kg. What is going on? I could not believe! On Saturday, I even had the goal of 66.0 kg for next week. And on that day, it was 67.8 from 66.4. It reminded me of the terrible days before! Previously, I lost my weight from 75 to 68 then I got a flu like this time. And the result of that is I got the weight of 77 kg! Well, it’s the past! Not this time!

I’m back the good eating habit again. And as I still have the flu, I still feel tired at the end of the day. Instead of eating more food, I enjoy fresh fruits, drink more water and go to sleep early!

So, how about work outs? Actually, I can not practice with AIR CLIMBER when I am sick, especially a flu. Luckily, I can practice YOGA! A plus for YOGA. Thank Indian for that!

This moment when I write this post I still get the flu. However, my weight is decreased down to 66.3 kg. And the day I escape from the flu, I will tell you about my weight. I hope it will be a lovely number!

Keep calm, love your body and control your weight!

I hope you can take some advantages from this.

[MsBrightside]

I am on the same boat as you! You are not alone! I know how you feel after the binge, cause I am feeling that way. I just don't get why it still happens after I tell myself not to do it again and to remember this horrible feeling I hope you are doing better! We can get through this.