I've been struggling to lose weight since I had my son 9 years ago. I gained 150 lbs. during and after my pregnancy. My weight has been yo-yoing the whole time. I met my husband when my son was 3, and also when I was at my heaviest. My husband prefers big women. I have always known this about him.
Whenever I attempt to lose weight my husband is very against it. I've attempted to lose weight several times, each time I make progress, but I eventually fail miserably. It's very difficult to keep myself pumped and motivated without a support network. My husband is just so negative about me losing weight. He tries to sabotage my diets and make me feel guilty about losing weight. On various occasions, he has let me know that he has become less attracted to me. Usually when this happens I fall into a downward spiral of depression and I get so insecure I can hardly handle it. This is the point where everything I have worked so hard for completely goes to **** and I gain all the weight back and then some. I have told him that I want to be healthy and that I'm doing what I need to do for me to be happy, but he doesn't seem to really care. He is thin and very fit himself. I know in some cases that a spouse is against weight loss because you might become more attractive to other people, but I'm 100% sure that this is not the case here.
The last few months I've been doing really great at sticking to my diet and and fitness goals. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care if he finds me attractive or not. He's still trying to sabotage, but I haven't let it get to me. Unfortunately, my relationship is suffering and I'm starting to feel alone and depressed again. I never thought that weight loss would have such a negative effect on my personal life. I want to be with my husband, he's wonderful, except about this one thing. He's so supportive in every other aspect, so I don't know why he can't support me in this.
I am guilty at this from the other angle. I did not support my wife when she tried to adopt a healthier lifestyle and it backfired. Not only do I deeply regret that decision (having since adopted a healthier lifestyle myself) but we ultimately separated (not just because of this but because of many other issues too).
So this is a problem you need to deal with, especially if there are other pressures in your marriage. I would suggest talking to him about it and then marriage counseling if that does not work. Don't let this grow into something toxic.
If he is genuinely attracted to larger women---as seems to be the case----I can understand him being somewhat bothered by you losing weight----BUT, he should be more concerned about your health and happiness than his physical preferences. I would have a serious, sit-down, calm talk with him about it. If need be, I would see a doctor first, and get the doctor to back you up about losing weight for health reasons. Also, I agree with Ian about marriage counseling as an option. The point is that if he really loves you, he should want what will bring you the most health and happiness.
His behavior isn't unsupportive. It's antagonistic. People who love you support your goals. They don't actively work to sabotage you or make you feel guilty for pursuing what makes you happy.
My husband was very threatened by my weight loss. Ultimately, he was the weight I decided to drop, and I'm much healthier for adopting that weight loss plan.
I get what you're saying about him being wonderful in other ways. I'm sure he has a lot of great qualities. But can you live with it if this aspect doesn't change? Are you willing to stay fat to make him happy? If not, you two are going to need to have some really honest dialogue about what you want out of life.
First, congrats to you on your weight loss! That is awesome and demonstrates your tenacity, despite the lack of support and outright sabotage you're getting from your husband, who is supposed to be your number one support in life.
His displeasure at your weight loss is the equivalent of a husband who's unhappy about his wife's weight gain (if he's only attracted to thin women). It's cruel and unloving behavior and ultimately, the definition of conditional love....which to me, isn't true love at all.
I'd like to echo the sentiments of some of the other posts: if he loves you, he should want you to be healthy so that he can spend as much of the rest of your lives together as possible...and to improve the quality of your life, not just quantity.
I wonder what he would say to you demanding that he put on 100 pounds? What if you found that most attractive?
The only argument he has going for him is that this was no secret before you married, about him preferring large women. However, the fact remains that you have decided to get healthier and the bottom line is that he should be thrilled with a healthier, happier wife. Anything else is just plain selfish.
I would sit down with him and let him know that he either should support you and embrace your desire to become as healthy as he is so that you can live together for a long, long time or he should stay away. There's no grey area here...it's pretty simple (and heartbreaking). Sorry you're going through it and I hope you'll keep getting the support you need at least here at 3fatchicks.
Last edited by luckymommy; 03-16-2015 at 08:14 PM.
Do you mind telling me why you weren't supportive initially?
I didn't think she was that out of shape. I really was. And I thought it was all a waste of time. Time she would not spend with me and our kids. I was being selfish and narrow-minded.
My honest toe cents here is that it really shouldn't matter what he says or thinks about this. My philosophy is "my body my business" and I do not ever really talk to anyone about my weight loss or nutrition goals, not even my husband. I have my NT and find support on the forum so I don't really need his input to be honest.
In my experience whenever I sought support for weightloss from anyone it came with all kinda of unwarranted advice. I go on about my business and what goes into my mouth is not subject for discussion.
For example, if you say "I want to eat a salad because I want to lose weight" then your husband perceives it as a change that is being inflicted on him. But if you just eat your salad without philosophizing about it then it doesn't become a subject of discussion. And if he does comment on the salad anyway then he's the one coming across as possessive and controlling and you can just say "dude, I'm just eating a salad, what's your prob?"
Well, if his sexual wiring is such that he's only attracted to large women, he may not be able to do anything about that. This is the elephant that often goes unacknowledged. Some people have a variety of turn-ons, while others have a much more limited repertoire.
His fetish, if that's what it is, doesn't justify sabotaging his wife's efforts to get healthy, but the OP should be prepared to sacrifice some sexual sparks to her health goal. Just saying.
My husband is not supportive of my weightloss
