Chicks in Control Overeating? Binging? Share uplifting support and gain control!

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Old 12-24-2014, 08:50 AM   #1  
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Default compulsive overeating

Hello Forum, and Merry Christmas to you all!!!
Hope I am posting in the right place..
Here is my problem: I have a 16-year old daughter who has always been tiny and thin and never particularly hungry. In the last 8, 10 months she has started to eat a lot of food, but I believed it was reasonable as she is still growing (she menstruated at 15).
Story short, she is gaining weight. She gained about 13 pounds in less than 6 months. But this is not the real problem. The real problem is that I have recently found papers of chocolate bars, of snacks, of candies, all hidden between her books and under her bed.
I know this is not healthy, but if I try to speak to her she claims she shared the stuff with her friends, that she ate the chocolate bars a bit at a time, that a candy is not the end of the world. I don't know how to deal with this situation; I tried to suggest her to go and see a doctor (she had gone to a psychologist for a while, when her father and I split up) but she refuses this option.
Yet, I feel she is not happy. I don’t know what is going on, I know adolescence is difficult, but I wish I could help before she goes too far with her weight and that her weight becomes another problem to her. She seems to eat normally at meals but now I don't know what to think.
Any mother (or daughter!) who can give opinions? Am I worrying too much?
Thanks a lot to everybody

Last edited by Luna64; 12-24-2014 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 12-24-2014, 09:24 AM   #2  
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I don't think your worrying is unnecessary. I wasn't always this overweight. I was pretty normal and then in my teens I started binging. I would sneak and hide in my room and eat.. and eat and eat.
I wish someone would of helped me then.
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Old 12-24-2014, 10:11 AM   #3  
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yeah... point is... how? how could I help her?
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Old 12-24-2014, 10:29 AM   #4  
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Well you act like she has a choice in going to a psychologist.. She is 15 and you are the mother..
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Old 12-24-2014, 11:40 AM   #5  
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no, i don't think it is as simple as that.
she has never wanted to go to a psychologist, i insisted, she was terrified that some of her friends would find it out, she made up every excuse not to go and after a year or so she decided it was enough... and the doctor suggested me not to force.
anyway, this seems to be the beginning of an unhealty relationship with food, and i dont know how to face it. I cannot hide food, and if i did i suppose she would buy it herself.
I feel so worried and helpless.
has anybody lived a similar situation? any suggestion would be really appreciated
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Old 12-25-2014, 03:41 PM   #6  
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Your daughter sounds a lot like me as a teenager. I would hide soda and candy in my bedroom, mostly because my parents were SO STRICT about not letting me have any that I went overboard once I was a teenager and could get it for myself.

A big problem for me was that the "friends" I surrounded myself with were terrible influences (in many ways, but in particular with health/eating habits). It seems like you're supportive/willing to be involved in her life, so that at least is good.

I think that the psychologist is a great idea. Another good idea would be to try going on a health kick--together. Make it a bonding thing, find time to go to the gym together, whatever. This is something that my mom did for my younger sibs, but never for me, and they're very fit while I'm... hahaha.

Other than that... all you can try to do is impress on her that her eating may not be healthy, and that its A LOT harder to get healthy again once you've slipped than it is to be healthy from the start. In the long run, if she's anything like I was, she'll either listen or she wont. It's up to her, but at least you can encourage her to make the right choice.
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Old 12-27-2014, 08:21 AM   #7  
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You must be so worried about your daughter. I developed my secret binging when I was a teenager but I did a better job of hiding it I suppose, or perhaps my parents didn't let on that they knew about it. I remember how sneaky I was, eating dinner and then going through drive thrus, these were habits I brought into my 20s and 30s. When I did reach out for help I was 22 and my parents helped me find a psychologist. But that didn't help, she just wanted to give me medication for depression which didn't work for me and did absolutely nothing for my binging.

It's very difficult to ask for help with an eating disorder because in many ways it feels harmless, it's just food. Taking away food from someone feels horribly cruel. I commend you for wanting to help your daughter but you have to understand that THIS IS NOT ABOUT FOOD. She's using the binging to cope with whatever she is going through. Putting restrictions on food will only exacerbate the problem. This is not about going on a health kick, it's not about putting restrictions on food, it's not about dieting, it's not about surrounding her with only healthy food. That will drive her deeper into secrecy. I remember this well when my skinny mother talked to me about watching my weight - it made me want to eat more.

I don't know how you can go about doing this but your daughter needs to learn effective ways to cope with her frustrations. Teenagers are so immature, they have big world problems to deal with and their poor little brains aren't capable of processing these things, it's a terrible dilemma. But living by example goes a long way. If she can see you processing your emotions she is more likely to follow suit. A lot of ED happens because of some kind of trauma in a person's young life. It comes about as a loving gesture to ourselves, we are in essence trying to comfort ourselves, to take care of ourselves in the only way we know how. Eating disorders come on not because we're weak willed people, but because we are strong people who have not the tools to take care of our needs the way they need to be taken care of.
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Old 12-27-2014, 11:23 AM   #8  
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When I was about 15 years old, I started to gain weight and put on about 10 pounds in a year. I was always muscular and I remained so thanks to lots of sports. After the gain, I was still a healthy weight for my height. I believe I was 5'6" and 135-140 pounds. I know now that is my "happy range" for my body, and still is. But my mother went off the rails and started restricting my food and nagging me hard if I ate something like graham crackers. Result: start of my unhealthy relationship with food and secret eating.

As WBS says above, this isn't about food. It never was for me either; my struggle was for control of my life and my body pitted against my mother's co-dependency issues. Food was a tool, and secret eating a symptom.

Could you say something to your daughter like "I don't care what you eat. I want you to be happy and healthy, and that is all I care about. Please just enjoy whatever you eat, eat whatever you want, and eat it properly on a plate, at a table, etc. because you deserve better than eating alone in your room secretly".

Could you show her this post? This forum? So many of us "chicks" have been there, and some of us still are. She might find support and freedom in an anonymous online format, versus the perceived humiliation of seeing a therapist IRL.
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Old 12-31-2014, 09:43 PM   #9  
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I agree with JZJ and love her suggestion for what to say to your daughter. Any attempt at controlling your daughter's eating will almost certainly exacerbate the problem. Find a way to communicate to her that relaxing around food is the best way to prevent disordered eating behaviour. And yes, lead by example.

F.

p.s. My own daughter started her period at 13. Around that time I noticed that she started to eat more. At one family event she had five or six brownies in quick succession. I got worried and started nagging her, but soon realized I was making things worse and backed off. After she turned 15 or 16, she began eating somewhat less again. In retrospect, I figure her body was driving her to eat more when she was in the process of becoming a woman.

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Old 01-02-2015, 05:11 PM   #10  
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First of all let me thank you for your time and suggestions.
In the past months my daughter and I have spoken (or better, I tried to speak) about ED; I tried to make her understand her that she would be great in any size as she IS great, but that unhealthy eating habits may turn into health troubles... and she keeps on telling that there is no problem.
Like you said, it's not about food; I feel she is not happy, her mood changes every minute, but she does not want to share her discomfort with me.
But like you said, the more I show interest in the subject, the worse she may react.
Next week I will get in touch with her former psychologist and ask for advice. In the bottom of my heart, I keep hoping this might just be a phase in her life and that not necessarily it will turn into an ED, but I want to leave no stone unturned, just in case.

p.s. - I really appreciate your support, I feel less lonely in facing this situation.
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Old 01-03-2015, 10:28 PM   #11  
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Everything you have said about your daughter sounds like normal teenage behavior to me. The weight gain and candy is typical of a young girl going through puberty. At her age, she could grow a couple inches which would even it all out. Even the mood swings. Typical teen drama. The last person a teen wants to discuss her problems with is her mother. This does not mean you should not be concerned. Pay close attention to what's going on in her life without seeming to be invading her privacy. Kids today have to deal with a lot of peer pressure, bullying etc. Make light conversation...Try to get her to open up to you without seeming to be prying.

As far as her eating, don't make too big a deal about it, but make sure she is eating healthy meals. Keep healthy snacks on hand, and keep junk food out of the house. I'm thinking she will be fine.
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Old 01-06-2015, 12:43 PM   #12  
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thx to you all
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Old 01-06-2015, 01:55 PM   #13  
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I do think that it is a red flag. But overeating is not usally the problem just a way of coping.

What would you do if she was using drugs or drinking instead of candy bars? It seems like an extreme comparison, but with all of these, there is an underlying issue of anxiety, or feeling lonely or depressed or something else, but it is somekind of a pathway to addiction.

To give her the tools now to cope with her emotions would be an amazing gift for her future.
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Old 01-09-2015, 05:01 AM   #14  
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I used to over-eat to the point id have to make myself vomit because my stomach hurt so bad. I ended up going to counseling for multiple reasons...my over-eating is linked to a few of my mental illnesses. I find comfort in food not in people. So everytime something was wrong or I was bored id eat. I'm on a diet now but since I have kids and make them their own food its quite hard not to cave. Also, I know a family who has a bowl of candy in every room of their house....oddly enough because their kids are exposed to it, they don't want it. I'd get her involved in counseling whether she wanted to go or not. Everything is confidential. Her friends wont find out. Once she goes she'll feel better and understand she's safe.
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