My husband of 10 years recently told me that he believes we should be divorced. We've been together for almost half our lives. I'm beyond heart-broken and willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family together but he says it's too little too late. Any advice for a depressed and very lonely person? On the bright side I've lost a bit more weight, depression is good for something.
((((Hugs)))) I know how hard it is, having gone through one and am on the way to another, so to speak. It's heartbreaking, and there are so many questions, what should I have done differently, what did I do wrong, etc. You have to realize that both of you contributed both good and bad to the marriage, and that no one in particular is to blame that it's failing. It's up to both of you to try to fix it, and if he doesn't want to, then you can't force him. It's also especially hard to get an honest answer out of men, what exactly the problem is. Would he consent to counseling? That forces you to open up to each other and get to the root of the problem. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, just know that you are not alone!
Sherrie, Thank you very much for your response. It's nice to know I'm not alone (misery loves company).
I've suggested counsling to my husband... he says no way, he doesn't even want to fix things. He just wants out and wants me gone. We've been together since we were both 16... I can't imagine life without him (not to mention the thought of him with someone else!! EEK!!!!). I feel like such a failure and I'm beyond depressed at the idea of my children being a statistic...growing up in a broken home. Anyway, thanks again for your response.
Hi there, Please do not feel that you are alone, I was divorced at the age of 24yrs with one son, and fifteen years later I thought that I had found the "right" guy. he left, and two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter, I then became a single parent again! But, she is wonderful, my son is wonderful (now 17yrs.) and you will find that if you do have to go it alone... you will become a stronger person, and with time a happy, and contented person. I hope this helps just a little bit, good luck, you,ll be in my thoughts! Take care, love Peaches. x
Thank you peaches I know I'll get thru this in the long run, but for the time being I feel like dying. My husband and I had a big fight before he left last night.... in front of the kids. My daughter was sobbing and she kept telling me that "daddy still loves you and you still love daddy"... it's heart-breaking. He's threatening me with lawyers and I don't have any money to fight back. It's all such a mess.
Anyway, thank you for your words of encouragement.
Okay...take a deep breath and look for a divorce lawyer to protect your rights and your children's rights too. It sounds as though you are in your twenties so you have plenty of time to build yourself a new life. Realize that probably both you and your usband are equally to blame for the marriage failing and learn from your mistakes.
Don't bring your children into the divorce! For goodness sakes, don't fight in front of them. Tell them that mommy and daddy BOTH still love them and always will.
As for men in general, remember my hair stylist's motto:
Men are like buses. If you don't catch one, another will be along in a little while!
I turned 30 in January...I wish I were in my 20's though.
This was the first time the kids have ever really saw us argue like that...it was a mistake, one that we won't make again. I've told them over and over that it's between mommy and daddy and that we both still love them just as much as always. That's when my daughter says "you love daddy and daddy loves you too". It would be impossible to even try and explain the whole "daddy loves mommy but he isn't "in" love with her"... impossible to explain because *I* don't even understand it!
I've looked up several numbers (womens help centers and legal aid).. I'll be calling around today. As for the deep breath... that's all I've been doing. Breathe in breathe out....try to keep going!
Hello, I went through a terrible divorce and had two kids at the time. I would have done anything to get him back, now I look back and realize what a fool I made of myself. Do good things for yourself, kill him with kindness, be a good person and mother. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. In the long run, you can hold your head up for being a good person and having style. Take care of yourself first and you will have a good life and someday find a man who wants you for who you are. Living well is the best revenge.
PS-I remarried 3 years later, have a great husband and two other children, we have a great home and a great life. My X is living with his 15th girlfriend, just got another drunk driving ticket, has a crap job, etc. I am so glad to be rid of him. Life goes on and what comes around goes around. Best of luck to you...
Sweet Madness - I feel for you and what you are going through and when I am going through tough times I try and remember a few sayings:
And this too shall pass.
Better to come from a broken home than to live in one.
What comes around, goes around.
And for me what I think now is that I don't want anyone to be with me that doesn't want to. I know I am a good & decent person and if people don't want to be with me for whatever reason, then so be it. I will survive.
Thanks everyone... your words really do help. I know you're all right but my mind is a bit clouded right now. I wish I could move to the anger part of this situation but I seem to be stuck in the shock and denial phase (yes.. the phase at which I act like a total fool by begging pleading and hysterically crying). I just love him so much and I'm just not accepting any of this. We were each others "firsts" in every aspect.. I can't imagine being with someone else or worse yet... *him* being with another!!!! I've built my entire life ... my entire future, around him (the majority of my past consists of nothing but him also). This is just going to take a very long while!
Thanks again for your kind words.
As the years past by, you'll realize that a person should never build their life around another. I'm quite a bit older than you, so I understand though. You can't expect happiness in your life unless you're strong enough to stand alone - and like it.
For now, quit pleading and do your crying alone. Otherwise, you'll feel like a fool later in life. Keep your dignity and self respect. I believe that you're a lot stronger than you realize.
Hi me again...I thought of you all night. I remember so well what you are going through, I, too pleaded, cried, threatened, felt cheated, etc. I did make a fool of myself, now I wish I had handled it differently but at the time I would have done anything to keep my marriage and family together. No one could tell me anything I wanted to hear. Do you really want him back, do you want this way of life, will you ever trust him and feel secure? No one can hurt you unless you allow them to, don't let him do this to you and the children. Take the kids to a movie, the park, don't sit around and mope while he moves on. Make a good life for yourself and the children...let him see what he is giving up and make yourself proud. We are here for you, people divorce everyday and it is hard, but we are strong and can survive...
Thank you everyone... you don't understand how much your kind words are helping me. This is still extremely hard but knowing that even strangers are thinking of me and wishing me well, makes it all a bit better. The past two nights my husband has left and I shed no tears until he walked out the door. No begging and no pleading (only in my journals and in my mind). It's so hard not to break down! I'm still holding onto the hope that he'll come to his senses and decide he's still *in* love with me. Well.. I did pages him last night at midnight. I thought I heard something outside ( I know it was just the wind but I wanted to see what caller id came up when he called..heheh). I think he was kinda irritated but o-well.
I'll keep you all up-dated and I hope you don't mind listening to my boring and mostly pathetic whining and venting.
On the bright side.. another pound gone! (only 80 more to go)
I don't mean for any of this to sound cruel, because by no means to I mean for it to come across that way. This are just my thoughts on the situation.
Since you and your hubby have been together almost half of your lives, you have both missed out on your youth, in a manner of speaking. Your prime years of going out and living it up in your late teens and 20's, are gone, and you have only been with each other, only known each other. I think it's possible (since you haven't ever said why he said it's over, I'm guessing here) that he is getting to the age where he realizes that he missed all of that, all of the partying and all of the dating and other stuff. He might be at a point in his life where he has looked back and realized he hasn't really experienced life and might not be where he wants to be at this point in his life. For that, he will blame you, even though there really is no reason to blame anyone.
I know how hard this is for you, I really do. And you are doing great considering what you are having to deal with. Stay strong, and know that we are here, and we are praying for you.
Please, please keep your wits about you during this time. I know it is hard, but you need to keep your eyes open for signs of abuse. Some men, and I'm not saying your husband would definately do this, but sometimes, you never know. Some men, when going through something like this, lash out phyically and verbally toward the wife and sometimes the kids. Please, promise me that if he even thinks of raising a hand to you or the kids or starts verbally and emotionally abusing any of you that you will take your kids and leave as fast as you can. The last thing you want is to have that happen.
And no matter what he says, don't you dare ever think that you deserve to be treated any way but with respect and love. If he starts putting you down, tell him to f&*k off and take the kids, and go somewhere. To a friends house, or to a memeber of YOUR family's house, anywhere where you have support. I wouldn't even begin to talk to any of his family at this point. No matter what type of relationship you have with them, he is their blood, and they are most likely going to side with him. For that matter he's probably already told him some distorted, twisted version of his side of the story. He actually has probably be telling them stuff for a while now, you just happen to be the last one to know about it.
Stay strong. If you need to talk to someone you can message me on MSN messenger or email me anytime! My Msn messenger nickname is FemmeRaven and my email address is [email protected]
We do care about you, so very much, and we are here for you, to cry to, to vent to, to laugh with, or anything else that you need to do. Just remember that.
Wow, FR you just blew my thoughts of posting out of the water.
Sweet Madness - I keep looking at your signature line - dreams beget reality. Never will you probably need dreams more than you need them now. I am the evil ex-wife... I'm the one who left him. I was on the other end of the begging and pleading. Trust me, it won't help. Oddly enough, the only thing that will help is to do what you have started to do. Be strong. Be powerful, be impervious. Accept the cards you've been dealt, and play that hand for all it's worth. Down the road, you might be amazed.
If you're like me, what really breaks your heart is going to be the kids. But speaking from experience, and ESPECIALLY since this is his idea, you make sure that you get the full child support allowed by law, and hold him to it every freaking month. Perhaps in some years, you two will be able to be friends - I hope so for the kids. But for now you must remain civil, composed, and collected. As Tippy said, you are far stronger than you think you are.
divorce ......
I know I'll get thru this in the long run, but for the time being I feel like dying. My husband and I had a big fight before he left last night.... in front of the kids. My daughter was sobbing and she kept telling me that "daddy still loves you and you still love daddy"... it's heart-breaking. He's threatening me with lawyers and I don't have any money to fight back. It's all such a mess.
me again...I thought of you all night. I remember so well what you are going through, I, too pleaded, cried, threatened, felt cheated, etc. I did make a fool of myself, now I wish I had handled it differently but at the time I would have done anything to keep my marriage and family together. No one could tell me anything I wanted to hear. Do you really want him back, do you want this way of life, will you ever trust him and feel secure? No one can hurt you unless you allow them to, don't let him do this to you and the children. Take the kids to a movie, the park, don't sit around and mope while he moves on. Make a good life for yourself and the children...let him see what he is giving up and make yourself proud. We are here for you, people divorce everyday and it is hard, but we are strong and can survive...
Thank you!!!
