I'm 29 years old and never been on a date, and as far as I know, no man has ever been interested in being in a relationship with me.
After years of denial and depression, I've taken off 96.5 pounds since mid-August 2013.
I really want to be in a relationship. Last week I went out with a friend that I've known about a year. The consensus was that he liked me---nobody has ever liked me before, so this was exciting.
I thought the date went well, but a few days later, I'm not hearing from him.
This is really triggering, as rejection always got me eating in the past. I want to binge so bad right now.
Even at almost 100 pounds lighter, I can't seem to be relationship material. I don't want to give up- but this hurts so bad.
Please, I'd love some words of support and wisdom.
07-16-2014, 12:04 PM
Awww...Spectral14, don't give up. You've got to learn to play the game. I know it's silly and childish to have to play the game, but it's just part of reality. If you haven't heard from him in a week, then, you should probably figure it's time to move on. And just because a man shows interest, doesn't mean that he is the right one for you. Don't make the mistakes that so many have made by "settling" for the first guy that comes along. It's much easier to say "no thanks" to a 4th or 5th date that it is to say "get out of my life" after you're married and have joint responsibilities. Hang in there. Mr. Right will come along.
07-16-2014, 12:25 PM
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful weight loss! You should really be proud of yourself!
So, I would say that it's very important that you believe you're worthy of love. Speaking as someone who has struggled with self-esteem issues her whole life and had to walk a very, very rough path to self-acceptance. Try to hold your head up and think, "I am worth it. He has to EARN my love!" Don't short change yourself! You DO deserve it! This is definitely a baby-steps process.
And I, personally, would never spend a second of my time with a "game player". When I had my first date with my now-husband, he contacted me the next day to tell me that he had a nice time. That was my expectation. If he had waited a week, forget it! I knew I deserved a genuine person who'd put their feelings out there and risk the rejection. I refused to settle. It's tough to believe in yourself like this, I really, truly know. Believe in yourself, be proud of your accomplishments, and the right man who will love and respect you will come along! Just my .02.
07-16-2014, 12:30 PM
Frances has given you good advice.
You have to love yourself before someone else will.
You want them to love the inner beauty.
Congrats on the weight loss and love will find you when you don't expect it and when you are not looking for it.
Please, please, please DON'T SETTLE!
You deserve the best. We all do.
07-16-2014, 12:35 PM
First, wow, amazing job on your weight loss! But it sounds like now that you've made physical changes, it is time to focus on the mental battle that comes with weight loss.
Frances put it so well and I agree completely. Don't let yourself get caught up in all the things that could have led to him not contacting you. I know it's near impossible not to wonder, but the best thing for you to do would be to put it behind you, keep your chin up, and move forward. You're worth it.
07-16-2014, 02:22 PM
When my ex-husband left me three years ago, I was fat (still am), in my late 30s, and a mother of five children. Not exactly the picture of what a man would want. I got married in May to a really good man who loves me.
3FC helped me a lot. There are threads on here about fat people and love. Granted, being fat presents a challenge, but it is not a barrier to finding a good relationship. And guess what? You're not fat now! You're also young and intelligent and have a host of other good traits.
I have two pieces of advice.
1 - Learn to play the game. I don't mean the gamesmanship they teach on those men's sites. But learn a little about psychology in general, and male psychology in particular. I am going to try to find a previous thread I read a long time ago that gave me some help in this area. Another source I used was the advice men give to each other on how to get the girl of their dreams. Men don't always want the hottest chick in the room. In my experience, the good men never want the hottest chick in the room simply because she's hot. (They may want her because she's fun and intelligent and attractive - an adjective that is not the same as "hot.") They want women who show some interest (men don't tend to approach women who have not signaled interest first), but don't "need" them. It also makes all the difference if you think you're desirable to men, and expect them to want you. That's really hard for fat girls, like me and like you still are, to some degree, in your head. But game-changing in this area.
2 - Embrace rejection, just like failure. Guess what? You've never dated. You're not supposed to be good at it yet. The friend who didn't call you back? He may have gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend. He may be super into you, but got vibes from you (which may have been nerves on your part) that made him feel like you didn't want him. His grandmother may have passed away or his cell phone may have died. And maybe he just didn't want to pursue a relationship with you. But guess what else? It's a first date. And your first date ever. No one's first date goes well. Think of these first dates as practice. I had been married for almost 20 years, with a career that depends on my ability to communicate well, and my first date post-divorce was AWFUL. I was shockingly awkward, and the guy that I had really liked blew me off completely after that. I still cringe a little recalling it. And that's when I decided that my next few first dates would be just practice. And I ended up marrying the fourth guy that I dated after that, and I started dating him two months after that storied horrible first date.
Congratulations on taking off the weight! That's so impressive! Now - you just need to tackle this dating thing like a project, not as a way of evaluating your self-worth. Good luck!
Couldn't find the thread I wanted, but I really enjoyed reading this one. Look for Kaplod's post on the first page especially.
07-16-2014, 02:45 PM
Hey girly I'd like to join your lonely hearts club, in fact probably most women these days are some form of single (single, divorced, dead-end relationship, whatever). While it's easy to get discouraged, try not to, because you're you. You've done an amazing thing that I hope to accomplish, you've lost nearly 100 lbs!! That shows you're not as weak as you think you are, silence that insecure girl inside and point out what your achievements are.
I recently made a post on Facebook that my mom liked so much she asked me to send to her, I'm going to share it here as I also deal w/self-doubt a lot -
"Lately my biggest critic has lived in my head. Luckily I have an eviction notice w/ his name on it issued by the the department of success!"
What's more, as someone who has been rejected for being heavy, it isn't easy on this side of the tracks. Hypothetically you and this guy aren't meant to be (fine, there are billions of people in the world!) reverting back to old habits isn't going to make him or most other men want you more. One of the reasons I want to lose weight (though no longer my MAIN reason) is that I realize we live in a superficial & sizeist world that excludes me from the dating pool in most cases due to my massive size. Forget that I'm nice, smart, fun to be around & great to talk to, I am fat.
Stay strong, you've worked too hard & accomplished too much to throw it away. Food is to keep you alive, not to take the place of living, remember that! *lots of hugs*
A big hug to you, Spectral! That's lousy. I hate the game. I hate hate hate it and have to trick myself into handling it. Good luck! Dating is often lousy until the right person makes it worth it.
07-16-2014, 06:39 PM
I honestly don't play the game, and haven't had problems.
If I want to talk to someone, I will call. (I won't call 30x, as I realize that's annoying), but I won't wait the standard 3 days either.
If I want to see someone, I will ask them out.
I don't play hard to get, I just act like myself.
I'm open, I ask questions, and I let the other person know how I feel.
This worked better for me than reading cosmo's and "playing the game."
I figured if a guy doesn't like the fact that I am a genuinely open person, then we probably won't hit it off. (I'm not like blunt about things, but I like to compliment people when I think they deserve it, and I'm willing to say I don't like something when I don't like it).
Honestly, it takes practice. A lot of practice. You will be rejected a lot, you will also do the rejecting a lot. That's just sort of how it works. Sometimes it's a religion thing, sometimes it's a lack of a common interest, sometimes it's a political thing, sometimes it's a lack of physical attraction. Once you start rejecting people as well, you'll come to realize, most the time it's not about their looks, it's mainly just that you don't "click" in that way. That's ok. Even the "perfect" people, aren't attractive to some people. It's like picking our favorite food, sure America Loves burgers, but a lot of people can't stand them.
Seriously, be yourself it a big part of it. If you try to turn into a clone of some magazine "perfect girl" you may or may not attract men, but I imagine it would be hard to want one to stick around if you claim you love sports, and now that's all he wants to do, and he thinks your into it, when really... *snore.* Just be open about your likes and dislikes, don't be scared to make a move. Try to read their body language. This takes practice.
Have you tried online dating? Or Meetup.com for singles?
07-17-2014, 10:26 AM
Let me clarify - my definition of "playing the game" is different than Kurisitaru's. My approach is very similar to hers, actually. I asked men out all the time. In fact, I preferred it, because it meant that I was selecting someone that I thought I would want to be with. I also asked men out for a second date if I wanted to pursue the relationship. And I don't play hard-to-get at all (clearly). I just meant that you have to understand things like how to flirt, at least a little bit, because that's how men will know that you're interested in having a relationship with them.
To the OP - I really suggest you take the time to read some of the threads that I've linked to. It will help you dispel the notion in your head that's perpetuated by every rom com you will ever see that men scan the room for pretty women, and then ask them out. From my understanding, men tend to ask out women when they think they've got a shot with those women, and women only tend to signal that the man has a shot with them when the women realize that the men want a shot with them. If that makes any sense.
And I will reiterate what's been said before. Think of your first dates as practice. It takes the pressure off you and the date, and maybe you can have some fun as you try to figure out what you want in a man, and how to showcase your best features so men realize how great you are.
07-17-2014, 10:51 AM
We all get rejected, all of us -- fat, thin, funny, serious, tall, short -- doesn't matter. No matter who you are, somebody somewhere does NOT want to date you. So you are in good company -- you're human. :) It isn't a reflection on YOU, trust me.
I have too many rejection stories to tell here, but I once was formally rejected in writing only 20 minutes after a first date ended -- apparently he just couldn't WAIT to tell me that I was not for him. He sent an email immediately after the date. I hadn't even taken off my makeup yet. And I'd thought we'd had a great time, too, so I was a little hurt. But what can you do but take a look at another fish. :)
Dating is hard for almost ALL of us. And if you haven't had alot of practice, it is especially tough and nerve-wracking. Hang in there, keep an open heart and an optimistic attitude, you'll find the right guy in time!
07-17-2014, 04:16 PM
Congratulations on your weight loss :carrot:
Frances gave good advice.
Forget about him and move on. He's just not for you. Don't take it personal because it's not.
Friendship is I believe the best foundation for a lifetime of happiness.
But don't forget that sexual attraction is important and has chemical basis. Unromantic - but true.
All friends can't be lovers. Attraction is either there or it's not.
What's more there's no shortage of men (or women).
If we're talking men - one thing I've learned is this:
They need you more than you need them. :cool:
Don't ever forget it.
You have the upper hand and most of the power when it comes to a romantic relationship.
When a man is interested in a woman he'll do just about anything to get her attention and please her. It's a fact of life.
But take care.
Most "normal" men will shy away from women who seem to be needy or on the prowl for a man. Be more like a cat - and less like a dog when it comes to love. ;)
Cultivate yourself, be happy and Mr. Right will show up when you least expect it.
The Universe has a plan for you - honest :hug:
Decent men can be found almost everywhere.
But gun shows, political or civic organizations, auctions, environmental groups and SCA or Civil or Revolutionary War re-enactments groups are all simply polluted with men looking for a partner.
07-18-2014, 03:53 PM
First of all, congratulations on your weight loss! You have every reason to be proud of yourself and to feel worthy of having lots of other great things in your life. Not because you are thinner now but because you know what you can do when you set your mind to it and love yourself enough to work towards what makes you happy!
As for your date, I wouldn't over think it too much. There are any number of reasons he may not have called afterwards and it is quite possible that they have nothing to do with you. You say that you really want to be in a relationship. Maybe that isn't what he's looking for. He could like you very much but, if he picked up on your eagerness to commit (not necessarily to him, but to a relationship in general), then he may just realize that the two of you aren't on the same romantic trajectory right now. That doesn't mean YOU aren't relationship material it means that HE isn't.
You also mentioned that you've known him for about a year. Maybe he enjoys your company and you have similar interests, etc. and that is what prompted him to ask you out to begin with but then, on the date, he just didn't feel that "romantic spark". Try not to take that personally as it is just how dating goes sometimes. We find someone we are drawn to and go out to see what happens - sometimes it clicks for both parties, sometimes one but not the other, sometimes for neither. It isn't necessarily a rejection of you as a person, and he probably still likes you as much as he did before - just not romantically.
Lastly, you don't have to be overly forward but, in this day and age, it is perfectly acceptable for you to take the reigns and call him to let him know that that you had a good time. It will serve as a sign that you are interested in a second date. You could even invite him for something casual like coffee or lunch. If he declines it isn't necessarily personal, just refocus your attention to your own hobbies and keep your heart open for the next guy. It is always nice to feel desired but, remember, you don't have to wait for someone to choose you. If you meet someone you are interested in don't be afraid to make an effort to get to know them better. Even if it doesn't end in romance you may find yourself with a great new friend that could be the one who ends up introducing you to Mr. Right!!
08-02-2014, 05:41 AM
If you are not happy in youself you will struggle to find someone.
Do what makes you happy, get a make over buy new clothes etc. but do it for you not for the hope it might attract someone.
When you radiate happiness and confidence guys will flock to you.
08-04-2014, 10:28 AM
Thanks to all who wrote back.
I took a formal rejection after a month. Stings.