Ok, so this post is not related to weight (unless this could be the reason someone doesn't wanna hang out with you?) but its weighing heavy on me and I wanted some opinions.
I live in a neighborhood where we recently have had an explosion of new neighbors moving in. I went out of my way to make them all feel welcome and was the first to make contact with them. I even introduced them all to each other.
At first everything was going well, we all used to hang out together, get invited to each others events and so on.
But more and more, it seems like all the neighbors started forming clicks with one another and somehow now they are all "friends" while I have been left out. They are constantly hanging out together and doing stuff and I'm never part of their group anymore. They are always polite and nice whenever I talk to them and I still go out of my way to be nice (since I live with these people practically). They are all having a blast, while I feel like an outcast and because they are neighbors its in my face ALL THE TIME.
I am not moving - this getting out of the situation that way is not an option. I have even tried talking to one of them to see if anything is "the matter" but everything was blown off like everything is ok. Its not.
I don't know why it is - I've been nothing but super nice to everyone. But it just looks like they've all become great friends while I don't seem to belong in "their" group. Anyone new who comes to the neighborhood now, obviously wants to hang with them (since they are the bigger crowd)
I don't know how to ignore this, I don't know how to fix this. I keep trying to be nice and friendly, invite them over and so on because not being that way will only further enhance my "outcast" status. I had no idea how hard this is to live with. Unlike other groups of friends whom you can just ignore and move on if all else fails, this is constantly on YOUR street. One woman in particular (who was one of the first I tried to befriend) is always SO EAGER to hang out with the others and would not miss a thing with them, but anything to do with me, she is suddenly "soooo busy". She couldn't even come over to see my baby (I recently had a baby) even though she lives right next to me!!
This all really hurts and I have no idea how to resolve the situation.
I have wondered forever WHY - whether they are just more like-minded while I am not quite "like" them. Could it be because they don't wanna hang out with someone who had a baby? Could it be ANYTHING... but at this point, it doesn't even matter why anymore. Its not going away - even if I learn why it wouldnt matter- they are all friends and happy and I'm just the acquaintance on the side. They are not suffering any from it. The question becomes how do I deal with it? What would you do?
07-05-2014, 11:36 AM
I wouldn't take it to heart. Sounds like a bunch a superficial a**holes moved to your neighborhood. Like attracts like :cool:
If it were me I'd ignore them and find other, and more suitable social connections with people I had more in common with.
There are lots of opportunities :) and plenty of wonderful people in the world.
I'd explore civic organizations, political groups, quilting groups, dance classes, garden clubs, food kitchens, knitting groups, charitable volunteer organizations, church activities; there are local meet -up groups for just about anything - lots & lots of things to do -
Plenty of beautiful people just waiting for someone like you to come into their life. :hug:
Leave 'em in the dust and move on. Good luck :)
07-05-2014, 12:59 PM
I've never fit in anywhere for any extended period of time. I could count on one hand the number of neighbors I know and I've lived in the same small town for 18 years. I hang out with none of them. Unlike you, though, I made no attempt to reach out to them.
I've come to the conclusion that either there is something inherently off-putting about my personality or I'm just not like the people I'm surrounded with.
It's probably a little of both. In the case of the former, people aren't likely to tell me why I put them off, so I can only work on the aspects of myself I find need improvement. With the latter, I can either try to be something I'm not, or I can enjoy like-minded people when I run into them.
In my experience, it's still going to hurt sometimes. I definitely have moments when I wish I could be a social butterfly and not an anti-social caterpillar. But life is short and I choose not to spend an inordinate amout of time thinking about something that I have a limited capacity to change.
I agree with susiemartin: if this concerns you, go where your kind of person is likely to be found. Just don't discount yourself just because you're not in the company of folks who know how awesome you are.
07-05-2014, 04:44 PM
Not much advice to offer, but I guess focus on the people that ARE your friends. Not everyone has neighbourhood friends and thats okay. I get that having bffs in your backyard is convenient but not always realistic. And yes it will hurt sometimes but focus on the people that DO value you and give you their time. It is hard though, I will admit. I too wish everyone liked me but, that's not realistic. And no matter how much you focus on that there are moments when rejection of your friendship hurts. But for the most part investing in the people who invest in you helps you have happier life. :)
07-05-2014, 07:04 PM
you all have said great things. :hug: and thank you for that.
in my old neighborhood, I didn't know my neighbors. It was isolating but it didn't hurt terribly either, cause not like I'd put myself out there trying to make friends.
In this neighborhood, I tried to change and be more outgoing - which is hard but I really tried to get to know my neighbors and so it hurts doubly that it backfired like this. And its ironic that I had a big neighborhood event where I introduced them all and now they have become such great friends they have no need for me anymore. If I didn't have to see out of my window every day how they are running over to each others houses and hanging out, or crying out "bye" late at night after they've gotten together for a party and walking home all drunk and happy, life would be easier. Oh and throw in facebook, where I see pics of them posting about how awesome their "neighbors" are with pics of them hanging out.
You put yourself out there and are super nice and this is the result? When I asked one of the neighbors whether anything's the matter when she did not invite me to an event she blew it off as me having had a baby so she knew I'd be busy etc. Um, you could have invited me anyway and let me make that decision. It wasn't even that I wanted to go to the "event" per se - its just the being left out part that hurts.
I hope there is a way out of this where I enjoy my neighborhood and that God opens the window somewhere. There's all these women my age give or take and you'd think we'd be friends but looks like they much prefer each other over being friends with me. I think it really especially hurt that I was home on maternity leave for months and NONE of them ever even stopped by to say hi and see the baby (some are stay home moms) but they all made time to see each other.
There is no question that this is rude and hurtful. But its hard to stand up against a "majority". NOt like I can "break off ties with them" and they will even know any different. I just have to live with a constant reminder of neighborhood friendships gone wrong.
07-05-2014, 07:57 PM
OMG!! This was ME about twenty years ago. Oh, how I feel for you!
Looking back, I think I tried too hard. I was the one who had moved UP to a very expensive development, and I was thrilled. I am still not sure what I said or did, but I was definitely the odd-man-out. I was heart-broken, but did not ask anyone what the problem was, and I smiled and waved when I saw a neighbor.
Many of those couples divorced, and I later heard they were into wife-swapping, etc. and did not think my nerd husband and my fat self belonged.
I wish I had back the hours (minutes?) that I spent worried about these strangers who meant nothing to me - - they just happened to be able to afford the same type new home in a deluxe development that I could.
Ignore them! Fine a new-mothers group, a YMCA, whatever, OUTSIDE your neighborhood.
After five years we moved
07-05-2014, 10:24 PM
I agree with what others have said, find friends elsewhere. I've heard from others that sharing Facebook pages with neighbors can lead to problems (just like social media in general can lead to problems). Suggest you quit viewing your neighbors Facebook pages. Doing so will only serve to irritate you and it makes no sense. Remove it from your life and move on.
I can only speak from the California prospective, but I'd say it would be rare here in California for a street or neighborhood area to have a close interactive group. If the neighbors respect my property and piece of mind, I'm happy.
Unfortunately, I have to do battle for that. Several of my neighbor's are selfish and lack respect for others: Loud music (outdoor speakers, amps, bands, etc.), selfishly grab parking and leave empty spots in front of their home, use your driveway without your permission when you aren't home. entertain regularly out of their garage, one damaged my car while it was parked on my own property (won't take any responsibility), illegal fireworks, dump chemicals and trash in the street, etc. I could go on with a lot more issues, but I won't.
My point in bringing up my neighbors is to point out that many people have issues with their neighbors in some form.
I learned about cliques during my school days (I was never part of one). Some people carry on with that mentality when the become adults. If the members of the neighborhood group can't act independently, then I'd steer clear. A healthy situation would be one where people can interact independently without the entire group and respect each other. That should mean that some neighbors have a one on one relationship with certain neighbors, a gathering with a small group on some occasion and a gathering with the entire group on other occasions. The herd shouldn't have to do everything together.
If you are viewing neighbors coming home drunk from other neighbor's homes, I'm thinking that you are better off without those interactions. You never know, maybe their bond is that they are substance abusers and you are lucky to be outside of the group.
These days, I'd be satisfied with neighbors who obey the law and respect my property and mind their own business. I've become a believer that good fences make better neighbors and that a good camera system around your home is a good idea.
It can be liberating to get cured from "the disease to please and be liked". We will all have people who won't like us. For the sake of our own sanity, we have to just accept it. You never know, others might steer clear because they are not religious and you are, or you are conservative and they are liberals who hate conservatives with a passion. Walk away and build a happy life without them and have parties, gatherings and fun with people you meet elsewhere who appreciate and respect you.
07-06-2014, 03:39 PM
I don't know if this helps but I've heard a saying that it is best to be friendly with neighbors but not friends with neighbors.
The only time I remember having a real group of friends in the neighborhood was when I was a kid in elementary school! Most of the homes in town were built at the same time and priced for young families. All of us went to the same school, saw each other at girl scouts or whatever.
Of course, I was too young to realize that my bff's dad was constantly trying to pick up on our teacher (yes, he was still married to the mom). I found out years later. Two of the moms in the neighborhood wouldn't let kids of another religion in the house (happened to be my religion!). One of the families had the cops over one or twice a month to stop fights. If I were an adult then, I would have hated it.
Please don't obsess on your neighbors. It will only make you unhappy. You don't need THEM in your life. Make a choice to find social connections that you really want. You don't have to settle for just who is down the block, right?
07-07-2014, 03:27 PM
It sounds like you have a much larger neighborhood than I do that is set up in a way that promotes 'neighborly socializing'. You sound like a very friendly and kind person and that you took a big risk in actively putting yourself out there to make connections and I'm truly sorry that this has led to feeling left out and uncomfortable in your living situation. I didn't get the impression that this was easy for you and it sound like it's really taken an emotional hit and probably a hit to your self esteem too. Don't let it. Try as hard as you can not to let it bother or hurt you. Continue to go on being friendly and a positive presence in the neighborhood but as much as you can help it don't carry that emotional weight around. I agree with everyone else - find a different social outlet - a mommies group, a club etc (try meetup.com if you haven't already - that's where I found a successful knitting group - all kinds of people from all stages in life but that I have a common ground and shared interest with). You can't force relationships - and really....as much as it might hurt to feel left out of neighborhood party invites.... do you really want to hang out with these people anyway cause they sound kind of icky. As much as I DON'T want to hang out with my neighbors and we aren't social like this I'd never be rude to them and these folks sound kind of rude especially where you have asked if there was a problem.
Even though you may be in the same age bracket with these people you are at different life stages - you said you just had a baby (congrads!)... do any of these people have children or are there no other kids? If there are no other kids around this may be part of it - and trust me I am not trying to be mean - just speaking from the perspective of someone who does not have or plan on having children. If they are just hanging out getting hammered at house parties and stumbling home drunk every night and there are no other children then that could be why they don't invite you - and as a person with no children I would recommend not taking that too personally - it's a strange life gap that happens between kids and no kids and it's hard on both sides. I have a fairly large social circle and at 33 I entered this year with 26 pregnant friends. I cannot possibly go visit them all, or go to all those showers, or visit all the newborns (scheduling and budget nightmare!) and when I'm having people over I am generally not inviting my friends with kids because as a person with no kids who has made the very personal decision with my partner that we do not want kids a) it's extremely overwhelming b) I do not have a child safe home/yard, I do not have child safe pets and I do not live on a child safe street and my other friends attending are generally not child appropriate c) I get constant pressure from them about why I am not having/do not want children d) the newest is I regularly get called a DINK by my parent friends (double income no kids) and it's super irritating. It doesn't mean I don't visit with them when I can or love them any less but we are simply at different life stages where they are raising children and my boyfriend and I are thinking now that we own a house together maybe in a few years we should go to the courthouse and get married and in the meantime we'll get a chicken. That's all. It's hard.
Where I live in all honesty i don't even know my neighbors names - and I am ok with that. They are friendly enough, they have 'outside' people over all the time but thankfully they are respectful and not loud and it's never a problem. We wave, say hello in passing and are friendly in the 'do you have a cup of sugar' kind of way and in a way keep an eye on each others houses but that's kind of where it ends and I am thankful for it. I come from an extremely social professional lifestyle so honestly when I get home socializing with the neighbors or having neighbors in my business 24-7 is the last thing I want to deal with. I don't ever want to be facebook friends with them, I don't want to go to their houses, invite people to mine from within the neighborhood. It may sound harsh but from where I sit I can't say I'd want to be BFF's with my neighbors and have them all in my business all the time. (and to Munchy's statement about fences - we are putting up fences and have camera's everywhere - we like our neighbors in general so this isn't a 'we don't like you' fence - but more we really just appreciate our privacy)
I've got a similar example with my commuter train - I have 'train friends' that I wait with on the platform. We are friendly, know each other's names, chat in the morning while we wait but the second we board I say goodbye for the day and take a seat by myself....why....well I know once I commit to that first joint ride with my platform friends it opens the door for us to sit together always and I just don't want to commit 2 hours a day sharing a seat and conversation with them. It doesn't mean I don't like them - it just means that I like my personal space.
With all of that and my personal examples I'd say try not to take it too personally because a lot of the time it is just really that others aren't necessarily looking for this close of a relationship in their living community. And if they are and they are being drawn to regular social situations with the other neighbors it may just be that they have more of a common attraction with each other which isn't your fault. And if they are being cliquey and are heinous people that are just cruel and talk about people and get drunk all the time then they aren't worth your time or energy anyway.
Stay strong and good luck!
07-20-2014, 03:26 PM
Aw :hug: FacingFacts
Things are never as easy as they were when we were all thrown together on the same playground--it was easier then to find a playmate.
As adults, social interactions are more like sales jobs. You have to knock on ten doors before one is opened. It's not easy! I think your problem lies not in the fact that a door did not stay open, rather, you have stopped knocking.
Proximity and age should not guide our selection of friends. Put your little cutie-pie in a stroller and walk farther to find those neighbors who will enjoy and need your company. They're out there. Stop and talk to the older lady who is weeding her yard. Introduce yourself to the fellow working on his car and ask for a recommendation for a good garage (even if you don't need one). Strangers were so much more open and friendly with me when I had little ones. Capitalize on that.
Advice? Stop asking them for explanations. (sounds desperate) Continue to be polite, smile, and radiate joy, success and happiness. You don't need them anyway. (Didn't I hear they were swingers??) and come chat with us!
07-20-2014, 04:22 PM
I am not friends with my neighbors. I leave the house at 7AM and don't return until 7 or 8 pm most days, and have errands etc to run on weekends. I speak to a few once in a while, but there don't appear to be social circles in my neighborhood. The only reason I have to go down to the street is to roll out the trash cart and spray or pull weeds. I think that is the case with most of my neighbors. Most everyone parks in the driveway or garage and not on the street.
I know I am not looking for a neighbor to be showing up at my door in the little time I have to relax. Are you sure everyone is really socializing that much. Don't they work?
07-20-2014, 04:51 PM
FacingFacts...... The fact is that the word is full of jerks who are not worth your time. If I were you I would smile and wave when you see the neighbors and ant like your life couldn't be better! Ignore them otherwise and get online and look for sites or groups that have similar interests to yours for all the jerks in the world there are people who once you have met, you KNOW they are your people. I'm sorry but you may have to look a little further. I am with you and hope you find your people.:hug:
07-24-2014, 11:19 AM
Just wanted to offer a hug because this is obviously upsetting for you!
I'm thinking it sounds like paradise LOL I'm a "touch me not" when it comes to neighbours - wave, friendly chit chat about our lawns, and that's it.