Most of the time, I'm fine. "Normal" feeling. Energetic, happy...I get upset if there's a reason, but nothing out of the ordinary.
But about 2-3 times a year, maybe a bit more I get sudden depression. It just comes out of no where and I feel like I'm buried under 10 feet of darkness. Its awful. I cant figure out what causes it or how to make it stop.
At the shortest, it might last a week. I had a very bad episode that lasted about 6-7 months several years ago.
The worst thing is when I get into these funks, I eat eat eat eat to the point of sickness over eating, an I put on weight so fast, like crazy fast, because of how much I eat daily. I also stop exercising. Stop wanting to go out, stop doing anything that I should be doing (like go all day and don't do the dishes, simple chores.) I skip taking the kids to functions, and stop showering and getting dressed. I have no desire to do anything, I just sit on the computer all day, reading message boards and watching junk tv. I am mostly blah, but I'm irritable if I'm not left alone, just generally grumpy. I have like a zero tolerance for stress and simple decision making. I'm tired, and can barely get out of bed, I'm so tired, drowsy during the day. This is especially hard because when I'm not depressed I get up at 5am to run. So I've been peeling myself out of bed around 7a for the kids. I also have no desire to run anyway. But I really miss my mornings. :( I've been setting my alarm and I'm literally sleeping through it! Like I don't even remember it going off! I'm beyond tired.
I'm sure that the staying in, very poor nutrition and lack of exercise only magnify this, but I have taken noticed that those things don't precede the depression, that the depression comes first.
I am terrified of these episodes. Big part because of weight, this is always when I regain my weight, its awful. I don't know how long it will last. Its just like one day I wake up and feel like myself again.
Anyway it started Friday, I felt it and I was just trying to ignore it. But here it is.
What the **** is going on??? :?:
I edited it to say, I'm not sad. Its weird. I really like my life. I'm "happy" and grateful. I know I'm happy but its like there's this wall keeping me from feeling it.
07-02-2014, 07:23 PM
I think I can empathize with what you feel. I do that but I seem to cycle more rapidly with more depressive episodes then happy ones. I feel the wall as well. It just feels like there is something in the way, I can;t seem to move past it when it happens to me.
I also eat to the point of being sick just to try to force down the feelings I think. I don't really have any advice just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
07-02-2014, 09:23 PM
Yes. Although fortunately for me they don't last as long. I have no advice. But I, too, can empathize.
07-03-2014, 06:08 AM
I have been there with you. Mine has a name- I got diagnosed many moons ago with major depressive disorder. It basically is a type of depression that isn't a one time thing- it goes in cycles. I can very much empathize with you. It is like, I am two different people. My personality is almost completely different when I am in a downswing. I wish there was something I could recommend that would make it all better, but unfortunately the only thing that has worked for me is medication, but I know for a lot of people that isn't an option or they understandably don't want to put that stuff in their bodies.
I know that it is life crippling and I am so very sorry you go through it. Know that you are definitely not alone. :hug:
07-03-2014, 11:20 AM
For me, keeping busy with something and getting exercise will help me get out of the depression. I'm a big believer in, "acting as if, and the feelings will follow". I may not want to plant some flowers, go for a walk or organize something at home. I may have a hard time getting started, but if I do get started, I generally get a benefit.
I take a very low dose of Celexa for Seasonal Depression. I generally take a break from it during the Spring and early Summer.
I can relate to out of control eating. It can be a slippery slope, One day you are in control and on a good path, and then on a stressful day you indulge in the foods you want to stay away from. It is so easy to slide back into mindless eating. It can feel like someone threw a switch and the control you had the day before is gone.
For me, it becomes a challenge to re-establish the good habit again. What worked for me recently, was posting daily on a thread and getting support. After approx. a week, I got my control back and I was glad I made the effort.
07-03-2014, 11:44 AM
Thank you all. Today I feel a bit better. I am trying to be kind to myself rather than the usual dialog of "whats wrong with you? snap out of it! Stop being such a miserable blob!" I feel like the cloud is lifting so I'm hoping in a few days I feel like me again.
I have been there done that with meds and its not for me. I don't believe I need them. For me, I don't like to run and get meds for ever bump in the rode, and a few days of depression is only a bump for me. If something like this persisted for a month or more I might reconsider meds. Its not like I'm suicidal. I just feel blahhhhhh. I can logically tell myself that this will pass and I try to ride it out without to much weight gain. That seems to be my main focus, that I'm gaining. I think that makes me feel worse so its a cycle.
07-03-2014, 12:15 PM
Glad the cloud is starting to lift! Sunshine is around the corner!
07-03-2014, 04:37 PM
No advice, just know you aren't alone. I feel for you. (((HUGS)))
07-03-2014, 04:47 PM
I am glad you are feeling better! Being kind to yourself is very important. And I completely understand that medication is not for you. Perhaps you could do some physical activity that stimulates serotonin. Exercise is key for me. Writing and journaling helps me a lot when I get into a downswing.
08-18-2014, 11:59 PM
I just found this website today and started reading some of the threads. Even though yours is from almost 2 months ago, it especially struck me, because I have had some times over the last 10 years or so of being in a very dark place. You called it a funk, which is funny because I describe it that way too, as well as that "dark place".
I have been in these funks for as long as 3-4 months or perhaps even more. It's also been here for as little as a week or two. But during this time, the longer it persists, I feel like I actually become devoid of emotion; apathetic, not really caring about anything, and my health falls under that category. I can easily gain 5 pounds in a week. I don't care about myself, I just go through the motions of life, and what I eat is barely a factor. Just getting out of that place is enough to deal with, so who cares that I eat a pint of B&Js for dinner because I can't even cook for myself.
Fortunately, about 4 years ago I decided to seek therapy from someone that specializes in eating disorders. It's been so good for my overall mental health. My dark funks have been lessening; it's been about a year since I was really in that dark, apathetic place. I've had some difficult periods but we've noticed they are becoming shorter in time frames. (And just so you know, while I've had some depression in my life, overall I always considered myself a generally happy person, decent childhood, etc.) Now I know that everyone has life issues and their own way of dealing with it. My way just happens to be with food. But what comes first? Food binging leads to depression? Or depression leads to unhealthy habits? A combo of both?
You may look at my current weight and say, "oh, really, 4 years of therapy is helping?" but it is. I understand better what can causes me to eat, since I've come to know what my core motivators and triggers are (logical thinking doesn't always overcome ingrained childhood urges, however). I had a pretty big life changing event happen over the course of the last year, and my weight increased pretty significantly as a result (60lbs up). But I still feel like as I work through my issues and every tear I cry in that weekly hour brings me closer and closer to a point of understanding, and little by little takes the power away from those triggers that cause me to abuse food, or worse, push my in to that overwhelming funk. I definitely know my brain is healthier than it was 4 years ago through staying with weekly therapy. And I know that if I don't continue to work on exploring and dealing with them, the regressive thoughts and darkness have the possibility of taking over like weeds. I'm still amazed after all of these years that I still have a breakthroughs and that there is still a lot to learn about myself.
I will pass on one piece of wisdom my therapist gave me.... emotions don't last. They come and go like waves on the ocean. So while we would love our happiest and best feelings to last forever, and we wonder why they don't...it's because it's natural in this ebb and flow of feelings. Our happiest feeling cannot be sustained permanently. But conversely, in my deepest, darkest funks, it's now getting easier to remember that just as happy feelings can't last forever, neither can the dark, depressive feelings. They will go too, in that same ebb and flow. It makes that feeling of being buried in a dark hole just a little easier when i remember that it will NOT last forever.
Best of luck to you. I hope you find some peace. :-) Just remember, you are not alone in the darkness. And it will not last forever.