Chicks in Control - Binged for the first time in a really long time




GlamourGirl827
06-20-2014, 10:22 PM
I've been doing so well. I've splurged and indulged but until today I haven't binged in months.

It felt different today, Uncontrolled, mindless. I wasn't eating food I wanted. I was just consuming rather unappetizing food just to consume. I wasn't excited about the food I was eating. I was just eating to eat. I consider this behavior a binge. Its lasted most of the day. And as the day went on it became more and more mindless, and my tummy fuller and fuller until I feel like I need to purge to relieve it. But I don't purge because I can never seem to bring my self to actually do so, though not from lack of trying.

I am so mad and feeling disgusting, and failed.

TOM is probably in a few days. But even though this is a pms fueled binge, I still feel awful. The past months, I have craved carbs and wanting to eat more before TOM, and I would increase my intake, but today was just one of those mind numbing disgusting binges.

I'm so tired now but I know I'm going to feel awful all night and sick in the morning.


Its been so long since I've binged, I forgot just how low and hopeless it feels afterwards. :(


Michou
06-21-2014, 12:07 AM
Dont be so hard on yourself, it happens, tomorrow is another day and keep reminding yourself that it did not feel that good. Take it as a learning experience.

Wannabeskinny
06-21-2014, 07:50 AM
Forgive yourself and exert some compassion. Don't fall into the guilt trap. Instead look to it as the red flag that it is. Binging behavior is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves. It's our body's way of coping when it runs out of coping tools. I haven't binged in a long time but I have over eaten on certain occasions and I try to learn what I can from it.

If I can stop the binge I use self care techniques to do so. But if the desire is too overwhelming then the kindest thing to do is to go through with eating and then revisit the situation in the days after. Then I ask myself a series of questions to get to the bottom of it.

Was I feeling physically vulnerable? (Lack of sleep, overly hungry, thirsty, over exerted, injured etc)
Was I feeling deprived? (Did I say no to myself on something I really wanted to eat, did I emphasize low cal days and label myself "good", did I pay myself on the back about eating good foods?)
Was there a stressful situation that happened before I ate? (Fight with someone, did someone question my food, an unpleasant experience)
Is there a stressful situation coming up? (A presentation at work, financial difficulties ahead, an unwelcome social situation)

Once I identify what the root cause of my discomfort I can devise a plan to deal with it. Next I pay close attention to the negative self thoughts that pop into my head. I tend to say negative harassing things to myself when I have dress like I can't get through this, I'm too fat, I'll never lose weight or nobody cares. Each thought needs to be looked at like an errant child, then I come up with 3 countering positive thoughts to battle each negative thought until I'm no longer in te grips of negativity.

Geez you can tell I'm in therapy lol. Anyway the more adept I become at confronting my emotional discomfort the less I overeat and the quicker I snap back to normalcy. It's important not to view an emotional eating episode as a weakness. Instead look at it as your body's genius way of alerting you to something that needs your attention.


GlamourGirl827
06-21-2014, 08:38 AM
Thank you both.

Wannabe, I admit, the first thing I did when I woke up was start thinking about yesterday's binge. I think TOM really pushed it over the edge, but there is more to it, because I've been through many, many months of TOM with out this kind of binge. Actually I don't think I've binged like this since before my last baby.

At the base of it, I have this building an anxiety about regaining the weight. I am below my "set point". Even if someone doesn't believe in the set point theory, I am below the weight I have always maintained as a non pregnant adult. I tend to settle at like 165-ish. Trying to stay below this weight feels like an impossible feat. I have always regained the weight.

I feel like I am preforming on a stage in front of everyone I know, and my weight is the entertainment. And everyone can see if I am over eating, even if I do so in private, they will know by my weight.

There's this panic that I cannot longer eat what I want when I want, ever again. Because now I must maintain this weight loss AND continue to lose. I feel pressured to run. Its something I enjoy but now its becoming an anxiety that I must do it to maintain my current weight, and lose more.

Its like I've been hired for a top position in a company, because I've faked my resume and now I am constantly frantic about maintaining that position with my poor qualifications. And if I mess up, everyone will know. I'm like "how did I get myself into this predicament??" My resume, eats healthy food in controlled amounts, doesn't overeat, doesn't eat a whole ben and jerrys in one sitting, exercises, weight lifting, runs, enjoys a healthy lifestyle, is naturally this weight...when the truth is I'm really a fat girl! I like to sit and I like to eat. Yeah I like healthy food, but I also like eating lots of junks, and it is a struggle for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle for the long run. I've always given up at some point.

The more I feel I cannot over eat ever again, the more I am compelled to. But at this weight, and lower, its very easy for my to regain from just a few weeks of relaxed eating and slacking off on running. I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Wannabeskinny
06-21-2014, 09:02 AM
For some of us losing weight is just as traumatic as gaining. I lost 5lbs due to strep throat last week and have diligently set out to regain it because it made me so nervous. Like it wasn't earned or deserved or real or valid. Why do people think losing weight will solve problems? For some of us it creates more.

That's a lot of pressure. Being in a stage with weightloss is horrifying. No wonder it led to a binge. It's what we do best at times of extreme distress. In this case I would sit with a few questions. Do you deserve to lose weight? Do you deserve the attention it begets? Along with losing weight hat else are you losing? What will happen if you do regain?

Also, are you focusing so much on numbers that you can't enjoy the real benefits of your weightloss? Can you step away from the scale, the numbers, the calories, timing your runs and measuring the distances or a week? These are all external measures of accountability and your inner rebel is having a field day. Measuring numbers is a type of restriction and restriction does backfire.

There are numerous accounts in different IE books about the inner rebel. The inner rebel rears her ugly an obstinate head when we impose severe restrictions. This is normally what leads to binges. She brings along with her the inner self critic. The judge and the jury. I'm but a speck of dust on the face of the judge and the jury. What works for me in the scenario you described is to let go o all control and external factors of accountability and focus 100% of my attention to what my body really needs: plenty of sleep, water, movement, relaxation, pleasure and atunement. Eat what you must but do it mindfully paying really close attention to how your body receives the food. Give it the nourishing experience that it is asking you for. Your body is freighters of all the pressure that has amassed. Take care of its immediate needs, use some meditation and stress management techniques and ride trough the rough patch calmly as a warrior protecting your fragile body. Destroy the negative thoughts as much as possible. A binge always ends.

Valkyrie1
06-21-2014, 11:58 AM
I have felt like that before, and had the thought, "how did I get myself into this? Now, I can never over eat again, and I like over eating."

I'm glad that the weight I'm trying to maintain is still in the overweight category. I feel like I have a chance of maintaining it. If it was too low, I feel like it would be too hard.

GlamourGirl827
06-21-2014, 08:15 PM
For some of us losing weight is just as traumatic as gaining. I lost 5lbs due to strep throat last week and have diligently set out to regain it because it made me so nervous. Like it wasn't earned or deserved or real or valid. Why do people think losing weight will solve problems? For some of us it creates more.

That's a lot of pressure. Being in a stage with weightloss is horrifying. No wonder it led to a binge. It's what we do best at times of extreme distress. In this case I would sit with a few questions. Do you deserve to lose weight? Do you deserve the attention it begets? Along with losing weight hat else are you losing? What will happen if you do regain?

Also, are you focusing so much on numbers that you can't enjoy the real benefits of your weightloss? Can you step away from the scale, the numbers, the calories, timing your runs and measuring the distances or a week? These are all external measures of accountability and your inner rebel is having a field day. Measuring numbers is a type of restriction and restriction does backfire.

There are numerous accounts in different IE books about the inner rebel. The inner rebel rears her ugly an obstinate head when we impose severe restrictions. This is normally what leads to binges. She brings along with her the inner self critic. The judge and the jury. I'm but a speck of dust on the face of the judge and the jury. What works for me in the scenario you described is to let go o all control and external factors of accountability and focus 100% of my attention to what my body really needs: plenty of sleep, water, movement, relaxation, pleasure and atunement. Eat what you must but do it mindfully paying really close attention to how your body receives the food. Give it the nourishing experience that it is asking you for. Your body is freighters of all the pressure that has amassed. Take care of its immediate needs, use some meditation and stress management techniques and ride trough the rough patch calmly as a warrior protecting your fragile body. Destroy the negative thoughts as much as possible. A binge always ends.

Yes, for me, weight loss brings lots of problems. I agree, I cannot understand how weight loss can bring anything but problems. For me, it turns my whole world upside down when it comes to other people. I don't like that feeling like I am no longer one of the fat girls. I don't fit in with "fit" people. I just don't. But here I am running and eating generally healthy, and I do enjoy those things, and it attracts like company. I don't like how men look at me differently, or hold doors, or look me in the eye. I felt safe being fat. And now I feel exposed.

I like being a smaller size for me. I like to look in the mirror and see a body I kind of like, I like running and not feeling winded. I like my knees not hurting anymore. I wish I could lose weight without everyone else seeing.

I feel like if I regain, then I have failed. I also feel that because of my history of yo-yoing that everyone in my life except my husband is waiting and expecting me to fail. I can think of a few people (family) that I am fairly sure are rooting for me to fail. I am one of those people that sets the bar high and achieves and I feel that some people in my life enjoy watching me fail over and over at weight loss. Its like they are smiling at a goal that glamourgirl can't achieve, or maintain. (but they call me my real name, not glamourgirl lol).

I did step away from the scale last month and stayed off for a few weeks and it did me wonders. And slowly I started weighing again until it was every day again. The scale needs to be put away, because I am basing my self worth on that number, and that number is giving me anxiety.

GlamourGirl827
06-21-2014, 08:17 PM
I have felt like that before, and had the thought, "how did I get myself into this? Now, I can never over eat again, and I like over eating."

I'm glad that the weight I'm trying to maintain is still in the overweight category. I feel like I have a chance of maintaining it. If it was too low, I feel like it would be too hard.

This is a big part of it. I know my old habits will cause me to regain but sometimes I miss my old habits of over eating! I am terrified that I will never be able to go the rest of my life without overeating again. And when I do, like yesterday, it triggers me restrict the next day out of guilt and fear of regaining.

Locke
06-22-2014, 09:55 AM
Maybe instead of thinking about overeating over a period of time (like a week) you can think of it as indulging every once in a while and it being a normal thing? Even the skinniest of people overeat at times. The difference is that they don't punish themselves for it.

Mrs Snark
06-22-2014, 02:59 PM
You've gotten great advice already I think. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling this pain. Binging is such a scary thing, and even when we are not binging we fear a fall back into the old pattern.

I've stopped thinking about conquering binging completely or leading a completely binge-free life. After many years of struggle I realized that if I binged only a few times every year I'd be totally thrilled. And so, kind of like the intuitive eaters in the group have experienced when they gave themselves permission to eat whatever they want, by telling myself it would be perfectly OK if I binged a few times every year, alot of the hypersensitivity over the FEAR of binging has decreased -- which is such a relief. My world will not collapse if I have a binge, so no need to fret over it happening so much. Weird, I know.

Sending you hugs!

lucindaarrowspark
06-22-2014, 10:33 PM
Glamour Girl 287,
You are brave for exposing your binge. This is a safe space.
The angst you are experiencing in reaction to men's attention... that is hard wired into our DNA. You are HUMAN! I get that ick-factor too from uninvited male attention.

Purple1993
07-02-2014, 05:56 PM
I know exactly how you are feeling. I have binged ate big amounts of food and felt awful and sick afterward not to mention tremendously guilty. I would beat myself up over it, be incredibly hard on myself. I am trying not to do that now but it is difficult I know it almost feels like human nature something we cant even control. I tried to use that terrible and sick feeling as motivation not to do it whenever I feel like doing it. sometimes it works and well sometimes it doesn't and I repeat the same cycle. but we all have to remember that we are only human and we are doing the best we can and if we screw up once in a while, its ok. we just need to forgive ourselves and hopefully learn from it. hope you feel better!

thinin08
07-11-2014, 03:49 PM
[QUOTE=The more I feel I cannot over eat ever again, the more I am compelled to.[/QUOTE]

I want you to know how much this one line has helped me today. I had a light bulb moment reading this thread.

Thank you

Valkyrie1
07-11-2014, 04:20 PM
I love Mrs. Snark's comment. That is a great attitude. I may overeat once in a while. It's not the end of the world.

Jubilee77
07-12-2014, 11:31 PM
Glamour Girl 287,
You are brave for exposing your binge. This is a safe space.

Exposing and admitting my binges has been a huge part of my recovery. Keep on keeping on.

:)