Depression and Weight Issues - Granddaughter told me I was fat




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startanew
06-20-2014, 11:09 AM
My granddaughter is 4 and yesterday she said to me "your getting really fat. Right, nonnie?" I know she's just a kid and I laughed it off but I've been really upset about it and can't stop crying over it. As it is, I'm constantly beating myself up for gaining so much weight back. I feel like it's not worth it to try anymore. I know I'm fat but I guess it hurts to hear from an innocent child...she's only telling the truth and she never meant to hurt me. Wasn't sure how to handle it and I'm too ashamed to talk to my husband and daughter about it. I just feel so stupid for crying over something a child said. I'm severely depressed and have been for months, I guess this just topped the cake. I don't really have a question, just needed to vent about it to someone.
Anyone else have this happen?


HealthyTree
06-20-2014, 12:48 PM
Out of the mouths of babes... I've had this happen to me before. It really does hurt, especially if you're feeling low to begin with.

Some unsolicited advice: Stop beating yourself up about the weight you've regained. I gained back 40lbs of my previous loss and it absolutely destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I wasn't able to get back on track until I accepted that I made some pretty big errors in priorities and ate myself back up to a weight that was embarrassing and depressing. As soon as I got over myself, I was able to focus and start losing again.

Sure, it sucks knowing I'm dieting to get back to where I was (which was not even my goal) and then knowing that I have more to lose on top of it... yeeeesh, it feels pretty endless at times.... but it's worth it. I'm worth it. You're worth it. Everyone on this board wants to get to a healthy/happy weight. We're all worth it! It's a journey, and there might be pit stops, side roads and flat tires along the way, but if you continue driving, you'll make it there.
(Unless your metaphorical car explodes. In that case, I recommend seeing a mechanic).

Chin up luv!

Gingerjv
06-20-2014, 01:08 PM
Kids say what they see...and mostly it is true(( i have faced with their "cruel" wrods few times. Though those kids were not of my family still it was very sad to hear. I also was cryingI... Already few kids of my friends told me that i gained weight(( I used to be very skinny. Those kids remember me when i was skinny and see me now...when i am not skinny at all((( I also answered with smiles and laughter but inside i was crying...What can you do with it? Just take your weight under control! I know it's hard...but we need to start the fight with weight..


jbf123
06-20-2014, 01:33 PM
I usually use it as a motivation maker- if your anything like me I like to just put it out of my mind and go about my life, but sometimes we need something to open our eyes. I just graduated from nursing school and the pictures at graduation were an eye-opener for me. I have decided it is time to focus on me and getting my life back. You can do it too!

startanew
06-20-2014, 04:59 PM
Thanks everyone.I'm trying to get myself out of this cycle, but each time I gain back weight I have lost it just eats away at my self esteem. The problem is, a few years back when I was at 175, I remember thinking I was fat. I'm never skinny enough, it's never enough to make me happy. I've figured out that to be truly happy I have to love myself, but I don't even now how to begin to do that. It's gotten so bad that I will hardly leave the house for fear of seeing someone I kno because I know what they are thinking...she's gained all that weight back...again. they think it's simple, just stop eating. My mom, who has never been overweight, just tells me to stop eating so much. If it were only that simple.

jbf123
06-20-2014, 05:46 PM
I feel your pain. I always think if only... but we only have now. Time to start over

maddierep
06-22-2014, 11:37 AM
First hugs.

Second (and i know this is easier said and done) try and uncouple your weight from how you feel about yourself. I've been nearly obese for a third of my life. And the things i'm proud of and the things i've failed at, none of them have had anything to do with my weight.

Take your grand daughter for instance and think about how much you love her and love spending time with her (I'm picturing my mom and my niece - they both adore each other). Your weight (other than a fact that she commented on) has absolutely no bearing on your love for each other.

Hope this reminds you how many other things there are define you and for you to celebrate that

FitFanny
06-22-2014, 12:40 PM
I know it's discouraging, but try to wake up every morning feeling renewed. I starting my weight loss journey in January after a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant. I'm not. Granted, I was wearing an empire waist shirt and was very bloated. I couldn't be angry because she honestly looked excited for me lol! Anyway, I started out strong, lost interest, gained some back and am trying again. Everyday is a new opportunity, you decide what to do with it. Don't let your emotions dictate what you are going to do with your day, stick with your plan (you may need to put it on paper with some check boxes) (I'm a list person), be determined and optimistic!

seagirl
06-22-2014, 01:54 PM
i think sometimes we are in denial about things, and when it is presented to us in a way that we can't look away from, it hurts. You are fat. It's a fact. Your granddaughter is 4, and she saw it and said it. Like she'd say "that bunny is brown. that school bus is yellow." we do that with kids "look at the truck honey, it's big and moving sand." But when they say something like "Auntie you have fat ankles" [yup, my niece said that and it is true] we think "Ack! Don't mention that! If you don't mention it I don't have to think about it!"

The thing is, my niece doesn't care that I have fat ankles. Like I didn't care that my nana had "ugly legs" which I told her when I was 4. (She did, they had veins that showed) but what I loved about her was a million other things about her. I was just pointing out a fact.

My feelings about my ankles aren't my nieces fault, and your feelings about your weight were there before your granddaughter said anything, she just shined a light on them.

Have you been to your doctor about your depression to talk about medical treatment for it?

summertime03
06-22-2014, 02:03 PM
No advice... Just hugs. It will get better

Koshka
06-22-2014, 07:29 PM
Seagirl -- very good post

startanew
06-23-2014, 03:06 PM
Thanks everyone. Seagirl that's exactly true. I know I'm getting fat, but if I don't hear it out loud it's easier to deal with. No I haven't been to a doctor yet. Guess I was just hoping I could pull myself out of it but it's not working.

seagirl
06-23-2014, 06:07 PM
Thanks everyone. Seagirl that's exactly true. I know I'm getting fat, but if I don't hear it out loud it's easier to deal with. No I haven't been to a doctor yet. Guess I was just hoping I could pull myself out of it but it's not working.

I tried to pull myself out of it for years. The visit to my doctor was the best thing I ever did for myself, and the people who love me. :hug:

2salads
06-29-2014, 09:49 PM
Well there is a difference between kids who call fat people names because they think it is funny and children who are innocently saying things and haven't learned the subtle art of filtering yet.

I do remember, though, being in the cafeteria waiting for my son to get out of class and listened to a group of girls ranging from 5 to 11 saying how they were getting fat and that their clothes made them look fat. Children learn at a very young age that fat is bad and makes you ugly. I never heard the girls say that being fat was unhealthy. Just ugly. Is it a wonder that as we grow older we develop poor eating habits, and then start dieting at a very young age? Then having body image issues that not only lead in to weight gain but eating disorders. One minute a child can make a statement of fact without understanding any ramifications. The next year they could be potentially falling into the same trap we have all been falling into.

I know this will probably be controversial but it also struck me that you laughed it off to a 4 year old. Your feelings were hurt and you stuffed them because you didn't want to "take it out on her for being truthful". Children need to know that you have feelings. They will learn from us how to stuff their feelings if we are always stuffing ours. You don't have to make her try to feel bad, but if you are hurt you can say "Grandma's weight is making her unhealthy and it's hard for her. But you lighten up my day! Let's go play ball, now, okay?" It addresses the issue factually but moves the conversation along with no guilt, dramatics, and hopefully no beating yourself up later.

I hope you feel better soon!

Wannabehealthy
06-29-2014, 10:03 PM
Startanew, I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt. Like someone else said, she has not learned to choose her words carefully. I have a funny story that may make you chuckle. My friend had her young granddaughter at the mall and grandma had to visit the restroom. There was a line waiting, and grandma didn't want to leave the little girl standing by herself so she took her into the stall with her. When grandma pulled down her panties the granddaughter said "Boy Grandma, you have a big butt!" Everyone in the restroom heard her and started laughing....coming from a young child it WAS funny!

raining 74
07-03-2014, 04:47 PM
I know what you are going through. My (then) 3 yo asked me if I had another baby in my belly. I laughed and said no, it's just fat. Then I walked out and cried. I totally relate. Don't let it get you down. Use it as motivation. Maybe both if you can cook healthy foods together and show her the right way to be. Again though, I understand the hurt you get from that.

startanew
07-04-2014, 12:13 PM
Well there is a difference between kids who call fat people names because they think it is funny and children who are innocently saying things and haven't learned the subtle art of filtering yet.

I do remember, though, being in the cafeteria waiting for my son to get out of class and listened to a group of girls ranging from 5 to 11 saying how they were getting fat and that their clothes made them look fat. Children learn at a very young age that fat is bad and makes you ugly. I never heard the girls say that being fat was unhealthy. Just ugly. Is it a wonder that as we grow older we develop poor eating habits, and then start dieting at a very young age? Then having body image issues that not only lead in to weight gain but eating disorders. One minute a child can make a statement of fact without understanding any ramifications. The next year they could be potentially falling into the same trap we have all been falling into.

I know this will probably be controversial but it also struck me that you laughed it off to a 4 year old. Your feelings were hurt and you stuffed them because you didn't want to "take it out on her for being truthful". Children need to know that you have feelings. They will learn from us how to stuff their feelings if we are always stuffing ours. You don't have to make her try to feel bad, but if you are hurt you can say "Grandma's weight is making her unhealthy and it's hard for her. But you lighten up my day! Let's go play ball, now, okay?" It addresses the issue factually but moves the conversation along with no guilt, dramatics, and hopefully no beating yourself up later.

I hope you feel better soon!
This is true and a great point. I guess I was caught off guard and didn't know the best way to handle it. Now I know what to say if it happens again. :)
This also makes me think of growing up and my mom. I come from a skinny family and I'm the only fat child. My mom was thin and still is. I remember e r being about 7 and telling her my legs look fat....she told me to go on a diet. I remember her telling me I ate too much and would get fatter. The word fat has always been a bad word to me. Lots of issues I need to work through.

startanew
07-04-2014, 12:15 PM
Startanew, I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt. Like someone else said, she has not learned to choose her words carefully. I have a funny story that may make you chuckle. My friend had her young granddaughter at the mall and grandma had to visit the restroom. There was a line waiting, and grandma didn't want to leave the little girl standing by herself so she took her into the stall with her. When grandma pulled down her panties the granddaughter said "Boy Grandma, you have a big butt!" Everyone in the restroom heard her and started laughing....coming from a young child it WAS funny!

Lol funny! :)

startanew
07-04-2014, 12:21 PM
Thanks raining. :) I have a friend who carries her weight in her belly area and gets that question a lot from adults, I know it's very hard for her. :(

raining 74
07-04-2014, 12:23 PM
So far I've only gotten it from my kids but I'm sure other ppl might wonder too :-/

Miss Fitt
07-04-2014, 12:45 PM
Chiming in with my (very old) story. Back when I was a teenager, my 4 year-old nephew said to my "Auntie, you have fat legs", like it was a casual observation. I was about 14 at the time, and I always knew that I had heavy legs, but to hear it from my own nephew really hurt. I was already self-conscious about them, and then - a zinger from him...ouch! I'm 50 now, and I still remember this and other hurtful remarks throughout my life. I try to have a thick skin, but it can be difficult, I know!

flower123
07-05-2014, 04:27 AM
Hi. I just found this thread. Ouch. I am so sorry this happened to you. 38 years ago, when I was working in Boston, I went on my lunch hour to the open market they had in the north end. Lots of vendors selling lots of meats, vegetables and breads. Very old world Italy sort of thing, in those days. Anyway, one of the men gave me a tomato for the baby he thought I was pregnant with. I had never been pregnant. It was all fat.

Fat hurts. And the innocent comments that kids make ( and apparantly street vendors too) can be so hard to handle. Thats for sure. I am REALLY sorry. I know how those things hurt so much

hannahbeanies
07-05-2014, 06:12 AM
:hug:

Oh, sweets. I am very sorry that it hurt you so much. I can completely understand why, though. My friend was pregnant and her 4 year old daughter was ecstatic and telling everyone that her mommy has a baby in her belly. Well, one day she was sitting next to me and touched my belly and asked if I had one too. I knew she didn't mean anything by it. It was just an innocent question, but holy cow did that ever hurt so much. I was about 20 pounds lighter then too. I can't imagine what she would say now. :/ It is hard to let things like that slide off you.

jiffypop
07-26-2014, 12:27 AM
i know i'm a little late to this, but having been in this situation ...

i've made a few points to some of the children in my life:
1. my weight doesn't affect my ability to love them or to be loved by them.
2. no one is perfect - it's just that you can see some people's flaws and you can't see others.
3. the 'yes, it's unhealthy and i'm trying, and let's go do something fun' approach.
4. if some of their friends are a little heavy, just be a good friend - help them get outdoors and play, laugh and giggle together.

But, call me a miserable old coot or whatever, but i simply don't let their comments get to me. Maybe because I've heard it sooo often from so many over the years, i've become numb.

however, we might have a discussion about the fact that pointing out other people's flaws is not polite, but that it's OK to be concerned about someone's health.

OTOH, that random 4 year old in the grocery store who pointed at me and announced that i was fat, well, he got a nasty stare and a 'I do not appreciate rude children'' comment from me. His mother lit into him as i went off down the aisle.

tinneranne2
07-26-2014, 01:24 AM
The little girl I babysat for when I was 17 asked me when I was having my baby. I told her I was just overweight. She said "So, no baby?" I said no and her response was precious: "You're lucky, babies are really loud" and we went on with our day.

PatPat
07-26-2014, 01:31 AM
oh, away goes the formerly so great picture of round grannys with white hair tucked in a bun, wearing an apron and making cookies....

isnt that what grandmas are in those fairy tales? and why does your grandchild know the word "fat" at the age of 4? she really should`t....

at that age and way beyond I was accepting people the different way they are, some bigger, some smaller, some taller some shorter... It took much more years for me to even question that, and I wish I had never learned it....

Wannabehealthy
07-27-2014, 12:29 PM
Children that young don't usually know about "fat" or "thin." Many times they hear their parents making comments and repeat them. People have to be careful what they say in front of small children and be aware of the habits they are teaching them.