Depression and Weight Issues - Summer Sucks




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Munchy
06-09-2014, 12:05 PM
Every year as summer approaches I start to get more and more antsy about clothes. I don't seem to be able to dress myself at all, which makes every single morning frustrating. Since I feel embarrassed to wear most summer fashions, I often end up in long sleeves and long pants in VERY hot weather, making me even more frustrated.

Last Saturday was my annual breakdown after a long, hot day at a fair wearing a black track jacket and dark jeans, and I sobbed for a good hour once I didn't have my child with me. I have so many beautiful clothes, but never feel the confidence to pull them off. How is it that I could be at a fair with 10,000 other people, and seemingly be the only person that feels like this?

After so many years, I should be able to let it go, but I just can't fight the extreme sadness. I actually like summer when I don't need to get dressed, but as soon as my day starts and I need to get out of the house, the cycle begins.

:(


Novus
06-09-2014, 12:26 PM
:hug: I actually kinna want to weep with you because this is so sad.

You can absolutely be gorgeous and stunning without revealing 90% of your skin. Wear lightweight flowy garments, like billowy trousers and a loose blouse, or maybe a maxi sundress or skirt with a very light tee, or maybe a tunic with ankle pants? Make sure to look for comfortable and breathable fabrics - cotton, linen, eyelet, madras, chambray, seersucker, silk. Avoid denim and synthetics like polyester.

Once you've got the wardrobe in place, maybe start addressing some of the emotional issues that are triggering all this. Not for the purpose of someday wearing a string bikini to the beach but because you need to come to a place of realizing and accepting your beauty (because we all are beautiful in our own way!)

Nanu
06-09-2014, 12:39 PM
:hug:I'm so sorry you feel that way.

i agree with Novus with about wearing what feels comfortable. Being covered head to toe in black in summer is not pleasant.

What is it about the gorgeous clothes you have that you don't feel confident you can pull off?


berryblondeboys
06-09-2014, 01:08 PM
OK... I really think you need to talk to a counselor about this. And I'm saying that in the most loving way I can and I hope you realize that counselors are YOUR FRIEND.

Red flags here that this is a problem that needs addressing for REAL:

There is NO WAY you are as heavy or as "unsightly" in summer clothes as you seem to think you are- no way... So, it can't be that you look bad - truly.

Two, if you don't want people to look at you, then dress appropriately. Believe me, people are talking and staring MORE when you are wearing all those clothes in the heat than if you wore your beautiful clothes.

THIRDLY and MOSTLY, if you can't do this for yourself, or your partner, do it for your child(ren) because they will pick up on your insecurities and possibly absorb them and I know you don't want that.

But I am glad that you are voicing it. That, to me, is the start to healing. I don't know your back story or why you have such insecurities, but you can overcome them. You can come to peace with your body, but maybe not alone.

And I want to give you a hug. I really do.

Munchy
06-09-2014, 02:01 PM
OK... I really think you need to talk to a counselor about this. And I'm saying that in the most loving way I can and I hope you realize that counselors are YOUR FRIEND.

My back story is basically I was a chubby child for a few years, then I started to skip meals at age 11 and didn't stop until I got pregnant at 25. I expressed to my doctor that I was very concerned about my weight gain while pregnant, and I saw a pregnancy therapist who referred me elsewhere because she said my issues were obviously triggered by pregnancy, but had been longstanding. So, I started therapy, I blind weighed throughout my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with an ED-NOS, and I gained 80lbs. That is a LOT for me. I lost the weight in one year, but continued therapy for a total of three years.

When she opened a new practice that was quite a distance from me, I asked if she was going to refer me elsewhere. She felt that I had worked through most of my issues since we saw each other weekly and basically I would just tell her how happy I was for my session for the entire last year that I saw her.

A few years later I decided that I needed to address my eating again and to lose the 10lbs that I'm still trying to lose, so I saw a nutritional therapist/RD who deals with eating disorders. She blind weighed me and put me on a 1400 calorie/day "refeeding" program and in no time I had gained almost 15lbs making me officially "overweight" according to BMI charts. I had an OB/GYN who I told that I wouldn't like to discuss weight due to working with a specialist, and she proceeded to tell me I was obese (with a 26 BMI) and gave me a calorie-counting brochure. After nine months of work, I never went back to nutritional therapy again.

I love going to see a therapist. It makes me feel good, but they're not standing getting dressed with me in the morning. Half the time I feel like I just need a fashion consultant. So, is it worth it to go to therapy even if I don't make any progress in this arena? For over 20 years I've been battling this same issue and I'm basically swimming in circles. I hide my insecurities very well in real life, and only those closest to me know about it. My favorite thing to say is "I don't do summer" when people comment (and they always do) on my clothing.

I don't think I'm fat like I did when I was a kid - I just have a body type that makes certain clothing less attractive on me. I don't know how to accept it and that makes me feel like I'm just giving up because weight loss isn't happening.

The beautiful clothes show off parts of my body that I would prefer to keep covered. Maybe I'll try breathable clothes instead of just wearing my winter wardrobe and feeling like I'm going to pass out.

I just needed to get this off of my chest. I'm really struggling.

berryblondeboys
06-09-2014, 03:55 PM
Have you brought up these specific issues with a therapist before? That might be the key.

And... I'm so sorry your nutritionist was a butt and your OB/GYN an even bigger butt!!!! That's AWFUL!

But wearing winter clothes in summer is definitely not good. You truly could pass out from heat stroke, or worse.

To me it doesn't sound like you need a nutritionist. You need a therapist to address your self-image.

nonameslob
06-09-2014, 04:27 PM
I know you've mentioned in another thread that summer is when you get seasonal depression...now I fully understand. :hug:

It sounds like you've had not the best experience with therapy, but the key is, if you can, to keep looking for a therapist until you find someone that actually helps you make progress. They can't be there while you get dressed in the morning, but they should be able to provide you with the tools to learn how to be okay with dressing appropriately for the weather. I really hope you will give it another shot. (I should take my own advice here)

You don't have to dread summer (again, change "summer" to "fall" and it's like I'm talking to myself). But you do have to put the effort in and better yourself....your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Munchy
06-09-2014, 05:01 PM
My therapist was amazing and kept me sane while I was going nuts (pregnancy, divorce and the aftermath of both) but maybe we were so focused on the craziness that was my daily life that we never really focused on MY issues.

I'm thinking that maybe I should give it another shot. I like the way I feel when I'm in therapy, but I never really thought about it as progress, just a way to vent and keep me from screaming in tough times. Is there anybody that really "cures" their issues or do they just become less of a life hindrance?

berryblondeboys
06-09-2014, 05:15 PM
I did two years of therapy when I was dealing with some issues. The therapist helped me see things in different ways that I could by myself. And it did "cure" me of the fears I had. As when I stopped fighting my own head, I was at peace.

EasySpirit
06-09-2014, 07:42 PM
How tall are you? I am 5'2" and I would cry for joy if I weighed 125. Unless you are much shorter than I am, I agree with all above that you need to find a therapist to help you.

been there, done that - - and it does help

KarinRose
06-09-2014, 10:22 PM
I am going to put in another plug for therapy. I went to a great person who gave me just the right amount of push back.

However, I know how good I am at evading the true issues. So to keep myself honest I brainstormed various issues/negative thoughts as they bothered me and kept a list of them in my iPad (using the paper app). Then I would take it to the therapist and say..."I'm having an issue with...."

I know I could have hoodwinked him for nine months, instead I addressed some powerful root causes.

I'm not cured, but I'm a heck of a lot more functional than I used to be. And, that's all we really want anyways, right?

berryblondeboys
06-09-2014, 10:25 PM
My therapist was amazing and kept me sane while I was going nuts (pregnancy, divorce and the aftermath of both) but maybe we were so focused on the craziness that was my daily life that we never really focused on MY issues.


That very well could be. You were facing major life changers and trying to make it through. The other stuff was small potatoes. But.... They are impacting your life and your happiness. You deserve to be happy, so if you can find it, I think you should try.

Munchy
06-10-2014, 09:35 AM
I'm a shorty - 5ft tall, so I'm not trying to get down to an unhealthy level. I do appreciate all of the comments. I think I may look into a therapist. I asked my boyfriend his honest opinion because I go back and forth between feeling like I need a fashion consultant, a personal trainer/diet guru, or a therapist (maybe all of them!). He said "therapy won't make you feel thinner, but will make you remember 'who cares?!'" I know that I need to accept that I'm not teeny and never will be - I'm curvier with a large bust/backside and small waist. It's hard for me to accept that I can't just diet myself down to a body type that I'd prefer. I don't know if that's just me giving up because it's hard work, or if I just need to work on accepting myself as is.

Thanks for your feedback :hug:

Munchy
06-10-2014, 09:36 AM
You deserve to be happy, so if you can find it, I think you should try.

I love this. I think you're right - it's time to work toward the happiness I deserve.

nonameslob
06-10-2014, 09:46 AM
I love this. I think you're right - it's time to work toward the happiness I deserve.

This is so true. :hug:

berryblondeboys
06-10-2014, 09:48 AM
I'm a shorty - 5ft tall, so I'm not trying to get down to an unhealthy level. I do appreciate all of the comments. I think I may look into a therapist. I asked my boyfriend his honest opinion because I go back and forth between feeling like I need a fashion consultant, a personal trainer/diet guru, or a therapist (maybe all of them!). He said "therapy won't make you feel thinner, but will make you remember 'who cares?!'" I know that I need to accept that I'm not teeny and never will be - I'm curvier with a large bust/backside and small waist. It's hard for me to accept that I can't just diet myself down to a body type that I'd prefer. I don't know if that's just me giving up because it's hard work, or if I just need to work on accepting myself as is.

Thanks for your feedback :hug:

This sounds great and your boyfriend sounds like a positive force in your life, so that makes it easier to work on "YOU" too. Good for you!!!! And if the first therapist isn't a good fit, move on to another.

Munchy
06-10-2014, 10:11 AM
This sounds great and your boyfriend sounds like a positive force in your life, so that makes it easier to work on "YOU" too. Good for you!!!! And if the first therapist isn't a good fit, move on to another.

I am incredibly lucky in that regard, especially after a history of duds. ;)

My best friend is really cute too. We were talking on Sunday and she told me to take baby steps, saying that she was so proud that I bought a bikini last year and I should lay out in my back yard - don't worry about the beach this year, just start with my yard.

berryblondeboys
06-10-2014, 10:14 AM
I am incredibly lucky in that regard, especially after a history of duds. ;)

My best friend is really cute too. We were talking on Sunday and she told me to take baby steps, saying that she was so proud that I bought a bikini last year and I should lay out in my back yard - don't worry about the beach this year, just start with my yard.

Sometimes I wish we could "like" posts! :)

Munchy
06-23-2014, 10:46 AM
I asked my daughter to take a picture of me last Friday, and I was SHOCKED - I really didn't look big at all. I never take full body shots, and I don't usually wear dresses that show any kind of leg, so it was a step outside of my comfort zone, for sure.

Baby steps.

http://tinyurl.com/odm3y3g

LilDazed
06-23-2014, 12:35 PM
I asked my daughter to take a picture of me last Friday, and I was SHOCKED - I really didn't look big at all. I never take full body shots, and I don't usually wear dresses that show any kind of leg, so it was a step outside of my comfort zone, for sure.

Baby steps.

http://tinyurl.com/odm3y3g

That dress is gorgeous and you look great in it! :yay:

Novus
06-23-2014, 02:30 PM
I asked my daughter to take a picture of me last Friday, and I was SHOCKED - I really didn't look big at all.

You look PHENOMENAL. Beautiful, trim, and healthy. Definitely NOT big!

EmmaD
06-23-2014, 04:12 PM
You look great!! OMG seriously - you legs look quite toned and the dress is very flattering.

I think you have gotten some great advice about therapy etc.

Based on what you have said, a fashion consultant might be a good idea too! (Not related to the dress in the photo, just a general idea... ) Maybe someone who knows something about this will pop in.

The reason I bring this up is that I can relate. I get extremely frustrated/depressed when I have to go out somewhere because of the challenge of getting dressed. I have a normal BMI (just barely) but I have some odd proportions. I have learned many things that make me look worse, but I don't know that many that make me look better. Though when I find them occasionally it is AMAZING how different it is to not feel horrifically self-conscious all the time. I would gladly pay someone to help me figure out what works for me

Best of luck sorting it all out ... but in the meantime, just know that random people from the internet think you look beautiful!

Munchy
06-24-2014, 09:57 AM
Thank you! I took a long look at myself yesterday in just a bra and underwear - something I usually avoid. I actually thought, "hey, I could wear a bikini and it would look okay."

I'm going to try to find a wardrobe consultant because I used to be SO fashionable and now I just throw on jeans, a long sleeved black tee, and sneakers. That's no way to feel confident and pretty. I gave up and it's time to get back to what I really like. At this point, I need a little bit of help with it.

2salads
06-29-2014, 08:26 PM
Oooh, I get your summer clothes issue. Truly. Other than swimwear I wear the same basic clothes all summer. A white tee and either knee length denim shorts or capris. I would suggest you find one summer outfit that you like and wear it til it falls apart. Wear and wash. Get multiples of the same tops and bottoms. Then accessorize!

Also if you avoid going out and cover up too much not only are you looking for heat stroke but you are depriving yourself of sunshine. Seasonal mood disorders are typically caused by this. Fall and winter are often the worst because of the short days and lack of exposure to sunlight. Sunlight, in moderation is usually a mood enhancer

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20021205/unraveling-suns-role-in-depression

Good Luck! :)

novangel
06-30-2014, 12:20 AM
I don't see anything wrong with the way you look. You're obviously hurting on the inside. :hug:

I'm opposite, I can't stand the feeling of clothes on my body it only makes me more aware of my size. Summer clothes are more loose fitting, less coverage, and less bulky which makes me feel smaller. Strange how we're all different.

I won't wear shorts but I live in capris.

NaughtyNibbler
07-02-2014, 03:47 PM
Thank you! I took a long look at myself yesterday in just a bra and underwear - something I usually avoid. I actually thought, "hey, I could wear a bikini and it would look okay."

I'm going to try to find a wardrobe consultant because I used to be SO fashionable and now I just throw on jeans, a long sleeved black tee, and sneakers. That's no way to feel confident and pretty. I gave up and it's time to get back to what I really like. At this point, I need a little bit of help with it.

Try practicing with some pretend online shopping. Go to a site that has frequent sales, like Macy's or Kohn's. If you don't have an account, get one. You can view various clothes, save them to your wish list and/or temporarily place them in your cart. Try to focus on ones that have customer reviews.

You don't have to buy anything. Just practice. Look at some fashionable items that would look good on your body type and hide the areas that bother you. Even large ladies can find short sleeved items they can feel comfortable in.

At some point, when the price and outfit are right, buy something suitable for Summer. If you have a store near you, you can go into the store to return it or ship it back if you don't like what you bought.