Chicks in Control - Journaling My Journey to Overcome Overeating




nostoneunturned
04-24-2014, 12:21 AM
This thread will be used for daily (or so) accountability to keep track of the ups and downs of my journey to lose the excess weight and more so to overcome the evil that is binge eating. Since there's no forum for journals I hope this okay. I'm open to comments or suggestions too.

I have felt trapped in this disorder (if that's what it is, maybe habit is more apt) for many years. I believe it started around the time I was 19 or so. I'd always been pretty heavy (or the heavy side of normal) as a teen but after having my child at 18 I suddenly and inexplicably lost all the baby weight and then some. All the way down from a pregnancy high of 198 (which put my start weight at 160, since I gained 38 pounds during the very long pregnancy) I was down to 130, possible even the high 120's if my memory is not deceiving me. I swear I weighed myself at 127 or 128 at one point. But I didn't even own a scale, I was using a friend's. I wasn't even trying and that was the best part.

After starting school and a new job I gained quite a bit of weight and my binging began in earnest. I had maintained that low weight for like a year so it's doable (once again, not trying, no counting, barely exercising) but the binging seems to do me in. I know it's related to dieting and anxiety but I can't seem to shut it down.

I love the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Fairburn. It's straight forward and offers not only great insights and research, but a detailed plan to follow to overcome the disorder once and for all. The plan actually makes perfect sense- record binge activity as it normally is, then gradually work on framing a regular eating schedule and so forth. It's broken into stages and can move as slow or as fast as you want. I hate very restrictive plans or anything involving excess effort since I am so busy anyway. But this may be worth trying. Dr. Fairburn advocates a no-diet plan since so many bingers/bulimics are triggered by it. Eventually you work into healthier eating habits but in a non-restrictive way.

I wish I could beat this and lose weight all at once! It seems impossible. Every weekend I lose the thread and go way overboard. I start off great and then something sets me off. All I know is, whatever I do, I can't give up. This "disorder"/habit makes me so miserable and it's bringing my whole life down. I have no confidence, and am scared to be in public. I don't want anyone to see me! I feel like I can't build a career or date because I am so self-conscious about my size. I am 5'6" and basically 190 pounds. The most I've been my non-pregnant adult life. I need a change and I need to make it soon.


nostoneunturned
04-24-2014, 12:37 AM
Today was super rough. I had an exam I was dreading and felt like I didn't do well. Then I found out bad news for my career. It seems the hits keep coming. I'm still recovering from the loss of a close friendship/boyfriend, a relationship that was done and over but still makes me sad that I no longer have him to share my life with.

So at first I felt so depressed I couldn't eat. Then I got up and started in on the snacks. An oatmeal bar here, some cheez-its there, then golden grahams.. all junk food. I felt so miserable I didn't care even though I knew I would regret it later. Of course it didn't solve anything. I feel so low in this rut I'm in, I can't even see out over it to the future that awaits. All I do is get through each day, and barely at that. I'm ruminating and it's really bringing me down. All I can do is hope this funk passes soon. Hopefully my antidepressants kick in soon too. I started those last Monday, so it hasn't been too long.. the 14th. Give it a month and we'll see. I think there has been some affect on my appetite but hard to tell since I've felt so depressed lately, too.

I don't know how many calories I ate. It was a lot, that much I know. I won't track for now because it makes me feel too wound up, what I don't need. But I am going to take some healthier steps.

-Lay off the fast food. For awhile I ate it every. single. Weekday. No more. I won't say no completely, maybe once a week at most for now. For financial purposes too.
-Lay off the candy. Once again, not a strict never-never thing, but I'm going to lighten this up quite a bit.
-pre-plan meals for the day. I can make better options this way.

That's really it for now. I'll do this for a week and see how it goes. I hate feeling like I'm throwing things around, hoping something will stick, since I've been spinning my wheels trying different things. But something has to give, I need to improve my health and my LIFE. This may be a start.

Wannabeskinny
04-24-2014, 08:35 AM
Hi and welcome. I've never read Overcoming Binge Eating but it sounds like an interesting read. There is a book called Overcoming Overeating which I thought you were referring to in the title of your thread and that's one of the books that's helping me overcome my eating disorder. I don't follow a diet either so you may want to look into OO and check out some of the other anti-diet threads that dealing with Intuitive Eating. There is support on the forum for those of us who are triggered into binge eating at the mere thought of restriction.

I've only been practicing intuitive eating since February but I have found that even in the beginning stages of letting go of the diet-mentality my binges have decreased dramatically. I've only lost about 4-5lbs so far, but my main goal is to stop binging when I'm stressed out. And since that's working out I have no doubt that eventually the weight will start dropping. But I had to come to a realization that I've got to get my binging under control first because dieting was making me gain weight.


nostoneunturned
04-24-2014, 12:28 PM
I have read your posts before and am intrigued by your journey. I think we all want freedom from the binge trap but it's too easy to get caught up in wanting weight loss, and fast. I need to remind myself it's ok to take my time and just let it happen however long it takes.

I am really focusing on quitting the binge habits over any numbers kind of tracking. Yet I don't want to go crazy which sometimes happens with zero tracking. For today I ate two oatmeal bars which filled me up fine (probably still full from yesterday but whatever). For lunch I will have soup or a cup of noodles. Eventually I will move away from processed stuff but portion control and pre planning is what I need to do for now.

Mongoose
04-24-2014, 12:46 PM
It's so true that you need to be non-restrictive in order to overcome binge eating. I haven't binged for a few years now but I used to have the mentality of, "Since I had 3000 calories yesterday, I can't go above 1000 today." That never worked. It only started to get better when I treated the next day as just another day to eat healthy, as if the binge didn't happen. I'm still not perfect around food, but currently if I eat something I shouldn't have, it's not a trigger to keep eating. It really does require a change of mentality and learning to relax and be a bit more lenient with yourself. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

nostoneunturned
04-24-2014, 07:10 PM
Wow Mongoose that is AWESOME :) I can't remember the last time I was binge-free for more than a couple months. I'd be so thrilled to be where you are at!!

Mongoose is right about the calorie triggers too. Whenever I've counted points or calories (especially lately) and gone over my set limit, even by 100 or whatever, I use that as an excuse to say, "Well, I've done it in for today. Might as well start again tomorrow."

Don't we all say that? But really, "tomorrow is the today you promised yourself yesterday." I read that quote somewhere last year and it's always stuck with me although I've not exactly heeded it. Calorie, points, restriction of certain foods...it all leads to trouble for me. And so much of it is a mental thing, because I know I can't possibly be hungry after eating a 1200 calorie fast food meal yet I always want to have dessert.

Speaking of which. In the interest of full disclosure (and accountability) I ate fast food for lunch today, Arby's. I had the Turkey Club which isn't too bad health wise as far as fast food goes (and I scrubbed much of the mayo off) but I did have mozzarella sticks with it. Then chased it with a box of Mike & Ikes, because...I can, I guess. I had fully intended to eat my noodle cup, I wasn't even physically hungry but there we go, with the psychological battle stuff. A normal person probably would have skipped lunch altogether feeling how I did physically. I just get so cooped up and bored and anxious sitting at a desk all day (I work two days per week, school on the others) and I just needed to get out, and my habit has been to grab some fast food.

At first I was like wow, I can't even stick to a simple, flexible plan for ONE day. But then I considered the way I felt and what led me to make the choice I did. I feel apprehensive beginning a new plan, even though it's not a restrictive diet, I feel the need to indulge in goodies before "I can't." Yes, the old diet mentality/last supper thinking. I felt my resolve renew after a deep breath and a moment of thought.

My mind is exactly what I need to change, so that the changes to my body will inevitably follow. Where I need to be is in a place of wanting to eat healthy foods because they are good for me and make me feel better, rather than a need to eat them so I can lose weight. There's an excellent post in the Maintenance forum, a sticky called "Relapse." One poster talked about her 20 year struggle and eventual change of life that enabled her to enjoy healthful foods and leave the garbage behind without missing it at all. When I read that hope swelled up inside me. I can do this. If another junk food junkie like myself, at about my same start weight and age, can change her life around to loving healthy foods and losing weight (to my exact dream weight no less) I can too!

After work I considered grabbing pizza since I'm "starting tomorrow." But I almost physically felt a change pass over me. I told myself no, it's not going to be like that. This is for me, and for my health. Not about some diet and quickie weight loss plan. The urge passed rather quickly. I've so rarely been able to talk myself out of a "last supper" like that, it happens once a week or so and I almost always grab whatever it is. BUT NOT TONIGHT! Instead I made a list of foods that are fairly/very healthy and I enjoy. I'll start with those and build my meal plans around them. Planning ahead is a MUST, I know. Otherwise I resort to fast food and other quick garbage. Tonight I ate a bowl of dry cereal (need to grocery shop this weekend, so finishing odds and ends. It was Life so not horrible but a large portion) and some leftover Easter candy (no excuse, my daughter was sharing which was sweet. There wasn't very much though!) This is it. I am DOING THIS. My health and well being depends on it.

nostoneunturned
04-25-2014, 09:58 PM
Today was really easy. I wasn't hungry at all. I don't know if it's the Wellbutrin or what exactly. The only time I had an urge, it was for a fast food lunch (since I've been doing that so often) but I went shopping instead, LOL. I had an oatmeal bar for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly for lunch (yay! I packed it ahead of time), and Subway for dinner, turkey with no dressing. Which is still kind of fast foody but WAY better than my usual choices. And I got my hair cut nicely, so that feels really good. It's several inches shorter and feels light and springy. Hopefully tomorrow will go well, weekends are always the battle for me. If I stick to my basics I can get through it.

nostoneunturned
04-27-2014, 10:48 AM
Wow! I feel good. I feel like I'm in a groove, not wanting junk food at all. I know there will be moments. Yesterday I spent doing major spring cleaning, for 6 hours. And still not done LOL. I stuck to my planned meals for breakfast and lunch. Then I went to my mom's. She offered to order us pizza but I said I'd grab Subway since my daughter likes that better anyway. Even if we would had pizza I planned on having 2 slices and stopping there. It would be interesting to see if I actually would have, but I feel like I can :) !

I feel better emotionally too, it's been pretty nice out and I love that my house is getting cleaner and school is nearing it's end. Sometimes I dwell on the end of my relationship but that's getting better too. You never know what happens in life and I feel more excited for it.

nostoneunturned
04-27-2014, 11:12 PM
This weekend was the easiest weekend ever! I ate the same things every day, same breakfast, lunch and dinner even and did not go crazy. Didn't even want to. I felt filled and satisfied and not constrained a bit. It was amazing! I feel like it's a breakthrough but it remains to be seen how this goes overall. I have a good feeling though. I will weigh myself sometime in the next week or so, not in a rush since that can trigger me to binge if it's not quite the number I hope for.

nostoneunturned
04-28-2014, 03:08 PM
Yuck! I have a mouse in my house :dizzy: If there's anything it's good for it's an appetite suppressant LOL. I made my PBJ sandwich for dinner with a cup of unsweetened applesauce, and took two bites of the sandwich, and that's it. I'm pretty terrified of pests, actually insects bother me more than a mouse (I'm assuming there's only one, since there's minimal, er, evidence). Still it grosses me out to think of it crawling on our food packages and stuff. I cleaned thoroughly and set out a bunch of traps, more than necessary maybe. One of the sticky ones caught someone last night.. but he/she got away! There was just some fur and scratches and half the glue was gone. (Now I feel kind of bad for the little guy, but he sure is tenacious. Chewed up my blender cord too.. which means war.)

Anyway. So my appetite isn't the greatest. I haven't been feeling pb since it's my bait of choice, LOL. Today I had my usual breakfast and since it is chilly I had some hot noodles for lunch with a pear. I'm not sure what's for dinner. I can barely imagine eating in my apartment at this point.

I can't believe how much my appetite is reduced from not eating so much junk, and eating at regular times. For instance I used to eat tons of junk in the evening. That was a big binge time if I ate "healthy/good" during the day and was counting points or whatnot. After a stressful, restrained day I might eat multiple servings of some dessert, a bunch of chips or crackers, then another sweet. Then I'd figure that I used all my extra points before my week was up so I'd just say to heck with it and eat anything and everything, maybe make a gas station run for more junk.

I have struggled so hard to resist that urge once it comes. I've read so many books -Intuitive Eating, Brain Over Binge, Kessler's book, etc.- and toyed with different things here and there. I wanted to quit binging but ALWAYS the primary goal was to lose weight, first and foremost, so there was always a little element of restrain even in the back of my mind.

I've become accustomed to mentally calculating calories all the time since I know the counts to so many things. The nice thing about eating basically the same stuff everyday is that my calories never change so I don't ever "have" to calculate it or even think about it. It's just...negligible. Food selection/calories have lost importance in my day to day being. We'll see how I hold up over finals in two weeks! And when I move in June! There are many hurdles to come but I'm plowing ahead. The sensation of not being a slave to food, for now, feels just incredible.

angie828
04-28-2014, 03:48 PM
I have never journaled but I would think that it would be quite helpful. I should try this as sometimes it would be helpful to do so you did not overeat.

Mrs Snark
04-28-2014, 04:12 PM
This weekend was the easiest weekend ever! I ate the same things every day, same breakfast, lunch and dinner even and did not go crazy. Didn't even want to. I felt filled and satisfied and not constrained a bit. It was amazing! I feel like it's a breakthrough but it remains to be seen how this goes overall. I have a good feeling though. I will weigh myself sometime in the next week or so, not in a rush since that can trigger me to binge if it's not quite the number I hope for.

:carrot: Yay you! :carrot:

nostoneunturned
04-28-2014, 11:11 PM
I have never journaled but I would think that it would be quite helpful. I should try this as sometimes it would be helpful to do so you did not overeat.

Angie I definitely recommend it! I've always liked to journal since writing is a de-stressor for me. But this is even better since there's the "public" forum aspect of accountability. If I eat something I'm going to write about it and it will remain here for the ages, LOL. To know that I'm going to put it out there just makes all the more difference to me what I put in my mouth. I don't want to write about binge after binge. I guess that's why some blog but I have neither the time nor the talent to set one up!

And a Big Thank You Mrs. Snark :D

Once again I made it through the day without a binge or any fast food or any sweets! YES. I am feeling like I'm on fire, despite life stress. I am doing this!

nostoneunturned
04-29-2014, 11:58 PM
Ok today I did have fast food. I wasn't home for dinner, and was running around out and about, so we stopped at McDonalds. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and a small diet coke. The sandwich was filling and pretty good. I scraped off most of the mayo since they put way too much on anyway. It's not health food but not a bad choice. I ate my planned breakfast and lunch so it was a good day.

I did notice I was getting some strong craving pangs in the afternoon, for junky stuff, for the first time since beginning this plan. I ran errands after eating my lunch in the office and drove by an Italian place which smelled yummy. As the day wore on I grew physically hungry and thought about Italian or candy. Instead I decided to compromise and to get fast food, but make a reasonable choice. And that's what I did :)

I'm worried the cravings will only get stronger. I have to be consistent and remain committed to my plan. I know a little fast food or candy here and there can't kill me but these things can not be regular parts of my diet, maybe more like once every couple of weeks. The cravings today likely stemmed from physical hunger since I ate my lunch pretty early (11:00 instead of noon). Still I will be diligent to not let myself fall back into the bad habits of my (still very recent) past.

nostoneunturned
05-01-2014, 12:09 AM
Another good day! No binges/no fast foods/no treats. I didn't have those cravings I had yesterday thankfully. I parked extra far so I walked double what I normally do. It was kind of drizzly and chilly but I managed it! My legs are kind of sore but in a good way.

Today I wondered how long it would take to see results. I mean the important thing is not binging so I'm taking it day by day, of course, not going crazy for changes or anything. Yet I'd love for my pants to fit well and to be able to slip into some others that have been too tight. I am making no effort to track calories but have a general idea (since I eat basically the same thing daily). It seems like there should be weight loss happening and I know it will but I'm feeling impatient today LOL. I'm excited to get to 175 or so because at that point I will know I have lost about one quarter of my weight to lose (15 pounds). 160 is the half way point, and 145 puts me 3/4ths of the way. I do understand it may take a long time. The most important thing is my commitment to eating well and being healthy. Not under-eating to reach a goal, and of course no more binging! I keep reminding myself this is for the long haul: this is for life. And binging has no place in my life. This first week has proven I can definitely avoid it!!!

nostoneunturned
05-01-2014, 11:38 AM
Ugh my stomach is so achy today. I feel as though I just had a binge but I haven't, I'm just super bloated and my jeans are Very tight. :( Hopefully this will pass quickly.

Mrs Snark
05-01-2014, 12:22 PM
Ugh my stomach is so achy today. I feel as though I just had a binge but I haven't, I'm just super bloated and my jeans are Very tight. :( Hopefully this will pass quickly.

Don't let Lady Bloat (as I call it) get you down. It's just a wonderful part of being a woman. It will pass! :)

nostoneunturned
05-01-2014, 08:21 PM
Don't let Lady Bloat (as I call it) get you down. It's just a wonderful part of being a woman. It will pass!

Urghgh LOL It's just so frustrating!! I know my pants should not be tight like this, really. I am not overeating AT ALL. In fact I am eating better than I have in a really long time. I know I'm being extra grumpy and feeling entitled today :).

Despite this I still have managed to not stray. One weird thing I find helps keep me in line is staying away from celeb gossip or news. See I have a horrible secret compulsion to read trashy gossip rags. BUt pictures of thin, glamorous stars does a bad number to me that I never recognized until recently. So I've forced myself to take a break and I actually do feel better, maybe I'm not comparing myself to others as much? It's surprising how much glossy often airbrushed photos of women who are probably underweight can affect the way we feel about ourselves and how we think we should look versus reality. I also want to keep my daughter away from these images because I really think they twisted my idea as a preteen/teen of what it means to look beautiful and be a worthy person (even though looks should not at all correlate to self-worth.. it's strange how media can tie the two so tightly together).

nostoneunturned
05-02-2014, 09:00 PM
Today I had a dreaded quiz and it went well! Afterwards I left campus to run errands and for lunch because I don't like the microwaves (they are old and take twice as long to cook things). Plus...I just felt like having something special, nothing obscene, so I went to Dairy Queen and had the lunch special: $5 for cheeseburger, fries, drink and sundae. I ate half the sundae and had a diet drink, and though the burger and fries aren't low cal it wasn't something that made me feel overstuffed or horrible. Actually I rather enjoyed it :)

For dinner I did kind of...Ok, I want to say bad, but that's not the right word! It wasn't the best choice. I was a tiny bit hungry for something very specific (garlic breadsticks) so my daughter and I got an order from a local place. SHe LOVES them. I ate two. The rest are still here, but are not at all calling to me. Normally in the past I'd think, might as well, it won't hurt to have a few more. But the thing is, I am not physically hungry, neither was my daughter, so we stopped and several remained. We put them away where they will be when one of us does get hungry. CRAZY. I could NEVER do this before. I feel like the "all or nothing" thinking has lifted a bit (like I didn't finish the sundae although I was tempted). Wow I don't know that this is the path to freedom yet, but it feels like I'm heading in the right direction DESPITE challenges that used to trip me up.

Another thing. This morning there was a special get-together for moms at my daughter's school. They served pastries and milk and juice. On diets it was hard to attend these types of things because it's like, this is nice but it totally throws off my eating. But since I am not dieting it is no big deal! This morning I ate my muffin (they're just the little ones, cute) and it was like a lightbulb moment - "OH! This is OKAY. I can enjoy this without anxiety." So great. Having that freedom appears to wipe away my binge cravings! I mean today I did not eat "my usual" bfast and lunch and it was OKAY. I don't feel guilty or sad or anxious, I feel content and excited and FREE and NORMAL. Yes!!!! Everyday this gets better and better. (If only all things in life felt this way! Finals are coming soon.. and I will face my first life stress challenge to eating well and not binging something finals always drive me to! It's only been a week, I'm not calling "cured!" or anything but I like where I am heading, big picture)

nostoneunturned
05-02-2014, 09:05 PM
Side note: Oh my God I know how crazy this reads- I am a complete fast food addict! But it's getting better. Previously I was eating out almost every day, sometimes twice per day, and it is killer on the budget. So I am cognizant of my follies and a work in progress! :)

Mrs Snark
05-02-2014, 09:32 PM
No, it doesn't sound crazy. It actually sounds like a totally normal life. So don't worry when there is no need to worry. And really, you seem to be doing just fantastic, so go with it and enjoy it!

nostoneunturned
05-05-2014, 10:52 AM
[QUOTE]so go with it and enjoy it! [QUOTE]

I took this very literally :)

It was a super busy weekend. I deep-deep cleaned my kitchen on Saturday morning and did some pre-moving packing then my sister came over. We went out and had a great time! I ate my usual bfast and lunch then we went to a buffet style place. I ate some good stuff, nutrient- and taste- wise (and even sprung for some veggies! Cooked broccoli and carrots. To balance out the yummy dessert).

Yesterday I went to my mom's which I've always considered a danger zone. I helped her sort through some things and we visited. I ate junk food but just shrugged it off. It's part of life, I decided, and I am not going to dread going to anyone's house -especially my own mother's- just because I might face some Cheetos. Honestly I probably ate more than was comfortable since I ended up not feeling physically the best but it's just one day of many. I went to bed last night not hating myself or feeling regretful about what I ate- instead I felt grateful for my awesome family and happy that the weekend was so pleasant and fun despite the stress of the past couple of weeks. What a terrific feeling! And whenever thoughts of diet crept into my mind, I told myself, it's the totality of everything that will count. Today I started off with my usual bfast and will have my usual lunch, and I look forward to these things. It's becoming a habit. Another great thing! I don't want to continue to junk out.

nostoneunturned
05-06-2014, 08:28 PM
I feel pretty depressed today. No reason for it, really, since it's beautiful out and nothing terrible is going on. I just feel weirdly out of sync with the world.

Going back to Sunday, today I keep thinking about what I ate at my mom's. The thing about that is bothering me, is that I felt like I couldn't stop until I had "cleaned the plate" so to speak. I have had kind of an ongoing headache so that affected what and how much I wanted to eat too. I think for breakfast I had like a little chex mix individual bag with a string cheese. Then for lunch I had two chicken softshells. Not healthy stuff, but nothing overboard. At my mom's...something there drives me to eat unhealthily. It's an ingrained habit. I had no notion or plan to eat crap at her house. But right away I had a few pieces of leftover easter candy. She had two huge dishes there and I thought well I *can* have some, no need to restrict. So I kept grabbing pieces here and there. Then my daughter grabbed a chip container and we all started eating chips and Cheetos (my favorite). I ate way too many Cheetos, finishing the bag.

When I got home later my headache still lingered so I ate a couple bags of baked chips with my headache med. For some reason I felt the need to also eat some stray candy (tootsie rolls and a sucker).

I just want to, somewhere, unpack what went on there because the point of all this is to work through binge issues. Was what I did Sunday considered a binge? By volume, no. I felt somewhat out of control though. I didn't want to stop once I started with the Cheetos. The timing was fairly stretched out, throughout the evening, so it wasn't a frenzy or anything. I'm not mad at what I ate, but I feel frustrated now that I allowed myself so much more than I needed. I wasn't even hungry! All I can do is continue to work towards improving this behavior. I know eating processed foods are not helping my case and are likely leading me to desiring more and more of that type of food. I should be eating more whole foods.

Yesterday I ate McDonalds for lunch. I had that stupid headache (unrelated to food I think, since they come on and off pretty frequently no matter what I eat) and wanted something fatty. I just ate a burger with no side, but also a regular Coke. Honestly, I shouldn't but I can't help but mentally track calories and I know I ate around 1500 or so yesterday. Today I've had about 1200. I bet if I ate more whole foods I wouldn't be so closely tracking it.

Anyway just some thoughts. I'm tired and have a project for school to work on (sigh). I feel lonely lately, missing my ex a bit. I have no desire to reach out to him but I more think about if he misses me too, and if I will ever meet someone who is a good match for me. I feel doubtful and pessimistic, about r-ship things but also generally. Well the weekend will be here soon enough. And summer :)

Mrs Snark
05-07-2014, 12:21 AM
Sending you hugs. We all have down days.

nostoneunturned
05-07-2014, 07:32 PM
Thanks for the support and encouragement Mrs. Snark (by the way, your journey is very inspiring. I've checked out your blog and you look ah-mazing!) :)

Today I wasn't feeling any fast food, so yay! I wasn't really hungry much at all so I haven't eaten much..like 800 calories or so. I will probably eat more later if I get hungry but right now I feel content. I'm actually surprised at that mental calorie calculation I just did, I wasn't really thinking about food today and it's strange I'm not more hungry I guess? Well I certainly don't endorse starvation level or VLC diets, but I also don't endorse eating if you are not really truly hungry. That is one nasty little habit to get out of.

OOOoooo exciting NSV occurred today! I haven't stepped on the scale yet since if it's like 180 or more my whole life will be thrown off (not really but I take it kind of hard, I'm so sick of that big ole 1-8 in the front). But I may soon, since I put on a pair of jeans that were not fitting at all previously! The size in my opinion doesn't matter, they are all so different anyway but I was thrilled to squeeze back into them. Yes, squeeze- they are too tight to wear out (I can barely lift either leg for one thing, so walking is a problem LOL) but I got them on AND buttoned!! OMG that was an exciting moment in my day for sure. Also my mom told me last night she thought I looked as if I had lost weight when she saw me Sunday (I said "THANKS! ..But you really should have told me then, I probably wouldn't have gone ahead and eaten a bag of Cheetos." Hehe.)

maddierep
05-08-2014, 06:37 AM
that is a milestone!

(and i speak from the heart. My very first minigoal is to be able to get into and button these aspirational jeans i have. still have quite a way to go there)

so good on you

Pattience
05-08-2014, 08:42 AM
If you get hungry when you are out and about you should eat. But really you should never eat junk food. Are there really no better options in your town than places that sell junk food?

if you don't eat when you are hungry like that, it will just intensify and by the time you are able to eat, you may not be able to control yourself.

Also when a craving for sugar turns up in those sorts of situations, its nearly always about being hungry and need more fuel in the body. But it can also be thirst and sometimes tiredness. So check those possibilities too.

I've been effectively sugar free for over four months now. Its wonderful. I'm coming back in a sec cause i want to read your second page before continuing.

so now i've read your second page. I have a history of binging too. I'm not so much a junk food eater for meals - like mcdonalds and sub=way and so on and most of the food products you are talking about i've never heard of. They probably don't exist in Australia. But when i am in binge mode, i will just eat more and more and more of anything sweet but the occasional battered fish, sushi from sushi train (which i now consider junk food) and so on. Strawberry milkshakes being a special weakness.

Anyway, i haven't the books you mention but i've been at this a long time with therapy for depression and dieting and fitness and so on. I lost weight many times. I always put it back on and one thing that makes it all go pear shaped really quickly for me is how i eat sugar foods when i feel bad and then how i just start eating more and more of it. And less and less vegetables. And how everything gets completely out of whack. Its a vicious circle.

So with that in mind, and how well my diets have always gone when i am still on them, is that it is so important to improve the quality of the food you eat. All the junk food things have strong flavours in them. These keep you addicted to them. When you can switch to less intense flavours which are typical of foods that are more nutritious you discover a whole world of flavours. and its important because when you lack nutrition from a junk food diet, even if you are not binging, your body is not adequately nourished and this will contribute to your binging tendencies. Its not me making this up. Scientists in the field will say this. I don't know how those other books talked about food and nutrition but in the Don't Go hungry diet book she talks about nutrition a lot. But she also has some other important concepts which may not be dealt with in those books you've read. So while some of it may be familiar to you like the business about learning to recognise when you've had enough to eat, other things will be new. and if you could read the French women don't get fat book and have a go at her approach to food, which is the french approach basically, you will see how wonderful food can become. Most diet books don't focus much on the culture and pleasures of good food. the french book does. It may motivate you to move away from junk food.

I also think that those few days you had when you ate a sundae and felt ok. For me, i found that those sort of situations were not ok in the end. Gradually a little bit starts to become a bit more and then a bit more still. And if stress turns up, all your previous restraint will go out the window. So i would strongly recommend staying away from the foods you tend to binge on. I find having strict rules like banning them really does help me a lot. Its not for ever. But my rules around them are forever. I takes a long while to change foods habits. And it takes even longer for new practices to become habits.

I would suggest not avoiding events because of food but either eat before you go or take your own food with you. And when you are there, try to ignore the food completely. And if its ok, ask them to put the food away if its not being eaten - you know if its just sitting there tempting you. i've done that. People really don't mind.

I want you to succeed because i know how miserable being a binger is. It really has deep effects on your life. And its not easy to quit being a binger. But i think moderation doesn't work for bingers, especially not in the early stages.

Can i suggest when you have your exams, make sure you have plenty of good nutritious food around you and available. When things are difficult, you will probably want to eat. Eat more at meal times but good stuff. Its only for a short while. And get plenty of sleep. lack of sleep makes it all worse.

nostoneunturned
05-08-2014, 11:56 PM
Thanks so much maddierep!! :) It's quite a feeling. I have a ways to go too overall but getting those jeans all the way up was like, wow I'm getting close to that first tiny goal!

And now Pattience :) First thanks for taking the time to write and offer your thoughts.
Are there really no better options in your town than places that sell junk food?

There are, I guess. I mean I could get salads, etc. I sadly just prefer the junk food right now.

if you don't eat when you are hungry like that, it will just intensify and by the time you are able to eat, you may not be able to control yourself.

Hmm. I don't get super hungry very much at all, so I'm not quite sure what this was in reference too. I don't mind a hunger pang here and there, but I know not to like starve myself all morning and afternoon and then binge all night.
So with that in mind, and how well my diets have always gone when i am still on them, is that it is so important to improve the quality of the food you eat.

Word. This I agree with so, so much.

I also think that those few days you had when you ate a sundae and felt ok. For me, i found that those sort of situations were not ok in the end. Gradually a little bit starts to become a bit more and then a bit more still.

See it's how I always was. The thing with my binging is- and I know everyone's different- I get anxious and am more apt to binge if I try to tell myself something is off the table. I tried restricting candy/sweets in March, and it was "fine" for 2-3 weeks, but the mental craving got stronger the longer time went on. Could I have kept it up, maybe, but for me it really seems the end result will likely be a massive binge at some point no matter what, with the idea that tomorrow is a new day to "start over."

And, I don't want to do that anymore, I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want my eating to revolve around push-pull battles and do-overs and constant calculations and risk analysis, anymore. I want simply to eat reasonably and feel great! So my focus now is to STOP the binges, for good, or as close to "for good" as I am able. And in my life, for now, that means I am allowing anything to come in with sort of a general guideline, you eat this bfast, this lunch and then have a bit more relaxed but yet reasonable dinner. And it's working! Mentally I feel less bingey than I have, since, I can really remember. But then I'd been tightly restricting for months on end, one way or another. If I wasn't I felt like I was off the deep end, but temporarily...because I'd know tomorrow the new "diet" would begin. Total binge-restrict cycle, just never ending, and the result: each re-gain would be more and more each time...

I've been following Overcoming Binge Eating, by Dr. Fairburn, as my guide - my "bible" for this, if you will. He recommends to start (besides food journaling) eating at set times, daily, and not restricting. Because his research and many others indicate there is a very strong correlation between restrictive dieting behaviors and binge eating. So restricting has to go. You're really not supposed to count calories either, but I do anyways, since mentally I know all these calorie counts and can't turn that off, LOL. I need to work on that, as well as working slowly into better food choices. But I am giving it time to work and a little leeway and a lot of self love. I have to trust myself, a great deal, to make the right choices and not mistreat myself as I have for years. I also need to move away from thinking of junk as a deserved prize but rather something that harms me in many ways. But that, as I said, is in time.

I really, truly appreciate your advice and take your suggestions to heart. I am very impressed with your ongoing success- it's amazing that you have been able to free your life of foods that you know can do you no good! Someday, I will be at that point. You and others here inspire me and I love taking time to read and reread old posts all over the forums, in maintenance, and support, and goals. What is so cool here is that everyone has found or is finding kind of their own path, it's so individual for everyone- I could NEVER do Medifast, for example, but if that is what works for some, GREAT!! There is so much support and hope here, more than any other forum I've seen for WL. I may be tinkering a bit in the dark but am not totally blind; I have a map now, and my internal compass appears to be pointing in the right direction. Where I end up, we shall see. If it's all wrong I can simply refigure, and keep going. That's the best thing we can do, is never give up!

nostoneunturned
05-09-2014, 12:11 AM
I should add I feel great about today/this week, no binge urges despite incredible stress!! I have been a bit depressed, finals are coming next week, I even have tests Friday already AND a presentation which I Dread (capital D intentional), aghghgh (LOL)... YET!! I am feeling completely and utterly non-bingey :) The weekend should be interesting. Let's see how I face the challenge presented there..

Pinkhippie
05-09-2014, 12:29 AM
I think you are doing great! Family always brings out weird want to eat when Im not hungry tendencies in me too. And I am absolutely the same way about restriction. If I even HINT to myself that I can't have something it will trigger not a binge exactly but I suddenly have to have copious amounts of it. In my own personal journey I needed to just let myself have sugary treats and not tell myself that it would lead to me wanting more and more food because that would just set me up to go along with it. Oh I had sugar, now Im going to be uncontrollably hungry and crave sweets. I stopped thinking like that and therefore stopped expecting it and doing it. If that makes any sense. After I let myself have sugary stuff for quite a while, eventually I started eating less of them, and now when I have them they give me a sugar headache and so I choose not to have them most of the time out of my own motivation and inner reasons, not external ones like "sugar is bad".

Anyway, I think you are doing awesome! Have you read Thinside out? I thought about that book as I read your journey so far. It talks a lot about not restricting and noticing what effect food has on your body. I recommend it. :)

Pattience
05-09-2014, 04:18 AM
I hear you. Yes you can reconfigure if and when you need to and i do find that one's diet evolves as you go along. I always do that too. My food quality although i thought it started off pretty good, has improved enormously since then. And now i'm really enjoying cooking which at the beginning i was just doing whatever was quick and easy.

I hope you don't mind but i want to reply to a few things you said just for clarification. I don't ask or expect you to suddenly change your approach and do what i do. I just want to say this because i think if you can understand this about binging too, it will also help now and in the long run.

first it sounds like you are doing the Intuitive Eating approach effectively. I think the IE approach is about not restricting, but restricting means, cutting calories basically. I wasn't suggesting you cut calories, only avoid certain foods. There are two types of restricting, one i call avoiding or even eliminating, the other restricting. Just to try to make that clearer. So my suggestion to you wasn't to reduce calories at this point. In fact i strongly advise when starting out, if you have trouble with controlling cravings and what you eat is not the best sorts of food, then eating normal amounts is a good way to go. However, in the long term, i think you will want to restrict calories too if you decide you want to weigh less. I don't think you can get to a skinny weight by IE. I say that because i note the author of the book, the don't go hungry diet, hasn't go that skinny even though she lost a lot of weight and has kept it off for a long time.

So i was only suggesting avoiding certain types of foods. I know that for most IE eaters and even also in the The Don't Go Hungry Diet, she advocates eating whatever you want and not avoiding. I guess avoidance is a very personal choice. But i find it really really helpful. I find it easier to avoid than to stop myself eating more even though i've physically eaten enough food.

Reasons why you may want to binge with anxiety is the anxiety itself. To stop the cravings when you are suffering from anxiety, you probably need to address the anxiety as well as follow those foods rules. This time, on my diet, there was one period when i wanted to binge. But interestingly, i don't think i was craving ice-cream or chocolate or anything particular, just food. and i think that is because i had stopped eating sweet foods. I just wanted food. But i told myself i can binge on carrots even though i didn't find the idea appealing at all. And if i could have a glass of wine, then i could go to sleep and it would be all right. In fact, after i'd spoken to a phone councillor and broke open of my father's bottles of wine for a glass i was ok and able to go to sleep. I had had a whole big carrot prior to that and it wasn't working. I was tired but couldn't sleep and wanted to go to sleep. I sometimes find i get hungry late at night if i'm up and so i try to go to bed earlier. But i was having stress and it all came together to make me want to eat even though i didn't need food.

so anyway, address your anxiety when it comes up. Try to understand what's triggering it and find someone, a counsellor preferably to talk it all through with as soon as you can. I find that with doing this, i can get on top of it quite quickly.

In the last month i've been procrastinating about my work. And i knew that if i didn't resolve it, i would see my little business that i do want to succeed go down the toilet really quickly and i would get depressed and have more money problems and so on, not to mention some humiliation because everyone i know knows what i'm doing. Finally after a month, i made an appt to see my psychologist who i saw last year. I had such a great session the day before yesterday and came up with a solution on the drive home and found i could get back to work straight away. Because i hadn't been working well with my business, when i did go to the markets, i wasn't organised and this caused me anxiety and i felt like i was failing all the time. And i forgot to take my bags to the market. I would feel like a failure if someone tried a dress on and it didn't fit or they didn't like it. And i just felt really off. I never get panic attacks but my confidence when talking to real people I don't know well, goes down the tube. I was spending more and more time messing about on the computer and not even thinking about my work. So my computer addiction was in full swing and that makes me feel bad too. I could see where this was all heading and decided to take action. In the end, my solution was to go up to my workroom by a certain time and stay there until 4pm. Instead of coming back for lunch or coffee breaks as i used to do, when i would get on the computer, i would take my lunch and coffee to the workroom and take all my breaks up there. Basically stay away from the building with the computer in it. But it was a bit of a process to come to that decision. My psychologist pointed out that what i already knew about myself that i'm an all or nothing person. And so after i went to check out my other option to cure me of my computer addiction which was to look into finding a work space in town for which i'd have to pay about $150 - $200 each week. When i realised how stupid it would be to pay that much when i had a perfectly perfect workspace at home for nothing, it became clear that i had find an alternative. And that's when i decided to ban myself to the workroom for most of the day . I bet you didn't want to know all that. Anyway my point is that talking to some one really helps shift things along.

But when you have these mood issues going on, your appetite for carbs increases and if you are prone to binging, you will want to do that more too. So part of my diet has been to address mental health issues as fast as possible. I know it seems dumb that i just said that, given it took me a month to decide to see the psychologist but i guess that was as fast as possible for me. However, i would say that where i am up to at the moment with my diet, i've been so firm on what i'm eating for over four months, and i've worked really hard on my resolve to avoid certain foods and am feeling very committed to the way i've chosen to eat that i am not going to let my mental health issues cause me to fail. I will find someone to talk to and find solutions to my problems rather than go back to past situations like being overweight. In the past i've tried moderation and was unable to make it work.

So that's my story. And now i will let you get on with it as you see fit. Best wishes.

nostoneunturned
05-09-2014, 08:49 AM
After I let myself have sugary stuff for quite a while, eventually I started eating less of them, and now when I have them they give me a sugar headache and so I choose not to have them most of the time out of my own motivation and inner reasons, not external ones like "sugar is bad".


YES. I find if it's something I think of as, well I can eat it whenever, no big deal, I can really start to shrug it off and walk away. And I do find that I want it less and less. I've lost weight without dieting or counting before and at that time nothing was forbidden. The times I've usually been driven to obsession and binging is in response to a restrictive plan.

And thank you Pinkhippie! I feel really good, too, which is the best part. I really feel like I can do this! The book suggestion sounds good to since I am moving away from restrictive plans.

nostoneunturned
05-09-2014, 08:56 AM
Thanks for the continued thoughts Pattience. Your feedback is giving me great food for thought.

I don't think you can get to a skinny weight by IE.

YES. I have never been able to make IE work for me, and I have tried. The problem may in part be that I am so conscientious of calorie counts that I almost can't help but track roughly what I am eating. But whenever I've done IE the result has always been a gain. I can't remember who said it but someone here talked about how they would intuitively eat an entire box of cookies and whatever. LOL. That is me. It's supposed to be based on hunger cues and what not but I've read the books (Intuitive Eating, and Geneen's) and I always think the part about letting go and eating whatever...well, I don't foresee myself ever getting sick of all cookies and candies, I would just rotate to a new junky treat. Maybe that isn't quite the take away I should be getting from the plan, but truly I must have some structure in order to lose.

Anyway there's more I'd like to add but I need to run. Busy day ;)

nostoneunturned
05-09-2014, 02:21 PM
OMG so this is not really binge related but it is body image/weight related so I have to write about this thing that just happened. I went to the mall because I had a break between classes, was bored, whatever, and as I was nearing an "intersection"/corner I saw an ex-BF (not the recent one, but one I dated two years ago while recent one and I were on a break). I ABSOLTELY hate running into people I know since I've gained weight especially, but an ex-BF of all things! Luckily, I do not think he saw me since I was able to kind of duck over behind a jewelry store sign and acted like I was checking out the window LOL. Yikes...when I dated him I was 155 at most. So 30 some pounds ago. I just die at the thought of running into exes when I feel so awful about myself, I mean I was just thinking earlier how much I looked like a bowling ball when I saw my reflection. I sometimes think I'm skinnier than I really am sadly, but when I see myself unexpectedly I kind of freak. I try to tell myself that while I am a work in progress, I am perfectly fine as I am anyways, and I NEED to go easier on myself. But that is a work in progress as well I guess! Well, whew, at least I narrowly dodged that bullet!!! Back to class now!

nostoneunturned
05-09-2014, 07:14 PM
Still no binges the last couple of days. My plan has been going great. I'm really happy about this since there was a lot of stress about today (2 tests, and a presentation- I have complete anxiety about public speaking). I feel so relieved and relaxed. Even a little bored but the good news for me is I am not even slightly tempted to reach for candy or junk. I feel like I am in the game mode and hope to stay there!

I am thinking about weighing myself. I'm not quite ready yet though. I'm afraid of that 180 mark, I really, really want to be underneath it and if I'm not I fear it will drive me to binge. So I am waiting until I can tell for certain I am in the 170s. This morning my waist looked quite thin - that is where I notice weight loss first, typically. Like I said I still thought I looked quite large when I caught my reflection in a glass door but I know these changes take time and patience. And the not binging, oh my Goodness. I am beyond thrilled I have been able to remain binge free for two weeks now. (The day at my mom's was not a true binge for my standards.) If I do of course I will report it here, but I remain confident that it won't be happening anytime soon since I am on such a roll! It feels good to be free! So whenever I feel bad about my appearance, I quickly remind myself of that huge hurdle I am crossing- and well :)

Pinkhippie
05-09-2014, 09:22 PM
OMG so this is not really binge related but it is body image/weight related so I have to write about this thing that just happened. I went to the mall because I had a break between classes, was bored, whatever, and as I was nearing an "intersection"/corner I saw an ex-BF (not the recent one, but one I dated two years ago while recent one and I were on a break). I ABSOLTELY hate running into people I know since I've gained weight especially, but an ex-BF of all things! Luckily, I do not think he saw me since I was able to kind of duck over behind a jewelry store sign and acted like I was checking out the window LOL. Yikes...when I dated him I was 155 at most. So 30 some pounds ago. I just die at the thought of running into exes when I feel so awful about myself, I mean I was just thinking earlier how much I looked like a bowling ball when I saw my reflection. I sometimes think I'm skinnier than I really am sadly, but when I see myself unexpectedly I kind of freak. I try to tell myself that while I am a work in progress, I am perfectly fine as I am anyways, and I NEED to go easier on myself. But that is a work in progress as well I guess! Well, whew, at least I narrowly dodged that bullet!!! Back to class now!


This story totally reminded me of shortly after I had my first child and I saw my ex bf in Old Navy. ( I was there to shop for bigger clothes with my husband) I was about 30 pounds heavier and ironically this was the ex bf that I pretty much spiraled into eating disorder terribleness for the most out of ALL the ex bf's. He liked super skinny girls and I was madly in love with him. Anyway, I tried to hide behind clothing racks but he FOUND me ! AUghh! He was there with his girlfriend and he came and talked to me for a while. The encounter wasn't bad but I was totally self conscious about that extra weight.

nostoneunturned
05-10-2014, 01:48 AM
Anyway, I tried to hide behind clothing racks but he FOUND me ! AUghh! He was there with his girlfriend and he came and talked to me for a while. The encounter wasn't bad but I was totally self conscious about that extra weight.

LOL! I loved this :) I mean I feel awful for how you felt in the moment but the way you wrote it was just hilarious! It seems like somehow the last person you want to see always manages to find you (even in clothing racks, hehe) so that's why I was so ridiculous from this close encounter. Reading your account made me think, yeah it probably wouldn't have been a huge horrible deal for him to see me (and maybe he did), he wasn't some great love, we only dated 2 months. But he was super into fitness and stuff too. Running into exes while grubby or frumpy is really my personal worse case scenario for these kinds of things, an irrational fear. Plus that feeling of being at your worst just sucks all around! But kudos for you, for handling it so well and sharing it, you made me chuckle which was needed :) (GREAT job on your weight loss as well! I hope I can do as well as you.)

****
Tonight was so rough. Not eating wise at least, but I had kind of an anxiety attack-ish thing that sent me flying over to my mom's (aka my BFF at the moment...I think I may be driving her crazy but she's so cool). Once again I faced down a table of treats, and once again the chips came out! Aggghhh seriously I do love my family but this is such a trigger. Luckily tonight I wasn't in the mood to snack. I find this quite strange that several triggers of mine aligned and yet I had no binge urges. That makes me feel better in and of itself; Plus after a few hours with family I felt my anxiety dissipate considerably. I like that while it was uncomfortable I made myself work through and just feel the anxious feelings without turning to food or other crutches (besides social support).

I wonder if removing my diet restrictions is what is helping me be more consistent with eating patterns. I think the meal structure and plan helps too. I have my three times per day I eat, occasionally I might grab a small thing at a random time (or to eat with meds) but overall my body apparently has accepted three set meals daily. The last time I felt real crave-y was last weekend.

I also feel like I am getting results. There aren't huge noticeable changes yet, besides my waist slimming down slightly, and my chin no longer doubles up when I look down. Then there were those jeans. A great week for those (small yet great-feeling) NSV!

Locke
05-10-2014, 01:08 PM
I wouldn't have believed I would get tired of the cookies and candies but I did. IE is a process. People think because you start eating the foods that you restricted then you will continue to eat like that until you gain 100 lbs. Some people gain weight with IE at first because it's not a weight loss regime. It's an inside-out process for repairing your relationship with food. You would be surprised how quickly foods lose their allure once you allow yourself to have them- the caveat is you can't half a$$ it. You have to give yourself complete 100% permission to eat whatever you want. It's scary and it feels like free-falling at first. Even now after several months I still struggle with the pull to restrict. I think it's worth it though, and I used to think of myself as the worst of the worst sort of food/carb/sugar/junk addict.

Pinkhippie
05-10-2014, 04:04 PM
LOL! I loved this :) I mean I feel awful for how you felt in the moment but the way you wrote it was just hilarious! It seems like somehow the last person you want to see always manages to find you (even in clothing racks, hehe) so that's why I was so ridiculous from this close encounter. Reading your account made me think, yeah it probably wouldn't have been a huge horrible deal for him to see me (and maybe he did), he wasn't some great love, we only dated 2 months. But he was super into fitness and stuff too. Running into exes while grubby or frumpy is really my personal worse case scenario for these kinds of things, an irrational fear. Plus that feeling of being at your worst just sucks all around! But kudos for you, for handling it so well and sharing it, you made me chuckle which was needed :) (GREAT job on your weight loss as well! I hope I can do as well as you.)

****
Tonight was so rough. Not eating wise at least, but I had kind of an anxiety attack-ish thing that sent me flying over to my mom's (aka my BFF at the moment...I think I may be driving her crazy but she's so cool). Once again I faced down a table of treats, and once again the chips came out! Aggghhh seriously I do love my family but this is such a trigger. Luckily tonight I wasn't in the mood to snack. I find this quite strange that several triggers of mine aligned and yet I had no binge urges. That makes me feel better in and of itself; Plus after a few hours with family I felt my anxiety dissipate considerably. I like that while it was uncomfortable I made myself work through and just feel the anxious feelings without turning to food or other crutches (besides social support).

I wonder if removing my diet restrictions is what is helping me be more consistent with eating patterns. I think the meal structure and plan helps too. I have my three times per day I eat, occasionally I might grab a small thing at a random time (or to eat with meds) but overall my body apparently has accepted three set meals daily. The last time I felt real crave-y was last weekend.

I also feel like I am getting results. There aren't huge noticeable changes yet, besides my waist slimming down slightly, and my chin no longer doubles up when I look down. Then there were those jeans. A great week for those (small yet great-feeling) NSV!


Im glad I could give you a needed chuckle. It was pretty funny now that I think back on it. Thanks for the congrats on the weight loss. I have just been getting in touch with my body again and it has made an amazing difference. It doesn't feel like "diet" work, but it does feel like work in that I have really been working on my issues with emotional eating. I have read so many books and done so many exercises and of course being aware all the time is work too. It's learning a whole new way to think. But, it really is worth it. It sounds like you are doing great with realizing that restriction leads to bingeing and being able to be more comfortable around food, even during binge triggers.

I wouldn't have believed I would get tired of the cookies and candies but I did. IE is a process. People think because you start eating the foods that you restricted then you will continue to eat like that until you gain 100 lbs. Some people gain weight with IE at first because it's not a weight loss regime. It's an inside-out process for repairing your relationship with food. You would be surprised how quickly foods lose their allure once you allow yourself to have them- the caveat is you can't half a$$ it. You have to give yourself complete 100% permission to eat whatever you want. It's scary and it feels like free-falling at first. Even now after several months I still struggle with the pull to restrict. I think it's worth it though, and I used to think of myself as the worst of the worst sort of food/carb/sugar/junk addict.

Absolutely 100% agree with this. This has been my experience as well. And yep you have to give yourself 100% permission and that is scary. It's definitely worth it and I used to think of myself the same way Locke describes. Now I throw away old birthday cake because I only had a couple pieces and then didn't want any more. Instead of stealthily eating practically the whole cake in a period of a few days.

Pinkhippie
05-10-2014, 04:05 PM
LOL! I loved this :) I mean I feel awful for how you felt in the moment but the way you wrote it was just hilarious! It seems like somehow the last person you want to see always manages to find you (even in clothing racks, hehe) so that's why I was so ridiculous from this close encounter. Reading your account made me think, yeah it probably wouldn't have been a huge horrible deal for him to see me (and maybe he did), he wasn't some great love, we only dated 2 months. But he was super into fitness and stuff too. Running into exes while grubby or frumpy is really my personal worse case scenario for these kinds of things, an irrational fear. Plus that feeling of being at your worst just sucks all around! But kudos for you, for handling it so well and sharing it, you made me chuckle which was needed :) (GREAT job on your weight loss as well! I hope I can do as well as you.)

****
Tonight was so rough. Not eating wise at least, but I had kind of an anxiety attack-ish thing that sent me flying over to my mom's (aka my BFF at the moment...I think I may be driving her crazy but she's so cool). Once again I faced down a table of treats, and once again the chips came out! Aggghhh seriously I do love my family but this is such a trigger. Luckily tonight I wasn't in the mood to snack. I find this quite strange that several triggers of mine aligned and yet I had no binge urges. That makes me feel better in and of itself; Plus after a few hours with family I felt my anxiety dissipate considerably. I like that while it was uncomfortable I made myself work through and just feel the anxious feelings without turning to food or other crutches (besides social support).

I wonder if removing my diet restrictions is what is helping me be more consistent with eating patterns. I think the meal structure and plan helps too. I have my three times per day I eat, occasionally I might grab a small thing at a random time (or to eat with meds) but overall my body apparently has accepted three set meals daily. The last time I felt real crave-y was last weekend.

I also feel like I am getting results. There aren't huge noticeable changes yet, besides my waist slimming down slightly, and my chin no longer doubles up when I look down. Then there were those jeans. A great week for those (small yet great-feeling) NSV!


Im glad I could give you a needed chuckle. It was pretty funny now that I think back on it. Thanks for the congrats on the weight loss. I have just been getting in touch with my body again and it has made an amazing difference. It doesn't feel like "diet" work, but it does feel like work in that I have really been working on my issues with emotional eating. I have read so many books and done so many exercises and of course being aware all the time is work too. It's learning a whole new way to think. But, it really is worth it. It sounds like you are doing great with realizing that restriction leads to bingeing and being able to be more comfortable around food, even during binge triggers.

I wouldn't have believed I would get tired of the cookies and candies but I did. IE is a process. People think because you start eating the foods that you restricted then you will continue to eat like that until you gain 100 lbs. Some people gain weight with IE at first because it's not a weight loss regime. It's an inside-out process for repairing your relationship with food. You would be surprised how quickly foods lose their allure once you allow yourself to have them- the caveat is you can't half a$$ it. You have to give yourself complete 100% permission to eat whatever you want. It's scary and it feels like free-falling at first. Even now after several months I still struggle with the pull to restrict. I think it's worth it though, and I used to think of myself as the worst of the worst sort of food/carb/sugar/junk addict.

Absolutely 100% agree with this. This has been my experience as well. And yep you have to give yourself 100% permission and that is scary. It's definitely worth it and I used to think of myself the same way Locke describes. Now I throw away old birthday cake because I only had a couple pieces and then didn't want any more. Instead of stealthily, guiltily eating practically the whole cake in a period of a few days. (while standing at the counter of course)

Olivia7906
05-11-2014, 08:36 PM
This is interesting to me. At one point I considered myself a junk addict and I would binge on the stuff. I never felt guilty about eating it because I wasn't in a "diet" mind frame. I ate whatever and however much I wanted to. It went on for months and months and months, until I looked up and was 80 lbs heavier. I think IE can get a bit tricky if you have an addiction. It's like telling an alcoholic to intuitively drink lol. That's really not gonna happen. Some restriction must take place until the mind/body can be healed, balance is restored, and then you can move forward from there. It may be easier for some folks to handle, but it can be an open door to disaster for others.

Pattience
05-11-2014, 08:43 PM
Congratulations on not getting bingy at your mums. And i am glad you went there to relieve your anxiety. I also find being with supportive people eases anxiety. Only for me, its with a counsellor. But of course i don't feel anxious around my family or friends anyway.

The meal times schedule sounds like its working really well for you. It works really well for me too.

nostoneunturned
05-11-2014, 09:37 PM
Great weekend! I had so much fun and feel really happy. And my eating was...(drumroll...LOL) GREAT. No binging or urges. I keep writing about it, but typing it feels so good, although not nearly as good as the reality! I actually get jittery when I think about how long it's been since I last had a binge and how calm I feel about food. (It has been nearly three weeks, which is amazing for me, especially since I am not even tempted.) M Day was awesome too. I went shopping yesterday all around but didn't buy much so feeling good about that restraint too ! :)

You would be surprised how quickly foods lose their allure once you allow yourself to have them- the caveat is you can't half a$$ it.

This is interesting to me since as I mentioned I tried IE and while I really tried to let myself go, and even in the moment thought I had, I think at the back of my mind I didn't - because I was afraid. I don't think I was mentally or emotionally ready for- and I don't know that I am today, even. See whenever I've done it I've eaten things like cupcakes by the box, cookies after that, then since I'd intuitively want Arby's I'd run there too! I'd think, it's cool since I don't have to care. Yet a tiny voice in the mind always reminding me, This is not healthy, how many calories am I eating, etc. It didn't feel half-assed exactly (LOL) but more like I didn't trust myself or the process enough to just completely let go.

Whereas now I feel "safer" because I have my own guards in place. The structure feels good to me, since I (a notoriously indecisive person to begin with) never have to consider what's for two meals; there're always the same, convenient and right there for me. The other one (sometimes lunch, usually supper) is the place where I can relax my guard a bit. Absent a crystal ball, I don't know how it will work in the long run. But if the first three weeks are any indication, I'm golden. I feel really, really positive about myself for the first time in a LOOOONG time :)

I think IE can get a bit tricky if you have an addiction. It's like telling an alcoholic to intuitively drink lol.

:) Yes, this is kind of my thoughts too! I don't know if I have an "addiction" per se, but the out-of-controllness that goes along with the binging. It's like you give yourself an inch and you take the whole mile. I have to walk a very careful balance between a having safeguards in place and enough freedom to enjoy life.

It sounds like you are doing great with realizing that restriction leads to bingeing and being able to be more comfortable around food, even during binge triggers.
Congratulations on not getting bingy at your mums.

Thanks Pinkhippie and Pattience :)

And..thanks to all for sharing your thoughts! You guys are just awesome (and every one of you is an inspiration - wow you guys are on a roll). It really helps for me to put this all out here and the feedback is a much appreciated cherry on top :)

nostoneunturned
05-11-2014, 09:39 PM
Just noticed- Ohmygawd, all the smiley faces in my last post...hehe. But I guess that pretty much reflects how I feel at the moment!!

Pattience
05-11-2014, 10:44 PM
es, this is kind of my thoughts too! I don't know if I have an "addiction" per se, but the out-of-controllness that goes along with the binging. It's like you give yourself an inch and you take the whole mile. I have to walk a very careful balance between a having safeguards in place and enough freedom to enjoy life.


Its you who's on a roll dear and you are doing great. Your words in quotes are exactly how it is with me. Except that now i'm can stop that too because of my rules. I"m just saying that because down the track, it won't be quite as smooth as it is now. And while you are feeling golden now, there will come times when the you will feel pelted with troubles and the binge or cravings will come back.

the main occasions that will trigger these feelings i've found are:

1. ongoing stress due to difficult tasks/projects- get counselling if you are really stuck, but otherwise keep plugging on and talk to people who might be able to help you with the task.

2. big disappointments or insults against your self-esteem - keep eating your meals and eat well. Eat a bit more than usual. And find support from family and friends. Talk about it with them. Get hugs and cuddles.

3. when you get skinny or have lost weight too fast - this is when you need to eat more and eat until you are satisfied but eat healthy and in my view, avoid the trigger foods.

4. when you are tired from lack of sleep - solution get to bed, drink lots of water and eat nutritious food in the meantime. Whatever it takes.

5. when you are procrastinating about important things and stress or worries start to grow

6. when you feel a little bored with your food routines. This is when food variety becomes really important so you should work on that now while its easier to have flexibility. When you weigh less its harder to get in the variety if you haven't already figured it out.

7. When you've been doing it for a long time and think you've beaten it. then you may start to grow careless. I don't think even IE encourages carelessness around food.

nostoneunturned
05-13-2014, 01:10 AM
And while you are feeling golden now, there will come times when the you will feel pelted with troubles and the binge or cravings will come back.

Well this is what I am worried about. I've addressed it as well that it's a day by day process so I just take things as they come. It's a stressful time for me right now since it is finals week and I have to get ready to move for the first time in 4 years (I accumulated A LOT of things in that time!) so I'm happy that food isn't calling to me the way it used to. Tonight I went through my closet to find things to consign/thrift, and at some points I thought of grabbing a snack but I hunger checked and chose not to. I was really busy all day, I don't even know what I ate hardly but it was between 1300-1600 calories for sure. Plus I was on my feet pretty much all day! Normally I think I'd be hitting up my favorite pizza joint to "unwind." As if food is necessary to do that :)

Number 5 and 6 are triggers for me too Pattience. Of course stress generally too but I struggle hard with being a procrastinator! Food has always been a good excuse not to do things I really need to!

My back is totally sore now, ouch. Tomorrow I need to settle down and really get cracking on studying more! I won't leave the house so at least I can avoid fast food as I did today (a big plus during finals). As I say, day by day.

One fun thing- today as I went through my wardrobe (I have way too much cute stuff I can't wait to fit into) I put together some really cute combinations with different accessories and shoes, and took pictures. Most I wouldn't wear now- things were super tight, etc. But a few more pounds down.. I can't wait! Last Saturday was the first time in over a year that I put on a rocking outfit that made me feel so good about myself. As I was out and about I didn't worry about what anyone thought, I felt confident and put-together. Today I picked out a few more and sort of started a "look book" for me to reference when I need a quick get up. Clothes are such a forgotten tool to self-confidence for me. For so long, all I wore were ever-tightening jeans with sweatshirts over tees. Stuff that really, I wore to hide myself and just made me feel worse. I love fashion and color and just couldn't enjoy it feeling like an elephant. Life shouldn't be about that! Everyone deserves to feel awesome and the right clothes, well not vital, can do a real number. I'm not even down anything significant (enough to feel, and maybe even notice) but I already feel the good vibes returning.

Mrs Snark
05-13-2014, 09:52 AM
Yay for the good vibes! I love that you have your own look book! That's really awesome!

nostoneunturned
05-14-2014, 10:32 PM
Yay for the good vibes! I love that you have your own look book! That's really awesome!

Thanks!! It's really fun and super motivating. I don't wear 90% of the stuff I own at the moment but hopefully that changes soon!

This week has just been a killer. Finals suck so hard. I had one today that was a bloodbath but we'll see. Tomorrow is my final final, TG. I think the stress is contributing to my depression and also to headaches I've been having since Monday. Monday I was so motivated, I cleaned and sorted stuff for like ten hours. Yesterday I planned to study but a headache laid me up. And my motivation had somehow dissipated to nothing. I feel ornery and just want it to be Friday night already!

BUT! My bright light throughout all the suck is I have NOT had a single binge! And boy was I tempted. Maybe not even to binge, actually. But to eat more than I needed or was hungry for. However I stopped myself with a nice hot shower and by the time I got out the fudgcicle (however you spell it) ceased to call to me. Yesterday I think I ate around 1300 or so calories, today was roughly the same. I've been sticking fairly close to my plan although at home Monday/Tuesday I was a little more privy to grabbing a snack or two. Always reasonable things though.

As for how I feel size wise: I look smaller in the waist for sure. My face looks a bit thinner too, and maybe my thighs. My tight jeans are looser (although they are not the best to judge since they are very stretchy anyways). My belly seemed kind of bloated today for no good reason but I may be retaining stress water, LOL. I'm tempted to get on the darn scale but want to give it a little longer...

nostoneunturned
05-15-2014, 04:29 PM
Yes! Finals are DONE. My life just got a lot happier. I feel really good: out of four classes I'm quite sure I got three A's. One class, though, may be a C+ or B-. It was tough, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it as I would in the past. Life isn't about perfection!

My eating hasn't been perfect either. I know I could make better choices, for sure. However I feel really calm and not at all controlled by it anymore which is amazing. This week in the past would have been a binge fest- first the weekend leading up to it, then, the week after, since I would "need" food to soothe my anxiety and get me through studying. I'm not entirely sure why, but it wasn't like that at all, I just focused and didn't even THINK about snacks or food. Have I let go enough that I'm no longer obsessing, perhaps.

NSV. Today was the first day I've worn those tight jeans I previously mentioned. They zipped up fine :) Now I'll admit they are a hair tight but I wasn't letting that rain on my parade! I hid the muffin top with one of those long flowy tanks that are (thankful) stylish. I glanced at my thighs when I was driving (so vain, LOL) and thinking how they looked much slimmer then a month ago. Yay!

Pattience
05-15-2014, 06:09 PM
Well done for getting through your exams and without binging. Keep going with your program.

nostoneunturned
05-15-2014, 10:48 PM
Thanks Pattience!! I appreciate it :)

nostoneunturned
05-16-2014, 10:33 PM
I haven't weighed yet. But I took my measurements this morning and here's the changes (since 4/22; I always do these kinds of things in the morning before eating/drinking):

Bust from 42" to 41"
Waist from 33" to 30.5"
Hips from 43.5" to 42"
Mid-thigh from 24.5" to 23"

Kickin'! I am thrilled with these changes. Also since 4/24 I've not binged once. It's related I'm sure :P !

Pattience
05-16-2014, 11:42 PM
Bravo!!

nostoneunturned
05-18-2014, 09:22 PM
Bravo!!

Thanks :D

I am so relaxed this weekend. God I had no idea how much school was weighing me down, even when I didn't have homework or much studying it was always in the back of my mind. I keep thinking, I need to be doing...something, and then I remember there's nothing really! Just fabulous.

My weekends seem to repeat themselves. I had another out and about weekend, very busy, and spent most of this afternoon at my mom's. This time though, I ate lunch right prior so I wasn't tempted by the junk. I did enjoy a gooey 2"x3" brownie that I would say was 200-300 calories ( I like to estimate high). And I grabbed literally 5 chips here and there as I did other things. My mom is a talented sewist (as I say, opposed to "sewer" which always looks bad) and she is looking to sell her beautifully handcrafted doll clothes. They are AMAZING. So we gabbed about that and started photographing them for possible Internet sales. I felt super energetic and was on my feet much of the time, and was most of Saturday too. So anyways, in contrast with past weekends where I felt tempted and easily swayed by unhealthy foods, this time I was focused on other things besides that.

I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday morning. So...I'm wondering how to approach it since I know they will weigh me. I think I will weigh myself either tomorrow or Tuesday morning (even though I really wanted to wait until it's been a month or more since I started) so I can be better prepared.

What if it's over 180...I don't like the thought even though as I wrote I am losing definite inches. And I can SEE it! Yet that number has been such a hurdle for me. It's like if I even see it, as ridic as it sounds, it may throw me completely off and straight into a wild binge. BUT. Now I know I have control over that. I just need to not let the mental tricks take hold of me. Hard for a binger to learn, that it's primarily habit and not some evil demon inside. No, I have got this, I can't let one little eensy thing like a number ruin what I've started!!

nostoneunturned
05-20-2014, 01:12 AM
Well tomorrow's the day for my weigh in. I am nervous (you'd think it was some super huge deal, instead of some number on a scale)..but it's got to happen sometime. If it's over 180 (I can't imagine it would be much, since I'm visibly not the same as when I was upper 180's) I just have to remind myself that it's the big picture, It'll take time but I must be patient. After all this is about quitting binging - which I have not done since 4/23 last! That's a great accomplishment. Honestly my anxiety reminds me why I hate weighing too much during weight loss- I get obsessive and the whole deal. How do some people weigh daily, or multiple times a day, I do not know. I go crazy. If the numbers don't come up how I like, I literally say "eff this" and am off to throw back some cookies, pizza, and chips. I guess this will be a good way to test my reserves and my commitment. There's my positive spin for the day, hehe.

Pattience
05-20-2014, 04:47 AM
Instead of sticking with the way you've always through about the scales, why don't you try to be more rational and think about it in a different way. I mean you don't have to think about it the way you've always done. You can recognise that the way you thought about it before was not only pointless but could undermine you and was basically an unhelpful way to think about the scales.

YOu can quite easily retrain yourself to think about it differently.

I have noticed time and time again in my life in recent years how an attitude change can make huge differences to your experience of the same things.

And a change of attitude is easy really easy. All you have to do is recognise that the old way of thinking was misguided and you find a new more helpful perspective. Which once you''ve got it, is so darn easy to accept you will never want to go back.

nostoneunturned
05-20-2014, 10:05 AM
Finally! As of this morning I weigh 177.0. :D I feel relieved at pleased, that's a great loss for 4 weeks. The first week I know is usually water weight so I wouldn't expect to lose that much every month but still a great way to start things off!

The changes to the way I think about food are awesome too. I can count on one hand the number of times I thought, might as well go order a pizza and grab a bag of gummis. It may have been only once even. Astounding considering that previously that was my thought pattern several times a week.

And this doesn't feel hard, at all. I don't feel restricted or strained for willpower. When I did WW I almost always lost fast (15 pounds the first month, 10 each the next few) but the counting and tracking didn't work for me emotionally; food and what to eat next was always in my top three topics in my mind. It makes me obsessive. And WW never worked, since I always ended up gaining it back soon after I stopped the meticulous tracking.

Well I could go on and on and on, but I have to get ready for my dr. appointment. Hard to believe two more pounds will put me a quarter of the way to my goal..Yay! My day is off to a great start!

nostoneunturned
05-20-2014, 07:37 PM
AND I'm super glad I decided to weigh myself this morning because at the Dr's office I weighed 181. Which, with clothes + breakfast + soda is going to be a bit higher anyway but there was the dread 180 number. But it didn't bother me a bit since I'd already seen the beautiful 1-7-7, LOL.

nostoneunturned
05-22-2014, 11:44 PM
Here's my second major challenge after finals - daughters birthday, with three celebrations! Tonight we had cupcakes. I ate two. Obviously my calories were a lot higher (maybe 2400? I didn't really plan on it, but I had lunch out today too. Typically eat around 1200 -1500, depending on hunger level). My week was great though overall as far as maintaining my plan. On Saturday we have two parties but I plan to eat very mindfully.

This morning I couldn't help but step on the scale again. Still 177 :)

Mrs Snark
05-23-2014, 11:12 AM
Niiiiice! What a lovely number to see!

Pinkhippie
05-23-2014, 12:07 PM
Here's my second major challenge after finals - daughters birthday, with three celebrations! Tonight we had cupcakes. I ate two. Obviously my calories were a lot higher (maybe 2400? I didn't really plan on it, but I had lunch out today too. Typically eat around 1200 -1500, depending on hunger level). My week was great though overall as far as maintaining my plan. On Saturday we have two parties but I plan to eat very mindfully.

This morning I couldn't help but step on the scale again. Still 177 :)

Congratulations!
Last month we had FOUR birthdays spread out over the month and one of them was my own. (the others were my husband and two of my daughters) I enjoyed cake and cupcakes, I just made sure to eat them when I was hungry and with a bit of protein to balance sugar light headedness. I ended up throwing a cake away because it got old and stale. When I let myself have cake without restriction, it wasn't so imperative to wolf it all down. And cake has been my overeating nemesis for a long time.

nostoneunturned
05-23-2014, 09:01 PM
Thanks Mrs. Snark and Pinkhippie!!

Last month we had FOUR birthdays spread out over the month and one of them was my own. (the others were my husband and two of my daughters) I enjoyed cake and cupcakes, I just made sure to eat them when I was hungry and with a bit of protein to balance sugar light headedness. I ended up throwing a cake away because it got old and stale. When I let myself have cake without restriction, it wasn't so imperative to wolf it all down. And cake has been my overeating nemesis for a long time.


OMG I feel for you!! Four situations would be quite tough, for sure!! But good on you for staying committed to your plan and your health. And the protein is a really, really great idea. Cakes have always been one of those foods that "call" to me too. I had none today but will have some tomorrow since there are two parties to attend. Thankfully one party we will be having cupcakes which makes it easier to stop at one (and control the portion). The other party will be tougher- it's my mom's, which is like the Binge Cave to me LOL. Well the last couple of times were fine. I know she is getting an ice cream cake though so that's going to be a definite challenge!!

Despite all this I do not feel too anxious as I would in the past. I have no plan to outright avoid anything but will stick to one small portion of any unhealthy things and like Pinkhippie said eat plenty of protein to keep my hunger in check. I'm committed to not binging so I will do it!

nostoneunturned
05-26-2014, 09:40 PM
Well I am not overly pleased with how I ate this weekend, but I did have a good time for the most part. Because it has been sticky and humid I have been battling a migraine on and off. In summary, I did not binge but I did overeat, to the point I KNEW I was not hungry yet did anyway. I ate quite a lot of cake on Saturday, my only reasoning was it was SO GOOD. LOL. I was really stuffed to the point of feeling nauseous Saturday night/Sunday morning (acid reflux even). Ugh. So maybe that does count as a binge? I didn't feel out of control though, just ate a piece of cake after dinner, then another a little while later, then a bigger one just before I left for the night. The next day I had that migraine pretty much all day so I wasn't inclined to eat as much anyways but I did not eat well. Then today, I started off okay but with the headache still made some poor choices. I don't feel the best physically, because of the weather, and because of the food choices I've made. But tomorrow is a new day -so, onward I go.

nostoneunturned
05-27-2014, 10:34 PM
Good lord help me. I am feeling so off the ball right now. I have not had a binge still but have been overeating per my plan and my hunger needs. Today for example. I ate a cup of applesauce for breakfast, I wasn't hungry since I ate too much yesterday. Then for lunch I ate Italian fast food- very greasy fast food. Normally I would have stopped there, but I got home and felt like eating despite not at all being hungry.

I tried to put it off by calling a friend and window shopping online but eventually I gave in and ate some string cheese. I figured my calories were about 1500 or so and felt relieved. But! Then I ate a box of low cal treats (totaling 540 calories) and while it's not astronomical I so, so want to binge. Like hardcore, pizza and cookies and deep fried food and the whole gambit. I feel sick and sad. Not physically sick, but just heartsick that I am turning to these behaviors.

I think I know where the feelings are stemming from. With my migraines this past weekend I did not take my Anti-depressant for a couple of days (did today though) which apparently has a huge effect on my urges, moreso than I realized. I also have been eating more junk over the b-day/holiday weekend leading to cravings.

But inside I am suffering turmoil of the heartache sort. Strangely, lately I have been missing my ex BF so much. It's peculiar particularly because my initial feeling was relief and I felt mostly okay with the BU for the first weeks (happened in late March). But it's worsening with time, I guess as I stumble over the holes in my life I didn't even know he had once filled. Everything is reminding me of him. Everything. I saw the word "lobster" earlier and remembered the time we went to the East coast and ate at this fantastic seafood restaurant. I mean, it's just stupid things but I am frustrated how this sudden wave of missing him has struck me and it's practically toppling me. He's in my mind all the time. Hopefully with my move coming up next month and (fingers crossed) a possible exciting opportunity I will be distracted but even with the busyness of last weekend I continue to feel weighted down by memories. Why is he haunting me so much lately? Has it just become more real with time? Is it the change in weather, we have never once spent this month apart so the turn of season to summer with it's associated scents and sights may be reviving lost good times..? The other night I stepped outside and the air felt spectacular, yet it made me melancholy deep down. I think of all the walks we took in the dark, smelling lilac bushes and the like. This is verging on cloyingly ridiculous, I need to stop, I want him to go away for forever but I guess I just have to be patient...give it time, as awful as that sounds. At least typing all this out is taking away the binge urge. At least there's that.

:(

Pinkhippie
05-28-2014, 12:59 AM
Im glad typing it out helped you. I discover that I mindlessly eat the most when there is an emotion I Really really don't want to feel. Either because it seems like an unacceptable emotion to me or its so strong I have fear to feel it.

It is so good that you are aware that you are sad and missing your ex bf. Im sorry you are feeling sad. Here is an an internet hug from someone who has been there. ((hugs))

Try to soothe yourself and comfort yourself in a way that truly meets your needs if you can. It sounds like writing helped you. I hope you feel better tommorow. And please be gentle with yourself if you do continue to eat. Just being aware that you are eating for emotional reasons can help the next time and being compassionate with yourself versus the feeling guilty like you have blown it and you suck feeling will often quell the binge urge as well. No need to punish yourself with more food when you are not hungry.

nostoneunturned
05-28-2014, 07:52 PM
Here is an an internet hug from someone who has been there. ((hugs))

Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me.

The last few days have been super tough, but fortunately I did refrain from binging. Boy was it hard there for awhile. I ate poorly and too much, for sure. But I didn't order that pizza, or a box of cookies, or a big bag of candy. Whew. Today I felt only slightly binge-y at work but I stayed on track (I resumed my eating plan too).

Writing really did help me last night. I went from feeling "I AM going to binge, it WILL happen, I NEED to" to "Naaaah...never mind." But that feeling is so scary. I wish I didn't have this problem to contend with but it's really a day by day thing, and that is the other thing that really helped me- remembering that one day (or weekend as in my case) will not ruin everything, and there's no reason to throw in the towel over extra calories that really, couldn't have possibly added up to too many pounds of actual fat, if even one. My appetite is very reduced and my stomach's holding capacity is as well. What I ate Saturday (the worst of the days) would have been like nothing in the past; I would likely have added more just because I was already on that track. But now my stomach gets too full, and I am more sensitive to feeling full- like a little bit bothers me much more.

Well, again I truly thank you for your kind and caring thoughts, Pinkhippie. I am back on track today, hopefully to stay. As a side note, as you mentioned soothing and self-care, I really need to start exercising daily. Now that school is done I no longer have those walking minutes in my day (or the dreaded stairway of doom, hehe) so that won't help matters much either. But I feel positive!

Pattience
05-28-2014, 09:13 PM
There's a lot of good thinking style in your last post no stone. And your thought about putting him out of your mind is also good.

I have found when i get pained about someone, that the best way for me to deal with it is to push the desire type thoughts right out. Before i did that, i was feeling lots of emotions which were negatively affecting my behaviours. But when i made the decision to push the guy out of mind ( i know its a bit harder for you as you had along term relationship) it really helped.

Also your other analysis about why you felt you needed to eat badly sounds fairly likely. The migraines and not taking your meds.

When stuff like that happens, you have to be kind to yourself. Keep trying. You will prevail. And keep doing the things you know you need to do like taking your meds.

In the last few days i have been feeling pretty off too. I know what's casued it but i think i am so far in to my new style of eating now that i'm not going to cave. However, other areas of my life where i haven't been quite so solid are taking the fall.

There will always be these tough mood situations. And we need to keep on working with other solutions to dealing with them than food. I know you can get there if you can keep bouncing back after a little episode of regrettable eating. Build your mental strength around this and a history of small successes at resisting and you will pull through well in the long run.

There will always be challenges. We have to expect them. Tehre might be setbacks too and then its a question of damage minimisation and not giving up entirely. So keep strong. Hugs.

Pinkhippie
05-28-2014, 10:55 PM
Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me.

The last few days have been super tough, but fortunately I did refrain from binging. Boy was it hard there for awhile. I ate poorly and too much, for sure. But I didn't order that pizza, or a box of cookies, or a big bag of candy. Whew. Today I felt only slightly binge-y at work but I stayed on track (I resumed my eating plan too).

Writing really did help me last night. I went from feeling "I AM going to binge, it WILL happen, I NEED to" to "Naaaah...never mind." But that feeling is so scary. I wish I didn't have this problem to contend with but it's really a day by day thing, and that is the other thing that really helped me- remembering that one day (or weekend as in my case) will not ruin everything, and there's no reason to throw in the towel over extra calories that really, couldn't have possibly added up to too many pounds of actual fat, if even one. My appetite is very reduced and my stomach's holding capacity is as well. What I ate Saturday (the worst of the days) would have been like nothing in the past; I would likely have added more just because I was already on that track. But now my stomach gets too full, and I am more sensitive to feeling full- like a little bit bothers me much more.

Well, again I truly thank you for your kind and caring thoughts, Pinkhippie. I am back on track today, hopefully to stay. As a side note, as you mentioned soothing and self-care, I really need to start exercising daily. Now that school is done I no longer have those walking minutes in my day (or the dreaded stairway of doom, hehe) so that won't help matters much either. But I feel positive!

I am glad my words could help a little bit. I think exercise to take care of yourself is a great idea, especially since you are feeling sad. Endorphins from exercise really make me feel better. They key to exercise for me is to not worry about calorie burn or anything like that, and just do something that I enjoy that isn't so hard that I dread doing it again any time soon.

Im glad you feel positive! You are doing great on this journey. It sounds like you are being aware and learning a lot. :)

nostoneunturned
05-30-2014, 12:13 AM
When stuff like that happens, you have to be kind to yourself. Keep trying. You will prevail.

There will always be challenges. We have to expect them. Tehre might be setbacks too and then its a question of damage minimisation and not giving up entirely. So keep strong. Hugs.

Awww thanks to you Pattience! Yes this is the challenge I feared, that I could not win. I feel like I'm losing in some ways because I feel that familiar sliding feeling. Unfortunately today was another not good day, emotionally and eating wise, despite yesterday going well. Once again I met my daily goal, fine, but danced around a nasty headache all day. Once I got home from work I laid down for awhile but I was thinking of very negative things, not relaxing. I decided to eat some stuff (chex mix) to see if that would help my headache. It didn't, really, so I took some meds and had a hot shower (which I should have done in the first place -facepalm).

THEN I realized I had to make a run into town (I live about 20 minutes outside of the biggest "city") and do something important. While there my daughter wanted something to eat so guess what. We went through the drive through. I ate another 500 calories. SO all told probably about 2500 calories, when I was perfectly fulfilled at 1300. GROAN.

Im glad you feel positive! You are doing great on this journey. It sounds like you are being aware and learning a lot.

Thank you :), I wish I felt like I was doing great! I am truly learning and being more self aware than ever. My perfectionism demands that this translates to amazing results, pronto, though! I wonder if I need to tweak something since this is not working for me right now. Or if I just need to work harder at defeating my weak areas- times when I physically feel not on top of things, more likely to make junky choices and then getting into the self-perpetuated cycle of cravings. We'll see what the weekend brings. I need to clean and get more stuff packed and generally prepare for moving at the end of June. Wow it is coming fast.

I truly appreciate all the support, guys, really!! I am working my way through this one day at a time, and your encouragement keeps me going too. This past week has been very hard, but maybe next week will be easy again! I can hope :)

Pattience
05-30-2014, 12:29 AM
keep on being kind to yourself. I think when you are struggling emotionally, its better to eat more but make sure its quality nutritious food. That way you might eat more than your allowance but you won't eat as much as if you were trying to restrict yourself.

And otherwise keep trying to distract from food. Keeping busy works.

e.g. maybe in the situation of your daughter being hungry, don't go to a drive through. Go somewhere where she can run in and get food for herself while you wait in the car. Or if its possible ask her to wait until you get home.

And meanwhile carry food such as fruit or sandwiches with you in the car.

I'm feeling really crap today myself. I just can't motivate myself which in avoiding my work makes me feel even worse i know. But i'm not going to have any crap food! I've come too far. I'll just have more fruit salad or something yummy like that with not so many calories. I can't binge on fruit salad.

Mrs Snark
05-30-2014, 09:38 AM
Nostone - You have alot going on in your head, as I do. I am sometimes overwhelmed by my own "inner monologue" analyzing every little thing that is happening -- why did I do that, what does it mean, who am I, how many calories in cupcakes, what time is it (ha) -- it is sometimes just too much.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is grand, but sometimes we can get mired down in it like quicksand. Take some time for your mind to be peacefully empty, it can be really helpful. You could tell yourself "I am going to put all my thoughts into a box for this evening, I'll take them out again tomorrow, but for now I am just going to BE." Then totally relax -- no judging or analyzing or planning the future or counting up calories or reviewing progress or whatever.

Sounds so new age hippy-dippy doesn't it? And I am not that kind of person, really. But some zen time has been really helpful to me, particularly with managing my binge-eating.

So I though I would mention it to you as well! :) Sending you hugs!

Pinkhippie
05-30-2014, 11:44 AM
Nostone - You have alot going on in your head, as I do. I am sometimes overwhelmed by my own "inner monologue" analyzing every little thing that is happening -- why did I do that, what does it mean, who am I, how many calories in cupcakes, what time is it (ha) -- it is sometimes just too much.

Self-awareness and self-analysis is grand, but sometimes we can get mired down in it like quicksand. Take some time for your mind to be peacefully empty, it can be really helpful. You could tell yourself "I am going to put all my thoughts into a box for this evening, I'll take them out again tomorrow, but for now I am just going to BE." Then totally relax -- no judging or analyzing or planning the future or counting up calories or reviewing progress or whatever.

Sounds so new age hippy-dippy doesn't it? And I am not that kind of person, really. But some zen time has been really helpful to me, particularly with managing my binge-eating.

So I though I would mention it to you as well! :) Sending you hugs!

I agree with this too. I think there is a place for both and I often go "on hiatus". Where I stop analyzing and journaling and trying to figure it all out because I need a break! Then I can come back refreshed. I hope you are doing ok. :)

nostoneunturned
05-30-2014, 10:12 PM
You guys are so, so great :hug: . I am extremely touched. I have to get it together. Today was fine. I had an interview that I was very excited about but during it I realized the position wasn't going to work for me (nutshell- it's temporary with no guarantee of becoming perm., not worth it to leave my current job even though this position is way more pertinent to my field of education, also it won't really work with my school schedule as well...sigh). I was really disappointed afterwards, down & blue and still battling a smallish dumb-butt headache! But I went home and laid on the deck and got some sun, while reading a chic lit book and didn't even think about the negatives. I know, I know, sunning is terrible but it's so relaxing and a bit of tan makes me feel prettier.

I didn't overeat though! I admittedly want to, honestly. I wanted a pizza so bad for awhile there, it was dicey. I took a nap this evening instead and have been chilling in my room far from the kitchen (although it's hardly stocked; I must get groceries this weekend - healthy ones!). My daughter has been playing with her friend so I've been alone, which has been bringing me down but tonight for some reason it feels nice.

I keep telling myself, if I were back into dating I'd be full of nerves and anxiety. Dating can be exciting but it is too stressful. Even if- especially if - you like the guy, it's all wondering, considering, analyzing. At least for me! Hey. I think the next time I do the dating thing (I'd like to wait a bit yet, emotionally but physically too, want to lose a few more) I will be much more casual. None of this, looking for my husband NOW stuff. It gets super intense and that's not how it should be! Have fun, go with the flow, but mostly- just have fun. And quit making men out to be terrifying cretins who want nothing more than to crack my heart into bits (joking! mostly).

Thanks again for all the e-hugs, y'all! I feel sort of weak yet but I'm not going to lie, it's nice to get those supportive messages. I'm hearing what you all say too- I need to step back, and chill, and "just BE" (for a second when I saw that I was thinking "binge eat? really?!" LOL goes to show where my mind is at). ZEN sounds like a good thing to work for. I will continue to journal 'cause it helps just to write. But the other stuff, yeah, I am going to take a breather and go with the flow and enjoy life.

(To Pattience, I hope your day/night has gotten better! Good job not reaching for the junks :D )

Pattience
05-30-2014, 10:40 PM
No stone, yes meditating is an excellent thing to do and by the sound of the headaches, it might serve you well to learn some basics.

The zen thing is being in the present moment. Focus on what's right in front of you and let go all the analysis type mental activity.

You shouldn't be having lots of headaches. Its probably due to tension. If not, then i'd get them checked out. Can you recognise if you carry a lot of tension. Are you a worrier? Intense about most things most of the time? If so, then you should learn to let go and learn some relaxation techniques. Yoga and tai chi would probably be very helpful too.

A lot of people call tension headaches migraines but they are not true migraines. They are caused somewhat by stress and holding your body tightly, usually without any actual awareness. There is a body scanning technique in meditation which will teach your body awareness and relaxation. You can also get the same benefit from learning yoga and probably tai chi.

You can also get headaches from being dehydrated, too much coffee and or cigarettes.

If its none of these things, then you really should see a doctor about them.

As for me, my day did get a little better. And food wise what i did was excellent. After i saw the doctor, i went towards the supermarket and on seeing the butcher, i spontaneously decided to treat myself with some lamb loin chops. Trying to be vegetarian, i almost never eat these chops but i do love them. In fact, i like meat so my vegetarian lifestyle is deprivation. Though mostly its not hard.

Along with the chops (3), i also had a lot of broccoli, carrots, all steamed and then smothered in a garlic flavoured yoghurt sauce i made (basically yoghurt and garlic) and sautéed mushrooms. It was a big plate ful. At the supermarket i also bought some stone baked turkish bread, though its nothing like the turkish bread i ever ate in turkey. I thought that would be rather overdosing on calories for the night but i ate two slices of that with no butter as well. I used the bread to mop up the excess yoghurt.

It was the most yummy dinner and i felt i did the right thing.

This morning, after a week of the scale being up a bit, it was down to my lowest number again! Now that was not expected and i'm not going to say it means anything much but how nice.

So yes, today i am still on schedule with food but also still procrastinating a bit with my work. I will do some light stuff this arvo.

its good to keep journaling. I think it helps keep you focussed and you can learn from it.

nostoneunturned
05-31-2014, 11:25 PM
You shouldn't be having lots of headaches. Its probably due to tension. If not, then i'd get them checked out. Can you recognise if you carry a lot of tension. Are you a worrier? Intense about most things most of the time? If so, then you should learn to let go and learn some relaxation techniques. Yoga and tai chi would probably be very helpful too.


I am a Worrier by any other name ;) . I woke up this morning and couldn't believe that I had yet another headache. Truly you're right, I am susceptible to migraines but these have been different. I mean I can function through them for the most part, it's just this constant pressure and stuffy feeling in my temples- not a throb behind one eye, like a migraine. So you are on to something Pattience. My doctor is aware of these and we've discussed medicinal interventions but for the most part I just live with them, since I don't want to add another drug to my cocktail LOL. I take an Excendrine type drug that almost always alleviates the pain, in any case. Right now the weather where I am has shifted quite suddenly from being cold and dry and windy to, within the past week, being suffocatingly humid and HOT. Which I love hot, but the humid not so much since it's headache triggering. Anyways, enough drone about that. Back to what this is all about.

Today I went over the edge. A binge, well, yes. I guess that's what it was. I ordered my pizza and ate the whole medium (with kind of a break in between halves, but still). I had eaten a decent bfast and lunch and then had some fro yo as a treat. I didn't feel hungry at all. But no matter what I ate, it just wasn't hitting that ping- that sweet spot, the place where only one food will satisfy. For me, it was the dang pizza.

So how do I feel. Well, unhappy of course. But not so much that I ate the pizza...it's more frustration about the compulsion I felt. I've been thinking about this stupid pizza for around a week. Most days, I've considered purchasing it- and I didn't until today. After I picked it up, even before one slice hit my lips, I felt a sense of relief. After I ate it, still- feeling relieved. Like this whole tension had been building and building and the pressure release could only occur with that pizza. That's absolutely a mental/emotional thing. I am annoyed that I have not found a way to overcome this. I mean this was not a spur of the moment, to heck with it, blowout kind of binge. This was majorly delayed-gratification, kind of controlled but still way more than a person could need. I managed to say no every day, for the past week...until today.

What have I learned from all this? I absolutely can not, should not, diet. Ever again if I can help it. See, as I drove my pizza home, I had a fleeting thought: "Oh, this will be okay, I'll start counting points on Monday." And immediately following that thought was this one: "What else can I have then right now, while I still can? Should I grab some cupcakes, too, or...?" And so forth.

Oh my G. Total light bulb moment. I could either eat my pizza and be done and move on with life, or I can decide this is it forever and go wild and eat double as many calories as I'd planned just because. Now, I have not been formally dieting. That's a part of why the dumb binge urges have bugged me so much. They shouldn't exist. They didn't exist during the heII that is finals week, so why now? Well there is the emotional stuff, career stuff, moving stuff...lots of different sources of stress, all at once. All of it makes me even more anxious about my body and more desperate for it to change quickly into a more desirable shape. I feel the beckoning of the binge-restrict cycle, again. It's coming from a place of frustration (read: lack of patience), anxiety, depression, grief. Nowhere nice.

I guess from here on out I need to remain aware of what my urges mean and how much - if at all- I should give into them. I need to just live, and let go. I need to not let external forces continue to derail me. This is my life, my party, and I only get one shot at it all :carrot:

nostoneunturned
06-01-2014, 11:24 PM
Well today was a bit better. I am so exhausted because I had to clean my house from top to bottom, thoroughly, which really, I haven't bothered to do in awhile. I've forgotten how nice it is to have a truly clean space, it's so much more relaxing and I feel better for it.

I didn't really think much about eating, just kind of ate whatever, whenever I could. I didn't eat very healthy- grabbed individual pretzel bags and Fiber One snacks, etc. Whatever. I don't care ATM honestly. I feel frustrated at the idea that I may never reach my goal, that I can try and try and the binges/junk food will always derail me. I know it's just whining and I don't truly believe that but I'm too tired to argue (silently) with my own feelings. Sick of thinking of food, and weight. Maybe I do need a break from it, for awhile. I fear that that will only result in gaining, but how is that any different from obsessing? Boo. I am in a huffy sort of mood. Off to finish laundry, hooray...

One very, very good thing. I didn't have a headache when I woke up or all day! I was really happy to wake up and that be my first thought- "Oh hey, no headache. AWESOME." This was immediately following a plane crash dream (which I woke from).

My anxiety is all weird and crazy with the pending move, etc. The anxiety is a driver for eating, eating issues, etc. How is it that people can just not care about food, at all, ever???? I want to be them, for more than just a physically busy day. I must know their ways. I know they won't be here, on this forum, but man, if I knew someone I'd be holding them hostage for a long time trying to pin down just what it is that makes them indifferent to food.

Pinkhippie
06-02-2014, 01:02 AM
I meant to comment on your earlier post, but didn't get a chance. It sounds like you already know that you ate the whole pizza because you continuously denied yourself the pizza and you finally had to have it. I have to recommend again wholeheartedly the book How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too: Stop Binge Eating, Overeating and Dieting For Good Get the Naturally Thin Body You Crave From the Inside Out (Binge Eating Solution). By Josie Spinardi

It talks a lot about "gasping for food". Which is when you deny yourself food, you will eventually be gasping for it. Kind of like gasping for air if you hold your breath for a long time.

Good for you for getting your house cleaned! I really really need to do that myself.

I really understand and relate to what you are saying about not wanting to care about food. Seriously if you stop restricting your food, you will stop caring as much about it. I have seen that firsthand in myself and in others.

Im sending you happy non thinking about food contented thoughts. I feel for you and I have been there.

nostoneunturned
06-03-2014, 09:03 PM
Im sending you happy non thinking about food contented thoughts. I feel for you and I have been there.

Thanks so much! Just everything in your post resonates right now. "Gasping for food"... YES. That is exactly how I felt. How I've been feeling. I thought I was on to a good plan, with my "non-diet diet" but really there is too much restriction mentally (always counting calories and so denying certain things). I am going to check out that book on Amazon too after I finish posting. Others have recommended it as well.

Ack, I know it's pointless to do but I get so frustrated that I am so utterly wrapped up in food, what I want versus what I will allow, wanting so badly to lose weight yet wanted so badly to eat all the things I love when I want them.

Today I felt wistful thinking of the first time I'd lost decent weight, a decade ago. I had always been chubby or outright overweight although I'd attempted little diets here and there (nothing too hardcore). After I had my lovely daughter, I lost the baby weight- and kept right on going to my lowest weight as an adult. I've not been able to replicate that time period or that feeling of freedom from food (except for very brief stints). I know I had started an antidepressant, and I had no appetite/wasn't dieting at all. I wasn't breastfeeding or anything. It's like a code I've been trying to crack for all these years: just what was it that enabled me to stop obsessing about food and drop down to a really comfortable and desirable weight?

Truly the "obsessing about it" part is the majority of the problem. My weight as a child/adolescence stemmed from bad habits for the most part. I never saw a major change until post-pregnancy when I had my first experience being thin. Then I went to college and gained some weight, and started actual dieting. And then the binges began. What it comes down to is I have to simply let go. I just wish it were, in fact, simple!

Weight update. This morning I weighed myself: 182.0. I gained 5 pounds from a week and change of very poor eating. Maybe some water in there, I guess? I hated seeing that I was above 180 again but it's just a further reminder of how badly I've veered of path and that I still need to find the way. And dieting is not the way, but maybe any type of thought given to something as inane as food is not the way either. For some people, they're hungry, they eat. End of story. That's how I need to be.

Gingerjv
06-04-2014, 02:45 PM
Do not be upset of gaining few pounds! Just put yourself togather and change your mind! Eat to live, but not live to eat! Motivation is the most powerful thing. I get help from looking at photos of skinny models (of course i understand that maybe i won't be able to become as skinny as they are but still;-) I mnotivate myself with beautiful clothes! I want to wear this little shirts and i will!! ;-) The best way to forget about food is to find your inspiration in something else. find new hobby, fall in love and everything will change! May the force be with you!;-) Nothing comes easy but the good result will come for sure..sooner or later!

nostoneunturned
06-04-2014, 08:17 PM
Thanks gingerjv! I love, love clothes and they do strongly motivate me (I have an entire closet + that I can not wait to wear). However looking at skinny models?? Eh...no. That only makes me feel worse, plus their methods to skinniness (for the majority) are not ones I would reproduce.

I have to say, I checked out the book Pinkhippie rec'd - "Have your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too" (or something like that) and I want it so, so bad. Sadly it's only sold as a kindle edition from what I could tell. From the comments though, wow. It looks amazing. I read the excerpt too and was hooked. Thank you SO MUCH for that suggestion, because somehow, someway I will get my hands on that book (I just don't have a kindle). I think the idea is pretty basic but I'd really like to hear her suggestions for overcoming certain situations.

I tried out the basic idea today and it's so amazing. Instead of eating what I normally do (a small, healthyish b-fast and lunch, with a chosen but portion controlled dinner) I told myself to eat: 1) anything I wanted 2)but ONLY when I was actually hungry. And wow, it really worked. Just before work I hunger-checked and was a tiny bit hungry so I ate some applesauce. Of course I was super hungry by lunchtime so I ate Italian but really focused on eating and taking my time, instead of eating while reading, etc. I ate 2/3rds of the meal (it filled me up) and took the rest in a to-go bag for supper. And that's what I ate today! No binge urges, felt comfortable (not overstuffed), and no obsessing. I mean it's very simple. It's just I always thought I needed to have rules, of some sort, in order not to go hog-wild. These aren't even rules, just common sense, and waiting to be truly hungry. I definitely will not diet anymore but of course would like to lose all this weight. This may be just the thing!! Wow.

Pinkhippie
06-04-2014, 08:48 PM
Thanks gingerjv! I love, love clothes and they do strongly motivate me (I have an entire closet + that I can not wait to wear). However looking at skinny models?? Eh...no. That only makes me feel worse, plus their methods to skinniness (for the majority) are not ones I would reproduce.

I have to say, I checked out the book Pinkhippie rec'd - "Have your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too" (or something like that) and I want it so, so bad. Sadly it's only sold as a kindle edition from what I could tell. From the comments though, wow. It looks amazing. I read the excerpt too and was hooked. Thank you SO MUCH for that suggestion, because somehow, someway I will get my hands on that book (I just don't have a kindle). I think the idea is pretty basic but I'd really like to hear her suggestions for overcoming certain situations.

I tried out the basic idea today and it's so amazing. Instead of eating what I normally do (a small, healthyish b-fast and lunch, with a chosen but portion controlled dinner) I told myself to eat: 1) anything I wanted 2)but ONLY when I was actually hungry. And wow, it really worked. Just before work I hunger-checked and was a tiny bit hungry so I ate some applesauce. Of course I was super hungry by lunchtime so I ate Italian but really focused on eating and taking my time, instead of eating while reading, etc. I ate 2/3rds of the meal (it filled me up) and took the rest in a to-go bag for supper. And that's what I ate today! No binge urges, felt comfortable (not overstuffed), and no obsessing. I mean it's very simple. It's just I always thought I needed to have rules, of some sort, in order not to go hog-wild. These aren't even rules, just common sense, and waiting to be truly hungry. I definitely will not diet anymore but of course would like to lose all this weight. This may be just the thing!! Wow.

Im glad it looks like a book that could help you. :) If you don't have a Kindle you can read it on the cloud reader, or on a kindle app for your computer, or your phone if you have a smart phone. Also, if you go to her website, she has an audio cd version for about 30 bucks.
Im so glad that eating what you want when you are hungry is helping you. If you want, you might want to check the IE thread. That is my main stomping grounds here. :) It sounds so simple but my struggle is always eating what I REALLY want, not what my "diet police" are telling me to. I have noticed if I don't eat what I really want, then I tend to overeat. I have been doing IE on and off for about a year and I still feel guilty when I eat bread. And Im not even a low carber! And never have been. Its kind of scary, the diet mentality.

Mrs Snark
06-05-2014, 08:55 AM
Yay! It sounds like you may have found an approach that will work for you!

nostoneunturned
06-08-2014, 12:32 AM
Nothing too exciting to report today. Yesterday was fun. Eating more intuitively/naturally is going well, pretty much, but boy it's hard to let go of the diet mindset. I keep added up calories or catch myself wanted to check numbers for different foods. Like we went to the pool yesterday and I ate a delicious hot pretzel and I was sorely tempted to look up a calories count since I wasn't too sure but I forced myself not too. Today I ate nachos for lunch and when every one else wanted to stop for supper since I wasn't hungry I didn't get anything. A couple hours later I felt a bit hungry and had two leftover pizza slices which felt like too much, for the small amount of hunger. I wondered and worried about it as I drove home but have decided to just chill, because my body will sort things out. I won't be as hungry tomorrow if it was too much. I am taking my dad out for an early Father's day lunch though so then what? It's a buffet, and I'd hate to throw $10 away for myself and not eat anything. Oh well. One day at a time. It may be a delicious place but that doesn't mean I need to eat if I'm not hungry. It's like I wouldn't take medicine if I weren't sick, right? LOL..

nostoneunturned
06-08-2014, 07:22 PM
I'm feeling happy today. I feel much more in control of myself around foods I used to feel enslaved by. For instance, I stopped at Walgreen's to grab a card for my dad and saw candies on sale, good stuff like saltwater taffy and other fruity things. I thought well, why not? I can eat whatever. But I just didn't have that drive anymore. It interested me for a minute then I moved on.

I handled the buffet well too. Usually I have a couple slices of the amazing coconut cake but today I enjoyed one and that was perfect. I also ate veggies and fish (which I love anyway) and roast beef. Small portions, all. I felt full (maybe a hair too much) but not stuffed like I normally would. Afterwards I bought a couple of groceries to tide us through the week, including some sweets. I had a moment of stress and ate some cake but really hunger checked the whole time, and didn't eat too much at all. I feel really satisfied and proud. Sunday afternoons are a tricky time for me binge-wise. It's typically this time where I feel the diet-y, all or nothing attitude and think, to heck with it and overeat or binge. I have a bit of that temptation, more habit than anything, I think. But it's not real compelling. I tell myself, I can eat this when I'm hungry. It will still be here and be fine. And that's that.

Emotionally I feel really huge lately. Not sure why, but I just keep thinking I look worse than usual. I took my measurements (didn't bother to weigh) this morning and they are exactly the same as when I last did, no change. But somehow I see myself as bigger than I have been. Even though my pants are loose- my 13s are sliding off annoyingly, but 11/12 is a tad too tight. I feel like nothing looks good even though I am trying to come up with cute summery outfits. I just feel ugly, and big, and negative for the most part. But today was better. I think if I see some weight loss I will feel a lot better yet I hate to think too much about it, because it makes me obsessive. I just want off this weight roller coaster.

nostoneunturned
06-10-2014, 10:02 PM
Everything is still going great, overall. My eating has been natural and I haven't had any urges to binge, so I feel really good and on track that way.

My biggest issue is I continue to count up calories. It's really annoying, and I need to stop, but I almost...can't. Like at the end of the day, I sit here and think of what I ate and just feel compelled to calculate it, make sure it's reasonable. See, this is where intuitive eating has always been a struggle for me. I'm fine eating intuitively and enjoying whatever I want and in turn not overeating or binging since I am satisfied. But then the weight loss component doesn't happen, since I will generally eat when I am hungry until I am full (not overstuffed) and by that point I have reached maintenance calories. How can one eat intuitively but lose weight? Intuitively, our bodies aren't going to want less food than we need (if that makes sense). Anyways. I'm trying not overthink things, but the counting thing just keeps getting to me but regardless I feel compelled since I worry that intuitive eating will lead to zero weight loss. What I really need to do is not overthink this, really.

Pattience
06-11-2014, 02:25 AM
Ok, no stone, if you want to lose weight but eat intuitively, try this new strategy that i have been practicing carefully for the last few days. Its a type of intuitive strategy but probably a bit more systematic than you have been doing and might take care of your tendency to count calories.

I'm not sure if you are food logging. If not, start doing that. This is the success diary that Dr Amanda Sainsbury Salis teaches in her books The don't go Hungry diet.

You log all your food for at least two weeks but up to 3 months is better.

You have a column before eating in which you rate your hunger and a column after eating in which you rate your satiety.

Here's the ratings list.

Hunger
-4 - ravenously hungry and I could eat anything right now
-3 - very hungry and i'd like to eat something substantial now
-2 - quite hungry and i'd like to eat something now, perhaps a snack or a light meal
-1 - a little bit hungry and i'd be comfortable to wait a while before eating.
0 - Not hungry and i'm not hungry at all.

Satiety
+1 unsatisfied - I still feel a bit hungry and i'd gladly eat something else right now
+2 just satisfied - My body is relaxed and comfortable and if i ate any more, I would still feel comfortable, but i don't need any more.
+3 Elegantly satisfied - My body is relaxed and comfortable and if i ate any more i would begin to feel over full.
+4 over satisfied - I know in my heart of hearts that i've eaten more than my body wants and i feel uncomfortable.

You will lose weight if you stop eating before you are full. But AIM FOR 2s and 3s in most of your meals.

Avoid and mimise the other ratings but obviously try to be accurate in your assessments. I am finding that doing this rating thing does alter how much i tend to put in my mouth.

Also do it with all intake of foods and drinks containing calories. This will help you decide whether you really need/want what you are about to put in your mouth. I have found that i'm snacking less between meals , even one fruit which i was starting to do quite a bit. and instead i'm trying to make sure that i feel right at the end of a meal.

I don't go back for seconds of a serving, i have something. different if i'm still a bit peckish. That way you can make sure your diet is varied and more nutritious. Join in on our meal threads in the food talk forum if you want to see how i do it. I find having courses (even if a course is a piece of fruit, or a single fig gives me plenty of time to assess if i really want/need another item)

Her second book (don't go hungry for lie) goes into considerable depth about how to use the rating system to ensure you lose weight while the first book gives a basic introduction. Ie if you are using the rating system religiously but not losing weight, she talks about going back and counting up the number of 4s or 1s or so on and this can help diagnose a problem. She has all these diagnostic tools to use. Such : Maybe its that you are allowing yourself to get really hungry too often. This leads to overeating when you do get around to it. Or maybe you leave the table still hungry and this leads to more and more snacking and ultimately overeating. Things like that. If for example you are not eating nutritiously enough you may find that your are hungry often and need to keep eating more than your body actually needs so then you should refine the types of foods you eat.

See how you go with just using the basic ratings with a food diary, weighing regularly and eating nutritious foods.

She doesn't even think its necessary to measure out food quantities. I like doing that so i continue to do it. I don't count calories. I like how this helps me stay conscious of not over eating, not eating until full and i'm interested to see if after two weeks of doing this if the scale goes down at all.



She says this is how you eat according to your bodies needs. She says if you have excess weight to lose, you will naturally end up eating what your body needs if you try to eat for the 2 and 3 ratings.

I think once learnt and internalised and seen how this works, it should really help alleviate that tendency to want to count calories or worry whether you are eating too much. I wrote a little about it on a thread called position sizes in the chatting section.

Wannabeskinny
06-11-2014, 09:12 AM
Everything is still going great, overall. My eating has been natural and I haven't had any urges to binge, so I feel really good and on track that way.

My biggest issue is I continue to count up calories. It's really annoying, and I need to stop, but I almost...can't. Like at the end of the day, I sit here and think of what I ate and just feel compelled to calculate it, make sure it's reasonable. See, this is where intuitive eating has always been a struggle for me. I'm fine eating intuitively and enjoying whatever I want and in turn not overeating or binging since I am satisfied. But then the weight loss component doesn't happen, since I will generally eat when I am hungry until I am full (not overstuffed) and by that point I have reached maintenance calories. How can one eat intuitively but lose weight? Intuitively, our bodies aren't going to want less food than we need (if that makes sense). Anyways. I'm trying not overthink things, but the counting thing just keeps getting to me but regardless I feel compelled since I worry that intuitive eating will lead to zero weight loss. What I really need to do is not overthink this, really.

The truth is that intuitive eating is not about weightloss, the goal is to neutralize your relationship with food. It does take time but weight loss happens sort of naturally and slowly. Slow weight loss is the best kind of weight loss by the way, it's the type of weight loss that stays off and allows your body to adjust along the way.

I'm always lamenting to my nutritional therapist about the slow weight loss with IE and while she understands she keeps pointing me in the direction of what's actually happening - it's been months since I've had a binge and that is something I never thought would be possible. Weightloss is a side effect of IE, it's not the primary goal. For someone who wants to lose weight I understand that it can be upsetting.

I know it's hard but as long as you continue to work in this way you will continue to make progress. I'm a classic case of IE. It took me a long time to stop mentally counting calories of all my meals, I still do it sometimes because that was my life before I did IE, I could win contests with my calorie counting skills lol. But it does get easier and simple and the more you get in tune with your body the more your body starts to trust you and tell you exactly what it needs.

But think about it, you haven't wanted to binge in a while. Isn't that huge? That's huge!

nostoneunturned
06-11-2014, 07:33 PM
The truth is that intuitive eating is not about weightloss, the goal is to neutralize your relationship with food. It does take time but weight loss happens sort of naturally and slowly. Slow weight loss is the best kind of weight loss by the way, it's the type of weight loss that stays off and allows your body to adjust along the way.

Sigh. Of course, you are right. That's what I should work on right there, is my lack of patience with the whole thing (and generally!). I just want it off now. :D But in the long run, I know those get-thin-quick schemes result in the opposite reaction. They've never worked for me or anyone I know, at least. But it's just more...exciting! Decreasing sizes every few weeks, hearing the compliments pour in, feeling that good buzz that it's happening right before your eyes. I miss that, but I don't want to do the rebound regain thing again, anymore.

But think about it, you haven't wanted to binge in a while. Isn't that huge? That's huge!

YEAH! That is huge. I had one weekend or day or whatever that went kind of haywire (the Great Pizza Incident of May) but otherwise my binging has remarkably declined. To almost NEVER. And this was my number one goal, to end those behaviors. So Great point :)

I'm not sure if you are food logging.

I don't food log, although I have in the past. It doesn't work for me, long run, and here's why. While it helps at first, being accountable, after awhile I start to feel confined. Or obligated may be a better word? Either way it becomes a chore, a tedium that I feel compelled to rebel against. Which is why dieting isn't the solution for me. Also accounting for every single thing I put in my mouth makes me think about food and eating way too much for me. I have a tendency to be obsessive (maybe some OCD in here, who knows) and I get competitive on top of that. Like if I eat 1300 calories one day, the next day, if I eat more then I feel like I didn't do as well. Which is dumb, but it's how I get to feeling. (That's why I don't like exercising formally, I get too crazy about performance and times and yada yada).

Anyways thanks for the suggestion but I won't log foods and emotions with it since it just further fuels an emotional connection with food. (Side note: I love Christopher Fairburn's book, Overcoming Binge Eating, but he suggests doing the same thing. There's got to be something to it, I just could never get it to work successfully.)

Pattience
06-11-2014, 08:32 PM
ok fair enough well maybe its not for you. but would it at least work to try to be more aware in the moment of your satiety and hunger?

Certainly remember that if you keep on eating your fruit and vegies and other nutritious foods, they will squeeze out your appetite for less nutritious foods.

In her books, Dr Amanda just gives a really nice description of our food compulsions and getting over them - the less highly processed foods you eat , the less you want them. I have certainly found this to be spot on truth. She doesn't advocate quitting things cold turkey or entirely and many people here say it doesn't work for them because it backfires but for me, not eating sweets anymore means i have zero interest or craving for them. I'm just loving my fruit and vegies and all the different things i can do with them. I'm loving not having to stuff myself. I'm loving my self disciple which is fairly easy since i do what i can to avoid getting hungry and no off plan ideas are cropping into my head at all. I know that my life is easier to avoid temptation than yours but i think the longer you go on with your current plan, the stronger you become, the more confident you become with it and the more committed you become to eating healthy all the time or almost all the time.

Binging is the pits. Food compulsions are the pits. Eating junk all the time is the pits.

When i get around to eating dessert next time, i want it to be amazing but i can wait for it.

Your journaling seems to be working for you. Sometimes rereading those books we love and found so inspiring can also be a good idea.

Wannabeskinny
06-11-2014, 11:09 PM
Sigh. Of course, you are right. That's what I should work on right there, is my lack of patience with the whole thing (and generally!). I just want it off now. :D But in the long run, I know those get-thin-quick schemes result in the opposite reaction. They've never worked for me or anyone I know, at least. But it's just more...exciting! Decreasing sizes every few weeks, hearing the compliments pour in, feeling that good buzz that it's happening right before your eyes. I miss that, but I don't want to do the rebound regain thing again, anymore. Yea but you know that feeling when you look great and then suddenly you start gaining weight and then you hear crickets? And nobody wants to ask you "hey are you putting on a few pounds again?" but you know they're all thinking it? Yeah that sucks doesn't it? The bottom line is that getting compliments and seeing whooshing numbers on a scale are all external validations. I've struggled with this a lot with my NT because I complain about the slow weight loss and she always points me internally, pay attention to the wonderful things that are happening on the inside like not feeling obsessed about food, not feeling anxiety about eating socially, not feeling apologetic about what I eat, not feeling guilty about what I eat, not binging, not being afraid of hunger etc... so much peace and good has come out of it that even if I don't lose a single pound from here on I'm happy with the changes that have come from the work I've done.



YEAH! That is huge. I had one weekend or day or whatever that went kind of haywire (the Great Pizza Incident of May) but otherwise my binging has remarkably declined. To almost NEVER. And this was my number one goal, to end those behaviors. So Great point :)



I don't food log, although I have in the past. It doesn't work for me, long run, and here's why. While it helps at first, being accountable, after awhile I start to feel confined. Or obligated may be a better word? Either way it becomes a chore, a tedium that I feel compelled to rebel against. Which is why dieting isn't the solution for me. Also accounting for every single thing I put in my mouth makes me think about food and eating way too much for me. I have a tendency to be obsessive (maybe some OCD in here, who knows) and I get competitive on top of that. Like if I eat 1300 calories one day, the next day, if I eat more then I feel like I didn't do as well. Which is dumb, but it's how I get to feeling. (That's why I don't like exercising formally, I get too crazy about performance and times and yada yada). Totally! Disordered eaters love to replace their disordered behaviors with other disordered behaviors. It's like giving yourself penance, logging foods can be obsessive for some people.

Anyways thanks for the suggestion but I won't log foods and emotions with it since it just further fuels an emotional connection with food. (Side note: I love Christopher Fairburn's book, Overcoming Binge Eating, but he suggests doing the same thing. There's got to be something to it, I just could never get it to work successfully.)

If you're an emotional eater like me then it's possible to start observing your eating patterns without necessarily writing them down. Look at your cravings curiously. Like if I get sudden craving to eat something I question it, did something stressful happen, am I anticipating a stressful situation coming up, did I get in a fight with someone, am I worrying about something, am I nervous, and I angry, am I overly tired? Sometimes that stops me from eating because I identify what's eating me. But sometimes I can't so I just go ahead and eat, I don't restrict myself from emotional eating. But I DO go back after I've eaten and ask myself those questions again and sometimes the answer is more apparent after I've eaten. Just by doing that you'll start to eliminate the need to eat emotionally.

nostoneunturned
06-18-2014, 08:25 PM
I have not been keeping up to date on here, but it's pretty much been steady-eddy throughout the last week. Sunday I ate excessively, due to anxiety, but I moved on from it pretty quickly and was feeling fine by Monday. I have lost 15 pounds so far as of this past weekend! That is one quarter of the way there :)

nostoneunturned
06-18-2014, 10:58 PM
Thanks Pattience! I appreciate your support :)

The book that I love (and don't own sadly, I just check it out from school library every semester LOL) is called Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Fairburn. U have not read The End of Overeating, but! I know it is highly recommended. Actually when I first picked up Overcoming Binge Eating, I thought it was the same book. I know others swear by The End of Overeating so if you read it and it's good, I will have to pick it up.

The other book that was great (in part, I didn't read the whole thing) was recommended by Pinkhippie upthread. It is an e-reader book (only, sadly) called Have your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too. I read the "sneak peek" chapters on Amazon and various synopses and wow, it really sparked a nerve in me! It's basically intuitive eating, I suppose, but the format of the "program" seems much simpler than what's laid out in Intuitive Eating (too many steps, etc). Basically eat whatever you want (no guilt) ONLY when you are hungry, truly hungry. I have been able to eat things I LOVE and normally binge on but now can stop when full and save the final portion. I'm not cured, it's a work in progress, but I feel like I'm really going in the right direction. Today I considered candy and couldn't even think of any that sounded good, LOL, I don't want everyday candy. I'd rather have gourmet stuff when I'm able. Snickers and Kitkats and Gummis just don't appeal the same way! SO I've been able to stay away from those foods, simply by knowing I CAN have them.

I've been managing anxiety by calling somebody to talk to, so pretty much what you do! They're not counselors, but friends/family are great for airing general daily stresses or even bigger worries. Like I said, SUnday was not such a great day, I was anxious about my upcoming move and juggling work while doing that. SO I did graze snack ALL day. I felt really awful, physically I mean. My stomach was just a mess. It wasn't really junk food (don't have much in the house) so just snacking on, like, baked chips, and string cheese and oatmeal. Too much is too much though!

Mrs Snark
06-19-2014, 09:15 AM
Congratulations on losing those 15 pounds, whoo hooooo!

Pinkhippie
06-19-2014, 01:28 PM
Thanks Pattience! I appreciate your support :)

The book that I love (and don't own sadly, I just check it out from school library every semester LOL) is called Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Fairburn. U have not read The End of Overeating, but! I know it is highly recommended. Actually when I first picked up Overcoming Binge Eating, I thought it was the same book. I know others swear by The End of Overeating so if you read it and it's good, I will have to pick it up.

The other book that was great (in part, I didn't read the whole thing) was recommended by Pinkhippie upthread. It is an e-reader book (only, sadly) called Have your Cake and Skinny Jeans Too. I read the "sneak peek" chapters on Amazon and various synopses and wow, it really sparked a nerve in me! It's basically intuitive eating, I suppose, but the format of the "program" seems much simpler than what's laid out in Intuitive Eating (too many steps, etc). Basically eat whatever you want (no guilt) ONLY when you are hungry, truly hungry. I have been able to eat things I LOVE and normally binge on but now can stop when full and save the final portion. I'm not cured, it's a work in progress, but I feel like I'm really going in the right direction. Today I considered candy and couldn't even think of any that sounded good, LOL, I don't want everyday candy. I'd rather have gourmet stuff when I'm able. Snickers and Kitkats and Gummis just don't appeal the same way! SO I've been able to stay away from those foods, simply by knowing I CAN have them.

I've been managing anxiety by calling somebody to talk to, so pretty much what you do! They're not counselors, but friends/family are great for airing general daily stresses or even bigger worries. Like I said, SUnday was not such a great day, I was anxious about my upcoming move and juggling work while doing that. SO I did graze snack ALL day. I felt really awful, physically I mean. My stomach was just a mess. It wasn't really junk food (don't have much in the house) so just snacking on, like, baked chips, and string cheese and oatmeal. Too much is too much though!

Wow that is awesome! It sounds like you are really doing so well. The mind is such a powerful thing. Like seriously I can be in the store and look at a candy bar and think about how I shouldn't have it and that I REALLY want it. So then I say, ok you can have it, do you want THIS candy bar or something else/ And then i totally lose interest and realize I don't actually want a candy bar. That happened yesterday so as you can see, I am still a work in progress also. Also sounds really great about managing your anxiety. That is so helpful. I think you basically summed up the skinny jeans book really. The only other thing I found helpful is she says just a 10 minute walk can boost your endorphins and if you do it on a regular basis, when you are sad or upset and want to eat a 10 minute walk can make you feel good enough to not want to. But, you have to do it when you feel good, not just when you feel upset. It is a great book though, I did mention you can get it in audiobook form didn't I? Looks like its about 25 bucks on her website. Have you checked out her website? She has some videos on there too that are helpful. Just google Josie Spinardi.

And congrats on your 15 pounds! That is awesome too. :)

nostoneunturned
06-21-2014, 08:22 PM
Thanks guys! I just updated my weight again- I gained a half pound in a week. Normally fluctuation then. I feel like I've been eating a bit more, no binges per se but just more snacking when I don't really feel hungry. So that has to stop!

I saw about the audiobook, Pinkhippie. I might have to get that although audiobooks historically are a struggle for me- I'm not an audio-type person, it's hard for me to sit still and just listen lol. But for that book, I might consider it.

nostoneunturned
06-21-2014, 08:30 PM
Thanks guys! I just updated my weight again- I gained a half pound in a week. Normally fluctuation then. I feel like I've been eating a bit more, no binges per se but just more snacking when I don't really feel hungry. So that has to stop!

I saw about the audiobook, Pinkhippie. I might have to get that although audiobooks historically are a struggle for me- I'm not an audio-type person, it's hard for me to sit still and just listen lol. But for that book, I might consider it.

Mrs Snark
06-25-2014, 10:53 AM
Knockety-knock! How's it going Nostone?