I hope you don't mind yet another introduction. My name is Heidi. I'm 32, mother of 2, and retired teacher. (hated that job!) I've been here several times, yet here I am again, under a new name to hide my shame and embarrassment.
I think I'm a food addict. I love to eat, and will eat no matter the time of day or how I feel. When I start to diet and think about denying myself a single thing, that is the thing my body will demand the most, and will eventually consume. That is why diets don't work for me.
I'm working on my addiction one day at a time. I feel like a drug addict, a smoker and alcoholic all in one. Just saying I will stop eating the wrong foods in huge amounts won't stop what I'm doing. I KNOW what to do, I've tried to stop over and over again, and through the years have come to this conclusion about myself. I need more than motivation. I need inner strength, major willpower, and a way to get past this horrible monster inside of me that won't let me make my own food choices. I hate that monster. He is very misguided and cruel.
If any of you have fought your addictions (the monster within), please let me know where to turn to next. I need a place to go here where everyone understands how I feel and how much pain I go through everyday. Is there such a place?
07-18-2003, 12:36 AM
I know how you feel. My weight recently got somewhere about 350 (I don't know exactly how much I did weight, the scale only went to 350). I was miserable. My whole body was bloated. I didn't want to do and sometimes couldn't do anything. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in March. That was my wake up call. I knew at that point I was going to have to stop shoveling in the food or I was going to die. So it was like I had to stomp on the brakes and STOP. Since March I have lost at least 14 lbs (last weigh-in at doc's was in May). I'm sure I lost a lot more. I have been limiting my carbs to 210 grams per day (I went to a diabetic educator and this was she told me to do). I have not had an entire bottle of real Coke/Pepsi since March. I have not bought or eaten any candy bars. I have indulged in ice cream, however. I realize now that I have to eat to be healthy. I do not want to lose my legs and/or feet and toes. I do not want to go blind. I do not want to wind up on dialysis.
You have to decide what you want. I don't know if it is still there, but on Dr. Phil's website there was something about weight loss (he did a show on this probably a month ago). He asks you why do you want to stay overweight, what are you getting out of it, you have to find steps that will help you be successful at losing weight, etc.
I have learned that I have eaten enough sweets in my lifetime; I don't have to have them every time I want them. Hershey's is not going to go out of business just because I don't eat their candy.
It depends on you, but you know that, right?
Just search around in the threads, and I'm sure you will find the right place for you.
07-18-2003, 04:23 AM
Welcome back Heidi :wave: . No need for embarrassment here the main thing is that you come back time and time again which means you WANT to make a change for the better.
I am a fellow food addict. I am a self-described "sneak eater" and sometimes go on binges where I'll eat something that's in the house until it's all gone--unbeknownst to my husband or rest of the family. It feels good while I'm doing it but I feel miserable afterwards, not to mention I gain a few pounds because of it. I totally understand your pain. Maybe you need to have a change of mindset. Don't look at it as a "diet", but rather change your eating habits for life. I know it sounds cliche but if it's going to last, it's got to be a lifestyle change. I have certain foods that I absolutely can not resist and what's helped me is just not having them in the house.
I started on this journey in late Oct. 2002 and had lost about 42 lbs, but within the past 4 mos, I've been yo-yoing with the same 5-7 lbs. I'm not following any specific plan, just watching my fat grams and total calorie count. This is what works for me. I post on the Weighty Issues thread over on the support forum. We're a bunch of ladies of similar ages and all different stages of weight loss. Come and give us a shout, we'd love to hear from you. Good luck on your journey.
07-18-2003, 01:26 PM
Great responses from the others!
Not to get all Dr. Phil on you or anything, since one of the others mentioned him, too, but what is your pay-off for staying fat? Figure out what that is, deal with it, and you will find the way to stay on a lifetime weight loss plan. I'm still working on mine, but have made great strides once I got serious about it. I was using food as a balm, a soother of all emotions. You have to find out what your own pay-off is, no one can do that for you. What we CAN do, is be your friend while you are on this journey, and help you along the way. Besides the thread mentioned above, feel free to jump in at the July Jaded Ladies, but be warned that it is a crazy bunch. :D
Hope to see you there! :wave:
07-18-2003, 01:42 PM
I was like you, just comfortable, and I have a love for food too, I battle it every single day. I guess I finally got to the point, after 5 years, that I wanted it bad enough. Enough not to make excuses to myself, or to anyone else. No excuses! sacrifice! I became totally motivated one day, and I can't explain how I did it really. After I saw results, 3 pounds the first week, 3 the next, etc., buying smaller clothes, and having to get smaller and smaller one's each time I buy clothes... it feels so good, that now when I am in a battle with the pantry, I think about the pants I want at the Gap , the size 4's, or the way I love that pair of jeans in my closet so much I love the way they fit, and I don't want to grow out of them ever! I think getting the initial motivation is the hardest, once you get it, and see how good it feels, and can hold onto that feeling, you will be able to fight it a little easier.
welcome back, I am new here myself recently, and I love it here, this place brings me even more motivation. :)
07-18-2003, 01:46 PM
Hey Heidi! Welcome back, but first and foremost, no shame - no guilt. I would hazard a guess that just about everyone on this site has fallen off the wagon more than once, and you know what? We just suck it up, talk it out, and get back on plan again. I too am a sneak eater, I love ice cream and chocolate. I'm 42, have two kids, and it was just in February that I finally realized I didn't want to live like that anymore.
A lot of us medicate with food. I personally don't like the semantics of Dr. Phil - to me he speaks like someone who has never battled any addiction, never mind being overweight. But the addiction is real, the self medicating is real, it's complicated sometimes, and yet it is so very simple. And it can be frustrating, I know. But you are NOT alone, and no one here expects you to be perfect or to never slip up. Some of us slip in major ways, for major periods of time. But like you, we come back for help, for a kick in the ***, for understanding, for whatever it will take for us to understand ourselves and change our lifestyles.
The next time you feel like you "failed" and you can't bear to come here... come here anyway!!! 'Fess up, clean the slate, and try again. Because the only failure is in not trying. :grouphug:
07-18-2003, 01:49 PM
plus , typing on keyboard = hands aren't free to eat :D
07-18-2003, 02:39 PM
Oh Heidi dear, you are so very close! Why so down on yourself? You should be patting yourself on the back. 170 to 145! Wonderful!
Good Job on your success, just keep doing it one dy at a time. I recommend taking a good honest look at yourself, really. It might be that you cannot see how great you look.
:cp: :cb: :hat: :encore:
07-18-2003, 03:11 PM
Im just like you Heidi in the food addiction aspect. I lost about 95lbs in 2 years. However i find myself falling back. Its so very scary...and i hate myself for slipping up. I am trying like you to figure out how to get back on the track. Im feeling very disappointed in myself for going back out of control. However my disappointment in myself is not helping the situation. So i am glad you started this thread because it was great to read helpful suggestions.
People dont realize the addiction to food. How powerful it is. That bothers me sometimes. I havent been around her much lately but i am going to start hanging out on this board more often cause i need help from people who understand the process and mind set.
07-18-2003, 03:33 PM
Heidi, you are my exact size! I started out at 165, and I now 124, and trying to hit 120.. my first goal was 145. Feel free to PM me anytime if you like =)
07-18-2003, 06:10 PM
Thanks everyone, for all your help.
I started taking a Rx appetite supressant in November and it worked great, at first. I got down to 139 lbs by April. 31 lbs gone! The pill was great. It really helped me stop wanting to eat all the time. I could go from dinner till bedtime without eating anything. For me, that is huge. I loved the feeling it gave me, like a sense of control. I wasn't constantly thinking about what I was going to eat next. I could eat or not eat. No more deep down in the pit of my stomache, gut wrenching, heart pounding, half to eat something good now or I'm going to die feelings. I finally felt normal.
I had to stop because it was causing me to lose sleep. I had to take 2 sleeping pills a night just to fall asleep. That didn't mean I slept all night long. I would usually wake up around midnight, holding my chest and gasping for breath. A miserable feeling. Like I was having attacks. I had to stop taking the pill, and here I am out of control again. The old me is back, and I'm miserable being me again. I don't want to think about food 24/7. I wish I could feel normal again, but that is impossible, I know. Pills are not healthy, but man, I was losing weight there at the beginning, and I loved how I looked! I love the compliments, and do not look forward to everyone seeing me gaining all the weight back. I feel horrible about letting my addiction get the best of me. I want to stop feeling this way, I do! I want to make the right choices and just do it! (without pills) But I always end up going to bed after eating way too much, knowing deep down in my heart that I did try my best. If I always do my best, when can I do better?
I hope I make sense to somebody.
07-18-2003, 07:37 PM
i can sooooo relate. i am obviously in love with food, and while not proud of it, it's a sad truth, because i have been on every plan imaginable and lost with each one, loved how i felt while i was doing it, but chose to let myself slip and go the other direction. it makes me nuts, i scratch my head and wonder how i can go from writing down EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth for weeks on end, to one day eating not 1 but 4 pieces of pizza, that's insanity!!!! :shrug: it's true what you said though, we know WHAT to do, i guess for me though, it's finding the strength to do it. so, i apologize---i obviously am not the motivator of the group, as you can see, i am still trying to find my way. :-) best of luck to you though.
07-18-2003, 07:53 PM
hmmm, well I don't have the best suggestions either.. haha. and I need to follow my own advice a lot of the time. Sometimes what works for me is when I get food in my mind, I drink water, and then more water. Sometimes this backfires though, and whatever I am craving will eat at me and eat at me, until I break down and stuff it in my mouth while no one is looking. I have also found that keeping busy helps me a lot too. when I am sitting there and thinking about food, chocolate, ice cream, popcorn, candy, etc., I get up and clean. I have 2 kids and a husband, so there is plenty to do around here at all times! So sometimes if I get off my butt and just organize and clean, a few hours go by, and I find out that I forgot about that ice cream bar in the freezer, for the time being anyways. If there is nothing to do around here, I force myself to get on my treadmill, or sit in the bathtub and relax.
I know what you mean though, you hit it on the head. I too have been 130'ish for 8 months now, and I love running into people who haven't seen me in a while, ohhh the compliments. and to think how I would feel if I gained it back, what everyone would think and say. it's my worst fear, all I think about, besides food.
keep talking about it, just typing this out has prompted me to go put away laundry and mop the kitchen floor.. hehe :)