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GlamourGirl827
04-07-2014, 06:05 PM
I think I'm dealing with a one-upper. I'm not sure so I don't want to say anything. A family member of mine got into running because I run. She started about a month ago. So we have been sharing our daily runs with each other via a private facebook group. It seemed like a great way to motivate, congratulate and encourage each other. Only I started noticing that whatever my time or distance, she would one up me. If she were healthier than me I'd just assume her fitness level were naturally better, but she is considerably heavier than me, and doesn't exercise until now, and only does just enough to beat me.

She will literally run 0.1 miles longer and/or 0.1 point faster on the treadmill than me. I do my runs in the AM, so it was like she waited for me to share, to beat it and she doesn't run until later in the day. I made a jump in distance today, and she did the same and did it 0.1 miles longer!

Last week I ran at a speed, and she said she runs easily at that speed plus 0.1...and one day we had a nearly identical run, and she added she did it at an incline (she knows I don't incline the treadmill)

Ok so the obvious answer is don't post my runs until later in the day. I was doing that for a few days then today I was thinking I was being silly and posted my run from this morning which was much longer that what I had been doing and so longer than what she was doing. I swear I could suddenly run 10 miles tomorrow and she would run 10.1, DESPITE the fact that she's run 2 milers all week.

Its kind of wow though, because she went from being sedentary to running what has taken me a few months to get to. I have invited her our to run together and so far she declines. I don't think she is lying about the treadmill because what would she gain from that? I'm going to try to ignore it, and just go about my business, though I have to admit it kind of takes the fun out of sharing this interest with her.

I have to clarify, this is not competition, where we are competing, or we've set up goals for us to strive for. No. This is me posting the stats to a run, and her then beating that, whatever that entails. Its no fun for me, because I'm not running with a competition or goal to beat in mind. I just run and she sets that as her bar to beat. She did say one time that I did a fast run, that I've set the bar high. I don't think she realizes that what she's doing isn't competition, its one upping.

I guess I'm just venting here, because I want to talk about it and I don't want to say anything to her. Its good to see her having a healthy interest and I'm not going to go rain on that. I'm going to go back to posting my runs late in the day. Too bad it has to go down like that.

I should add that she told me that she visited her best friend last night and was happy to see she got fat...this is her "best" friend she's talking about...So I wonder if she takes pleasure is "beating" me more than a healthy competition...


alaskanlaughter
04-07-2014, 06:24 PM
i think you are taking the right approach, to leave her be and simply post your stats later in the day....me, on the other hand, would be soooooo tempted to post something extreme like "i ran 6 miles today instead of 1 and really pushed myself" and then sit back and wait for her to post something obviously similar like "i ran 6.1 miles today, what a coincidence" LOL

MauiKai
04-07-2014, 08:27 PM
She sounds terribly toxic.


ChickieChicks
04-07-2014, 09:05 PM
It doesn't seem toxic to me at all. Not necessary AWESOME, but is it really harmful? You both are trying to get healthier. If she is using your times/distance as extra motivation, why not? Would it make you feel better if you had days where you outrun her, because I'm not sure what the big deal is. It seems like you have an awful lot of "toxic" people in your life. Maybe you are a wee bit sensitive to these things? Just something to think about.

LRH
04-07-2014, 09:15 PM
You say it's not a competition, but obviously, it is exactly that for your family member. Now you know what she's like. I see it come down to two choices for you: accept it, as she won't likely change or if it bothers you, stop posting. Congratulations on your running. Keep up the good work!

GlamourGirl827
04-07-2014, 09:19 PM
It doesn't seem toxic to me at all. Not necessary AWESOME, but is it really harmful? You both are trying to get healthier. If she is using your times/distance as extra motivation, why not? Would it make you feel better if you had days where you outrun her, because I'm not sure what the big deal is. It seems like you have an awful lot of "toxic" people in your life. Maybe you are a wee bit sensitive to these things? Just something to think about.

Or you know, I come here to vent, so I don't post about all the normal positive people. Besides, I didn't use the word toxic. The odd part is I don't recognize your screen name. I see you're not new...but you've made no impression on me that I remember you. But seems you remember me...I didn't think I was that important, but thanks!

GlamourGirl827
04-07-2014, 09:21 PM
She sounds terribly toxic.

Well, I wouldn't want to give people the wrong impression by agreeing, but yes, she has some issues. Because she's family, I ignore it. Meaning I wouldn't point it out to her. Besides its easily solved.

GlamourGirl827
04-07-2014, 09:23 PM
You say it's not a competition, but obviously, it is exactly that for your family member. Now you know what she's like. I see it come down to two choices for you: accept it, as she won't likely change or if it bothers you, stop posting. Congratulations on your running. Keep up the good work!

Thank you. Yeah, I figure days its more under my skin, I'll just post later in the day. Days I don't give a hoot, I'll just post in the AM and whatever happens happens. I just don't get that kind of mentality, but there's a lot of things people do that I don't get.

CherryPie99
04-07-2014, 09:44 PM
I'd like to think I'd be better then this, but in reality I'd probably do something like post "I ran 3.4 miles" and then when she posted that she ran 3.5 I'd be like "Oh dang! I hit the wrong key - I actually ran 3.7!!!" and see what she does...

IAmTheGlue
04-07-2014, 10:18 PM
Or, just to mess with her, leave out your period. I ran 35 miles today instead of 3.5. lol When she puts 35.1 you could be like "Wow, that is crazy, you should take it a little easier." :P

There are just people who are like that. I've never had one in my life but I can imagine it would make you freaking nuts.

MauiKai
04-07-2014, 10:39 PM
Well, I wouldn't want to give people the wrong impression by agreeing, but yes, she has some issues. Because she's family, I ignore it. Meaning I wouldn't point it out to her. Besides its easily solved.


I cannot tolerate people who exhibit this sort of behavior. They can never be happy for you, or support you, if all they are going to do is try to "beat you" at whatever it is. "Friends" (or family) are supposed to support/care about/want the best for you, not just one up you.

Paulitens
04-07-2014, 11:48 PM
i think you are taking the right approach, to leave her be and simply post your stats later in the day....me, on the other hand, would be soooooo tempted to post something extreme like "i ran 6 miles today instead of 1 and really pushed myself" and then sit back and wait for her to post something obviously similar like "i ran 6.1 miles today, what a coincidence" LOL

I was thinking just the same! Hahahaha!

Ignore her. People who don't uplift you just pull you down, and when we're trying to have a healthier lifestyle we don't need people pulling us down.

GlamourGirl827
04-08-2014, 06:17 AM
Thank you all for your replies. Depending on my mood, it can be very annoying or not so much. I'm generally a competitive person, so I do like the idea of use competing in a friendly way. But one upping is annoying as it is not a competition for me, but rather being shown up daily. I think it doesn't help that I know that she gets pleasure from her "best" friend doing poorly.

Its a looooong story but her and I were close growing up and I distanced myself a few years back because of these toxic behaviors, but I really thought she had changed. She's been through a lot the past few years and it seemed that she was going into a better place mentally. I believe people can change. But as we have started spending time together again, I am starting to see that she is still the same person BUT she is family so no fall-outs here, I'll probably just distance myself again slowly. :(

I'm going to run now, and not post it until tonight lol

Wannabeskinny
04-08-2014, 09:04 AM
Or you know, I come here to vent, so I don't post about all the normal positive people. Besides, I didn't use the word toxic. The odd part is I don't recognize your screen name. I see you're not new...but you've made no impression on me that I remember you. But seems you remember me...I didn't think I was that important, but thanks!

You just one-upped ChickieChicks. And you react so vehemently to the slightest criticism.

Anyone who posts private information in a public format sends an open invitation for other opinions. It's an odd practice if you can't handle criticism. Growing a thicker skin and letting things roll of your back would serve you much better than this. Why can't you take it as a compliment that she's trying to be like you? But if you really want to be mean post maniacally low numbers and then she won't have much to strive for.

Munchy
04-08-2014, 01:19 PM
I would probably just stop posting my runs. They don't seem to benefit anyone, to be honest.

GlamourGirl827
04-08-2014, 02:00 PM
You just one-upped ChickieChicks. And you react so vehemently to the slightest criticism.

Anyone who posts private information in a public format sends an open invitation for other opinions. It's an odd practice if you can't handle criticism. Growing a thicker skin and letting things roll of your back would serve you much better than this. Why can't you take it as a compliment that she's trying to be like you? But if you really want to be mean post maniacally low numbers and then she won't have much to strive for.

Do you get personal satisfaction from being like this? I just wonder...it must be a unsettling approach to life and friendships. There's no denying that I can be snarky when someone annoys me, but you seem to go out of your way to be disagreeable. I imagine that's very exhausting. And I'm speaking from reading plenty of your posts...because you are someone I remember...because it seems you are frequently disagreeable, or must point out the opposing view, or play devils advocate. I'm just saying if you are like that in real life, it can really put others off. If its just a 3FC thing, then keep keeping on I guess...

GlamourGirl827
04-08-2014, 02:03 PM
I would probably just stop posting my runs. They don't seem to benefit anyone, to be honest.

yeah that's what I've decided to do...the solution was simple. Just came here to vent, and attract argumentative people apparently.

EagleRiverDee
04-08-2014, 04:15 PM
I would take it as a compliment. It appears she is utilizing your exercise stats as a measure for how much she should do. Just congratulate her on her efforts. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

krampus
04-08-2014, 04:55 PM
Kill her with kindness.

^ This is the answer to pretty much every interpersonal problem ever, really.

GlamourGirl827
04-08-2014, 06:07 PM
Kill her with kindness.

^ This is the answer to pretty much every interpersonal problem ever, really.

I know....I've done a lot of growing over the years, but I seriously struggle with this. I keep rationalizing it like mean people are like dogs. If every time your dog bit you, you were kind to it, rubbed his belly and said "good boy!" not only would he never learn to not bite, but he would be getting positive feedback for a negative behavior. I struggle with "rewarding" nasty people with kindness. I'm not saying my family member is being nasty, because really she's not. But generally speaking, my knee jerk reaction to mean people is to be mean back. The dog analogy might be poor, because truthfully the dog is not biting to be malicious and to hurt people's feelings or take out his own mal-adjusted emotional immaturity, but I see mean people as miserable people just out to make others miserable, because it makes them feel better....which is why I'm suppose to be kind..but its so hard...

carabelle11
04-08-2014, 06:13 PM
It does sound like one upping. I agree with your approach;post later in the day. Make sure to still encourage her though since you are further on your journey.

Wannabeskinny
04-08-2014, 06:19 PM
People do not respond the same way as dogs do. If they did then the analogy would make sense. But you can't teach other people how to act, unless they are your own children or unless you are close enough with them to have constant communication about behaviors that bother you. But in this case or in every case, people do not feel they are either punished or rewarded by how you react to them. Your reaction to another person is not for their benefit, but for your own. Try not to judge her or feel put off by her own actions, it's bringing you down for no reason. What possible effect could her running distances have on you other than to annoy you?

If I post something on facebook and someone repeatedly responds in an annoying manner then I blame myself, don't post anymore - problem solved. I can't teach the other people not to be annoying, I don't have the time or responsibility to do that.

I don't get any satisfaction from being "like this" whatever that means. I just thought it was rude and uncalled for to tell ChickieChicks that she made no impression on you. This is the internet, you can't expect to know everyone, but telling someone they're inconsequential when they took the time to post their genuine opinion on a matter for which you asked advice is mean imo.

There's more to be gained by being compassionate than by being mean.

EagleRiverDee
04-08-2014, 06:26 PM
I must concur. If mean people were dogs, I'd absolutely agree you don't reward bad behavior. But mean people are often:
-Having a bad day. Maybe they got fired. Maybe their mom died.
-misunderstood- maybe they have no idea what they sounded like.
-Reacting to the person they spoke to before you- not fair, but it happens.
-Depressed.
You don't owe a mean person squat. But...kindness breeds kindness, just as meanness breeds meanness. You could respond to a mean person by being mean, and you'd have every right. But you could also respond by being kind, and then that might change their entire day. They might then be kind to the next person, and boom- an explosion of kindness. :)

Inkrid
04-08-2014, 07:40 PM
Change it up:

Why don't you not post for a week ~ then post the running results OF the week ~ and where/what streets you ran. Leave the number out of it ;)

One time post: "No running today but did This exercise video."

Then: "Ran the usual."

Or: "Pedometer lost. Ran where the Spirit moved me!"

Then: Post immediately after she posts.

Good Luck!