General chatter - Does your current boyfriend/husband know about ex?




hhm6
03-31-2014, 06:07 PM
Hi everyone!

So a friend and I were talking the other day, and she wanted my advice on something and I don't really know how to respond. I haven't had much experience with boyfriends, so maybe some of you can chime in.

So she has a boyfriend now (they recently became official) and her bday is next weekend so he's finally going to meet her circle of friends. The thing is one of her friends is an ex-boyfriend of hers, does she have to tell her current boyfriend this? They're still fairly close (her and the ex-bf) and have a lot of history together, so she feels like she has to tell her current boyfriend, but doesn't want him to feel awkward after he finds out.

I told her it isn't something I would bring up, but then she mentioned she doesn't want him finding out for someone else, but would it even matter if they haven't been together (it's been two years now) ? The other guy is single right now too. I don't really know what to tell her now. I have had one bf so this situation has never come up lol.

I always thought the topic of ex's is a no-no with new relationships, but maybe I'm wrong, any advice on what to do in this situation?


PUPMOM5
03-31-2014, 06:33 PM
I would tell him about the ex as casually as I could - otherwise, it might seem like she's hiding it or that it's not innocent.

How would she feel if the tables were turned?

CanadianCutie
03-31-2014, 06:44 PM
Yeah, he needs to know.


alaskanlaughter
03-31-2014, 06:53 PM
He needs to know, especially since it's within a close circle of friends. It's not some ex on the other coast or something....If the tables were turned, she would want to know that one of his close pals is an ex...I would mention it casually BEFORE they meet with the group of friends.

As I was getting to know my now-DH he was aware of my ex-husband who I still had close ties with and also another ex-bf who had moved out of the area. I thought it only fair to disclose those things ahead of time.

hhm6
04-01-2014, 01:15 AM
Thank you all for the responses! and wow I'm glad I asked a different opinion because I didn't even think about it the other way. I will definitely pass on the advice :)

..and I completely agree, I'm sure she would want to know about his ex's as well!

nelie
04-01-2014, 10:11 AM
Yes, basically people will chit chat about things and most likely something will come up that refers to her ex as being her ex in front of her boyfriend... so would she rather tell him or would she rather he find out? I am guessing she'd rather tell him.

Psychic
04-01-2014, 11:29 AM
If I was her, I would tell my boyfriend. He's bound to find out eventually and if it doesn't come from her, he might question her loyalty due to keeping it a secret. I thoroughly believe that you can continue being friends with your exes. She needs to tell her current boyfriend and explain that they're just friends and that the feeling is mutual both ways. Hiding this past relationship would only make things worse.

My boyfriend knows I'm still really close to at least 3 of my ex boyfriends and that I still talk in passing to 2 others. He is very understanding of this because I told him upfront about it.

kaplods
04-01-2014, 12:08 PM
I always thought the topic of ex's is a no-no with new relationships, but maybe I'm wrong, any advice on what to do in this situation?

This is a good rule of thumb for very early in a relationship, especially a first date or two, however if your ex is still a good friend, that changes the situation considerably for the reasons already mentioned.

Casually identifying or mentioning an ex, isn't really a big deal, in my opinion, but when talking about your ex(es) becomes a common topic, that's where it gets creepy.

When my husband and I met, he talked way too much about his ex-fiancee and her kids. The break up was sudden and shocking and only 3 months old when we met. He was obviously in rebound.

I cut him a lot of slack, but it was almost a dealbreaker for me. For the first month of our relationship, we spent a lot of time together, but it was starting to look like we'd end up platonic friends. His ex-talk played a big role in that.

If we didn't have so much in common, or if we hadn't hit it off immediately as friends, I don't think it would have worked out for us.

Because of the disrespectful and unnecessarily dramatic way his ex dumped him and because there were kids involved, I cut now-hubby extra slack, but kept the relationship platonic until I felt he was truly ready to move on.

Romance guidelines are great, but there are always exceptions.

Munchy
04-01-2014, 12:46 PM
If I was her, I would tell my boyfriend. He's bound to find out eventually and if it doesn't come from her, he might question her loyalty due to keeping it a secret. I thoroughly believe that you can continue being friends with your exes. She needs to tell her current boyfriend and explain that they're just friends and that the feeling is mutual both ways. Hiding this past relationship would only make things worse.

My boyfriend knows I'm still really close to at least 3 of my ex boyfriends and that I still talk in passing to 2 others. He is very understanding of this because I told him upfront about it.

Yep. I casually dated two different people that my friends ended up really liking, so now they're at every party and they see my friends more than I do! It's okay, no biggie - I told my boyfriend and that was that.

EagleRiverDee
04-02-2014, 04:37 PM
I would say she should come clean on this because the guy is still in her life. Let's say her BF finds out from someone else- he's going to wonder if she's hiding it because she still has something going on with the ex. I am friends with an ex and my DH is fine with that friendship and we often go out with my ex on activities and sometimes double-date with him.

Amy8888
04-03-2014, 01:20 PM
Yes, in this specific situation it is something I would share even early in the relationship. You're not supposed to talk endlessly about your ex in any relationship, I would think, but when your current partner is coming face to face with an ex, they should be prepared in case anything weird comes up.

I've been married almost 10 years now and things will occasionally come up about our exes--often a funny story or something like that. But DH and I both had long-term relationships before we met each other and like it or not, that shapes your perspective when it comes to relationships. Sometimes it is good to know where the other person is coming from, but we don't dwell on our past.

rebekim
06-03-2014, 10:03 AM
Yes, he knows :D

Wannabehealthy
07-05-2014, 01:31 PM
My husband goes on and on about my ex-fiance from 40 years ago! LOL That guy what just a security cushion and that's why I didn't marry him. But the guy from the past who was the one big love of my life is someone we run into all the time, and DH doesn't know about him. Thinks his wife was a friend of mine.

PatLib
07-05-2014, 04:14 PM
Yeah, he needs to know mostly because she is still friends with the ex and they have mutual friends. Not telling seems strange to me. Plus, the current boyfriend's reaction will tell her A LOT about his personality.

waistmanagement
07-15-2014, 11:43 PM
Less history, more mystery is what I go bye.
However that being said, I think you can't be friends with an ex unless it was a verrrrry long time ago and both parties are involved or have made zero sexual advances and flirting is completely off limits. I am not in contact with many of my exs by choice because I wouldn't appreciate it if my boyfriend was. My current boyfriend was texting his ex when we first started dating, he was honest who she was. I told him nicely that I didn't care for it, and he respectfully obliged. I am not typically jealous, but my last ex was cheating on me with his ex gf and ultimately left to be with her. Put yourself in the other person shoes, every case and relationship is different!

MiZTaCCen
07-26-2014, 08:02 AM
My boyfriend know's about two of my ex's. One who is my highschool sweetheart who is married to my highschool bestfriend and my Zoo co-worker. He knows I'm friends with them but they live across the country and if we both go to visit my family he will meet them.

As for the ex who completely ripped out my heart...he doesn't really know much about him and very little details. I haven't spoken about him because I'm over the situation and I've moved on, it honestly took me almost 4 years to move on that I'm officially drained and tired of talking about it. As for me knowing about his ex...yes and he broke the rule of talking about her way too much until one day I said "Clearly you're not over the situation that happened because if you were you'd stop talking about." We bantered back and forth, he said he was I said he wasn't etc... and all of a sudden he stopped bringing her up. When he does bring her up on occasion I tell him to hush up and move on because he's with me.

For your friend, I do hope she told him before meeting her circle of friends so he wasn't blind sided. I'd be pretty pissed showing up at my boyfriends party and running into an ex who is going to be there and not being told.