100 lb. Club - Off-topic, but would love advice




View Full Version : Off-topic, but would love advice


LaurieDawn
03-31-2014, 11:59 AM
I am having some issues with my fiance, and I just wanted to approach the collective, anonymous wisdom on here.

My fiance has a friend that he has known for six years. They call each other "best friends" and have been there for each through some very difficult times. He has no other friends, and I recognize how important this relationship is to him. However, his behavior in relation to her drives me crazy. He lies for her to me about things that are not important. The one time I expressed concern over something she had done to me, he defended her, then went and reported everything I had said to her (with exaggeration), which led to a drunken crazy text from her to me that indicated all of the decisions in her relationship with him were hers alone. He has told me that she is more important to him than I am, though usually he just says we are "equally" important, and he shouldn't have to prioritize one over the other.

On the other hand, she has not really had an impact on my relationship with him. I rarely see her or communicate with her. He is really good to me and for me. We rarely fight. Frankly, despite her protestations, she seems to have very little real interest in him. (I would never tell him that this is my impression, though, because I have no intention of hurting him.) I was FB friends with her, and she seems to be the definition of narcissism. She treats her husband, her children, and her friends as supporting characters in her life, and I have yet to see her have any real concern for them beyond how they are specifically affecting her life. They see each other maybe twice a month for lunch, when it's convenient for her, and they no longer work together. This is the only real sticking point I have with him, but their relationship is, in my mind, inappropriate. Yet, he needs friends, and this is the only one he has.

Any feedback would be appreciated.


Trazey34
03-31-2014, 01:18 PM
Sorry, I'm old school I guess, but this would be a deal breaker for me.

I always think, no matter how mad or sad or lonely my husband feels, no matter how much I'm driving him batty at a certain point, there's no way if he's hanging out with his friend BOB that their eyes are going to meet over a slice of pizza and they'll drop to the floor and start going at it HAHA!!!

I know a lot of people say the old "you have to trust them" and of course I do, it's just that I'm not stupid. I have insurance on my car, not because I think I'll have an accident, but because it's SMART, and 'just in case'.

Cheating possibilities aside, if my husband ever told me a friend was more important to him than me, I wouldn't have married him

seaurchin
03-31-2014, 06:50 PM
OMG, the minute he would have told me that she was more important would have been the minute I would have said good by. YOU deserve better than that. I may be old school too, but I think that you deserve total devlotion from a man you are about to marry.


Elladorine
03-31-2014, 07:56 PM
Cheating possibilities aside, if my husband ever told me a friend was more important to him than me, I wouldn't have married him
^Agreed.

Arctic Mama
03-31-2014, 11:10 PM
I'm with Trazey on this, and yes I'm old fashioned too, but that's a deal breaker for me. Not only do we not have friends of the opposite sex who aren't friends with both of us, but nobody, including our siblings, parents, and even our own children, are more important to us than one another. We're one flesh and strive to keep it that way.

That doesn't mean we don't have trusted friends to confide in and get (sound) advice from, but those friends are the ones who love us, pray for us, and give counsel for how to keep unity and intimacy in our marriage and not seek to divide us and cause strife. Any lying or misdirection from a spouse/ partner is a big red flag to me.

I wish I had easier advice, but I'd take this very, very seriously :(

LaurieDawn
04-01-2014, 12:00 AM
<deep, deep breath>

Thank you for the very frank advice. It's a lot to consider. Having been in a really rough marriage, I tend to compare this relationship to the marriage, and it is 100 times better. That doesn't mean that I should accept something that I know is not okay.

Arctic Mama
04-01-2014, 02:03 AM
Remember, too, that we're strangers on the Internet and don't know your fiancÚ or the situation first hand. It is entirely possible you're seeing things we are not and are in a much better position to judge what is going on than our very general advice.

I wish you the very best in this and much wisdom in how your proceed :grouphug:

canadjineh
04-01-2014, 02:20 AM
I'm with Trazey on this, and yes I'm old fashioned too, but that's a deal breaker for me. Not only do we not have friends of the opposite sex who aren't friends with both of us, but nobody, including our siblings, parents, and even our own children, are more important to us than one another. We're one flesh and strive to keep it that way.

That doesn't mean we don't have trusted friends to confide in and get (sound) advice from, but those friends are the ones who love us, pray for us, and give counsel for how to keep unity and intimacy in our marriage and not seek to divide us and cause strife. Any lying or misdirection from a spouse/ partner is a big red flag to me.

I wish I had easier advice, but I'd take this very, very seriously :(

So totally this^^^^
I have been married for 32 years and we are each other's best friend. That doesn't mean we don't have other very close friends, but it does mean that not hurting our spouse comes FIRST. If you are feeling uncomfortable it is a signal. One to pay attention to. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to discuss the situation calmly together without pointing fingers and perhaps agree to get some counseling together.

Hoping for the best for you...:hug:

yoyoma
04-01-2014, 06:13 AM
Here's a study that might interest you.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

You have to do what you feel is right for you in your situation. I think that in a long-running monogamous relationship, it's natural that there will be some side interests as long as they are not acted upon. The biggest concern I have is that he put such a high priority on her that he would tell you that she was more important to him than you are.