General chatter - Mixed Feelings After Reading Facebook




doingmybest
03-20-2014, 05:10 AM
I have been looking up people from my past on Facebook. I happened to find the FB postings of people that went to grade school with me and I found myself feeling very sad for a few days, which really surprised me.

In grade school, I was severely bullied for being overweight. The boys wanted nothing to do with me and many girls made fun of me and excluded me from parties and other fun activities. Now on Facebook, they all reminisce about all of the fun they had and how much their friendships meant to each other. I know how postings on Facebook are often portrayed to be happier than reality, but it still hurts me that most of the kids would not give me the time of day, because of my weight. My parents and siblings also offered no support so I had a very lonely time as a kid.

I feel ridiculous for feeling sad about something that happened a very long time ago; I am way too old to waste time thinking about it. But it would have meant the world to me if I could have been included. I feel that I really missed out on some very special experiences and they missed out on a good friend.

I am glad that they had good memories of their childhood and very happy that they formed lifelong friendships. Many of them have gone on to do amazing things, and I find myself genuinely happy for them. I just wish that I could have shared those experiences.

If you have children or teens who feel left out by their peers for any reason, please be sure to offer some comfort and support. It will make a big difference in their lives.

Has anyone else experienced mixed feelings after reading Facebook?


vealcalf2000
03-20-2014, 05:40 AM
Right there with you. I had friends, mostly girls. I did have a best friend too. I had some boys as friends, but no boyfriends. No prom, no dances, no one sneaking notes to me asking me out (Unless it was to make fun of me).

I remember one boy in particular, Shawn, who always teased me. I hated to have a class with him because he'd always pick on me, call me names, make fun of me and my weight. Oh my goodness, I'll never forget when we had these dumb scooters in gym class that we'd sit on and play some kind of goofy kind of soccer with them, and one of them broke. No, I didn't break it, but he told everyone I did because I was so fat. I wasn't sad one bit to find out he had passed away a few years back...he was drinking and driving.

I'm "friends" with those who were friends with me in school. We recall the happy moments. I know they probably remember me being picked up in school and it's embarrassing, but it's in the past. Some of them friended me because they saw we went to the same school but do not remember me! They don't recognize me now, which is strange.

Are you "friends' with them on FB or just able to see their profiles? Absolutely no reason for you to friend anyone you are uncomfortable with or who teased you. People do change, but you're not obligated to give them a second chance. Choice is yours!

I will say this, I'm more confident now in my 30's having survived all of that and I use that knowledge to help others! Current friends and co-workers have looked to be for advice knowing that I've lost a lot of weight and have mostly kept it off. Focus on the new you!

GlamourGirl827
03-20-2014, 08:23 AM
I want to offer you some comfort and to tell you that it is very understandable that those memories and the idea of memories that never happened still sting. When I was in my second high school, 11 & 12 th grade we moved) I ended up having a great grou of friends, mostly guys and some girls...we were all very close, but when senior prom cane around none of them wanted to go with me. Some of them had girl friends but some of them asked girls outside our click, it was never really talked about but I was the only fat girl in our group...the other girls in our click tried to find me a date, I know they all felt so bad, it was humiliating.

Years later they some of them are on my Facebook and I honestly forgot about it until about 2 weeks ago they posted a group pic from the prom for throw back Thursday... And of course everyone started commenting, including one girl who she and I parted ways as friends in college and are not Facebook friends. I used the "I don't want to see thus, hide" option for the pic but itvwasctoo late, I already saw it and was already reminded of the memories I never made.

Even though I am happy with me life now, it doesn't make it hurt less. So I understand what you are saying. I have found the best thing to do is not think about it, and not look at things that make you think about it. Since you can't change it, thinking about it will likely never stop the hurt, and of course telling those people to get the feelings out is not a realistic option. I know it hurts, I wish I had a better suggestion for you.


yoyoma
03-20-2014, 08:42 AM
:hug:

Sounds like what happened to me in elementary school. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be sad about what did and didn't happen. I'm best off when I think more about the present and future (and good past experiences) than when I think about unpleasantness from the past.

So, for your own happiness, you might want to avoid going there. You might think more instead about what you can do at this stage in your life to move forward from wherever you are now. Moving forward can be in whatever dimension you choose.

Wishing you much happiness!

doingmybest
03-20-2014, 05:19 PM
Thank you all for your comments. I am very interested to learn about your experiences and I absolutely agree with everything.

The way I coped after grade school was to focus on myself and my future. I had a some fun in junior high and high school with girlfriends (I was not invited to the prom, but none of my friends went, so it wasn't as hard for me).

I then went to college, grad school, got married, had a career and great friends.
I'm also grateful for all of it.

The best remedy has been to make myself happy, feel gratitude for the good things and try to forget about the past.

newleaf123
03-20-2014, 06:31 PM
I found FB to be depressing in a lot of ways. My solution was to delete my account. I just don't need it in my life.

AwShucks
03-20-2014, 09:59 PM
I've found a lot of people that I knew from grade school - high school on facebook. At first, it was fun seeing everyone again and what they'd become. But, now, it's kind of annoying. The same group of folks post all the time and comment on each other's posts. They're just people I knew and saw every day, not really friends. I had only a handful of close friends, and one best friend - all female. I wasn't asked to the prom, but went with my best friend and another girl. It wasn't so bad. I didn't date either, but then, I don't remember a lot of people I hung around with dating. There were some couples, but not in my crowd.

I was teased a bit when I was really young - between grades 4 and 6, I think. One boy, I remember, was insanely cruel with "fatty" nicknames. I ran into him when I was in college, and he couldn't have been nicer. I have no idea what has happened to him, but I haven't looked - don't care.

I have noticed that a lot of the "popular girls" have gained weight in middle age. I must admit that I find this amusing. I wonder how they feel now that the shoe is on the other foot. And, interestingly, a lot of people who were the "coolest, best looking, etc." are not so much anymore. :) Seems they peaked in high school -- that must be a b!tch!

I've always thought myself a late bloomer, and if we were to have a reunion this year (and we should - 30 years!) I'd feel more confident among them now, than I did in high school.

alaskanlaughter
03-21-2014, 12:08 AM
I have good and bad memories of high school....some bittersweet...one older boy (junior when I was a freshman or 8th grade) taunted me endlessly and always tried to sit with me on the bus....I don't remember him being MEAN, but just endlessly pestering me and such and I hated it....I never liked him and felt bullied :( later in life we visited online and he confessed that he had had such a crush on me back then and was trying to get my attention

if I didn't like someone back then, I see no reason to friend them on facebook now....simple....I don't actively hate anyone from back then, but I have no desire to have anything to do with some of them now

LovesToTravel
03-21-2014, 12:48 AM
I found FB to be depressing in a lot of ways. My solution was to delete my account. I just don't need it in my life.

This. Also, I would add in "aggravating" for my own experience because, argh, the drama.

doingmybest, I'm so sorry your experience on FB brought back so many bad memories and pain. :( I hope you've been able to shake it off and are feeling more like yourself again.

When I joined FB and received friend requests from old classmates who had run with the popular crowd, it was...really weird. No acknowledgement that they had picked on me or completely ignored me (some of them had not spoken to me once from kindergarten to graduation!), just a little automated box asking if I would be their FB friend. :halfempty I also had a lot of memories and feelings come up. I know everyone is mostly just curious to see what their old classmates are up to, but it still makes for a bizarre experience, doesn't it?

TooWicky
03-21-2014, 01:37 AM
Yes, I have!

I was very busy with academics and a sport not connected to competing for the schools I went to, so I basically had no social life or friends. I literally only went to class and never hung out with or saw my fellow students outside of class. I sometimes lurk on facebook and check out names I remember from high school, and I see that many of them are friended and hang out with each other and keep in touch. It's very weird to not have had normal friendships in high school like normal people had. I have no social memories from school at all because there weren't any. I do feel like I missed out and it definitely hampered normal social development. I never went to a single dance or football game or belonged to any clubs that ever met after school throughout my entire high school years (I did go to senior prom only with a guy friend two years younger that also competed in my sport so I knew him from my team.) I didn't hang out with friends after school or on weekends either because of sports obligations, plus no one invited me anyway.

I didn't experience being straight up ostracized :hug: I'm so very sorry you were. Mostly I was barely acknowledged, almost like I was invisible, although there was a begrudging respect for my athletic abilities which shielded me from more severe bullying. I was considered decidedly unattractive (a few choice boys would bark at me in the hallway) until the last part of my senior year when I started to develop a bit and I started trying out wearing a bit of makeup.

Having good friends growing up is so important, and you only really need one good friend, not a whole gaggle, but I didn't have that either. At least I had my younger sister - we were great friends, thank goodness. I don't dwell on the past, because it was so far in the past, and I certainly met plenty of friends in college and beyond. I use what I experienced to help me balance my young daughter's life - I want her to have a well-rounded childhood. I work mega-hard to help facilitate her having friendships, etc. My own mom didn't think it was that important. Plus, in her later years, she confessed she felt a lot of social pressure having being in the popular crowd in a small school, and she didn't want me to experience any of that. Well, she did accomplish that, lol, thanks mom :)

I use an alias on facebook, much to the amusement of my current fb friends (I sometimes get called my facebook alias out in public as a nickname by my neighbors, friends, and co-workers, lol, it's kind of hilarious) I'm only friends with people I currently know and want to know. I have zero interest in people who might remember my name from way back when, trying to friend me on fb. I always joke that the punchline is, if I ever de-stealth on facebook, no one would be looking for me anyway, lol! Fine by me.

Claygirl1518
03-21-2014, 04:43 PM
Absolutely. Sometimes I regret what I see one Facebook! My best friend from college got married a few months ago, and I had the misfortune of seeing a bunch of our mutual friends (her circle of friends that I was very much a part of, I thought anyway) Post on FB about how much fun her bachelorette party was. I was not invited. This sent me into a spiral of upset, because I would have dropped everything to be there for her bachelorette, and she didn't even think to ask me. I try not to take things personally, but that one hurt. As far as FB is concerned though, I'm not really friends with people I wasn't friends with at school, I don't really want to remember all the teasing and mean people from those old days!

novangel
03-21-2014, 07:06 PM
Facebook is just as bad as grade school. It's all a big popularity contest which makes people feel left out, for some it's a source of attention or a place to vent ALL of their problems. I hide the negative people. It's kind of a sad place in general. I have lost friends who are totally addicted to that site. They NEVER call anymore, they only contact me through text or FB. :rolleyes:

A lot of it is smoke in mirrors. Try not to invest too much into it, if my BF wasn't in bands I wouldn't be on there at all.

AwShucks
03-22-2014, 12:25 PM
Did anyone see the movie "Social Network"? Facebook is, now, what it was originally created to become. According to the movie, Mark Zuckerberg (sp?) was a brilliant misfit in college and couldn't get into the social groups that he wanted to be in. So, he created facebook as a kind of "look at me" application for the popular crowd, and by default, he got a lot of attention, too... which was his intention.

I found the movie disturbing, as it confirmed my dislike of facebook, and I realized that I'd fallen for "wanting to belong" and then became disillusioned once I "belonged" -- hard to explain, but I've always been rather private with facebook. I think my last post was 6 or 7 months ago, and I only peek in out of curiosity about once a month. Funnily, it's like a soap opera - you can get the gist of what's going on in everyone's life by looking in only every once in a while. ha!

midwife
03-22-2014, 08:50 PM
if I didn't like someone back then, I see no reason to friend them on facebook now....simple....I don't actively hate anyone from back then, but I have no desire to have anything to do with some of them now

This 100x!

thirti4thirty
03-23-2014, 05:23 AM
Most of the posters above have said it all.
3 years ago I quit FB cold turkey and with that I kicked 99% of the sadness out of my life. It was making me depressed in so many different ways.
Note to the OP: Even if it weren't for that situation you have at hand, FB would still have a way of making you feel like you're slacking behind "better people".
Seriously, analyzing it well, it's all BS on there. Really not worth it!
I'm so happy to return to my pre-FB self. I don't miss it.

GlamourGirl827
03-23-2014, 10:37 AM
I know this is off topic, but I want to say that I don't dislike fb. The experience I shared was upsetting, but generally I enjoy it. In the terms of current events (what people are doing now with their lives) I never feel upset, jealous or like I'm living a crumby life. I actually enjoy seeing pics of people doing things I haven't. Travel, fitness, etc. I feel like if those things were that important to me, I've work to do them myself. I like my life and don't feel negative feelings when people post all the positives of there's. I actually get frustrated at the people that complain on facebook :P

JzBelle
03-23-2014, 04:53 PM
I quit fb cold turkey last August and haven't logged in since then.
My problem is I like games and I quickly became a game addict. I had/have tons of strangers who are 'friends' so they could help me with my games. The games are oh-so-cleverly-designed to MAKE you get addicted by giving you rewards for logging in every day and then making certain tasks/virtual prizes available for a short time. I was spending HOURS every day to do my game 'chores'.
I enjoyed it--I even enjoyed the game playing groups I was in. But I also dealt with some really nasty drama and often had other people's behavior causing me to feel crummy in real life. Mostly I was appalled at myself [even when I was doing it] to be losing SO MUCH of my waking hours online.

since quitting fb I read more books, am very active in my crafting, watch more movies that I enjoy, clean my house more and overall enjoy what is happening around me much more!

I do have a few simple games on my cell phone and my new tablet. but they are solitaire games and do not require any type of community to play!

doingmybest
03-24-2014, 01:11 AM
Thanks everyone for all of your posts!

I have such mixed feelings about FB. I get some great information on it; for me, it's sometimes like a time machine or finishing the end of a good book: I see how people ended up in their lives 30+ years later. (Basic stuff like what they do for a living, how many kids, where they live etc.)

I know how people sugar coat things on FB. One guy that I grew up with posted what an "ideal typical 1960s suburban simple happy" childhood he had. He also talks about how great things are now. I grew up 3 doors down from him and I know a lot about his history. His adoptive parents had a bad relationship. His father wanted nothing to do with the family and his mother committed suicide when we were seniors in high school. He has been through numerous divorces and relationships ( that are posted on FB and then taken off of FB). His daughter is now in prison for credit card fraud and theft. He and his family have had a very tough time.

No wonder people want to present themselves in the best way possible. No one wants to broadcast the bad things in their lives. Also, now prospective employers check on people through social media, so everyone has to be careful about what they post.

Also, I think FB can be a way for people who don't make friends easily or who want to reconnect with people from the past, to feel more connected.

For me, when I react strongly to something on FB, I feel like it's my issues that I need to look at, and why I feel the way I do.

I will probably stay with it but in very small doses.

jerah
03-26-2014, 07:28 AM
i just want to share those wise words with you:

"strong people don't put others down, they lift them up"

so with having that in mind you know, that everybody who bullied you did that to strengthen themselves, which implies weakness...so you are not the victims in fact, these people are. and if they dont feel sorry by now, they will suffer later...

Wannabeskinny
03-26-2014, 10:39 AM
I have to use fb for networking as part of my career. I enjoy it but I also realize that "things aren't as they seem on tv" so to speak. I know very well that people only put things there that they want others to see. I also know that people post in order to get attention. I can't be upset about that but if it does start to cause a little tension and angst in me I do shut it down for breaks.

I ran into an old friend the other day and he said to me "on facebook you look really good and seem very happy." and I said "how do I look in real life?" so I suppose I'm guilty of it too, I paint a picture without even really realizing it. Seriously though, of course I'm going to post a picture of me and my toddler making cookies together, what a happy picture! I sure as heck ain't posting a picture of my toddler having a meltdown, but meltdowns do occur.

doingmybest
03-29-2014, 02:34 AM
Thanks again for everyone's great posts!

Jerah, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I will try to keep remembering that.

Shannonsnail
03-29-2014, 01:31 PM
I quit FB cold turkey in mid November and stayed off for 4 months. I could go into numerous details of the things that were hurtful to me but the bottom line is I found myself spending too much time on people with whom I have no relationship and feeling left out by those I do. I recognize that it is my own issue that I am affected by these things so that is why I made the choice to remove myself from the constant feed of information. After 4 months I definitely felt better about myself (in many realms, not necessarily weight related) and was able to comfortably decide to open a new account on FB where I only allow 'friends' who are family. All that being said I really do think FB has watered down the definition of friendship and enabled folks, in general, to often do the bare minimum to maintain those friendships. I am a little anti-FB now but I think each person has to decide the best way to use it and whether it is okay for them.

SouthernMaven
03-29-2014, 04:06 PM
I'm pretty neutral about FB, actually. I'm on it and check it most days but don't do a lot of posting. I was neither popular or teased in school because I was pretty shy and didn't socialize much (but not overweight). I have always been a solitary animal so others' opinions of me didn't concern me. My daughter is very similar to me in that regard, and I've always been grateful for that.

But I digress.

I stay on FB for two reasons; one, it's a great way to stay in touch with my rather large extended family, and it allowed me to organize a big family reunion in 2010 in which I located out-of-state cousins that I'd not seen or heard from in almost 40 years. Three of these same cousins (all from one family) came to the reunion from across the country and we still stay in very close touch, mostly through FB.

I also use it to enter sweepstakes, which is a hobby of mine. There are many legitimate sweepstakes on FB (and some scams as well, but I know the difference).

If it weren't for those two things I'd have probably gotten off FB years ago.

jerah
03-31-2014, 07:58 AM
Thanks again for everyone's great posts!

Jerah, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I will try to keep remembering that.

you are welcome! and if you one day forget about those words, I'll remind you again:D

But i'm pretty sure, you are "doing your best" :)