100 lb. Club - Internal War - Regained - Restart?

03-19-2014, 02:26 PM
So I have to admit a few things before I even begin writing this post:
• I’ve put 50 lbs back on and I am back up to between 245 – 255 depending on the variable factors.
• I haven’t been to the gym in nearly a year and I am scared to go back.
• My eating is atrocious and I’m currently on the “see food” diet
I feel ashamed and like a failure because of those three things and I am not sure what happened. I was going so strongly for a while and then – poof. All my good intentions and willpower seemed to flee me at the same time – I just stopped caring about working out and eating right. I loved how I felt while doing it but it seems like one day I just woke up and I was out of go-juice.
And those two parts of me are still at war – the “I want to be healthy” and the “I just don’t care”. I want to go back to the gym and eat right and get back to a healthier weight but some part of me, it feels like a major part, is completely against it. Knowing that I was doing so well for over a year and I just stopped, possibly because I never saw an end in sight, might be what killed my motivation.

So I am lost and it beating both sides of myself up – the part of me that wants to eat right and go back to the gym as well as the part of me that says “accept yourself as you are!” – and I want the war to end. My plan is to go back to the gym on Tuesday (specifically because that is when my Gym membership kicks back up again) but I am scared I am going to turn tail and run – throw in the white flag again – and that part of me is almost strong enough to stop me from starting again.

Has anyone else felt this way and how did you get over this internal war? Is anyone else stuck in this mode right now?


03-19-2014, 03:53 PM
Hugs. I don't have a ton of experience, and have never before accomplished a weight loss like you have previously. Though I've tried every diet known to man, and every diet pill known to woman, I was never truly committed. I always wanted to lose weight, but I also wanted to be ok with who I was. I have been doing what I am doing for 1 month today. I woke up one morning, feeling very different. Like something inside me had snapped. That day, I took the steps to change my lifestyle. I had never thought of any of the other diets as life style changes. For me, I have kids who I want to be here for, for a long time. The morning I started this, I took a side profile picture (i am all belly). That also was a slap in the face. I had myself convinced I wasn't that bad, boy was I wrong. Pick the voice you want to hear, silence the other one, and go for it. You might have set backs, we all do. A set back doesn't have to end your run though. Start fresh every day if you have to. If I can do this you can to. Don't stress about the gym. I am walking/running thru my neighborhood, breathing loud and proud. Good luck. XOXO

03-19-2014, 04:59 PM
We've got a nice little thread going here in the 100-club called "Regainers regaining control and relosing." Feel free to come join us. You are not alone - lots of people lose the plot for a while and regain. And lots of people struggle to find their groove again. I have been myself.

My approach right now during my own struggles is to focus on one choice at a time - just to try to make the on-plan choice right now, regardless of whether my previous choice was on plan or off plan. I am not demanding perfection from myself in order for the restart to "count" as a legitimate attempt; nor am I allowing myself to say "well I screwed today up with those cookies at lunch so I guess I'll just start again next week." Every single choice, every single eating opportunity, is an opportunity to follow my plan.

(There must be something in the air today because this keeps coming up; I feel like I am posting the same comment over and over, and I hope you folks aren't sick of hearing about it yet!)

Just keep at it. You have lost weight before so you know how to do it. Just keep trying to make the best choices you can, one choice at a time, and you will get back into the groove.

03-22-2014, 02:28 PM
Sugar, you have summed up my last 2 years. I had been on the right track and saw real results by eating a healthy breakfast/lunch/dinner and simply walking on the treadmill, up to an hour a night. Somehow, one day, I just stopped taking care of me. We did this before, we deserve what we had and have to reclaim the effort it took to get there. My biggest battle is public anxiety, I have to force myself to realize no one is really looking at me or judging me. Good luck getting over that hump and "just keep swimming."

03-22-2014, 04:10 PM
I've lost and regained 40, 75, 90, and over 100lbs in my lifetime. I don't have much of a track record for keeping it off. But, for the last year or so, although I wanted to lose more weight, (I was just telling myself that, not being strict at all) I maintained more or less, with about a 16lb gain over the winter, and absolute awareness of what was happening. Before, I kind of regained in a "fog" - unaware until I ended up as big as I began.

I think every time a regain happens, it teaches us something. I've learned that I have a lot of internal work still to do; I'm an emotional eater. But, I'm aware of that, now, and that's progress. I'm not perfect, but I do often catch myself before I do major diet damage and try to work out what is really going on in my head. It was eyeopening to me to actually realize that I was the one who was making the bad decisions to eat more than I should and why. I placed blame all over the place - work, family, bad genes, bad luck, etc. A counselor helped me see that this time. I came away from each session just amazed that she had such insight into my life! ha! What I was doing to myself was only invisible to me!

Hang in there! This may be the time that it sticks. You've got nothing to lose but the excess weight by trying again.

PS About the gym.. Just white knuckle it and force yourself to go. In the past, I never stuck with any routine long enough to see positive results and get the good feelings; I always gave up when it hurt. This time, I've stuck with it and what they say is true! You do get stronger, and it stops hurting, and pretty soon, you will like exercising. I would've never believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself! :)

03-23-2014, 03:47 PM
I know how you feel. In January, I went back to the gym after having been gone for probably 6 months or more. It was scary, I felt totally out of place, and ran into a few people I knew from there and had to answer the "Where have you been?" question. I took it one day at a time. For the first week or so, I felt it was a victory just to walk in the door. Then, I built up to where I was trying to do better at workouts. Then, I finally got up the nerve to go back to my harder classes. At first with those, if I survived the class, that was good enough. Then, I kept building on each work out, trying to push myself a little farther. I now love being there again and feel so good... again.

You can do it!! Just keep getting support from here. I'm also on the regainers relosing thread that Carter mentioned. Join us! Let's all support each other and help build each other up. Don't continue with feeling bad about yourself. You are worth the effort to get back in shape and back to re-losing!

03-23-2014, 07:39 PM

I struggle with a similar internal battle. Honestly the only thing that keeps me going is routine. I'm a creature of habit.

good luck on your journey!!

03-24-2014, 12:11 PM
Thank you everyone - as silly as it sounds (and I know everyone goes through this sometimes) when in the middle of it I feel so alone. It helps knowing I am not the only one struggling with these same issues. It really is shaming (for me) to gain all this weight back and have to start again and admitting that it makes me feel ashamed almost makes it worse.

I do need to recreate habits and chin up about the gym. I am so scared to go and see all the people who told me how proud they were that I lost the weight the first time, it's silly I barely know them but it just feels like a huge letdown to go back and be so big again. I will go though - I was all prepared to be there tomorrow more (April 1st is when my gym membership kicks back up) when I was told I was a week ahead of time.

Food is going to be hard because I AM an emotional eater in addition to generally enjoying food. I like to eat but I need to stop eating everything I can.

@Awshucks: I was seeing a counselor but, personally, he wasn't much help and I didnt' feel any support from him but I may look for another one.

@Shashnl: Walking in the door is going to be the hardest part - I go early (EARLY) in the morning but I do have to go back and get on the machines. I am just nervous to see how far I have backslide now.

03-24-2014, 12:38 PM
You can do it!! I know it is hard. But you've done the hardest part already, just admitting that you need to start again. I go super early too, in the mornings, by the way! Just keep putting one step in front of the other.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. You are not alone! But, you are at a critical time and you need support!! We'll help!

03-24-2014, 10:53 PM
@Awshucks: I was seeing a counselor but, personally, he wasn't much help and I didnt' feel any support from him but I may look for another one.

I didn't "click" with my first counselor, either -- I saw her when I previously attempted weight loss in 2008 -- lost 140 lbs, but put all but about 40lbs back on within a year. This time, I had a different counselor, and she and I really connected. I know a lot of people say this (and it would be totally inappropriate), but I could be friends with her outside of our sessions. She gets me, and I feel that she genuinely cares.

She recommended a book by Martha Beck "Finding Your North Star" (or something like that) and the book resonated with me. I also found "Shrink Yourself" by Dr. Gould, myself, and got a lot of insight into my emotional eating.

Do try again. I think having talked my problems out with someone has made all the difference in my success this time so far. Keep us posted on how things go for you.

03-24-2014, 11:23 PM
Sorry I am not in the 100+ group but I think it still applies.At one point I lost 89 lbs and I gained most of it back in less than 9 months. The gaining period was horrible but I gained so much insight and found what does not work for me (in my case this was dieting in general). Have you ever read any of Geneen Roth's books? Or Josie Spinardi's book can be a good start if you have spent many years gaining and losing weight.

And though you should not feel ashamed I understand the shame at the gym. After I gained my weight back I would not even drive past the gym where I lost all the weight in fear of my trainer seeing me. Its not right but just know that you are not alone.