Weight Loss Support - Judgements on Your Weight Loss Approach [Venting]




xRiotGirl
03-19-2014, 12:48 PM
Disclaimer: This is long, so, you don't have to read it. Click the red 'X' now!!

I don't necessarily want to bash my sister, but this one situation is really bugging me. She has a tendency to judge things, (I don't think that is how she would see it but that is just what it is). I wasn't going to make my weight loss efforts a public thing this time around simply because I faced a lot of judgement in the past, not just from her but from a few people, and didn't want to deal with it this time, but then I decided that it is something kind of special, especially if I am successful, and that I would want to be sharing it with my family as I progress.

Okay so fast forward to now, I'm a month in. At this point I've started learning my limits with food, what will trigger bad habits, and what I will accept as a 'cheat,' (although I don't really do the whole cheat thing). We all know that this is delicate stuff, once you figure it out you have to kind of nurture your new habits and make them stronger so that you can lean on them for the rest of your life, because you are going to have to. And I am right in the swing of working on that.

About a week ago my sister was having a really horrendous week, I mean it was bad. She came over so that we (myself, two sisters, sister's husband) could go on a loooong stress walk together. I even suggested ice cream! This turned into going to the store and buying eggs, sausage, hashed browns, bacon, cinnamon rolls, OJ and pancakes to have a complete breakfast for dinner. It stressed me out a little bit because I knew it was going to seriously test my will power, but I wasn't about to dictate anyone's food choices either. I mentioned a fair few times how I was jealous I couldn't pig out because this food was going to be so good, (not in those words though haha), and my sister made a few comments back about how I should get over it.

Once we were home and cooking, I started punching foods into MFP to get a look at what I was really about to eat. Already you can see how quickly my mindset changed! lol I really hadn't wanted to eat at all because I KNEW I wasn't hungry, and I didn't need it. But it smelled good so I caved. And of course, it made me go over for the day but I decided not to sweat it because it was one lousy day, one meal.

I'm pretty sure I outwardly said no to the pancakes which added to the 'Carolyn is starving herself' fire, but what really made it blow up was when I said no to a cinnamon roll. And you know what? I HATE cinnamon rolls! I even said that! My sister just came back with 'Do you really not like cinnamon rolls, or are you just not letting yourself eat the cinnamon roll?' UGH! I tried not to let it worry me, but I spent the night internalizing it.

Now fast forward again to present time. While I wasn't home and my two sisters had a chance to talk, she basically said I'm not doing this in a healthy manner because I'm not letting myself eat. I would like to point out that I'm eating 2000 cals a day and I still eat processed, unhealthy snacks all day long, (read: chips and snack cakes), so as not to deprive myself of things I know I'm going to crave. I know it is unconventional, but that's how I'm doing it.

This has been bugging me for days. Weight loss is super personal, and it can only takes one person or one comment to shatter all of the confidence and progress you have built up. I'm not going to let that happen, but I want to understand WHY people say things like this that are so insensitive! She has not even asked me once what my approach is or what my diet is like, yet she's willing to say that I am doing this wrong.
>: (


[/RANT]


Locke
03-19-2014, 01:04 PM
Admitting that you are making healthy choices by not stuffing yourself with food means that she has to admit that what she's doing is ultimately unhealthy. By labeling you as depriving yourself she has a free ticket to eat whatever she wants. Just understand that what she is saying reflects her attitudes towards food and eating, not you. I think you are making great decision by still allowing yourself to eat the foods that you like so you don't feel deprived but in a manner that is still conducive to weight loss. People are going to tell you that you can't do it, that you are unhealthy, weird, etc. Just be strong and confident. You know if you keep doing this you will become a healthier and happier person. :)

jayavery
03-19-2014, 04:41 PM
I agree with Locke. It's her issue and should not be yours. I myself hear it as well. I go for the lower fat or sugar free stuff because honestly I want to expend my calories elsewhere and will try to cut where I can. I have to hear how the low fat and low calorie is worse for me because of the chemicals added to make it that way. Well staying fat with high BP was going to do me in a lot sooner than low fat or calorie products. I love my cheese burger and fries. So I eat turkey burgers or boca's with FF cheese and baked fries. I also love cookies, cakes and ice cream. Again...Snack wells and skinny cows. Either the individuals who make comments to me have never been fat or they are fat now. So it's more about them and their willpower than mine. And so for clarity......Since I have lost my weight my BP is outstanding. My blood work has all come back perfect at my last physical. My knees no longer hurt. My resting heart rate is 50 (Athletic) I take no prescription pills. My doctor said I took a good 12-15 years off my body. I am 44. Make this journey on your terms. No one else's.


VermontMom
03-19-2014, 04:53 PM
I read it all :D

I can't explain WHY people say things that are insensitive, and unsupportive, especially family! or 'friends'. But they do.. all the time, right?

I'm really glad you aren't going to let her comments derail you :carrot:

For the 'judge-ers' who say that one can't succeed in losing weight while still having processed or 'fake' foods, or can't have healthy blood work, yay to jayavery! :carrot::carrot:

Claygirl1518
03-19-2014, 05:52 PM
I totally get what you're going through. I have family issues as well. My Dad is a plastic surgeon, and very judgy about peoples bodies and is obsessed with how he (and his daughter) appears to the world. He made it clear to me as a child growing up, and to this day, that me being overweight is embarrassing for him. He also told me (when I was a freshman in HS and weighed 135) that no one would ever love me unless I lost 40 lbs first. I think that these kinds of comments have led to a lot of binges and self-loathing over the years, when I was a healthy weight, and I just ate to make the feelings go away. My Mom and Grandma are also obsessed with my weight, but in a semi-supportive way. Today my Grandma told me "It's great you're losing weight! You're not as pretty when you're fat, so I'm glad you've lost eight pounds" So encouraging right? While these comments and attitudes still hurt me, I have gotten better over the years at tuning them out and focusing on what I want for myself, and mentally telling ignorant rude people to go to ****. You are doing amazing, and the only person you are beholden to for your health and happiness is yourself!

xRiotGirl
03-19-2014, 11:58 PM
Hey, thanks for your responses guys. I feel a little less like an a**hole haha..

I've sat on it a while and given it some thought. Like I said, I never meant to have a bashfest at my sister's expense, it just can get overwhelming when the people you expect the most support from seem to give you just the opposite. But my sister is my oldest sister, and I think maybe I've jumped to conclusions. It's more likely that she was coming from a place of concern rather than criticism and judgement. Still, I see this in so many areas of my very personal life where people most definitely speak before they think...

Locke - Thank you for the pep talk, sometimes even I question my diet choices but at the end of the day I'm not bingeing, I made that mistake before. It does help to hear someone tell me it's okay though!

jayavery - CONGRATS on those stats..you should be so proud of yourself for turning your health around like that.:) Also, I'm a big fan of Skinny Cow!! haha

VermontMom - You should get a big gold star cause that was a lot of reading! lol I don't know why people do it either...like I said I think people just speak before they think and don't realize how what they say is about to effect someone.

claygirl1518 - I'm sorry about all that :( I've dealt with a few underhanded comments from my dad when I was younger, but nothing quite as brash as that. I agree that strengthening that inner voice is that best way to avoid being hurt by their words..Make it loud enough to drown them out I guess :p

Steelslady
03-20-2014, 12:16 AM
This answer is simple as ABC, 1,2,3- STOP telling people what you are doing! Don't discuss your plan, AT ALL. If they ask why you're not eating something, just say you are full or will have one maybe later when you're more hungry, and then don't eat it.

I told my sister point blank recently, which three restraurants I will go out to lunch with her, because she loves to lunch out. She loves big meals, I can't eat them- not so much as the calories, as I always chose their healthier options and don't get dessert- but the chemicals, high sodium, and sugar bloat me for days. I told her that I refuse to go anymore, unless it's one of the three choices that I picked, and they're all health food cafe's and my neighbor's cafe, to which they serve all home made stuff- no chemicals, no extra sodium or sugars, or MSG. The other two places are all organic.

I am changing my life, and doing this MY WAY. For those who are intrusive like my husband's family, or for those who try to enable your weight gain by tempting you with foods you don't want or shouldn't eat and then make snarky comments- simply don't tell them a thing about what you are doing. No need to, you don't eat with them everyday (I do with my sister, she lives with us, kind of hard to avoid her, but she didn't know for over a month what I was doing- she figured it out). It's none of their business, unless someone sees the wonderful changes in you and wants help with losing weight.

I've lost 25 pounds since October, as of this morning. Even through the holidays, I managed to keep myself eating healthier options and maintained for once, instead of gaining weight during the holiday season- THAT was huge for me. Made me happy and in a quiet way, proud of myself for not gaining. By New Year's Eve, I think I had lost 3 or 4 pounds. I restarted a plan for a couple of weeks, until the Olympics hit- I have a tradition every four years during the winter Olympics that I make foods from all around the world, making food from 3-4 countries a night until it was over. I still maintained the loss I had up to that point, then got down to business again the day after it was over and have steadily lost ever since.

My family had no clue what I was doing. I just didn't discuss it. Last week, my daughter said "whoa, Mom, whatever you're doing, keep it up- you've lost a lot of weight!!!!!!!!" That made my day, my month, my year, lol! She's doing a different version of my diet (she is gluten free due to an allergy), but she is doing well, too. I am determined to keep doing this, this way of life makes me happy and content, I am healthy, and that is all that matters.

So, just keep quiet. Do not share with anyone, or you will get unwanted advice or snarky comments. Even when someone is eating the most healthiest diet, someone will say something negative about it. My sister always tried to get me to eat desserts that I didn't want, ambushing me in front of the waiters/waitresses until I finally told if she ever did that again, it would be the last time we would go out. She stopped finally, she knew I meant it.

Stand up for yourself when you have to, but just don't advertise what you are doing. Don't open yourself up for criticism, you'll be happier this way and just get things done in peace.

Best of luck with your journey, and hang in there!

MauiKai
03-20-2014, 06:58 AM
I have one particular friend who bothers me. She's gone "fruititarian" and thinks anyone who doesn't eat that way is stupid and voluntarily destroying the world by not eating the "real optimal human diet." She nags me about eating real food all the time. I've finally just told her that food/diet/etc is completely off limits in our conversations or we won't be able to talk, period.

BettyBooty
03-20-2014, 07:27 AM
First off, I am glad no one in my family talks that way to or about me. That is simply awful!

I would not have said anything about watching what I eat or the calories in the breakfast foods. I would have just eaten what I wanted to eat (or what I would permit myself to eat) and if anyone commented about it I would simply say I wasn't in the mood for what they were pushing. If they pressed the issue, I would have no problem telling them to eff off (but I am kind of a b* sometimes).

Mrs Snark
03-20-2014, 07:52 AM
Everyone's got an opinion it seems. I've had neighbors who are pretty much strangers ask how I lost weight, only to then argue with my methodology. They haven't been able to lose a single pound, but I'm doing it all wrong, lol.

These days I'm very vague when people ask. I always say, "oh just the usual: eating less and moving more!"

Nobody argues with that version.

Wannabeskinny
03-20-2014, 08:27 AM
I haven't read all the responses yet but just wanted to chime in quickly before I forget my train of thought.

In my opinion it is best to not talk about weightloss and eating while other people are eating. Talking about calories, carbs, nutrition, hunger etc makes everyone very uncomfortable. It puts them immediately in a state of defensiveness and makes you look self-righteous. Now I'm not saying that pretending that everything is fine is easy, but I think it easier to go with the flow, don't make sudden dieting moves and don't talk weightloss while others are eating. Ultimately there are more of them than you and you shouldn't put yourself in a position to argue your PERSONAL choices! In other words they can't scrutinize you if you don't engage in their conversation.

I hope this makes sense.

BigChiefHoho
03-20-2014, 08:45 AM
I tend to agree with Locke. People like to criticise other peoples' healthy choices because they feel self-conscious about their own unhealthy choices. I think the best way to avoid it is to just not talk about it unless someone else specifically brings it up. For me, at least, I tend to get really obsessed when I'm losing weight, and I can talk about it foreeeeeeeeever, which gets really irritating fast, so I have to be careful not to get preachy and annoying.

For what it's worth, my weight-loss method is pretty much the same as yours. I eat whatever I want while counting calories. I still have pizza and ice cream and cookies and whatever else, I just count everything. And it works really well, and I don't feel deprived at all, but people still get judgy from both sides - either I shouldn't be depriving myself from counting calories or I should eat healthier and never have sugar or salt or fat or anything else. So I keep my mouth shut and quietly lose weight without a word.

lotsakids
03-20-2014, 10:03 AM
I am a diabetic, I get more pushback from other diabetics because I've committed to eating in a way that keeps my blood sugar from spiking. I hear all the time "Oh it's okay, you can eat that just not too much" from friends who think that any blood sugar under 180 is okay. I'm continually asked if I'm still insisting on that low carb thing. I don't make a big deal over what I eat, but I know what I shouldn't eat and I don't. I've stopped explaining why I won't eat the bun, I just don't eat it.

ggbsy
03-20-2014, 01:23 PM
Ugh. I know what you mean. I have unfortunately let people get to me, too many times. It's like my desire to "fit in and be liked" is more powerful than my desire to be "healthy and fit". I was at goal weight a few months ago and I let it slip and gain 10 lbs because I couldn't take the critiques any longer. I just get tired of hearing what people think of my body/eating habits/exercise habits... they put me in a place where I am different and not liked. My desire to be liked put on those lbs. Now I am not judged and I feel like I fit in, I am no longer a threat to them... Of course, I am desperate to lose the weight again. Just not fair. I need to change something in order to overcome this. It is sabotage at its best!

xRiotGirl
03-21-2014, 12:25 AM
In my opinion it is best to not talk about weightloss and eating while other people are eating. Talking about calories, carbs, nutrition, hunger etc makes everyone very uncomfortable. It puts them immediately in a state of defensiveness and makes you look self-righteous. Now I'm not saying that pretending that everything is fine is easy, but I think it easier to go with the flow, don't make sudden dieting moves and don't talk weightloss while others are eating. Ultimately there are more of them than you and you shouldn't put yourself in a position to argue your PERSONAL choices! In other words they can't scrutinize you if you don't engage in their conversation.

I hope this makes sense.




Thank you for this, I hadn't seen it from this perspective. That obviously would never be my intention, but I understand how it can be interpreted that way form the other side.

kaplods
03-21-2014, 01:47 AM
In my opinion it is best to not talk about weightloss and eating while other people are eating. Talking about calories, carbs, nutrition, hunger etc makes everyone very uncomfortable. It puts them immediately in a state of defensiveness and makes you look self-righteous.

I agree.

While I'm sure it wasn't your intention, you opened the can of worms by expressing "a fair few times," your jealousy over what they were going to be eating.

Indirectly you opened the door on the topic of food choices (and not just your own).

It's like the game of "punchbug, no punchbacks."

You hit them where it hurt, but declared fowl when they hit back.

When ypu express jealousy of the food others are going to be eating (whether in words or by balefully ogling their plate) you're going to make them feel guilty and uncomfortable for enjoying it.

Persuading you to join in, is going to be a natural and understandable reaction. And if you still refuse, the "jealousy" you expressed, even if jokingly, is going to suck tmost of their enjoyment out of the meal.

You could have participated in the shopping, buying foods to contribute to the spread that you could eat guilt-free. Foods that you didn't have to mention were "diet" at all. Fresh fruit and dip ingredients (light coolwhip mixed with a light flavoted yogurt perhaps). Veggies and V-8 for virgin bloody marys), all sorts of foods you could have expressed "having a taste for" without making them feel guilty or obligated to push food on you.

Wannabeskinny
03-21-2014, 08:40 AM
Thank you for this, I hadn't seen it from this perspective. That obviously would never be my intention, but I understand how it can be interpreted that way form the other side.

Sometimes when we're on a new plan and we're losing weight it's all we can think about. Our minds are completely preoccupied with dieting and food thoughts and if I could I would be talking about it all day long to whoever would listen. But like I said, other people don't want to talk about dieting when they have no intention of following that same plan and it does make an awkward conversation.

The problem can be instigated by diet programs themselves that urge people to share their plans in an effort to remain accountable. Basically they want you to announce it to the whole world so that you'll be too embarrassed to give up. Well that's ridiculous, what anyone puts in their mouth is nobody's business and you do not have to explain to anyone why you will or will not eat something. "I don't want anything" end of story.

Steelslady
03-21-2014, 08:45 PM
Ugh. I know what you mean. I have unfortunately let people get to me, too many times. It's like my desire to "fit in and be liked" is more powerful than my desire to be "healthy and fit". I was at goal weight a few months ago and I let it slip and gain 10 lbs because I couldn't take the critiques any longer. I just get tired of hearing what people think of my body/eating habits/exercise habits... they put me in a place where I am different and not liked. My desire to be liked put on those lbs. Now I am not judged and I feel like I fit in, I am no longer a threat to them... Of course, I am desperate to lose the weight again. Just not fair. I need to change something in order to overcome this. It is sabotage at its best!

You have to ask yourself, who are you doing this for- everyone else, or you? If you are happy where you are, then stand pat. If you feel that you need to lose ten pounds, just do it, but don't advertise it!

I totally understand where you are coming from- been there, done that, could write the novel. I learned, just stay quiet and do my own thing. If people notice that I've lost weight, I simply thank them. If they ask how, and I know that their just being nosy and possibly critical, I just say I watch what I eat and exercise, just like someone else said above. It's easier and not a lie, and try to change the subject so that they back off.

However, there are some very persistent people in my life (and yours obviously) who keep changing it back to my weight loss- I simply tell them that it's just my personal journey, and I've found a way I enjoy eating and exercising to feel good and be more energetic. When they try to give advice, I just smile and nod, thank them for their input, and either change the subject again, or find someone across the room to talk to and say "excuse me, I need to talk to so and so for a minute, good to see you!" and walk away. Eventually, these people will back off, if you make them. No one has to be rude or disrespectful, but be firm and stand up for yourself and don't let anyone sabotage you. You are not doing this for them, you're doing this for YOU. Keep that in mind next time you face people like this. Their opinion of you does not matter- you don't need their permission to take good care of yourself. As one friend told me years ago- "they're not paying for the food going in my mouth, nor are they preparing it, and when they start doing so, only then can they criticize my diet!" :rofl:

Good luck and I hope you get back on track for yourself. Hang in there. Right now, people close to me are starting to notice my weight loss- usually that doesn't happen until I am down to 240 or so. I can hardly wait to see my father-in-law and sister-in-law, who will start pounding me away with questions and advice in May. They're such experts at everything, if you know what I mean. ;)

Pattience
03-21-2014, 09:59 PM
I haven't read the thread but i think you might have brought this on yourself. When you said you were jealous because of what they were eating, its like a sort of judging what they are eating and makes them feel defensive, especially if they are overweight too. this gives them license to criticise you. The thing is your comment possibly made them feel criticised.

The way you choose to eat is probably fine but it is hard with siblings. My sister is skinny and eats pretty good. WE have intense feelings around how we do things differently.

We hate advice from each other. We are just not receptive to what each other knows. So its best not to talk about it unless you know you are on the same page.