100 lb. Club - issues with the husband




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hamlette
03-13-2014, 03:07 PM
im just so sad right now,,, married 7 years and hez an amazing person,,, the issue is that now that i dont participate in food related activities, that irritates him,, it was ok the first 6-7 months,, after that very occasionally, he gets angry,,, he knows im still struggling with the all or nothing mentality,,, im trying to overcome it but its still a struggle,,,, he went out to dinner with a friend today and on the way back he brought a slice of carrot cake for me,, i love carrot cake,,, he knows that and he brought it for me and told me over the phone while on his way home,,, ive been struggling with food for the past 1 week and today was my proper on plan day,,, and he brings the cake,,, i was already irritated and was battling feelings of giving up,, when he brought the cake i totally lost it,,, i know its just a slice and i might be over reacting but today was not the day ,,,, i ordered a burger from a fast food chain before he reached home,, when he got home i asked him if he wanted fries or smthng,,, he said "but you cant have a burger" i said i dont care, im having the cake so i might as well have the burger,,,,, he got so angry and started saying things like "does this mean i cant ever bring smthng for you without you starting to binge" and he threw the car keys at the wall and banged the bedroom door shut,,,,, now ive had a nice cry but needed to let it out,,,, i maybe over reacting and in the wrong,,, but i was very vulnerable today and he knows ive been struggling to get back on plan this whole week,,,, i dont know what to do,,,, i hate everything right now,,, and i hate myself for ever gaining so much weight and loving food,,,


Mozzy
03-13-2014, 05:07 PM
Hugs

Radiojane
03-13-2014, 05:44 PM
It's in the air lately, this spousal discord due to diet.

It sounds like you're in a bad place today. Take a step back and look at the progress you've made, and don't beat yourself up for struggling. We all struggle.

For your husband, this is probably a lot of change, and probably a lot that he doesn't really understand. Appreciate that you're both frustrated, and when tempers have cooled and egos have healed a little, talk it out if you can.


xRiotGirl
03-13-2014, 06:37 PM
^I second all of that. Take a breather and then reassess. You're going to get through it one way or another. Hugs to you!

love2b150
03-13-2014, 06:52 PM
hamlette, maybe you could have cut the cake into smaller slices, idk. The burger would have been good protein without the bun though. :) Gotta make light of these situations or they'll tear you up inside, you've been married for 7 years new experiences and conversation topics never cease :hug: I agree with RadioJane, I think this is just the time when husbands don't know how to react to our weight loss or what to say or do. My husband told me last week that I shouldn't try to get down to the 130's because I will look sickly. Well he loved the look many years ago, or have I been out of shape so long that this is all he remembers. He just says off the wall things and I honestly believe that they want us to be/get healthy but they are afraid of what THEY THINK is going to happen, like more attention and so forth. It took me a couple of days to regroup before I brought it up again because he didn't use the word sickly, he used a very poor choice of words and it truly angered me. So do talk it over when you can. :hug:

KatMarie
03-13-2014, 07:48 PM
Just come right out and tell your husband, no, you actually can't bring stuff like that home for me anymore. He's just trying to still do what used to make you happy. I went thru same exact thing with my husband. He finally caught on. Now when he brings home little surprises, it's non food items. Maybe give him ideas about other kinds of things he could get you when he wants to treat you...jewelry is always good, lol.

IanG
03-13-2014, 09:06 PM
I would hit him.

hamlette
03-14-2014, 06:30 AM
Hahaha Ian, to be honest I did feel like hitting him at that moment but decided against it.

I can't even begin to tell you guys how nice it feels to have ppl who understand and support you. Thank you all A LOT!!!!! My husband apologised to me in the morning and even wants to join in the daily walk I go for. It was like KatMarie said. Food was smthng he knew made me VERY happy previously and he feels a bit lost in that regard. We did sit down and talk it over and I asked him to treat me like he would a recovering alcoholic, lol. But things are much better today. I still understand that incidents like this one might happen again but I hope im better prepared for them. If I'm not, then atleast I have you all. Thanks again!!

Pattience
03-14-2014, 06:44 AM
I haven't read the whole thread but i am glad you guys have got through this.

I was going to suggest that for now, you should give your husband some clear rules.

1. Don't bring home any carrot cake (read food treats) for me…. Instead tell him if he wants to treat you to be creative and make it something that's got nothing to do with food. I mean this is what we have to learn to do for ourselves isn't it. For the same price, he could buy you a rose but let him work that out. It might even turn into something fun for him to think of lovely surprises for you that don't cause arguments or make you feel bad.

2. Make up another one.

3. Make a short list - you've got to make this easy as possible, not harder so keep it short.These things you already understand are critical to your weight loss working. He needs to understand too. If its clear and easy he will probably try to do it your way.

and maybe you can try to treat him with things he likes in return. Don't make it anything to do with food. Make it a two way thing. A fun creative thing and maybe things will get easier and happier and your diet will go well.

worth some thought anyhow.

hamlette
03-14-2014, 07:08 AM
Great suggestions pattience .. we have talked about him not bringing food home for me ... this is a strict rule from now on... I have told him it brings about negative feelings especially while I'm trying to work on changing habits and lifestyle... and I hadn't thought about the last thing you suggested, about giving him non food gifts.. Now that you mention it and I think about it, I always bring him his favourite treats as well :( not good... we really need to change our outlook towards life I guess...All our emotions and their expression revolved around food.. This needs to go away for the both of us

Pattience
03-14-2014, 08:26 AM
Bravo hamlette.

now i have a problem. When i can find the right forum, maybe you can help me. I'm about to go binge on a carrot!

IonMoon
03-14-2014, 03:16 PM
I can only speak from my personal experience...

I keep MY weight loss struggle to myself. It is MY problem and MY responsibility.

My sweet dh brought home some chocolates for me for Valentine's day. I hugged him and thanked him and put them on the counter and still haven't eaten one.

If I felt I couldn't have it in the house, I would have given it to a neighbor or taken it to work.

If it had wanted it, though, I would have had a piece and worked it into my program. I eat snacks and sweets and whatever I want. Tonight I'll be having pizza for dinner because we are going to a program at the school straight from work and it is all that will be available. And it's okay, because I am planning for it.

You can ask your dh to please respect some rules to make things easier for you, but ultimately, it is you who has to do the work.

The one rule my dh & I have is that it's none of his business what I put in my mouth (and vice versa). I am an adult and make my dietary choices. He used to make comments about me working out, then eating ice cream. But I know that the ice cream is fitting into my allotment and I shouldn't have to defend my choices.

Here's the thing- you can't control your dh, though. You can only control your own actions.

You can ask him not to bring sweets home, but you have to have a plan for yourself in place when he forgets. We live in a world where food is shoved in our faces all day every day.

You have a lot of choices. You can eat the treats and work them in and not feel guilty about it... you can say thanks but no thanks and choose not to have them.

Just try to remember the changes that you are going through are stressful for him and for you. Be patient with him AND be patient with YOURSELF.

Try to identify what exactly it is that set you off. Have a straightforward talk with him about why you are upset and what he can do to support you.

hamlette
03-14-2014, 03:32 PM
The thing is he brings stuff for himself all the time and I never have a problem with it... he orders junk food all the time, brings drinks chocolates etc for himself and I never have an issue with that because he can eat whatever he wants to, just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean the rest of the family give up their treats. It's just when he brings things exclusively for me and wants and expects me to eat them knowing that im struggling during that specific week. I think we should be mindful of each others struggles and not make it worse for the other. He can't expect me to eat what he brought and if I get angry his mood turns sour. Like I said, its probably because he doesn't inderstand what is really going on. If I decide to give the cake to a neigjbour he would have found issue with that because he doesn't understand the situation I'm in. We've had a talk about it though. Hopefully ill sort through my emotional outbursts as well and tackle them better. Just because he brought cake doesn't mean I shldve ordered the burger. That was wrong of me.

Trazey34
03-14-2014, 11:53 PM
hugs too!!! This is a delicate area for a spouse I think - wanting to be supportive, wanting to "treat you" for your success etc.

I agree with 'the talk', that treats for you aren't food anymore, but if he wants to rent a DVD for you guys to watch, or get you a little inexpensive gift, that would be awesome!

Boys do better with a direct approach I think, not just wishing he knew what you wanted. Hopefully if you're clear, and he's able to have a treat himself (hopefully while he's out) it should work out

hugs again!

yoyoma
03-15-2014, 09:12 AM
Different things for different people. The best gift is something the person receiving the gift wants.

In addition to nonfood treats, are there any healthy but expensive treats that you'd like (or like to try) but are so expensive that you don't eat them (at least not very often)? A can of lobster meat? Sashimi? Real truffle something? Saffron? Fresh raspberries out of season? Exotic tea? Whatever floats your boat or piques your curiosity that doesn't ever make it onto the shopping list. It's another possible way for him to conveniently treat you.