Okay, I'm sure I'm not the only person going through something like this. PLEASE HELP!
Since April '02 I've lost 75 pounds, bringing me from 226-151. I still have 11 pounds to lose to get to goal. A good friend of mine has probably gained 50+ pounds since April '02 and constantly jokes that I lost it and it ended up on her. She comments constantly about her weight gain and my loss. It comes up in general conversation all the time. For instance, if I say to her "hey, what did you do today?" she will say "Oh, I went shopping... you know... at the FAT GIRLS store".
Now, this girl is a great friend. She is always one of the first people to comment on my weight loss and to tell me how good I am doing. From my experience, I can always tell when someone's jealous of my loss when they DON'T comment. And, she's always right there giving me positive feedback.
Anyway, to make a long post slightly shorter, I am going on a little trip with her this weekend. I don't plan on sticking too close to my diet, but I plan to eat/drink in moderation as to not backtrack too far. I'm worried about how it will look when I push food away or wake up early to do a little walking. She is roughly 100 pounds heavier than I am and I don't want my actions to make her feel bad about herself for not dieting/exercising. I do not pass judgement on her (I was in her situation not too long ago) and I don't want to hear her constantly bash herself. But, I don't know how to ask her to stop without being rude.
If anyone has gone something similar, please let me know how you deal. For those of you who haven't had to deal with this, please give me your opinons also!
Thank you in advance!
07-15-2003, 04:25 PM
first of all GRATS on your loss, wow you have done very well :D
secondly, my mom always does this to me, hehe. She always says how I have lost it, and I gave it to her. I never say anything, but she is not that heavy anyways. she's 5 ft tall, and weighs like 145. But she is used to being small, like 115'ish. Anyhow, I would say keep doing what you are doing. I don't think it's rude to eat healthier on your trip, or go walking, if anything, without directly saying it bluntly, you may be giving her a positive influence. by her watching you do what you do to get to where you have, she may learn something =)
have fun on your trip! and don't worry, everyone here knows no one can MAKE you lose weight, you have to want to enough to discipline yourself. She may get there someday too :)
07-15-2003, 04:38 PM
Hi Birdie, Hope you don't mind my shortening your handle.
I would just tell this friend, plain and simple language, in a soft tone of voice, that it would help her a lot and you too if she wouldn't always compare her gain to your loss.
I would think there is some reason that she brings it up so frequently.
You worked hard to get where you are, and don't let anyone undermine your plans.
She may not be intentionally trying to do that, but you should not have to feel like you're being unkind to her by sticking to your plans.
Tell her, prior to leaving, that you'll not always be eating the same foods she will and that you intend to continue your exercise while on your trip. If she understands from the get go that it's not a reflection on her weight gain, I think you should have a more enjoyable trip.
Tell her she is welcome to accompany you on your exercise outings.
Another thing you could do is print out the message you just left here, and give it to her. Certainly she's mature enough to understand how you feel.
You're not being mean to her by telling her how you feel.
Has she expressed any desire to lose the weight she has gained? If so, maybe you could offer to tell her what you did to achieve your success.
I know, it's a sticky situation you're in, but I would think it would be better to clear the air BEFORE the trip than to have misunderstandings and hurt feelings during or after the trip.
Good luck to you.
Many, many congratulations on your weight loss too. You've been very strong and have done a terrific job. I have no doubt that you'll go on to lose the last 11 pounds.
07-15-2003, 05:00 PM
This girl is hurting bigtime and your weight loss and success is difficult for her. She is a great friend or believe me you would be hearing comments about yourself and how you look sick, or pale etc. She needs your help because she is really feeling down about herself. I think you and she need to have a heart to heart. I think you need to first and foremost tell her that no matter what her size she is beautiful inside and OUT! That it is not necessary for her to lose weight to be your friend, look better in your eyes or mostly to look better in her own eyes. Tell her to be comfortable with herself like she is now that there is nothing wrong with her and just because she weighs more than you doesn't mean she is less of a person than you that she is a terrific friend. Now, this is the delicate part. Tell her that if she ever decides she is not satisfied with herself you will be the first one to help her out if she needs it. Again, tell her she doesn't need to change to be a better person, but if and when she ever does she has your full support with whatever she wants to do. If this continues after your talk, tell her she is hurting your feelings by thinking you are so shallow that you think less of her. I guarantee she has not looked at that aspect at all and it might make her stop.
As for your trip, the best thing is to do what you plan to do. She is going to notice if you make some kind of big change and it will offend her. If you go for a walk, tell her you are going and ask if she wants to come. If she says no, just say ok you'll be back in just a few and then the two of you can have some fun if she says yes, make the walk super fun for her. REMEMBER SHE IS 100 LBS MORE THAN YOU SO PACE YOURSELF FOR HER EVEN IF IT MEANS YOUR WORKOUT IS NOT THE BEST! Believe me it is hard to talk when you are that overweight and walking at the same time so try and converse where she doesn't have to give long drawn out answers. Discuss what you plan to do and food places you want to eat! Make sure you talk about it too! She is raw nerved and to avoid food isn't going to help that at all. She just needs to feel normal.
I hope you have a good time!
07-15-2003, 06:52 PM
Hi birdie: Congratulations on your GREAT weightloss! Good for you! You've been working very hard on getting healthy and you deserve all the cudos in the world. :D
I agree with what Willow and Tonya said. I don't think the direct, blunt approach that Faye discribes is necessarily the way to go. I DO think that your friend is jealous of you and disappointed in herself for her unhealthy ways. I DON'T think that psycho-analyzing her is going to make your friendship any stronger.
Now, what to do about the way she makes you feel? First off, people can't make us feel bad about ourselves unless we let them. You've been doing a great job and it's not fair to sabotage yourself just because you are going away with her on vacation. And you shouldn't. Carry on with your healthy ways no matter what.
How do you get her to stop??? Well, this question may be a bit harder to deal with. Let me get off the beaten track for a minute and tell you about my mother. She will be 82 tomorrow and for the past 6 months or so everytime anyone says anything about an event that is coming up several months or a year from now (a wedding, for instance) her response is "I may be long dead by that time." This is very frustrating because the person she says it to, myself included, doesn't have the vaguest idea what to respond with. Well, finally when my mother responded in her usual fashion to my cousin telling that her son is getting married in October 2004, I said (in front of my cousin) "ya know mom, nobody knows how to respond or what to say when you make that comment." My mother was clueless. She had no idea how what she was saying sounded, nor that it put people on the spot not knowing how to respond to her statement.
Maybe this is the case with your friend. Maybe instead of trying to solve HER problem, you just need to work on solving yours (how what she says makes YOU feel). My advice??? Tell her, just like I told my mother. "I don't know how to respond anymore when you make that comment constantly." Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. Let HER lead the rest of the conversation. Maybe she's clueless too as to it making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe she does want some help with a weightloss program. If she does, this will open the door for her to talk to her in a non-threatening way. If she doesn't, she may just tell you she didn't realize and the subject will be closed. At least you will have made her aware.
Hope this helps. Good luck, and enjoy your vacation!!! [[[hugs]]]
07-15-2003, 08:00 PM
WOW - thanks so much to everyone who responded. You are a very insightful bunch and I appreciate that you took the time to help me with my mini-crisis.
Tonya : Thanks for your comments. I will continue to follow my healthy plan. I can't throw it all in the toilet because someone else is unhappy with themselves.
Willow: Your suggestion about printing out the message is great, except for the fact that I think she would take offense at knowing that her insecurity was visible enough for me to take notice. I agree with you whole heartedly that my only option is to clear the air as to ensure a fun vacation!
gma2one: You put everything perfectly. The thought of letting her know that she is beautiful and that her weight/physical appearance has nothing to do with our friendship needs to be said. I hadn't given much thought to the idea that she might be doubtful as to whether I still find her worthy of my friendship. It is rediculous that she would even think that, but I do understand why she might wonder.
thinthinker: You're absolutely right as well, and isn't it funny that I am going through the same thing with my parents! I hear the comments all the time "what if I'm not here by then", "I might be dead in two months", blah blah blah. It's tiring and extremely pessamistic. I've dealt with them by basically telling them that they are morbid and that I will not stand for hearing them worry about something that may or may not happen. It's much easier to confront my parents because we are so close and they know me front and back - it's more awkward with my friend as I know she is unhappy with herself but hasn't been motivated to do anything about it. I think she may also feel that I am a different person now, and in all honesty I am, but not inside! Your advice is great and I am thankful for your input!
Again, thank you all, this is a great forum and I feel so much better having read your posts.