Weight Loss Support - "I liked you better when you were fat"




Sassyblonde
03-09-2014, 04:37 AM
So this is what my husband said to me. Since I lost the weight I don't drink wine cook fattening meals anymore. And I spend all my time at the gym. I am at a loss now. He chastised me for years to workout more and eat better(as he lost 50 lbs) and now I've changed. Yes you have to change! . I am way more confident and I am finally the person I've been trying to be...one he doesn't like apparently. Anyone else struggle in relationships after losing? I've been working on this body for 25 years ! Now I am trying to hit my goal and he says slow down you're going too fast.


Wannabeskinny
03-09-2014, 10:49 AM
I hope you kicked him firmly on his behind and said "I liked you better when I was fat too."

I haven't lost all the weight yet but I do anticipate some changes, I don't know what it will be but of course things will be different. The mature thing is to sit down and talk about things before he comes out and says something so nasty. Now there are hurt feelings involved. But you can't skip out on it, you have no choice but to sit and talk it through - find out what it is that's changed for him? Is it the amount of time you're spending away from him? Is it the jealousy he feels of being more attractive to others? Does he miss his fatty enchiladas? What is it that he finds so intolerable about the changes you've made? I can't imagine that he loves you because you like to drink wine and cook fattening meals. Please let us know what happens when you sit and talk to him.

nelie
03-09-2014, 10:55 AM
I think I've only seen a few women mention it over the years here here but I've heard from other places that divorce is common after one person in the relationship loses weight and the other does not (or the other doesn't adapt). I'm not saying you are heading for divorce but what I am saying is that one person in the relationship changes and the other can not adapt to that change. It is definitely a time for open dialogue. Often the other person in the relationship thinks the change is for some other reason such as another person in your life and they become jealous or possessive.

I think you just have to talk to your husband and let him know that you are happy with the new you. And yes ask for his concerns and let him know that you would like him to be part of your support team, not an adversary in your weight loss and maintenance.


novangel
03-09-2014, 11:09 AM
First he criticized you and now he feels insecure. In his mind you're less likely to leave him if you're overweight. He's controlling and insecure. Something for you to ponder..

PatLib
03-09-2014, 11:37 AM
I think you should just talk to him. He probably feels insecure and the food thing. ..well I have lived with someone who "forced" their diet on me and it is surprising how bitter you become. Even though I obviously cooked my own meals and that wasn't the issue, it's like I felt judged. Even though from a rational standpoint I understood that this wasn't even about me but it did reveal my own failures about my own food choices and my lack of self-control.

There are probably a lot of issues going on here that have nothing to do with your weight loss. It more about insecurity over the possibility of losing you and the self-awareness that he may be failing you.

He feels threatened by the weight loss and when people feel threatened they are at their worst even with the people they love (actually they are probably worse because a stranger you tell you where to stuff it).

I think you should both comfort him BUT also tell him is lack of support is not okay. That being healthy is for both of your happiness and he needs to get behind that.

kelijpa
03-09-2014, 11:54 AM
My first thought was "too bad", then I read your post and saw it was your DH...maybe that's not the best answer. Talking about it and finding out what it is that is bothering him should help.

I know sometimes it's hard for people to get used to the change, you'll see threads here and there about people saying "you're getting too skinny" when you're at a normal weight, it's just that they're not used to seeing you at that weight.

Since you're in the losing stages there is more of an investment in time (for exercising, preparing your foods, etc) than there will be when you're in maintenance, that stage will have it's own challenges, but you won't be working so hard to lose.

Talking it out, helping him understand you are doing this in a healthy way and how much better you are feeling and that you want to share the good stuff with him should help you get through this.

It seems the people closest to us know the exact buttons to push to get under our skin. Don't let it fester, get it out in the open so it doesn't become a bigger issue than it is already.

best of luck to you :sunny:

freelancemomma
03-09-2014, 01:29 PM
Tell him: "I liked you better when you were supportive.":D

F.

Paulitens
03-09-2014, 03:09 PM
You have received excellent answers and I cannot fathom telling anything like that to my husband (who got a gastric sleeve and lost a lot of weight super fast, which encouraged me to lose weight). Things do change, I don't know what your husband was expecting! But it's a good change and as someone who loves you, he should adapt and support you. I supported my husband, continue to support him and will always support him in his efforts to lose weight; and I have adapted to his changes in that I decided to make changes in myself getting on a diet.

IanG
03-09-2014, 04:02 PM
Well, my relationship with my wife has been put under enormous strain as a result of my change in lifestyle. And, yes, my mother-in-law said those exact words to me in the heat of an argument. Very hurtful and words that still ring in my ears months later. A key issue for me has been the energy and focus involved in changing my lifestyle. Energy and focus that has probably been taken away from my family. I eat separate meals. I post on 3FC. I work out a lot. It all takes time...

And I have changed as a person as a result of losing weight. When you lose significant weight, you do not just become a thinner you, you become a different you. Nobody told me that at the start of my journey. Some of the new you is better than the old you. But you may also lose some of the old you that you - and other people - liked. I just hope that what I have gained with the new me outweighs what I have lost (or have yet to lose) from the old me.

So the old me was a slob. The new me is not.

But the old me would give every minute of every day for his wife and kids. The new me needs to go for a run first.

alaskanlaughter
03-09-2014, 04:14 PM
I feel that pressure too....to do what I need to be healthy and still not take time away from my family...this is the reason I don't work out at night hardly ever, because it's the only time i'm home with my family....the food/cooking has never been an issue but I feel badly when I go at night to workout and leave everyone else at home...I don't think THEY really mind LOLOL but I do

Sassyblonde
03-09-2014, 04:51 PM
Thanks all! I love this forum!

We've talked and talked about this. Yes there are other things going on but this was the "final straw". I didn't know I would change so much either, but I think it's unavoidable. We have been together 23 years but we don't have any hobbies together; we used to go out to eat, go to wine country, I don't enjoy that as much anymore. I'd like to take up a sport like snowshoeing or white water rafting or pick something I am wide open! I don't know what he expected, for that matter I don't know what I expected either.

I workout during the week at my work on my lunch(we have a treadmill) so the time during the week isn't a huge problem. What kills me is that on the weekends, I can be at home doing laundry, cleaning, sitting on this forum but I say I am taking an hour and half to go to gym...absolute mutiny! So now I get up super early on weekends to go to gym before anyone wakes up. And everyone who knows me knows I am NOT a morning person but it's that important to me.

I would and have given anything and everything for my family, but for the last 10 years, I didn't give anything to me and as a result I was sick all the time and on the road to very poor health(can't tell you how many times I went to ER and was on pills and SO unhealthy!) . I have felt for 10 years that from the moment I get up to the moment I go back to sleep I satisfy someone else's needs and barely ever mine. Now I take some time for me and I am healthier and happier than I have ever been.
This is a lot to think about. Thanks again for the comments. I really appreciate the input.

JzBelle
03-09-2014, 04:53 PM
You definitely need to discuss this with him. It may be that while the words he said have some truth, they are not the deep truth.

That being said--people don't like change, and when someone is in a certain 'role' in relation to them they feel threatened when that is different. Many many people who lose weight find that friends or loved ones praise you for the effort, but ultimately feel insecure about it because they have to adapt to the new you.
Hope you work it out!

Serenity100
03-09-2014, 07:31 PM
I've been married 35 years come October, so I have a little experience. :D (child bride)

In any family there are jobs, and somebody has to do them. If your partner feels like all the jobs are being shifted to them while you work out, plan your meals etc., then of course they are going to be feel put out.

Same thing to spending time together. If you no longer want to partake in going out to dinner or drinking wine (I think you can still figure out a meal that would work with your plan) then think of another activity you can do together so the SO doesn't feel neglected. Going out together is to get out of the boredom of staying home every night and getting the opportunity to enjoy each other's company. Maybe go for a hike at a park, or the beach, a walk around the block, a bike ride. . . together.Go to a museum, a concert, a dog show. . .lots of stuff doesn't involve eating or drinking.

Yes, you are worth it!, but so is having a supportive and loving partner. jmo. If your partner is important to you than you can figure out a way to work things out.

hiddenstar
03-09-2014, 08:20 PM
I'm going to suggest something different. Maybe try increasing the bedroom activity or a little more spontaneous smooching. :hug: could be he is feeling neglected or afraid that you are losing interest in him.

My dh and I are changing. I'm becoming fitness nut and he is over weight and doesn't want to change. But I keep grabbing him so that he knows that he is still my number one.

Earthling
03-10-2014, 01:34 PM
I don't have a DH but my closest friend did say to me once "You were more fun before you lost the weight." I imagine it invokes similar turmoil.
I just need to say that I very respectfully don't agree with some of the opinions. Particularly differentiating between "old" you and "new" you. Just don't do it. It's senseless. It will make you second guess your decision to become healthy and that's absolutely bonkers.
You are you.
You always were you. You were not a different person.
Losing weight and getting healthier perhaps simply makes you feel like more like "you."
Using "old" you and "new" you is simply a way shunning something about yourself that you didn't like. But you have to love it.
I know this about myself now too.
Without knowing the private context of the conversation between you an your husband, are you sure he meant it? I mean TRULY meant. Not just being malicious or impulsive. Him saying that might have been a symptom of a larger issue that has nothing to do with your weight, or time, or priorities, or eating schedule.
These things DO NOT a loving relationship make or break. So if, over time, he ultimately is willing to break something over this then perhaps you should let him.
I didn't let that comment from my friend ruin anything though. In fact, I quietly took some time to think about what it meant. And what it meant was this... nothing. To me.
It was important that she had said it, though, because at the same time I was struggling with identity issues over "old" me and "new" me. And that's when I realized how positively destructive that mindset is and how much it doesn't make sense anyway.
Its just not worth it and everybody says things they don't mean. Yet, it might have been a different story if this was a recurring theme in our friendship.

Whatever happens, just remember that your opinion of yourself is the one that counts. Not anyone else's. Not even someone's that you love. And also that people change. Not into some new. Just into who they always were inside their soul but didn't have the experience to get there. Now you have it. So keep going.
You'll figure out how to balance anything that requires balancing as you go.

Arctic Mama
03-10-2014, 02:11 PM
I'm going to suggest something different. Maybe try increasing the bedroom activity or a little more spontaneous smooching. :hug: could be he is feeling neglected or afraid that you are losing interest in him.

My dh and I are changing. I'm becoming fitness nut and he is over weight and doesn't want to change. But I keep grabbing him so that he knows that he is still my number one.

Its remarkable how much this helps, I agree completely.

And there is a fine balance of maintaining my health without becoming selfish over my time/food/activities in a way that burdens my family. It doesn't sound like that is the issue here, but I try to make sure my habits and time use is structured in such a way that it doesn't shift a big load onto my husband, who already has enough on his plate. For me that means working out before everyone wakes up, and fixing their meals and mine, even though it is hard to cook a meal of tempting food. It also means when we go out on dates I pick places we can both have food we like, as opposed to a place where one of us can eat and the other is miserable.

BettyBooty
03-10-2014, 03:50 PM
I was kind of p.o.'d at my husband, in a way, recently because he's come to the realization that is an alcoholic and he needed to quit it completly. I liked sharing a bottle of wine on weekends, but he decided we can't do that anymore. Which means I technically still can but I won't do it alone and at times it does make me resentful. Divorce-level resentful? No, but I am sure I do some passive-aggressive things of which I am not really aware because I am ticked at losing my wine buddy.

Radiojane
03-10-2014, 04:31 PM
It's impossible to comment on someone else's relationship, but I do know that I've faced some major hurdles just with the weight I've already lost. In our case, part of it is because the way of eating we adopted was recommended initially to help with his health problems, but he hasn't lost anything (or solved many health issues), and he doesn't understand that on top of eating different foods, I'm restricting calories and working out.

At my heaviest, I think I made it really clear that I felt that he was all I would ever get (how horrible is that?). Not that I didn't love him more than anything (still do), but I hated myself so badly I transferred it to him. Now I'm getting attention from men occasionally, and I think that scares him. These are things I have to work on with him, but at the same time, I won't tolerate him denigrating my lifestyle changes.

I have a good friend who is done losing, and her husband was jealous and possessive and insecure. It took them a while to work through it, but they did.

Sassyblonde
03-11-2014, 12:59 AM
Beautifully said. This is how I feel. I never thought I was a different person either. I am more confident about letting my true self show. I was always shy and let the weight hide me. This is definitely more about his insecurities and our marriage as a whole. I honestly did not think it would survive the weekend. Lots to think about.
I don't have a DH but my closest friend did say to me once "You were more fun before you lost the weight." I imagine it invokes similar turmoil.
I just need to say that I very respectfully don't agree with some of the opinions. Particularly differentiating between "old" you and "new" you. Just don't do it. It's senseless. It will make you second guess your decision to become healthy and that's absolutely bonkers.
You are you.
You always were you. You were not a different person.
Losing weight and getting healthier perhaps simply makes you feel like more like "you."
Using "old" you and "new" you is simply a way shunning something about yourself that you didn't like. But you have to love it.
I know this about myself now too.
Without knowing the private context of the conversation between you an your husband, are you sure he meant it? I mean TRULY meant. Not just being malicious or impulsive. Him saying that might have been a symptom of a larger issue that has nothing to do with your weight, or time, or priorities, or eating schedule.
These things DO NOT a loving relationship make or break. So if, over time, he ultimately is willing to break something over this then perhaps you should let him.
I didn't let that comment from my friend ruin anything though. In fact, I quietly took some time to think about what it meant. And what it meant was this... nothing. To me.
It was important that she had said it, though, because at the same time I was struggling with identity issues over "old" me and "new" me. And that's when I realized how positively destructive that mindset is and how much it doesn't make sense anyway.
Its just not worth it and everybody says things they don't mean. Yet, it might have been a different story if this was a recurring theme in our friendship.

Whatever happens, just remember that your opinion of yourself is the one that counts. Not anyone else's. Not even someone's that you love. And also that people change. Not into some new. Just into who they always were inside their soul but didn't have the experience to get there. Now you have it. So keep going.
You'll figure out how to balance anything that requires balancing as you go.

Wannabeskinny
03-11-2014, 09:12 AM
I haven't lost massive amounts of weight yet but something has changed in me in a profound way. When we first got married we were quite similar. But after we got married I slowly started to realize that I like physical activity. I enjoy playing tennis, riding my bike, going hiking, swimming, going out daily for a walk at the very least, I want to try things like canoeing, kayaking, white water rafting, paddling, ziplining etc. I like planning activities that are physical in nature. And my hubby is thin and relatively fit, but he has ZERO interest in exercise or physical activities. Eventhough he can jog (I've seen him do it when I forced him to) for over a mile without stopping, which is something I long to do, he doesn't want to. When I bought my bike he had no interest to even sit on it, said that it's been so long that he's probably forgotten how to. Refuses to learn how to swim, has no interest in joining a gym, going hiking, playing tennis with me or anything at all! I do admit that I find this really hard, I can't inspire him in any way and it really gets to me. I wish we were one of those families that goes bike riding together, and likes to do fun activities together. He's always been thin and quite strong, but has no interest in being recreationally active.

diamondgeog
03-11-2014, 02:07 PM
So this is what my husband said to me. Since I lost the weight I don't drink wine cook fattening meals anymore. And I spend all my time at the gym. I am at a loss now. He chastised me for years to workout more and eat better(as he lost 50 lbs) and now I've changed. Yes you have to change! . I am way more confident and I am finally the person I've been trying to be...one he doesn't like apparently. Anyone else struggle in relationships after losing? I've been working on this body for 25 years ! Now I am trying to hit my goal and he says slow down you're going too fast.

I think the best thing is to pause and talk. It could be insecurity or just needing time to adjust. OR....it could be a VERY LEGITIMATE concern of his.

All I can go by are your own words. "Slow down you're going too fast" can be VERY supportive advice. Why? You can overdo weight loss. You can be doing things that are so extreme that your body rebels, your mind rebels, or both. This can lead to yo-yoing.

Losing weight too fast can lead to additional medical complications.

I don't know what is going on. Maybe it is insecurity. But reading the responses most everyone seemed to take the most negative viewpoint possible.

Taking the most positive viewpoint or something in between might actually get you to the heart of what is going on. I'm not saying what is going on, but jumping to the most negative conclusions is not the most helpful way to proceed IMHO.

AlyssaFit4life
03-11-2014, 03:04 PM
My boyfriend said the EXACT same thing to me. Not now, but when I weighed 135, and when I told him I wanna go back into my fitness route he said ''oh....... but i like you better like this'' ok.

Because hes not insecure since I'm overweight. He actually admitted this to me. It's just up to us for them to realize that we're not changing, only our body is :)

They do mean well, I'm sure, and my boyfriend is gonna miss the pizzas and the junk but I tell him all the time he can have it I'll watch him haha

Men can be such bozos sometimes. Don't let him get to you but if you feel he's not being supportive just talk to him :)

Amazing job on your weight loss by the way! You're an inspiration!!

abetterme
03-11-2014, 03:15 PM
I think if his concerns were about your health, he would say it that way. Saying "I liked you better when you were fat" is a very negative thing to say, IMO. If he is actually concerned about your health, it seems like he would voice those concerns better than that. Although he did say "slow down, you're going too fast" but I don't know, the first comment seems negative not very supportive.

lotsakids
03-12-2014, 07:34 PM
I think it is better that the conversation is on the table. He should have chosen his words better or used different ones altogether, but the reality is that one of you has changed and this upsets the balance in marriage. He may have said what he said because you've stopped listening to each other or he's feeling bad about his own situation. Sit down and talk about it, or see a counselor. It is nobody's fault, but it does need to be talked about especially since he's brought it up.

We do change when we lose weight and not all of those changes are positive, I know that I have gotten more selfish with my time, I've bumped up the grocery bill because of my diet. I keep changing recipes so they are healthier and I literally kick him out of the bedroom when he eats popcorn! We've been married for almost 25 years, there are always growing pains and changing pains but keeping the lines of communication open will help.